Life of debauchery duet.., p.37
Life of Debauchery Duet MASTER, page 37
I knew in my heart and soul she was going to live a long, healthy life with me by her side. I wasn’t worried in the least, except about her refusal to say yes. I probably asked her to marry me at least ten times in the last month alone. Her answer was always the same, “It’s not the right time.”
When the fuck would be the right time?
We’d gotten into a few arguments over it. I wanted her to be my wife, carry my last name, and be the mother of my future babies. You’d think it would make her panties wet hearing me say those things to her.
Nope.
I wouldn’t stop asking in hopes that one day she’d say yes.
She’d be my wife eventually.
During my downtime, I wrote songs. I had more inspiration now than I knew what to do with, and I couldn’t wait to get back into the studio.
Music was still a huge part of who I was.
My mom wasn’t lying, I was considering the surgery to make my hearing better. I hadn’t decided when I was going to take the plunge, but it would be sooner rather than later. My team of doctors were the best of the best. I trusted them wholeheartedly. Regardless, nothing would stop me from being a musician. Not even my hearing.
“Look at this handsome man in front of me,” Mom exclaimed, tearing me away from my thoughts. “It’s like I blinked and you’re no longer my little boy. I swear you look more like your father every day, McGraw.”
There was a time that statement would have triggered me to react in an angry manner. Now it was a compliment.
My dad wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulling me into his side. “He wishes he was as good lookin’ as me.”
I laughed, tugging the hair away from my face and placing it behind my ears.
“My heart stopped beatin’, and I still look this damn good.”
“Ugh!” Giselle groaned. “Daddy, don’t say that. I want to pretend that never happened. Worst day of our lives. I’m so glad you decided to retire. You were getting way too old to chase bad guys.”
He cocked his head to the side, making my sisters laugh.
She smiled. “I’m kidding.”
“It brought my boy home, didn’t it?”
I nodded, leaning into his embrace.
“I’m alive ’cuz of all of you.”
“That and a really good doctor,” Journey added to his statement. Her arms were wrapped around her old man as they walked over to us.
“I’m happy I made it in time to help,” Aiden replied, nodding to us.
If it wasn’t for Journey’s dad showing up when he did, my father wouldn’t be alive. Hauling ass into his hospital room only seconds after I ran out. He ordered another round of meds and shocked his chest again. From what I was told, everyone was blown away by the faint heartbeat on the monitor.
The good doctor lived up to his name.
My family’s relationship was better than ever. They attended several family sessions with my therapist and me. All of us took the opportunity to work through our issues in a safe and honest environment. We talked everything out, and I found myself understanding each of them in a way I never had before.
Especially, my old man.
We had the deepest heart-to-heart. Finally standing on the same side, battling my demons together. Apologies weren’t needed anymore. What I realized the most from the lost years between us was how much they loved me. How, with their support, I could tackle anything.
Including my sobriety.
I grabbed Junie’s hand, nodding toward the patio out back. She understood my silent request, walking away with me.
Privacy with her was what I craved.
“You look gorgeous in that dress. Did you cover up your tits for me?” I asked when we were alone outside.
“Well…” She threw her arms around my neck, getting close to my lips. “It is your big day. I thought it was the least I could do.”
“I wouldn’t have this day if it wasn’t for you.”
“I know.”
I laughed. “How humble, babe.”
She shrugged. “You know, there are several ways you can repay me for being so awesome.”
“Is that right?”
“Oh, yes!”
“Does it start wit’ you sittin’ on my face?”
“We could totally start there.”
I grinned. “When are you gonna marry me, Junie?”
“Cash…”
“What? I ain’t gonna give up.”
“You wouldn’t be Cash Motherfuckin’ McGraw if you did.”
“Don’t cuss, baby.”
She rolled her eyes at me.
“You sassin’ me, darlin’?”
“Maybe.”
“Through all the ups and downs of life, you are by far my most precious reward.”
She beamed. “I’ve loved you since the first time you sang to me. You’re my soul mate.”
“Then why won’t you marry me?”
“It’s not the right time, Cash.”
“You keep sayin’ that.”
“It’s the truth.”
“You tell me when that is, and I’ll make sure to ask. Yeah?”
She kissed my lips. “You’ll be the first to know.”
I closed my eyes and grabbed onto the sides of her face, wanting no distance between us. I claimed her mouth, reminding her of how much she owned every last part of my soul.
“I love you, Journey.”
She smiled against my mouth.
“You’re my June.”
My eyes opened and everything inside me went still.
Quiet.
I jerked back, stunned as hell.
“What?”
She followed my stare as I shockingly breathed out,
“Harley’s here.”
Chapter 35
“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”
-David Bowie
<>Cash<>
“I knew she’d come.”
My eyes locked with Journey’s. “You got somethin’ to do wit’ this?”
“Maybe.” She smirked. “I’ll leave you two alone.”
I watched Journey walk inside, inhaling a deep, solid breath for what I knew was to come. I couldn’t believe Harley was here.
For me.
