The earth and the flame, p.4
The Earth and the Flame, page 4
“Maybe I can come to your place and we can try to cheer each other up?” She says, pressing herself against me.
I smile down at her, and plant a kiss on her full red lips. “Sure.”
We walk back to my cabin, our arms around each other. I will the ache in my hands to go away as her warmth seeps into me. I will it to go away as her arms wind around my neck, as she pulls me down into bed with her. I will it to go away as I peel off her clothes, as she moans and writhes and shakes underneath me.
But it doesn’t.
The cold air burns my lungs, and my chest hurts as I gasp for air. I put my head between my knees, willing the sick feeling of fetid, heavy, hot air to leave me, for the smell of dirt to go away.
“Tal?” Amryn’s voice sounds in the darkness, and I hear the porch creaking as he walks towards me. “Hey, you OK?” He sits down beside me, putting a hand on my shoulder as I continue to heave and retch, unable to speak. “Tal, what’s going on?”
I shake my head, and suck in a breath, my lungs finally expanding again. I grasp his hand on my shoulder, and he just sits with me, waiting.
“I’m OK,” I rasp finally. “I just… I just had a bad dream.”
“That must have been one hell of a bad dream. You’re a wreck.”
“Just… dreaming of suffocating,” I reply. I lean back against the bench, and my sides ache from the exertion of trying to breathe. “I wake up and the feeling’s still there, like, I don’t know, like I’m trapped somewhere.” The ache in my hands is unbearable, and I stretch them in front of me.
“How long has it been going on?”
“Since the Winter Solstice.” I look at him in the dark. “I can hear a woman screaming, and I feel stone. I keep thinking maybe it’s a memory, maybe I’m remembering Mom, or something. But it doesn’t sound like her.”
Amryn leans back beside me, crossing his arms over his chest. “Phoenix keeps talking about you being in the dirt.”
“I know, Cora and I talked about it.”
“It’s really freaking her out.” Amryn goes on. “She’s got it in her head that someone’s going to die, and then Azrael showing up, and throwing suspicion on to the whole fucking village, it’s made things a little tense.” He looks over at me. “And now you’re out here choking and throwing up, dreaming about women screaming and suffocating.”
“Yeah, things are a little weird around here right now.”
The ground rumbles beneath us, and we both look up to see Arax glowing red across the valley, the smoke luminous above the mountain range. We wait until the rumbling subsides, and I sigh. “Real fucking weird.”
“Are you going to be OK?” Amryn asks me. “Did you want to come and crash on the couch? I don’t really want to leave you alone.”
I shake my head. “No, that’s OK. I got Lorelei inside.”
“Oh, right.” He hesitates for a second, I can practically hear him considering his next words. “How’s things going with her?”
“Yeah, uh, good.”
I hear him snort a little. “Yeah, uh, good?” He repeats. “That’s it?”
“She’s sweet,” I say, “but… I don’t know.”
“You seem to like her a lot.”
“I do. I do like her a lot.”
“And she really likes you,” he says
“She does, I know she does. I just…” I’m not sure what I’m actually trying to say. “I like her a lot. It’s just not the same.”
“The same as what?”
I look over at him. “You and Cora.”
“Hey, man, that’s not, I mean, every relationship is different.”
“You sure about that?” I ask, rubbing my hands together.
“Of course.” He assures me. “I mean, me and Cora, that’s a whole thing, there’s a history there. You can’t put two couples next to each other and expect those relationships to look the same.”
I nod. He’s right. I know he’s right. And yet…
“You ever lie awake at night, and your hands just ache, because you need to touch… someone?” I ask him, flexing my hands in front of me. “Like, you feel physical pain because they're not with you?”
“Tal, I could write a book on that feeling.” He puts a hand on my shoulder. “You feel that way about someone?”
I shake my head. “No. There’s just an ache, and no matter how many times I touch Lorelei, no matter how many times we…“ I clear my throat quickly. “You know… But the ache, it just never goes away.”
“Give it time.” Amryn gives my shoulder a squeeze. “These things take time.”
