Life of debauchery duet.., p.20
Life of Debauchery Duet MASTER, page 20
I gripped onto her body tighter, trying to mold us together. Into one person.
I needed her. God, how much I fuckin’ needed her.
She. Was. My. Muse.
My girl.
My Junie.
“Open your eyes. Open your eyes and look at me. Just fucking look at me.”
I did.
She kissed my forehead, my cheeks, my neck, pecking her way up to my lips. Stopping when they were centimeters apart, the closest they’ve ever been to one another.
“Junie,” I whispered in a tone of pure agony. “Show me what love is.”
It was the first thing that came to mind.
“I’m going to show you what love is, Cash McGraw! You’ll see! I’m going to show you!”
It was a memory I thought about often. The night I said goodbye to her, she was so little, so determined, so wholeheartedly loving. I never saw her as anything other than a baby girl with a crush on me.
At this point, there was no holding back, no starting over, we had nothing but this moment. Where she was with me, we were together, and for the first time in my life, it felt right.
She felt right.
We felt right.
The urge was too consuming, too powerful, too life-changing.
I. Kissed. Her.
Grazing her lips at first, teasing her with the tip of my tongue all along the outline of her mouth. I wanted to remember this kiss as if it were my first, as if it were…
My last.
Tenderly.
Slightly
My tongue sought out hers.
It was the best kiss of my existence. The sweetest embrace I’d ever experienced. I took my time with her, not wanting to lose a second between us. Needing it as if she was the air in my lungs, the beat in my heart, the love of my life.
I kissed her with everything left inside of me. Wanting her to understand my shame and remorse, the agony of what I gave up for a life to be spent alone with no one but the memory of them left in their place.
With each kiss.
Each caress.
Each groan that escaped from my lips, she felt the weight of my truths fall upon her.
There was no running away from them. I never could. Booze and drugs were the only things that kept the demons at bay, which was only borrowed time. A limited number of minutes where they didn’t wreak havoc in my day. Silencing the error of my ways.
Journey was proving to have the same effect.
I kissed her one last time, allowing my lips to linger for a few more seconds before resting my forehead on hers. My hands were still clutched onto the sides of her face. Her eyes were closed as her chest heavily panted for air. We were in our own little world. Both trying to find our breathing. When she finally opened her eyes, all she saw was me staring profoundly at her. Seeing my future in her hands.
She knows all your truths, Cash. She knows, and she’s still here. In your bed. In your arms. In your world. She’s with you. Through it all, she’s still here with you.
I couldn’t process it fast enough. I sought out her refuge, her light, her fuckin’ heart and soul. Only darkness surrounded me for so damn long. I was so tired of it all.
Exhausted.
Drained.
Giving in to her.
Her words.
Her love.
Mine.
She was submerged in my sea of agony. Drowning right along with me. Praying we’d come up for air, together. She wouldn’t leave me. Nothing could make her leave me.
“Junie,” I rasped against her lips. “Show me what love is.”
Broken hearts.
Shattered souls.
Coming together…
As one.
There was no thought, no hesitation, no indecision. She was mine. She’d always been mine. I wasn’t going to let her go.
Not now.
Not ever.
Then.
Now.
Forever.
Coming full circle, I demanded,
“Marry me.”
Chapter 3
“The sun is gone, but I have light.”
-Kurt Cobain
<>Journey<>
Now: Eighteen-years-old
“What?” I scoffed, my mind blown.
“You heard me.”
“No, I don’t think I heard you correctly. Did you just ask me to marry you?”
“Yeah, Junie. Marry me.”
“Are you high?” I spewed without thinking. My emotions and thoughts were running a mile a minute.
What the hell?
He narrowed his dark, entrancing eyes. “No.”
“Are you drunk?”
“Journey,” he stated in a stern, dominating tone. “I asked you to marry me, and that’s all you gotta say? Questionin’ my state of mind?”
“That’s not asking, Cash.” I pulled out of his grasp, needing a second to breathe. Away from him. Where his hands, his presence, his influence weren’t taking ahold of me.
Swiftly, I slipped off his bed to pace around the room. Dragging my hands through my hair, wanting to pull it out. The walls suddenly closed in on me with my heart beating erratically, pounding for a whole different reason.
Has he lost his mind?
“We’ve only been together for less than a week.”
“You’ve known me all your life.”
I peered at him with wide eyes. “Cash, you can’t be serious right now.”
“I ain’t ever been more serious ’bout anythin’ in all my life. Marry me, Junie.”
I stood there staring at him. I couldn’t stop staring at him. He had to have lost his damn mind.
“Are you hearing yourself right now? Because if you were listening, you’d know how crazy you sound.”
“Crazy ’cuz I want to spend the rest of my life wit’ you?”
“Yes! You don’t even know me!”
“We’re back to this shit again?”
“I wasn’t aware we left it.”
“Junie…”
“Don’t Junie me, Cash.” I adamantly shook my head. “We can’t get married.”
