Catnapped, p.24
Catnapped, page 24
“He would.”
“I really would,” a still and quiet voice murmured. Both Lucifer and Gabriel yelped.
Huh. He really did show up at times. I’d believed that to be some myth, although I’d been aware of the Devil’s enjoyment of startling people who talked about him openly.
“Father,” Gabriel greeted.
Lucifer huffed. “Old man.”
“My beloved sons,” He replied with amusement. “Are you enjoying yourselves?”
“I’m having a great time,” Lucifer admitted. “She’s mine. I’ve claimed her, so you can’t take her away from me.”
“Why would I take away a seed I carefully tended so you might have? You are a silly son. I have waited a long time for this moment, so I thought I would come pay personal attention. Much like your darling, I have played my part in young Diana’s life.”
“You are such an asshole,” the Devil blurted, and the respect in his tone amused me.
“I do try. I find your method of handling the essence transfer to be amusing. I have never permitted a mortal to bite me before, but if you want her holy fire to be of appropriate potency, it will take more than Gabriel’s contribution. You would have been wise to involve Michael, as you wish for her to be your harbinger. I will ensure that her hellfire is balanced. It is no good if she is not balanced by the end. Lucifer, now would be the time for you to wake the violence you wish to cultivate. I will handle the matter of her compassion.”
“Why are you helping?” the Devil asked.
“These mortals have offended the divines of many pantheons, not just ours. But as this falls into my domain—and yours—the other pantheons petitioned to me. I have opted to listen to their petition. These beings do not wish to start a war just against us, but against the others as well. Even the universe has taken note. If we were to become involved beyond this, the End would begin, and there would be no stopping it. This battle must be hers alone. But there are no rules stating we cannot shower her with our favor.”
“Humans are insufferably stupid,” Lucifer complained. “They would wipe themselves out for what? A little power? Some misguided and foolish belief?”
“Do not forget greed,” He said. “Please accept my apologies for my part in your discomfort, young Diana. I strongly oppose the End of Days, and I will not allow for it to happen because I would not act. This Earth and its many children are all my children, even those who do not believe, and I do not wish for them to die out. Not over something like this.”
It took several tries, but I managed to evict Gabriel’s finger from my mouth. “You’re welcome to come to Christmas dinner to help join the party of those out to convince my parents they got it wrong.”
“How amusing. Yes, that would be an appropriate gift to begin healing those old wounds the misguided inflicted upon you. It has been a while since I have crashed one of those parties. I believe I will start with the service. Consider attending the midnight service with these sinners. I shall bring along a few friends.”
“Friends?”
“Ra, who is part of my family now through marriage. He will enjoy helping restore some of the light to the lost. And while they may never become good humans, they will at least be more tolerant of what they do not understand. I do not care if they choose to believe in me or not. That is not my role in this life. Now, as I am far more civilized than these sons I have produced, I will not require you to bite me, although you will drink. This will have consequence, of course. All things have consequence. But my son amuses me, and his goal for you is one of his better ideas. Sometimes, I question why I permitted these children of mine to have independent thought. But then every rare now and again, they come up with a good idea and do their best to implement it. Next time, those naughty sons of mine should ask for help. It will make things easier.”
“You are such an asshole,” Lucifer announced.
The idea of Lucifer, the crowned asshole over all assholes, calling his father an asshole, made me laugh so hard I cried.
Gabriel massaged the back of my neck. “I will bring you extra presents each year for my part in this, as you will have to deal with this often. It is the least I can do to make up for your suffering.”
“Brace yourself, Diana. This will hurt, but not for long.”
The warning would have done me a lot more good if He had bothered to give me any time to prepare. The instant His blood touched my tongue, the world vanished in an eruption of blue and black flame.
More often than not, demons and devils possessed multiple forms. Their primary form, associated with their demonic or devilish nature, served as a warning for the wary.
With a little help from the Almighty, Lucifer and Gabriel had transformed me into something rather tall with four legs, a bulky body, and hooves. Upon closer examination, I determined there’d been some accuracy to Darian’s speculations about transforming me into an equine, although I’d seen Malcolm’s form enough times to recognize I hadn’t been made into a kelpie. I snorted, and a mixture of blue and black flame blasted from my nose.
With no fear of my fire, Lucifer came up to me, took hold of my head, and dropped a kiss onto my nose. “You’re lovely, and my darling is going to be so pleased when she sees you.”
I had mobile ears, and I turned both of them back, stomping a hoof.
“You should be able to talk in that form, although you may find it a little tricky at first. Some catch on right away. The black is your hellfire, and the blue is your holy flame. You will have phases, unlike other demons or devils. When you’re aligned more with the powers of good or order, foul things those are, your flame will burn a brighter blue. When you’re balanced, such as you are now, you will blow blue and black flame. When you are more aligned with the powers of evil, your fire will be black. This will let you balance the situation however you see fit. If a bunch of archangels are running amok and doing excessive good, you can show up snorting hellfire until they behave. If the devils are being excessively naughty, you can correct them with holy fire.”