“Sure.”
“I gotta get back inside,” he says, rising from the bench. “You should go in, get some rest.”
“I will. Thanks for checking on me.”
“Anytime.” He goes to walk away, then stops, turning back towards me. “You know… You know that it’s OK, right? To not be sure about things. And to break it off if it doesn’t feel right.”
I attempt a small laugh. “Yeah, I know that.”
“You deserve to be happy, Tal. And not in a way people tell you to be happy. In a way you want it to be.” His footsteps crunch across the snow, and I hear the door to his cabin closing in the silence of the night.
I get up and lean against one of the posts on my porch, and look up at the moon, floating above Arax, above the swirling, glowing red smoke. I mull over Amryn’s words, but my brain is too foggy, and I suppress a yawn.
I should get some sleep.
I head back inside, and climb into bed next to Lorelei. She rolls over when she feels me next to her, and cuddles up to me, shivering.
“You’re like ice, babe.” She whispers. “Did you go outside?”
I put my arms around her, and kiss her forehead. “Yeah, I just needed some air.”
“Another nightmare?” She asks, tracing small circles on my chest.
“Yeah, it’s OK, it passed.”
“I was thinking…”
“Oh yeah? What were you thinking about?” I ask, twirling a strand of her hair around my finger.
“Do you want to have a baby?”
The question catches me off guard, and a laugh escapes me. “A baby?”
Lorelei leans up on one hand, looking down at me as she pushes her hair out of her face. “Yeah, a baby. You keep talking about how you’re old, so old,” she says cynically, “and well, I was thinking, if you want a baby, maybe we could start trying to have one now.”
I sit up and take her face in my hands. “Darlin, why don’t we just enjoy things now, just the two of us, and see where it goes, huh?”
“Do you love me?”
Fuck. Fuck. This is why you don’t sleep with a young woman who’s never been with anyone else and think it’ll just be some casual thing, you arrogant fucker. I don’t want to lie to her. I don’t want to hurt her. And I sure as hell don’t want her to think I used her.
“Baby, I like you, a whole lot.” I say to her, and press a kiss to the corner of her mouth. “I really do. Love takes time, right?”
“I love you.” She says quietly.
I’m a fucking asshole.
“Thank you.” I am such a fucking asshole. Her head drops a little, and I pull her back down onto the bed with me. “Baby, come on, I care about you. I do. A lot.”
“I see the way Amryn looks at Cora,” she says, and her voice is tight, like she’s about to cry, “and I want you to look at me like that.”
I guess I’m not the only one who’s been watching them and feeling a stab of envy. “Give it time, baby.” I say, hugging her close to me. “Let’s just give it time.”
4
Tallesaign
I’m about to go to bed when there’s a frantic knock at the door. When I open it, I find Cora standing on the porch, her arms wrapped around herself, tears streaming down her face.
“Cora.” I stumble forwards and grasp her arms. “What’s happened?”
“Phoenix is really sick,” she says, her voice strained from crying. “H-he spiked a fever, and we can’t get it down.” She swallows hard. “Amryn’s with him now, and I need to go get Fenella to look at him.”
“Ok.” I shrug on my coat, stomping into my boots. “Come on, I’ll come with you.”
We rush across the village to Fenella’s cabin. She’s a powerful healer, but I know Cora wants her for another reason.
Fenella is a witch.
Her cabin is at the edge of the village, where she generally keeps to herself, partially because she’s a little reclusive and eccentric - but mainly because she still gets too many nasty looks from the demons.
Many of them still don’t trust witches, even though Fenella has lived here since well before I was born. She was granted refuge when she saved some demon kids after one of the wars, but even that act of goodwill hasn’t stopped the demons being skittish around her.
I reach up and touch the scar on my cheek without really thinking. I wonder if Fenella has similar powers to the evil witch who had her throat torn out by Amryn in Nilau. From what I’ve been told, Fenella has strong psychic abilities. And that’s exactly why Cora wants her to see Phoenix.
