Troubled waters, p.27
Troubled Waters, page 27
Her mother’s expression turned worried. “What if they ask me?”
Macey paused midchew. There was no way her mother would lie, and she’d be wrong to ask her to. “Well,” she said carefully, swallowing the eggs unchewed, “you can always just pick your words carefully.”
Evelyn nodded.
“Mother, please, try not to worry. You’ll do fine.” She pointed to the piece of paper on the table. “I’ve written down my address, my phone numbers at work, at home, and my cell, and some other information for you.” This brought a smile to her mother’s solemn face. “We’ll keep in touch, okay?”
“I’d like that, dear.”
“Good.” Macey wiped her mouth and finished off her coffee. She’d risen early, packed her bags, and spent as little time as possible reminiscing about her time here. It would only make leaving that much more difficult, and she couldn’t afford to be distracted today. She had an interview with the network. She had to focus. She checked her watch; it was not quite eight o’clock. “Listen, Mom, I’m going to go over and say good-bye to Noah for a little bit.” She met her mother’s knowing smile with “He’s a nice man. And I know he’s been a good friend to you.”
“Like a son.”
Macey paused at that, then quickly let it go. There wasn’t time for bitterness or regret. She hopped up from the table, offered to help clear the dishes, was waved on by her mother, and then rushed out the back door toward the Neosho.
She walked along its banks, listening to the river. Her shoes were picking up wet pieces of grass, but she didn’t worry about it. A week ago she would’ve stressed about it, but now things were in a little better perspective, if that were possible.
As she stepped onto the bridge, her heart nearly stopped when she remembered the gown and that it might still be there in the mud. She glanced down and saw that the little box and gown hadn’t moved, that it was still among the rocks, dirtier than before. She looked away as if she’d seen something obscene and continued walking over the bridge.
During the short walk from the bridge to Noah’s house, Macey’s mind, partially consumed with anxious thoughts about her mother’s well-being, also entertained thoughts of her past. On the extreme outer edge of these thoughts was Noah’s face, dimmed by everything else yet still visible.
She smiled as she dragged her feet through the grass, her hands resting in the pockets of her pants. He was kind, simple, and wise. She was drawn to more than his good looks and creative genius, to more than his ocean blue eyes and flirting grin. There was something else about him, a quality that spoke toward the good and the profound. As much as she tried to grasp what exactly it was, in the end she was unable to pinpoint it.
The morning sun had quickly made the air humid again, and Macey’s skin perspired enough to cause wisps of her hair to cling to her forehead. Her silk summer blouse didn’t welcome air to her skin like it had just minutes before. She waved her hand in front of her face to create a breeze while at the same time picking up her pace. She couldn’t afford to look like she’d been wandering the Kansas prairies on a day like this. A small smile of satisfaction spread her lips as she thought of the network. What a trip.
At Noah’s front door she listened for any sounds of movement, hoping everyone was up, before knocking lightly. No one answered, and Macey’s hopes of saying good-bye to Noah dampened. She knocked again. Still no answer. She would’ve left a note had she thought to bring a pen and paper. Where could he be this early in the morning?
She rapped one more time on the door, then turned to leave. But before she could take a step away from the door, it opened and Noah greeted her with a smile. “Hi there.”
Macey swallowed. His hair, normally tied back neatly in a ponytail, flowed over his shoulders. She’d never dated a guy with long hair. She’d once dated a man with an earring, which was a real stretch for her. There was a certain statement to his look; it was whimsical and free-spirited. As she stared, he took a band from his wrist and pulled his hair back with one motion.
“You arrived before I fixed my hair,” he joked.
Macey hesitated. Should she go in? Or just say her good-byes here? What would she say? This was turning out to be harder than she expected. But then he opened the door wider and stepped aside. She took his cue and entered the house. “Where are the girls?”
“Oh, probably out in a field somewhere. Maybe in a tree. They like to play in the cooler part of the morning.” She followed him to the kitchen. “Breakfast?”
“No, thanks. Mom just stuffed me with enough to get me through the week.”
He smiled as two pieces of toast popped up from the toaster. He laid them on a plate and buttered them carefully on the island in the middle of the kitchen. On the other side, Macey watched for a moment, then remembered why she was here. “I was hoping to say good-bye to the girls . . . and you, of course.”
Noah looked up from what he was doing. “You’re leaving?”
“My plane leaves a little after eleven.”
Noah set down his knife and leaned on the island. “No kidding.”
Macey frowned. “You seem surprised. I wasn’t going to stay here forever, you know.”
Noah picked up his knife and continued his buttering. “Don’t you have some unfinished business still?”
Macey didn’t bother trying to keep her arms from folding in front of her chest in a typical defensive stance. “Unfinished business? I’ve spent the last two days training my mother on a computer. I’ve tried every conceivable way to secure her future. If she doesn’t get this job, I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
“What job?”
“Mom’s interviewing for a job tomorrow.”
“Why?”
Macey felt irritation begin to simmer inside. She narrowed her eyes at him and tried to find his angle. What was he trying to do now? “It doesn’t matter,” she said. “What matters is that she gets it.”