I tested moving my mouth, and after some experimentation, I said, “I’m not a kelpie, right?”
“You’re not a kelpie,” Lucifer confirmed. “But don’t you worry about that. You’ll fit right in with my little saltwater toffee’s herd, and your mate, who’ll be your species, will fit in as well, so never you fear. Darian won’t get the special treatment, but you share quite a few similarities with my unicorns. You’ll have no trouble converting him to be the appropriate species. You, however, don’t come with a horn.”
A pity. “Why no horn?”
“You would stab everything you can because you can, because I make you cranky, and the last thing I need is a bunch of new holes because I made you cranky yet again. It’ll be bad enough when you snort fire at me after I’ve annoyed you.” Lucifer gave my nose a brisk rub. “Gabriel, why is she calmer than I expected her to be? She should be biting and finding the taste of blood to her liking.”
“He fiddled, as is His way. She’ll go completely psychotic after you set her loose on the party of evil catnappers. He also added a few extras to make sure her rampage doesn’t hurt any of the animals. He said He would make certain the ones that could be saved would be saved, and that He has seen to the rest, so they do not suffer. He will handle their seeds personally. You were too busy cooing to your little Diana during her shift to notice or care what He was up to.”
“It’s true. Cooing to the new converts helps them get through it, even if they aren’t aware I’m doing it. I always coo to the ones I really like. Shut up, Gabriel. You’re annoying. Don’t you go be bothering my little candy cane with your nonsense.”
The archangel laughed. “She’s not bothered. She’s confused. Once you flip the violence switch, you will have problems calming her.”
“Who said I would be calming her?”
“You’re just going to let her rampage?”
“The nearest town is forty miles away in any direction, and they made a shit dirt road to set up their latest lab. I’ll make her Darian’s problem.”
“Darian will have trouble getting here,” Gabriel stated. “Why did we not bring him if your plan is to have him deal with her?”
“Who said he was going to deal with her here? I’m going to teach him how to summon her, but taming her is his problem. I figure it will take her at least a few days to wage her little war here. She’ll be against a bunch of pre-shift lycanthropes and one lycanthrope too stupid to know when to quit. Diana won’t have many problems with them. There’s just a lot of them. I don’t want to deal with an unscheduled End of Days, and if stupid humans would stop trying to make themselves go extinct from greed and ambition, that would be nice.”
“It might help if you adjust your expectations,” Gabriel chided. “You are upset because this incident will change how we operate again. I believe His help made that clear enough even for you. We are not supposed to be working together, yet here we are. Working together. You are surly because this is not how things normally go.”
“Since when do we cooperate on anything? And Diana? Inviting Him to go to the family dinner was just ruthless and evil, and I’m so proud of you. That was so ruthless and evil that I’m planning on wearing my Sunday best, and I’ll even give my old man a hug just to fuck with the prejudiced mortals. Assuming, of course, He opts to come out shrouded.”
“I believe that is His plan. He is going to take the form of the Christ, as He has a rather twisted sense of humor. And not the whitewashed, offensive version. His son was not a white man, and He is very offended every time the humans opt to change His son’s appearance to appease their personal prejudices. Honestly, it surprises me He has not triggered the End of Days over that issue. He regrets swearing He would not spank humanity and make them start over from scratch again.”
I turned my head to face Gabriel, and the tattered ruins of his shroud fell away, revealing the archangel’s face, a chiseled beauty of a man. I eyed the Devil, who shared features with his brother to a startling degree. “You could be twins, almost. Lucifer, you look more tired and worn.”
“Yes,” the Devil agreed. “We are what humans could be if not for sin. And as for being more tired or worn, someone had to play with the shrouds, and arranging the appropriate conversion is absolutely exhausting. After I set you loose, I’m going to go home, and my wife is going to hunt me. I’m going to be a worn out shell when she’s done with me. She’s going to have to pamper me back into good health.”
Darlene would love every minute of it. I flicked an ear and began the important work of testing how I moved in my new form. “Darian thought you’d make me a kelpie to keep Malcolm company.”
“A kelpie would make him mourn for his family. They’re angels now, but it doesn’t change much for him. He still misses them. His father is the only other member of the original Stewart clan still alive, and while most of his family hated him, Malcolm is a sentimental being. Everything they were is gone now. Bringing you in as a kelpie would have hurt him more than it helped. He’ll just have to breed a herd of little kelpies with my daughter, as soon as he conquers her problem with water. And having two daughters with problems with water? Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. I’m going to notify Darian he must cure you of your fear of the water. Anyway, your species is better for your temperament and personality. It will cater to your inclination to remain balanced, but it will allow you to stray without issue. You can be whatever you need or want to be. And if you really want a horn, it’s within your power to manifest one. You can also manifest wings. You have a base form, which is that of an equine.”
My eyes widened, and I snorted. “I can have wings?”
“Good luck, Lucifer. You are going to have to tether her to the ground now.” Gabriel laughed and patted my shoulder. “Let us start with the horn first. I will help my brother teach you how to fly after you handle this matter. We cannot eradicate this group of humans while you can.”