Cora raps on Fenella’s door, shifting on her feet, her arms hugged around her. After a minute there’s no movement, and Cora knocks again.
“Come on, come on,” she murmurs.
I’m about to tell her to just go and get Elise, but then the large brass handle clicks down, and the door creaks open.
Fenella is a pleasant looking older woman, chubby and round-faced with wiry white hair which is always sticking out from underneath the blue silk turbans she wears. She’s wrapped in a bright orange dressing gown as she smiles at us through the gap in the doorway.
“Good evening, majesty,” she says quietly. “The bebe ill, is he?”
Cora is speechless for a moment, brushing her hair out of her face as the frigid breeze catches her curls. “Y - yes, Phoenix is running a fever, and I -“
Fenella steps through the door, her bag in hand, big black boots already on her feet. “Let’s go then.” She takes off at a surprising speed across the snowy ground. Cora and I follow her back to Cora and Amryn’s cabin.
Amryn is sitting on the couch with Phoenix lying against him when we walk in. Phoenix looks up at us without moving his head, his cheeks bright red, his little mouth squished open, pressed against his father’s chest. Amryn’s face is filled with concern, and for a moment I’m reminded of what an excellent father my little brother is.
I can’t help but wonder if I would be a good father, too.
Fenella sits down beside Amryn, and rubs Phoenix’s back gently. “Now, papillon, how are you?” She asks in a soothing voice. Phoenix merely looks at her, his eyes glassy, his breathing shallow. Fenella tuts quietly, and puts a hand to his forehead. “What happened before he became ill?”
“He was asleep,” Amryn replies, “and then I heard him crying, so I went to check on him, and he - he said -“ His eyes flash to me.
“What did he say, mon cher?” Fenella asks.
Amryn looks back at her. “He said his uncle was dead.”
I hear Cora inhale sharply next to me. That’s why she went to come and find me. Not because she was scared of Fenella being a creepy witch, Cora’s too tough for that. No, she was afraid she was going to find me dead in my cabin.
“Oh dear,” Fenella says, and turns to reach into her bag. “Has he been saying things like this a lot lately?”
Cora nods, clasping her hands together. “Yeah, all the time. But it’s never made him sick.”
“Mmm.” Fenella pulls out a small vial of purple liquid, and tips it against her fingertip. She rubs whatever it is against Phoenix’s temples and under his jaw. “This will help the headache you have, papillon.” She puts her hand on his back, and her veins glow, a faint lilac.
Phoenix’s little eyes close, and he snuggles into his father. Amryn puts a hand to his son’s forehead, and relief floods his face. “He’s cooling down,” he says to Cora.
“Oh thank god.” She rushes over to him, putting her hand on Phoenix’s back. “I was so worried.”
She sits down beside Amryn, and he gently places Phoenix on her lap. “Here, you stay here with him, I just need some air.”
“Sure,” she says, and Fenella takes her hand as Amryn pushes me outside onto the porch.
Amryn is stalking back and forth, raking his hands through his hair.
“Hey, hey,” I put my hands on his shoulders, trying to stop him, but he pushes me off, and keeps pacing. “Amryn, what’s going on?”
“What if this is my fault?” He says, not looking at me, still pacing, pacing.
I frown at him. “What if what is your fault? Phoenix is sick, that’s not anyone’s fault.”
“What if he’s got this - this premonition stuff because - because -“
“Because why?”
“Because -“ He sputters and claws his hands into his thighs. “Because of what happened.”
I grab him and force him to look at me. “Amryn, stop, you’re not making any sense. What are you talking about?”
“The witch,” he gasps, and I see he has tears in his eyes.
“Fenella?”
“No.” He says through clenched teeth. “Morgan. When she -“ He sucks in a breath. “When she…“
I shake my head. “Amryn, I don’t know what you’re talking about, you need to calm -“
“When she fucking raped me!”
I feel like someone punched me in the gut. “Holy fuck.” I grasp his shoulders tighter. “Amryn, she did what?”