I stood there for a few seconds, before I made my way over to her. Instantly grateful she chose to stand at the other end of the facility, furthest away from everyone. With each step in her direction, I felt torn on what to say first and how to say it. I hadn’t spoken to my best friend since she told me she was pregnant. The last time I saw her was at Bailey’s birthday party, and we all know how that ended. My heart was pounding a mile a minute with each step I took. Not knowing what to expect, but knowing I could spend hours and days apologizing to her.
Harley, Jackson, and Bailey’s names were frequently brought up in my therapy sessions. There was so much I wanted to say to them, so much I needed them to hear.
No better time than the present, right?
Once I was standing in front of her, I slid my hands into the pockets of my hoodie and eyed her up and down. She looked beautiful as always. Older, more mature, but I could still see the girl I grew up with.
The one who wasn’t afraid to get dirty.
To cuss.
To stand up to anyone and speak her mind. Including, me.
My girl.
My family.
My best friend.
There was a familiar, yet unnerving way about how she was looking at me. We were both lost in each other, remembering all the good times and especially the bad. It lingered over us. Our friendship flew through her eyes, mirroring my expression.
Unable to hold back any longer, I was the first to break the silence. “Hey there.”
She nodded. “You look good, Cash.”
“I feel good. It’s amazin’ how quick you can forget what it’s like to feel normal. If that makes any sense.” I scoffed out a chuckle as I peered down at my shoes, kicking dirt around with my feet. “I’m a stumblin’ fool. I’m nervous.”
“It’s just me, Cash.”
Our eyes connected. “All the more reason.”
Neither one of us said a word. We stood there for a few minutes with our minds held captive by my bad decisions.
“Journey has told me a lot ’bout your recovery.” She brought it up first. “I’m glad you’re gettin’ help.”
“I swear she’s an angel in disguise. I didn’t know she talked to you ’bout me.” Rubbing the back of my neck, I tried relieving the tension forming. “It’s just another thing I gotta thank her for.”
“She loves you. She’s always loved you. You’re lucky to have her in your life.”
“I know. To be honest, I’m damn lucky to have our family in my life, after the shit I did to everyone.”
“No one stopped lovin’ you after you left, Cash.”
“Yeah, I realize that now. Not so much back then. I was a fuckin’ mess. There’s a lot I needed to sort out. I’m still workin’ through my steps, and I’ve been wantin’ to stop by and talk to you and Jackson. I just…” I shrugged. “I fucked up, Harley. Out of everyone, I fucked up wit’ you the most.”
“No shit!”
Our stares shot toward the person I least expected to see.
Jackson.
“Babe, please don’t,” Harley pleaded, her tone changing drastically.
“I could say the same to you,” he reprimanded. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
“How’d you even know I was here?”
“I heard Journey talking to you about this piece of shit.”
“Jack—”
“I deserve that,” I firmly stated, standing my ground. “I deserve everythin’ you wanna throw my way, quarterback. I royally fucked up. I knew it then, and I know it now. I can’t change the past. Unhurt the people I love. I made shitty ass choices that damaged my family for over a decade, and I gotta live wit’ it. Move past it. I’ve spent too much time drownin’ in the consequences of my own destruction. I am my own worst enemy.”
“What do you want, Cash? Huh? You want everyone to feel bad for you? Give you another chance? I see through your bullshit. I don’t trust you with my wife’s heart. You weren’t there. You ran away like you always do. You didn’t see the havoc you wreaked on her life, our marriage, on your parents. The truth is you’re a selfish fuck, and I won’t let you hurt Harley again.”
“One of my biggest regrets is hurtin’ her, quarterback.” I paused then spoke with conviction, “You don’t know what I went through to push her away and into your arms.”
He jolted back. The impact of my words rendering him speechless. Narrowing his eyes at me, he questioned, “What?”
“You heard me. You want the truth?” I stepped up to his face. “I’ll tell you the fuckin’ truth. The night Harley came to tell me she was pregnant was the night that started my demise. I pushed her away like she was trash, like she meant nothin’. When she meant everythin’ to me. I hurt her. Betrayed her. I fuckin’ lied to her face. Destroyin’ our friendship, our love, our pact to always be there for one another` no matter the circumstances.”
“What?” Harley interjected, standing beside Jackson to face me and my truths. “What did you lie ’bout?”
“I told you I didn’t want the baby.”
Her eyes widened, taking in what I was sharing.
“I hurt you on purpose, Harley.”
“Why?”
“’Cuz I wanted better for you and our child. You saw where I lived. You knew what kinda life I was livin’. That was no place to raise a baby.” I looked back at Jackson. “I knew you loved her. I’ve known you’ve loved her since we were kids. You wanna know what else I knew?”
He didn’t say a word, paying close attention to all I was confessing.
“I always knew you were the better man between the two of us. I. Chose. You. I wanted you to raise our baby. I knew you’d do right by Harley. I knew you’d give ’em everythin’ they deserved. A roof over their heads, food on the table, clothes on their back. You would provide everythin’ I couldn’t. Love. Devotion. Security. I knew you’d step up and be there for ’em.” I pointed to myself. “All I wanted was for my kid to have the very best role model, hero, Father … I knew wit’ everythin’ inside of me that man was you.”