“Why can I while you can’t? It doesn’t make sense to me.” I flicked my tail, turning my head to get a better look at my rump. I appreciated the full horse’s tail, which swished at my command. “I seem to be gray.”
“Mouse gray,” the Devil informed me with pride. “You have dark socks and tips on your ears. When you are being your more angelic self, you’ll be pristine white, and when you’re being delightfully naughty, you’ll be the darkest black. You can even play pretend at being a regular horse if you want to go investigating the mortal coil at your whim. Of course, this could create some fun if you decide to run off on me after you’ve finished handling your work here. So, we have some rules you need to follow.”
I flattened my ears and snorted black and blue flame at the Devil. “Rules?”
“Yes, I know. Rules are so inconvenient. This facility was built to create an army of lycanthropes meant to unseat various important figureheads in government and religious positions and infect the remaining human populace with the virus. They experimented on people to trigger early onset, although their tests did not go as well as they would like. As far as lycanthropes go, they’re fairly weak. Your job is to destroy their lab and eliminate the major players at this complex. We don’t need any for questioning. If it makes you feel better, these beings are without remorse, and they would have killed your Mr. Flooferson if I had not instilled a rather strong compulsion to keep your cat happy and well. I couldn’t erase their greed or need to test if he had done his work. While you handle that, I will pick your cat up, handle his care, and give him to Darian to watch while you finish your work. I will also teach him to know your forms, so he is not afraid of you. Your scent has changed substantially since he last saw you, but it is a small matter for me to address.”
“I fail to see how these are rules.”
“Destroy only what’s here. Keep your rampage limited to this lab. You’re not here to take over the world, and you can’t hunt down the rest of the operation. Your job is to wipe out this portion of the operation. And yes, that means you’ll have to let Kingston go for now. He’s elsewhere. The better a job you do of wiping out this facility, the harder it will be for him to make progress later. You wanted to save your cat and get revenge on those who took your cat, and this is how you can.”
I flattened my ears, stomped my hooves, and bucked. “Can I help eliminate Kingston later?”
“If you do a good enough job of razing this lab to the ground, I’ll think about how you can help take out Kingston later. Don’t forget, you owe me time giving you life advice, Diana. I expect you in good health following your adventure here.”
The Devil annoyed me, and I snapped my teeth at him. He dodged my bite with a chuckle.
“That would be our cue to leave, Lucifer. Let us retrieve the feline and get out of her way. I will even be a good brother and help you with Darian. That one is simply no good at summoning circles and will need all the help he can get. Frankly, you might have to send him here with a golden bridle and hope he can tame her that way.”
“As if I’d make it that easy. A golden bridle? What nonsense is that. If he wants to bridle her, he’ll have to weave a rope made of Russian sage, unicorn tail hair, an angel’s feather, snow leopard fur, sphinx fur, and strands of a kelpie’s mane, all freely given. Unfortunately for her, there are plenty of beings who’ll hand over the various bits needed to make the rope. Oh, and the bridle itself would need to be handwoven of silver, copper, and aluminum wire. There shouldn’t be a bit used, as she’d melt it and it would hurt her delicate mouth.”
“I am going to be a generous being and assist him with the bridle,” Gabriel muttered. “Else we will be waiting most of his lifetime to figure out what needs to be done. Must you always be so difficult, Lucifer?”
“Yes.”
Gabriel heaved a sigh. “Good hunting, Diana. I will try to keep my brother from turning this into a disaster, but I make no promises.”
Lucifer pointed into the woods surrounding us. “The lab is that way. You can’t miss it. While I expect this won’t help much, do try to remember that there is nothing you could do to save some of those animals, which is why He had mercy on them. You can rescue and baby the rest, but don’t wallow in your guilt too much. I’ll permit a little wallowing, but not too much wallowing.”
Without another word, the Devil and his brother vanished, and with nothing else to do—and annoyed neither had explained how to manifest a horn—I went in search of the assholes responsible for Mr. Flooferson’s disappearance.
Fifteen
Asking for forgiveness only went so far.
A trailer community, much like the one we’d found at the lab in California, littered the forest, and the stench of male wolves permeated the air. How I identified the scent as male wolf baffled me, but it reeked, annoying the hell right out of me to the point my fur bleached to white. When I breathed, blue fire trailed from my nostrils, and the smoke emerged as shimmering white clouds.
Lucifer needed to pay for the various adjustments he’d made to me, including the repulsive stench of male wolf. Why did male wolves stink? How did I know the smell? The repulsiveness of the stench tested my already flagging patience.
I bet the damned Devil had made male wolves stink so I’d be tempted to kill them all without bothering to question them—or look closer at their activities. As defying the Devil and his plans appealed, I cooled my temper, gave myself a few minutes to become better acquainted with my new form, and practiced walking, trotting, galloping, and cantering around the forest.
I could only assume the Devil had imparted some base instincts on how to function as some hellish equine, as I didn’t trip over my own hooves. Tripping while trying to stomp the life out of a bunch of assholes who thought illegal testing of animals was a good idea would not improve my day, although I looked forward to finding out how well hooves could crush through skulls.
