Life of debauchery duet.., p.30
Life of Debauchery Duet MASTER, page 30
We fell asleep in this position and hadn’t moved all night. It had become our normal routine, falling asleep in each other’s embrace. Waking up to Journey in my arms was more than I ever could have imagined.
I’d never take it for granted.
I’d never take her for granted.
I couldn’t get enough of my girl, and the feeling was mutual. We were attached at the hip, and I didn’t want it any other way.
My phone rang again, and I reached for it, almost knocking it off the nightstand.
“What?” I grumbled, annoyed at getting woken up.
“Cash, it’s Jamie.”
I rubbed my eyes, trying to wipe away the sleep. “What time is it?”
“Seven in the morning.”
“Jesus fuck, Jamie.”
“Listen, it’s important or I wouldn’t be calling you this early.”
“Mmm…” Journey stirred in my arms.
“What’s up?” I asked while she moved her knee up a little, immediately moving it back down when she felt the bulge on her leg.
She peeked up at me through her lashes, mouthing, “You.”
I grinned, watching as she started kissing her way down my chest.
“Cash, are you listening?” Jamie questioned, bringing my attention back to her.
“Yeah.”
“So you’re going to check?”
“Check what?”
“I thought you were listening?”
Journey giggled, hearing Jamie on the other end as she wrapped her hand around my cock, sucking on the head.
“Fuck…”
Already tasting my pre-come against her tongue, she deep throated my shaft to the back of her throat.
“Junie…”
“Cash!”
“What?!”
“You’d better not be doing what I think you are.”
Journey giggled again. The vibration feeling fuckin’ amazing on my dick.
“Is Journey with you?”
“Of course.”
“Call me back when you have a second to talk. It’s important.”
I hung up.
“You little minx.”
She released me with a pop. “Oh, you don’t want a blowy? Okay, I can go take a shower then.”
I grabbed onto her arm when she tried to leave.
“Fuck me wit’ your mouth, baby.”
Her smirk was devious. She loved when I gave her control. Anytime I did, she thrived on it. Wasn’t often, but I let her have her way with me.
Leaning forward, she licked her lips and stroked my cock.
“Harder, baby.”
I held in a breath as she licked along the tip. Her warm lips once again sucked me in. Inch-by-inch her hot mouth glided down my shaft in a slow, torturous rhythm, taking me deep and then back out.
“Christ…” Grabbing onto the back of her neck, I thrust up as she went down. Causing her to gag and spit to fall outta the sides of her mouth. “Goddamn, Junie …” The sight and feel of her was almost too fuckin’ much.
Almost.
“Good girl, you’re such a good girl.”
“Mmm,” she hummed as she sucked me deeper, her hand moving in-sync with her mouth.
I couldn’t hold back any longer—I had to touch her. I sat up and reached around her tiny frame, pushing my fingers deep into her pussy. Her wetness made it easy to do so.
“Uhhh,” she purred, stroking me faster and with more determination.
I pumped my hips against her movements, getting lost in the way she worked me over.
Her rhythm started to match the speed of my fingers.
“I’m gonna come,” she warned seconds before coming all down the palm of my hand.
I growled and didn’t give it a second thought, pulling out of her mouth. I sat her on my cock instead.
“Cash…” she moaned, sliding down my shaft.
“Ride me, Junie.”
She did just that.
Digging her heels into the mattress, she swayed her hips back and forth. I roughly gripped the back of her neck to keep our eyes locked together. Our connection booming all around us, you could feel it a mile away. With my other hand, I clutched onto her ass, rocking her against me much firmer and quicker.
Our mouths parted, both of us panting uncontrollably, desperately trying to cling onto every sensation of the head of my dick against her g-spot.
“I love you,” she muttered, kissing my lips. “I love you so much.”
I smiled, it never got old hearing her say those three words.
“Cash, Cash, Cash,” she repeated, climaxing all down my shaft and dragging me over the edge of ecstasy with her. We shook from our orgasms, passionately claiming one another’s mouths.
Bang. Bang. Bang.
Someone knocked on my door.
“Fuck off!”
“I know what you’re doing in there,” Beck sang through the door.
Journey chuckled. “Don’t be mean to him.”
“Yeah, Cash! Don’t be mean to me!”
“Beck, fuck off!”
She smacked my chest.
“You’re getting laid now, and you’re still a moody prick! I wouldn’t be interrupting if it wasn’t important.”
“What’s wit’ everyone and their urgency this mornin’?”
She shrugged. “I’m going to take a nice long, hot bath.”
“Want some company?”
“No, I actually want to take a real bath.” She kissed my lips, and I smacked her ass while she made her way off my bed. My predatory gaze didn’t leave her naked body as she strolled into the bathroom and closed the door behind her.