“So your answer is no?” He frowned, making my chest ache. “You’re turnin’ me down?”
“You’re not even asking me, Cash. Marry me is not a proposal, it’s a demand. You’re demanding I marry you, and just last night, you were pushing me away and taking off. How do you expect me to say yes to that?”
He deeply sighed, narrowing his gaze at me. It was as if he was searching for answers to questions he couldn’t ask. Trying to find some sort of reaction other than what I questioned.
Was he expecting me to say yes?
I had to get through to him. Make him understand marriage wasn’t the solution to his problems. It was simply an escape.
“Please stop looking at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like you expect me to say yes. We haven’t even gone on a date. Up until a moment ago, we hadn’t even kissed. There’s been no exchange of I love you, nothing. You need to take a step back and hear what you’re saying because you’re not making any sense.”
He strode over to me until his body was looming over my small frame. Staring into my eyes, he tugged on the ends of my hair.
“That what you want, Junie? You want me to take you on a date? Hold your hand? Buy you dinner? Take you to see a movie? Then what? Huh? We come back to my tour bus and I bury my face in between your legs and make you come for the first time in your life wit’ just my tongue and lips? That what you want, baby?”
I swallowed hard. His talent of going from one extreme to the next was giving me whiplash.
“Junie, I’ll give you whatever you want. You’ll live the life you’ve always wanted to live. I’ll make sure of it.”
“Cash, how do you know you’re capable of giving me the life I want when you don’t even know what that entails?”
“’Cuz, I’ll spend the rest of my life tryin’ to succeed ’til I finally do.”
I smiled. “That’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.” I brought my hand up to brush a strand of hair away from his eyes. “But still … I can’t marry you now, Cash. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to see where this—us—can go. I care about you. Deeply. You know that. I’m here for you. We’re best friends, remember?”
He grinned, his eyes shining bright against the morning sun. My response seemed to appease him for the time being. His intense gaze lessened, replaced with a blaze I was all too familiar with. This undeniable attraction between us.
It was mesmerizing.
All consuming.
Thrilling and yet terrifying.
I wanted Johnny Cash McGraw. I always had. Since I was a little girl, he was mine. I never thought he’d turn into a different person. This new man, the rock star, the legend, I didn’t know him. He scared me. And I was quickly learning they were two different people.
Night and day.
Jekyll and Hyde.
Oil and water.
Johnny and Cash?
Still, the irresistible connection I always knew was there was alive and thriving between us. Even as a little girl, Cash understood me. I understood him. We had this common ground that stemmed from the love of music. At the time, I was a child who had a crush on the boy from down the street.
Now as a woman, it evolved into something else entirely. My boy grew into a man who now wanted me. I was no longer the baby girl in his eyes but the woman he wanted to marry. Maybe he thought I could save him. Fully aware it was exactly what I showed up to do.
No words needed to be exchanged. Cash could read me like the back of his hand.
“So what’s this shit ’bout you comin’ here for me? What was Lars?”
I shrugged, smirking. Allowing him to change the subject. “A ruse.”
“Is that right?”
I nodded. “I was mad at you for never following through on your promises. I guess it was my version of payback.”
He grinned again, placing a hair behind my ear. “My Junie is spiteful, I see.”
“I wasn’t expecting you to knock him unconscious. I still feel bad about that.”
“You’re lucky I only stopped there. Seein’ you in his arms, Journey, after all these years, was like a kick to my fuckin’ balls. You went from this baby girl who loved to dance to my music, to this woman wit’ tits and an ass. Grindin’ on a fuckin’ rock star. Makin’ out wit’ him in front of a crowd. The fuck was that?”
“I wanted to make an impression.”
“Oh, you made quite the impression, Junie.”
“Were you jealous?”
“No. I was too fuckin’ pissed, little girl. How did you meet him?”
“The same way I told you. He did invite me on his tour bus, and I am supposed to be writing an article on touring with a rock band for school. None of that was a lie. I knew you’d be at the festival, and I took a chance you’d see me there. You know,” I sassed, “since Life of Debauchery chooses their groupies first, right?”
He ignored my snarky remark. “And if I hadn’t, would you be sleepin’ in that motherfucker’s bed instead of mine?”
“No. I would’ve found you. I told you, I’m here for you. Come home with me.”
“Junie,” he rasped, licking his lips. “I don’t think it’s a good idea. Just ’cuz you think I deserve to be in Bailey’s life, doesn’t mean everyone else will. She’s your brother’s kid, not mine.”
“I’m sorry, but I don’t agree. I love my brother, and I love Bailey. She and I have always had a special bond. I know what she deserves, and she has the right to know who you are. I’m not saying you need to tell her the truth. That will come out in time. But you can at least be in her life.”
“I won’t disrespect your brother or Harley like that.”
“You won’t.”
“Does Harley know you’re wit’ me?”
“No.”
“Does your daddy? Jackson? Your family?”
“Umm … my mom knows.”
He jerked back.
