Poems he wrote, p.1
Poems He Wrote, page 1
Poems He Wrote
Blasters Store I
Sara Flavo
Contents
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
TRIGGER WARNINGS
PLAYLIST
PROLOGUE
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
37
38
EPILOGUE 1
EPILOGUE 2
THE END…
Short vocabulary
Acknowledgments
My family
About the author
Thank you for reading!
Copyright © 2023 Sara Flavo
Independently published
All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced in any form without the permission from the publisher, except for the quotes or little excerpts on reviews.
For the permission contact: author.saraflavo@gmail.com
ASIN: B0CKK4MPYB
Cover by Sara Flavo
Editor: Marija Conić
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and situations are all products of the author’s wild imagination. The behavior of the main characters in this book, and future books in this series, is heavily influenced by Serbian culture and people. This book is intended for mature audiences only.
To everyone whose demons hold the shape of their parents. You are loved. You are heard. You are seen.
TRIGGER WARNINGS
Child abuse, eating disorder, drug abuse, overdose, depression, sexual assault (not on page, just mentioned), violent behavior, alcohol abuse, attempted murder, explicit sexual content.
A message for my parents:
Mom, dad, please close the book and leave it be. Someday, I might write something that your green eyes should see.
I love you.
Mom, I mean it. Put the book down.
PLAYLIST
Falling In Reverse - Good Girls Bad Guys
Guns’n Roses - Welcome to the Jungle
The Weeknd - Take My Breath
Two Feet - I Feel Like I’m Drowning
Chase Atlantic - Meddle About
Slipknot - Unsainted
Rosenfeld - Cool Cool Boy
Slipknot - Dead Memories
Justin Timberlake - Cry Me A River
BTS - House of Cards
Sleep Token - The Summoning
The Neighborhood - Sweater Weather
Beyoncé - Partition
Blackbear - Hot Girl Bummer
Michael Buble - Feeling Good
Austin Giorgio - You Put A Spell On Me
Troye Sivan - Talk Me Down
Bring Me The Horizon - Teardrops
Lana Del Rey - Sad Girl
Rosenfeld - Like U
Adele - Make You Feel My Love
Bangchan & Hyunjin - Red Lights
Bad Omens - Never Know
Two Feet - Love is A Bitch
Vince Kidd ft. Lady Leshurr - Sick love
Deftones - Cherry Waves
Rosenfeld - Her
Limp Bizkit - Eat You Alive
Paramore - The Only Exception
Bring Me The Horizon - True Friends
Bad Omens - The Worst In Me
Sleep Token - Blood Sport
Bad Omens - Just Pretend
Amy Winehouse - Back To Black
Disturbed - The Sound Of Silence
Joji - Die For You
Billie Eilish - Ocean Eyes
Hozier - Work Song
Rihanna, Calvin Harris - This Is What You Came For
Britney Spears - If You Seek Amy
Spotify playlist link:
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1JkAqBy4c7r2rd6dbTqPp3?si=2627349d35c64558
This song is only available on YouTube, don’t skip it, it’s a banger!
Vince Kidd - Sick Love ft. Lady Leshurr - YouTube
PROLOGUE
Good Girls Bad Guys - Falling in Reverse
Matilda lays on her side next to me almost hyperventilating. Her fingers are nervously messing with one of the straps of her overalls. I look into her eyes and see a tear slide down her face.
“What’s wrong, Mats?” I ask, brushing my fingers down her face, “Is it because of your birthday?”
Her special day always brings out the worst in her. She never knew her parents, as they left her at the fire station the day she was born. Luckily, our first neighbor, who worked the night shift, was the one who found her.
“No…I got used to this feeling. I’ve been living like this for fifteen years,” she sniffles, “It’s something else. I need to tell you something.”
“Okay…you know you can tell me anything, Mats!” I don’t like it when she cries… She never cries. “Did something happen?”
She looks into her chipped nails, squeezing a teddy bear I just gave her as her fifteenth birthday present. A storm rages behind her eyes and I can see that she’s really struggling. I have never seen her this unsettled, and I’ve been by her side for over a decade.
“I…listen… I… shit.” She takes a deep breath, calming herself down, “Ithinkilikegirlstoo.”
“What???”
“I said I think I like girls too.” she repeats, all serious.
Oh, I knew that… I mean she is always looking at girls, and then gets flustered around them. There is this tall girl in our class who steals Mats’ attention all the time. I noticed a long time ago that Mats had the hots for her.
“Cool. I like girls too. They’re so hot.”
“That’s all you have to say?” She looks stunned, her eyes saucer-wide.
Did she expect a different reaction from me?
Should I be offended?
“Yeah? We have one more thing in common, Mats! High five!” I press my palm firmly against hers, “You like who you like, as long as you’re loved, I’m a happy man.”
“You are fifteen, you are barely a boy.” She chuckles, whipping her runny nose.
“I’ll be one once I grow up and marry a curvy redhead metal chick.”
“What’s up with you and redheads?” She raises her eyebrow at me.
“They are divine, Mats! They look otherworldly.” A wide smile stretches over my face as I roll onto my back, “And they bring you happiness!”
“Gosh, sometimes I forget you are a poet, but you’re right there to remind me. Have you ever heard any other teen use that word?”
“Oh shut the fuck up.” I say, yanking her small frame into me, holding her close. I want to make sure she knows nothing is going to change now. She is like a triplet to my sister and me. “We can talk girls now. So cool! What’s your type?”
“Tall, muscular and smart.”