He can barely get the words out, his whole face crumpled with pain. “That witch crept in to my cell, pretending to be Cora and she… she fucking raped me.” He grits his teeth, a strangled sob catching in his throat. “She said she made it so I couldn’t have kids. I thought… when Cora got pregnant I thought she must have been bluffing. But what if… What if she did something else?” He swallows hard. “What if there’s a part of her, in me, and I passed it on to him?”
He collapses against me, trembling violently. I put my arms around him, around my little brother, and fury courses through me. I wish I could dig that fucking bitch up and murder her all over again.
Cora had told me, vaguely, that Morgan had glamoured herself to try and trick Amryn while he was captured. But she’d never told me exactly what Morgan had done.
I should have known. All those weeks after Amryn got back, after we got back to Ocario. The hollow look in his eyes, the silences, the excessive drinking.
“Phoenix has no part of that witch,” I tell him, “no part. He’s yours, and he’s Cora’s, and he’s got some powers we haven’t seen before, that’s all. He’s your son.” I pull back and look at him. “He’s yours, and he’s amazing because he’s yours, and because you’re an incredible father, OK?”
“I just can’t help but think -“
“That witch was fucking with your head, she would have said anything. This has nothing to do with her. He’s a special kid.”
Amryn nods and wipes his face with his hands. “You have a cigarette?” He asks. I pull the case out of my coat pocket and offer him one, lighting it with my hand. He inhales deeply, and leans on the porch railing, looking out at the night sky. “Sorry you had to find out like this.
“Do not apologize to me for anything to do with that,” I say, lighting my own cigarette. “You don’t owe me anything.” I lean back against the porch railing so I can see his face. “You OK?”
He nods, inhaling again. “I am now.” He exhales, flicking ash onto the snow. “I was messed up for a long time. I - I kinda went crazy. I was waking Cora for sex, every night, sometimes a few times, I was just…“ His eyes flash up to me. “Sorry, you probably don’t need to hear this.”
“I’ll hear whatever you need to tell me. You don’t need to be ashamed.”
“I wanted to be close to her,” he says with a sigh. “I just - I wanted her all the time, because I wanted to feel her, because I needed to be reminded that she was there. I’d ask her to talk to me, during the whole thing, because when I couldn’t hear her voice, I’d be - it would be like I was suffocating.”
I suck deeply on the cigarette, noticing my glowing veins. Seeing my brother in this much distress, all these years later… I try to steady my breathing, and listen to him as he goes on.
“I got better, slowly. Cora got me through it. I should have talked to you about it.”
I shake my head. “Listen, I told you, you don’t owe me anything. Of course I want to be there for you, but… The important thing is that you’re alright.”
“Thanks, Tal.” He rubs the back of his hand across his eyes. “I am, really. Just, tonight with Phoenix getting sick and everything he’s been saying, I started to wonder, you know?”
“Well, stop wondering.” I say to him, pointing my finger at him. “That’s an order.”
He smiles weakly. “Yeah, I will. You’re right.” He looks in through the window of the cabin. “I don’t want him to be scared, or sad. I just want him to be OK.”
“Of course you do. And he will be. He’s a sensitive kid, and with the snakes and the earthquakes and all the other weird shit going on, he’s probably picking up on some things he normally wouldn’t.”
Amryn nods. “You’re right.”
Fenella walks out onto the porch, her bag in hand. “The papillon will be fine in the morning, he needs a good sleep.” She eyes my cigarette. “Ooh, you have one of those for me, mon cher?”
“Sure.” I offer her one, and she giggles as I offer my hand to light it.
“Merci,” she says, exhaling with deep appreciation. “Mmm, the tobacco here is really very good, so sweet and clean.” She looks at Amryn as she inhales. “The boy is beautiful.”
Amryn nods. “Yeah, just like his mother.”
“And his father.” Fenella says with a wink, and Amryn chuckles. She puts a hand on his shoulder. “Her magic cannot do what you fear. Do not worry. She has not left a trace on you.” She pats his shoulder, and walks away into the darkness, toward her cabin.
Amryn leans heavily against the porch railing, sucking on the cigarette which is nearly spent. “She knew.”