His eyes widened, mirroring his wife’s. Shocked as shit with what I just admitted for the first time to anyone.
“The night you kicked my ass, I was waitin’ for it. I wanted you to hurt me. I deserved it and more. It didn’t matter, though, ’cuz I ended up hurtin’ myself the most. I drank, I drugged, I numbed every inch of my mind and body. Hidin’ from the truth. I missed out on seein’ Bailey grow up. Watch her take her first steps, say her first word, hear her call me ‘Daddy’.” I paused, needing a moment to gather my thoughts.
“I regret missin’ years of her life, Jackson, but don’t for one second think I regret choosin’ you to be her father. You’re her dad. I know that. I showed up at her birthday party to tell you I knew that. I ain’t here to take her away from you, or to tell her the truth about who I am. But I would like the chance to see her, get to know her, as an uncle, a family friend, whatever you choose to tell her. It makes no difference to me, I just wanna love her. Please let me.”
“Oh, Cash…” Harley coaxed, grabbing my arm to face her.
She was crying big, huge ugly tears. “I didn’t know. I had no idea. Oh my God. You were my best friend. How could you lie to me?”
“I had to make you hate me. It was the only way you’d let Jackson raise her wit’ you.”
“Do you have any idea how much you hurt me?”
“Enough to drive me down a dark alley.”
She grimaced, not hiding it for one second.
“I’m sorry, Harley. I’m so fuckin’ sorry for hurtin’ you. I fucked up many years of your life and marriage. I’m sorry to both of you. I made you pay for my mistakes. I hope one day you can find it in your hearts to forgive me. Not a day has gone by I haven’t thought ’bout you or Bailey. I miss my best friend. I love you, Harley. Please tell me you at least know that?”
<>Journey<>
I couldn’t help myself, I never could. Before I knew what I was doing, I grabbed Cash’s hand and stood beside him.
Unified front.
“I know you’re still upset with me, Jackson. You have every right to be. I’m sorry too. I thought… I just wanted to help. I know what it’s like not to have a choice of who is in your life. I didn’t want that for Bailey.”
Jackson lowered his eyebrows.
“I love you. I love both of you. I love Bailey as if she were my own. She can have the best of both worlds. Cash is a good person, a good man. He loves her. I’ve seen it. I feel it. I know he’s made mistakes, we all have. Please don’t let Bailey suffer from not knowing him. She deserves to have all the love in the world. You’re her parents, and I’ll respect whatever choice you make. All I ask is for you to please give him a chance to make things right.”
Cash smiled at me.
I was proud of him for finally telling his side of the story. It was so easy to blame and hate him, however, no one did a better job at it than himself.
“I’m here, standin’ in front of you. Wantin’ to thank you from the bottom of my heart for everythin’ you have done for Bailey. You raised her as if she were your own, and you’ve done an amazin’ job. From the first time I saw her on camera when you won the Super Bowl, I could see how bright and beautiful she was. You’ve done right by her, and I will never be able to thank you enough.”
I could tell by the expression on my brother’s and Harley’s expressions this was a lot to take in. I understood how they felt. It was an overwhelming amount of honesty on Cash’s part. All I could do was hope they would eventually come around. It wasn’t something that was going to happen today or tomorrow, or even a month from now.
It was going to take time, and I knew Cash would be patient. He wasn’t going anywhere. He’d wait an eternity if it meant they’d allow him into Bailey’s life. As much as I wanted it to happen in a blink of an eye, I wasn’t naïve enough to think it was going to. Although, he did take a huge step in the right direction in showing them he wasn’t a threat to Jackson.
I knew all along he wasn’t.
He was a good man, just needing to believe in himself.
“Cash,” Harley spoke, hesitating for a few seconds. “This is a lot to take in.”
“I know,” he acknowledged, tightening his hold on my hand. “I don’t want you to feel rushed or pressured by it. One way or another, you have the right to feel any way you want. I had to say my piece in order to move on wit’ my steps. You and Jackson are the last people on my list to make amends wit’. All I can do is pray one day you both can find it in your hearts, to not forget but to forgive me.”
My brother broke his silence. “I don’t even know what to say, pussy boy. I’ve spent so many years hating you, and now I feel like I have to thank you. It’s so fuckin’ confusing. Only proving you’re still a pain in my ass.” The tone of Jackson’s voice had a hint of humor in it.
“We’re gonna need time to process this,” Harley declared.
“Take all the time you need,” he stated.
Harley stepped in front of him, blocking Jackson to face Cash on her own. “I do know you love me. I’ve always known that. It’s why it hurt so bad when you made me think you didn’t. It all makes sense now, though. I want you to know I do miss you, and despite what happened between us, I’ve never stopped lovin’ you.”
“Thank you for sayin’ that. It means more to me than you’ll ever know.”
Cash pulled her into a hug, and she went willingly. It was nice to see them reunited as best as they could be for the moment. Harley pulled away, wiping away a tear.
Jackson reached for her while Cash extended his hand for Jackson to shake. Jackson looked down at his gesture and then peered up at him through the slits of his eyes.