There was no wiping the smile off my face. For the first time in my life, I was happy, truly happy. It was such a foreign emotion for me, and the longer I was with her it only intensified.
“Cash! The fuck, man?! Open the door!”
I jumped off the bed to throw on a shirt and some gym shorts before I did. “What?”
Beck grinned. “You look freshly fucked.”
I scoffed out a chuckle, shaking my head.
“You know, I thought Journey would have been a lot louder.”
“Beck, don’t think ’bout my girl.”
He laughed as I sidestepped him to walk toward the kitchen. “What’s so fuckin’ important you had to drag me outta my room?”
Following close behind me, he questioned, “You haven’t talked to Jamie?”
“If I had, would I be askin’ you?”
“She said she was going to call you.”
“She did, but I hung up to take care of my girl instead.”
“You need to call her back.”
“Beck,” I stressed, grabbing the juice out of the fridge. I poured myself a glass. “Just tell me what’s up, and then I’ll call her.”
“It’s about the website for your old band.”
I faced him, confused. “What site?”
“First Verse.”
“There’s a site?”
“I don’t fuckin’ know, but that’s what she said.”
“What ’bout it?”
“I guess … she’s been trying to get access to it for the last few weeks, and she finally did this morning.”
“What does she need it for?”
“The press. They’ve been trying to find whatever they can on your ass.
“Alright.” I nodded. “So have her take it down.”
“Cash…” he warily coaxed.
“What the fuck, man. What’s up?”
“I don’t know how to say this to you, but I think it’s better if it came from me.”
I arched an eyebrow, waiting for I didn’t know what.
“Fuckin’ A, Beck, out wit’ it already. I’m over the dramatic bullshit. What’s goin’ on?”
He rubbed the back of his neck, trying to relieve the hasty tension for what he was going to share with me. A sudden anxious sensation crept down my spine and into the pit of my stomach.
“She said there’s a shit ton of emails in the inbox for you. Years and years of emails.”
I jerked back, never expecting him to add,
“From Aubrey McGraw.”
Chapter 21
“Next to love, music is the best solution to any problem. Music feeds the heart with what it needs in the moment.”
-George Michael
<>Cash<>
“Cash—”
“How the fuck do I get into this site?” I snapped into the phone, unable to control the emotions coursing through my veins and into my soul.
This wasn’t good.
I felt it deep in my bones. Nothing positive would come of this, yet I couldn’t look away. There was no question about it—I needed to know what my mother had to say.
I wanted a drink.
The craving was rearing its dark, ugly head.
Mind over matter, Cash. You’re stronger than whiskey.
I licked my lips, practically tasting the fiery liquid in my mouth. Triggering my legs to bounce up and down nervously. It made it hard to hold the computer in my lap, they sprang on their own accord.
My demons were making themselves known in a way I’d never experienced before. Clawing at my back, my neck, my goddamn heart that now belonged to Journey.
I was a fuckin’ mess, frantically fighting for the future I wanted more than anything.
Junie.
Jamie replied, “Beck told you?”
“I’m on my laptop right now. Where do I go?”
“Are you okay?”
“Jamie, answer my fuckin’ question.”
She inhaled a firm breath. “Cmcgrew@firstverse.org”
I typed it in.
“Login is your name, password is your name again with the numbers 7, 8, 9, behind it.”
“How many emails are there?”
“Cash…”
In a sharp tone, I demanded, “How many emails?”
She sighed, “Hundreds.”
All the blood drained from my face down to the core of my body. Before she could say another word, I hung up on her. Coming face-to-face with the reality I was unexpectedly drowning in.
The screen changed over and there, in front of my eyes, was email after email from my mother. Most dating back to over twelve years ago. The first one was weeks after I’d left Oak Island and her behind.
I didn’t know what to say, how to feel, what to do…
Feeling lost once again.
Deeper and deeper the desire to fall down the rabbit hole became bigger and bigger.
My heart dropped.
I felt sick.
I couldn’t fuckin’ breathe.
The ground beneath me swallowed my whole body.
“My baby boy. I’m so sorry.”
The first email subject line read. I immediately shut the laptop, overwhelmed with the truth that was blatantly laid out before my eyes.
My family was a living, breathing trigger for me.
The craving to drink was so goddamn intense. I wanted to cave. I thought I had control over my sobriety, however, one look at my mother’s words had me questioning the last two and a half months of my life.
Starting and ending with, “I love you.”
My heart continued to beat outta my chest, and sweat pooled at my temples.
I was jonesing.
I was jonesing, so fuckin’ bad.
Dealing with my internal struggle of losing the best thing I ever had.
Journey.
I closed my eyes, trying with every fiber of my being to get ahold of my emotions.
Don’t do it, Cash. Alcohol ain’t the answer.
My longing to relapse was running deep…
Taunting me.