Noah took a bite of his toast and seemed to size Macey up. Macey stood tall and tried to look confident. She hated the way he always needed to know more, always seemed to read between the lines.
After a swig of juice he said, “That’s not the unfinished business I was referring to.”
“Oh?” Macey’s voice jumped an octave unintentionally. “Then what unfinished business were you referring to?”
“You told me a lot last night, Macey. You really poured out your heart. I think you needed to. That was a lot to carry around for all those years.” Noah paused, and Macey felt her face turn red. She didn’t want to talk about this anymore. She wanted to say good-bye to him and ride all the way to New York wondering if there could’ve been something between them under different circumstances, in a different time and place. This was a safe place to stay—inside her head, wondering.
“Yes, but that’s not why I’m here.”
“You’re here to say good-bye.” He stood taller and put down his toast, brushing his hands together to rid them of crumbs. “But if you leave now, with things undone, what good will that do?”
Macey shook her head and stared down at the tile. What did he want from her? Why did he care so much what she took back with her? “I can’t solve all my problems in a day,” she insisted.
“No, but you can tie up some loose ends.” He paused and then said, “If you don’t intend on coming back.”
She looked up at him. His eyes looked desperate. “I’m sure I’ll return. Not next week, but I’ll come back.”
He blinked slowly as if searching for words, then said, “Macey, have you and your mother talked? Talked at all about what happened?”
“There’s nothing to talk about.” What a cliched answer, she thought. The truth was, there was too much to talk about.
Noah, of course, didn’t buy the answer and cocked his head to the side, his eyebrows raised high on his forehead. “That’s a lame answer.”
“What did you expect? A tidy ending to my dramatic return home? Is that what you people think who sit in your little pews and pray and sing and listen to some man talk about how good you should be and how good God is, and how everything is just going to turn out so perfect in life?” Her voice trembled as it rose in pitch. “There are no easy answers, Noah. Of all people, you should know that. Were there any easy answers when your wife died and left you to raise two children?” Macey gasped and thought she might’ve crossed the line. She met Noah’s eyes, and although they reflected a sadness at the mention of his wife, he didn’t appear angry. “I’m sorry,” she offered quietly, her eyes fixed on her shoes now.
“It’s okay,” said Noah. “And, no, there were no easy answers.”
Macey glanced up at him. His expression was sincere. “I’m sorry I brought that up,” Macey said again. “I’m being overly emotional, and that’s when I say things I shouldn’t.”
“You’re upset. It’s okay.”
Macey leaned on the wall behind her, her hands clasped against her lower back. “Noah, I know your intentions are good. A few days ago, I wasn’t so sure. You always seemed to get under my skin. But I know you better now. I know you have my best interests at heart.” She paused and looked into his eyes. “Please, don’t press me on this. It was a big enough step to sit here and tell you my dark secret. Don’t make me go to places I’m not ready to go yet.”
Noah listened carefully and nodded, but something in his eyes told her that he still wasn’t satisfied with her answer. “How does your mom feel about your leaving?”
Macey welcomed the sudden change in conversation. “I think she’s going to be okay. I told her we’d stay in contact, and I intend to. I’m going to have to follow up on the job situation, anyway.”
Noah started to say something but stopped. Instead, he drank the rest of his orange juice. Macey checked her watch.
“I better go. I’ve got a flight to New York to catch.”
Noah set his glass down, wiped his mouth. “You’re always checking your watch—do you know that?”
Macey eyed him. “Is that a sin?”
“Not a sin,” he said with a half smile. “Just an indication.”
“Of what?”
“Of a woman who’s unable to stop, turn around, and swim against the world’s current.”
“How metaphorical,” Macey quipped.
He shrugged. “Just an observation.”
“You do an awful lot of observing of other people, don’t you? When’s the last time you looked at yourself? Seen any faults in that tall frame of a man recently?” She smiled, but it wasn’t friendly. Did he think he had a right to size other people up without ever looking at his own problems?
“True. So what’s wrong with me?”
Macey swallowed, not expecting this question. But, as long as he was asking, she decided to oblige him. “You’re nosey, for one thing.”
“Ah. Nosey like snooping around the outside of someone’s house, uninvited?” He grinned at her.
“Very funny. You’re also sarcastic.”
“Well, I think it makes a great complement to your cynicism.” Macey shook her head. “Anything else? You’re on quite a roll here.”
“No.” She checked her watch again, then let her hand drop to her side as she rolled her eyes. “It’s a habit,” she told him.
He chuckled. “I understand.”
“But I really have to go. I can’t afford to miss this flight. I can’t believe in a few hours I’m going to be interviewing for a network job.” She turned to exit the kitchen and he followed her. At the front door she said, “Tell the girls bye for me.”
“I will.”
“And thanks again for listening. It was extraordinary that I spilled my guts like that.”
“I know.”
She scratched her forehead. “Well, next time I’m in town, I’ll stop by.”
“Please do.”
“And if I get this job, and you come to New York, look me up.”