“She’s always liked you. She knows how much you meant to me, how much you still do. She was the one who suggested I come to see you.”
She was.
Little did anyone know how much he’d truly need me.
Until it was too late.
Chapter 4
“I found out there weren’t too many limitations, if I did it my way.”
-Johnny Cash
<>Cash<>
“Your momma told you to come here? For me?”
“Why do you find that so hard to believe?”
I rubbed the back of my neck. “The press isn’t very kind to me.”
“I imagine they wouldn’t be, considering you like to break their expensive cameras.”
“Fuck them. You don’t know what it’s like to be hounded by those pieces of shit. Thinkin’ they have the right to know a goddamn thing ’bout me. The tabloids need to make money, and what sells is controversy. We’ve made a career outta our debauchery, but most of the garbage you read is made up bullshit or it’s blown outta proportion to create media mayhem. It’s all part of the limelight. Comes wit’ the territory of bein’ a rock star. I can’t imagine for one second your momma bein’ okay wit’ you in this lifestyle. Are you tellin’ me the truth or blowin’ smoke up my ass to try to convince me to come back wit’ you?”
“Jackson is an NFL god. She knows what the press is capable of. It isn’t what the tabloids are saying about you that gets to us, Cash. It’s the fact that you haven’t come home in over twelve years. The last time anyone saw you in person, you were wiping blood off your mouth. Fighting with your father.”
Truth.
Journey had always been mature, wise beyond her years, an old soul at heart. Only proving it more and more as the days went on.
“What do you know ’bout me and Harley?”
“I know you don’t talk, and you haven’t since Bailey came into the picture. She didn’t tell me why, but I’ve never asked. Although I’ve wanted to hundreds of times. I didn’t want to pry into someone else’s business. If she wanted me to know, she’d tell me.” She paused, preparing herself. “For the longest time, Harley wasn’t herself. She didn’t smile, laugh, or enjoy being around family. She isolated herself, much like you have for all these years. Harley changed, though.”
“When?”
“After Jackson was injured, and they found out the truth about his future.”
I was winded. She stole my goddamn breath right outta my burning lungs. “Your momma,” I whispered, high enough for her to hear. Referring to their biological mom’s illness.
Journey bit, “She’s not my mother.”
She rendered me speechless. Up until this moment, I hadn’t given it any thought. To be completely honest, I’d never given it any thought. Journey was always a sweet, caring kid. I knew what had happened with their momma. Shit, I was at her funeral. The thought of Junie carrying the same gene as her mother’s untimely demise never crossed my mind.
What the fuck?
“Camila is my mom. My biological mother means nothing to me.”
The tone of her voice.
The look in her eyes.
The expression on her face.
I recognized it all too clearly.
“Whoa, Junie.”
Did she take the test? What isn’t she telling me?
She smiled, playing it off like I didn’t realize the hate searing off her body. Burning a fuckin’ hole into my chest. The abrupt desire to feel her skin against my fingers was just as overpowering as everything else had been since I first laid eyes on her. Suddenly, a feeling of protectiveness took over me in a way that not even seeing her with Lars brought out.
All I knew was I wanted her.
In any way, shape, or form I could have her. I needed Journey like the blood in my veins.
I couldn’t, wouldn’t let her go.
I didn’t know what kind of response I was expecting from her in regard to my proposal. I did know I wasn’t expecting to be turned down so damn quickly. She was the only good thing in my life other than my bandmates. Selfishly, I wanted to keep her by my side. I wasn’t used to people telling me no. It was a hard pill to swallow, especially coming from Journey.
I gripped onto the side of her face, slowly brushing my thumb along her lips. Terrified of her response. “You take the gene carrier test, baby?”
“Yeah. I’m fine.”
“Jesus Christ, Junie,” I exhaled all in one breath. “Don’t ever do that to me again. So you came up negative? You ain’t carryin’ the gene?”
“No.”
“Then what’s wit’ the disdain?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m just stating the truth. Camila is the only mother I’ve ever known. I don’t consider that woman anything other than the person who gave birth to me.”
“Kinda harsh, Junie. Don’t ya think?”
“How did this conversation become about me?”
“Jour—”
“Anyway.” She changed the subject. “After they found out Jackson was negative, Harley became herself again. She was happy. They were happy.”
I didn’t want to upset her. It was obvious changing the subject for the time being was in my best interest. This conversation wasn’t over. It was far from over.
Unable to resist, I inquired, “What does Bailey know ’bout me?”
“She knows you’re part of our extended family, the son of Uncle Dylan and Aunt Aubrey. Nothing has changed in our traditions, Cash. We still go to the MC clubhouse every Sunday. We spend holidays and birthdays together and celebrate monumental moments as a family. She also knows you are a musician. She loves your band and thinks it’s the coolest thing in the world to have another family member who’s famous. Her friends are just as obsessed as she is with Life of Debauchery.”
“And my parents?” I questioned before I could change my mind. “How are they?”
Her eyes glazed over. It was quick, but I saw it. “I won’t lie to you.”