Baiting me.
Like a loaded gun to my fuckin’ head.
I didn’t know how long I sat there on the couch in my room, battling the urge to drink. Trying to come to terms with the fact my mother had emailed me.
Reached out, starting with an apology.
The truth hit me harder. Only beating me belligerently with each second that passed. It was a slap of reality that made me doubt all the choices I had made.
Bailey.
I couldn’t stop the tears that formed in my eyes just thinking of my little girl. Knowing things would have been different, if I had the support of my mother. I thought I was alone.
I wasn’t.
My hands trembled as I opened the laptop again, instantly clicking on the first email she’d written.
My baby boy,
I don’t know if you will ever read this, but as your mother, I have to try. I’ve spent every night since you left crying myself to sleep. I can’t think about anything other than you. I’m scared for you, worried for you, completely devastated for you. The night of the award ceremony I had a bad feeling I couldn’t shake. When you didn’t show up to support your father, I felt it in my heart. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it came down like a bomb over our heads.
Your song.
The hurt in your voice.
The pain in your face.
It haunts my dreams.
You haunt my dreams.
There are so many things I wish I could go back and change. I think about it all the time. It wasn’t right, what happened that night. I know that now. I’m terrified it might be too late to tell you how sorry I am to have put you through that.
I love you.
I’ve made mistakes, and so have you. I want to move past it, Cash. All your father and I have ever wanted was what was best for you. They don’t hand out books on how to raise your children. You do the best you can. Day in and day out. One day when you have your own kids you’ll understand what it means to unconditionally love them. No matter what.
I need you, Cash. I need my boy.
I never meant to push you away. I was just so upset you showed up drunk and high, and I know that’s not my boy, my son, the child I gave birth to and raised. It wasn’t you. It was like a stranger was staring back at me. I reacted out of fear of what could have happened if you would’ve gotten in a car accident or worse… Died.
I can’t even think about that. It makes me physically ill. I’m so sorry, baby. For everything. I want to make things right. Please, if you read this, call me. I’ll be waiting by the phone, no matter where you are or what time…
I’m here for you.
Always and forever.
With all my love,
Mom
The dagger lodged in my heart twisted a little more. I willed my body and mind to stop reading these emails. To walk the fuck away. To go find comfort in Journey. I didn't need to read this, not now when I was struggling to stay sober.
But the bottle might as well have been in my hand and the contents down my throat.
Things were much clearer now. The truth. It spun around and around in an endless cycle over the last twelve years. Replaying on repeat as if I were a broken record, and my life was a sad ballad.
All these years…
I wanted to call her and tell her how much I loved her.
How much I thought about her.
Dreamt about her.
How hollow I felt on the inside ’cuz I missed my mother. How I debated so many damn times to break down and
reach out, just to hear her voice, see her face, feel her love.
I scrolled through the emails, reading subject after subject…
I miss you.
Where are you?
I had a bad dream about you.
Please tell me you’re okay.
My inbox was full of similar emails from her, one overlapping the other. I fought with all my thoughts, all my emotions. Sentiment after sentiment pulling me under.
My breathing rapid.
My heart pounding.
My mind battling.
I didn’t know which way was up or down. Dragging me further through the path of my own destruction.
My body shaking.
My heart breaking.
My world coming apart.
Shattering into a million pieces. I couldn’t keep up with the turmoil, the devastation, the consequences of my actions.
Click.
Click.
Click.
Until I landed on the email that read, We’re having problems.
Hey baby,
I’ve spent the last two years writing you with no response. It’s weird because this is the only place I still feel connected to you. Despite never hearing a reply or receiving a call, it still gives me peace to write you. Despite it all.
Your father and I are having our ups and downs. Part of me can’t forgive him for making you run away. I miss you more and more every day. It feels like I can’t breathe, Cash. Like you took my heart, my soul, my life right along with you. I worry about you all the time. It doesn’t matter that Harley says you’re alright. I still feel like you need me. I mourn you like you passed away and I didn’t get to say goodbye.
My biggest fear is that I’ll never see you again. It’s not fair. I hate living like this, going on without seeing your face. Your dad isn’t the same. He hasn’t been since you left. Our marriage is in a shaky place, and I don’t know what to do. I want to forgive him, but I can’t because it feels like I’m betraying my only son. I don’t know how much longer we can go on like this. It hurts. It hurts so bad. I feel like I’m dying day after day.
I need you.
I need my baby boy.
I love you, Cash.
I hope you remember that when you’re feeling alone. Please write me. Please. I love you more than anything in this world.
Always and forever.
With all my love,
Mom
I bowed my head in such shame and remorse with tears streaming down the sides of my face. I felt everything.
Every word.
All her sadness and despair.
Once again starting and ending with, I love you.