“Sure.”
Macey’s heart tugged at her. She didn’t want to leave. There was a certain peace Noah offered her. Shared with her. The idea of peace was a foreign concept to her, yet there was proof now that it existed, proof every time she looked into his eyes. “Take care,” she said, smiling warmly while turning to step out the door. A hand rested on her shoulder then, and she turned back. Was he going to kiss her?
“Macey,” he said, and he seemed to fight for his words.
“Yes?”
“You’ll never find what you’re looking for in New York.” His eyes stared through hers, straight into her soul. “No amount of success will undo what has been done. Not what your father did. Not what you did.” He paused and looked to be in pain. “You took an innocent life.”
Tears stung Macey’s eyes. She stood frozen in the doorway, horrified by Noah’s words.
“No matter what you do, Macey, no matter where you go, who you meet, or how you get there, that will always haunt you.” If his words didn’t sound so sincere, Macey would’ve slapped him. But the shock of actually hearing them had made her numb. “I know you regret what you did. I know you understand that it was wrong. But don’t you think that it’s time for you to face it, time for you to tell the truth to the one other person it would matter to?”
Macey looked at him in disbelief. What was he talking about? What other person? She could barely choke out the words. “Is that supposed to help me, give me peace?” she asked angrily.
“I don’t know, but it’s a step in the right direction. The only one who can give you peace is God. He can forgive you so completely that what happened is wiped from the scope of eternity forever. But there’s one other person who you need to ask forgiveness.”
How could he stand there and condemn her like this? And who could she possibly need forgiveness from?
“I don’t know him personally, but I know of him,” Noah said, reaching out to her. She dodged his hand. “He works for his dad at the hardware store in town.”
“What?” Was he talking about Harley Preston? He knew Harley? What did she need to ask forgiveness from him for? Just days after their big mistake, he’d hardly cared about her. And now? He didn’t even recognize her in the restaurant. He would’ve probably paid for the abortion himself if she’d told him. “You’re crazy!” Macey said through clenched teeth. “You’re crazy if you think I’m going to go find Harley Preston and confess to him that I—” The words dropped back down her throat. Macey stared hard at Noah. “What good would that do? What possible good would that do for anyone involved?”
A small warm smile crossed his lips. “There are no easy answers to that.”
“Aren’t you just perfect at bringing everything full circle!” Macey snapped. “You’ve got a lot of guts telling me this. Saying these things. I sat here in your house and trusted you with my heart, told you my dark secrets, and now you’re standing here condemning me for it. What a friend you are.”
Noah’s expression darkened. “I’m not condemning you, Macey. Not at all. We all have our dark secrets. We all have our mistakes we regret. But sitting in my house and telling me all those things isn’t going to bring you any closer to freedom than you are now. I’m not the father of that baby. And I’m not God.”
“Thank heavens for that.” The rims of Macey’s eyes, red and swollen, held pools of tears ready to chase the others. “So that’s what God is telling me to do, huh? Go tell Harley Preston, a man who couldn’t have cared less for me then and even less now, that I had . . . had . . .”
“Yes.” Noah’s own eyes glistened with tears. “Yes, Macey. As hard as that sounds, you need to ask for forgiveness. You need to tell Harley the truth.”
“You know what I think? I think you’re out of your mind. I think you people sit out here, surrounded by your prairies and your river, and you seclude yourselves from reality. You have cookie-cutter answers for everything. Pray about it. Do the right thing. Ask for forgiveness. Confess your sins. It’s just a ridiculous formula made up by weak people to try and make sense out of things that will never make sense.”
He reached for her again, but she turned and ran down the porch steps.
“I’m sorry I ever met you,” she growled under her breath. She walked as fast as she could. She couldn’t wait to be on a plane, up in the sky, as far away from this sick, twisted place as she could possibly get.
Twenty-Seven
They embraced this time like long-lost relatives instead of distant strangers. Evelyn hugged her tight and patted her on the back like she had when she was a baby. Her daughter didn’t pull away, surprisingly, and it was a cherished moment.
As they stood on her front porch, Evelyn wiped the tears from her eyes as often as she wiped the sweat from her brow. Neither bothered her. She just wanted to hold on to her daughter, hug her longer, kiss her, tell her she loved her over and over. But there wasn’t time for that she realized as Macey ended the hug and glanced at her watch.
“I’m cutting it a little close, but I don’t anticipate a lot of traffic,” Macey said. She smiled and patted Evelyn on the arm. “Are you going to be okay?”
“Oh, I’m strong as an ox,” said Evelyn with a definitive nod of the head. “If the heat don’t kill me, I’ll be fine.” She said this while tears trickled down her cheeks.
“Mom, I hate to see you so upset,” her daughter said. “Please don’t cry.”
“Don’t you worry about me. I’m just so glad to have seen you, to see that you’re a fine young woman, strong and smart and successful. I couldn’t wish anything more for my daughter.”
Macey looked away as if embarrassed. “Mom, I’m not quite that great, but I guess mothers are allowed to see their children through rose-colored glasses.”