Boring, I knew that already, but I pretend I didn’t.
“Interesting… Everything you’re not,” I joke, “I like curves, like, big curves and a tummy, and long hair and boobs. I really, really like boobs. And a good sense of humor too.”
“Did you just call me stupid?” She gasps and finally stops crying, swatting her hands at me, “And Noah, I know this might be a shock to you, but every teenager likes boobs.”
“You too?”
“Yeah.” She shrugs.
We both burst out laughing. I love Mats so much.
“One day I’m gonna marry my auburn-haired woman, Mats, you’ll see. And it’s gonna be the most beautiful wedding you've ever gone to.” I say softly, “Even better than your own. And you are going to be my best woman.”
“Do I have to wear a suit?”
1
Welcome to the Jungle – Guns n’ Roses
Noah
-Two years ago-
Today is just not my day. My hairdryer is broken, I’ve just burnt my breakfast, and the weather outside is wild. It would be a miracle if the sun was shining four days in a row. It’s fucking July, can a guy have just a wee bit of sun, please?
The poems I wrote this morning are now lying under a thick coat of black coffee, due to me not seeing the mug and knocking it over in a rush, trying to finish everything in time and not be late for work. It’s not like I would miss much since I’m there every day from opening hours to almost closing.
I have deep purple circles under my eyes and tremors in my hands, which if I may add, feel like shit. Tiana says I need to stop “eating” Red Bull for dinner, but she doesn’t know what it's like to be an artist. I’m the fun twin, the party at our store and she is the boss, the brains of the operation, the boring one. Sometimes I wish I was as put together as she is though. That would mean much less burnt eggs and much more happy poems and lyrics in my notebook. But it is what it is. Not all of us are made to lead, some of us were made to create, and I mostly create chaos.
As I open the bathroom door, my phone starts ringing once again, and I can’t help the groan that escapes. I wonder how the thing hasn’t exploded yet from the constant ringing all day, every day. It’s Tiana
“Yes, I can stay and lock up.” I say as I draw a hairbrush down my wet hair.
“How did you know?” she says, as if it’s our first rodeo.
“Tia, I can see into your brain, you know, twins and shit.”
“Don’t. You know saying that creeps me out.” She makes a retching noise, “Anyways, I have a date tonight, and I actually need you to stay at the store a little longer today…”
“Again?” I cut her off, “Tia…What for? Nothing is being delivered today and the cleaning crew came by last night, right?”
“Yes, they did an amazing job, and no, no guitar deliveries.” she mumbles, “Okay, listen, I did something, please don’t be mad.”
“What did you do?” I squeeze out through my teeth, the high-pitched sound of her voice makes my skin crawl. My sister just loves dumping all kinds of shit on me, it’s like she can’t help it.
“You know how you keep saying you can’t write at work, because of all the guitarists and the noise and stuff? Well, I have made a deal with some small construction crew, and they were only available for a few hours tonight." She sounds hesitant, and it takes me a minute to register what she’s actually saying.
“What did you do, Tiana?” My voice is shaky, because if she did what I think she did...
“I am lending you my office, Noah. I haven’t done much for you for our birthday this year, and I just wanted to show you that I listen and I care. That I appreciate everything you do for me and for the store, and all the sacrifices that you make to keep us going.” My eyes fill with tears at her words, “I mostly work from home currently, and I wouldn’t actually mind the peace and quiet once in a blue moon, when I actually decide to come to the store, so the crew is going to soundproof the office - no noise in, no noise out.”
I can’t speak. If I open my goddamn mouth I will scream and ugly cry. She really did it. For me. For my scribbling.
“Noah? You there?” she asks, probably worried I might have passed out.
“Yeah,” I whisper, “Are you sure, Tia? It’s your space, you are the one who worked ha–”
“Yes, it’s been a dream of yours for a long time.” she cuts me off.
After a long pause spent listening to my twin’s breathing, I feel calm enough to speak properly again.
“Thank you, Tiana. I will make you proud one day. I will make mom proud too.” There is a golf ball-sized lump in my throat and my eyes sting. It feels like the room around me is spinning in circles, but in the most positive way possible.
“We both already are. I would do anything for you, and so would she, if she was still with us.” The sadness in her voice breaks my heart, I feel like she doesn’t really remember her anymore, and the same is happening to me. It’s been sixteen years.
“And so would dad, asshole! Call him back, he wants to talk to you.” She switches to a bossy tone, and I can’t believe he was whining about me, again. I just can’t stop my eyes from rolling into the back of my head.
“Okay, okay, I will.” Maybe, I think to myself, “Is it important?”
“I can’t say. I’m going to go now, love you, knucklehead.”
“Love you too, sis.”
I stare at my reflection in the mirror for a good hour after the line goes silent. It’s a way of grounding for me. Every time I feel too excited about something, or too happy about something, I know for a fact that a bad thing is coming my way. That’s what I was taught since I was a kid. It’s in our Balkan blood, the curse of ‘If you laugh too much, you will cry later’.
My hair is mostly dry now, the rain is still pouring like crazy, but I am finally getting my own space at BLASTERS. A place I can finally create something at, since I can’t play any of the instruments we are selling for the life of me.
Black tee on, dark jeans on, black Chuck Taylors on and I’m off to work. I stick my earphones in and try my best to relax on the drive there. Since our music store is not too far away, I always opt for taking the bus. The drums in my ears make my heart pump faster as I imagine myself on a stage instead in this smelly, dirty, old vehicle that’s probably dying faster than the blonde chick in horror movies.
The kid across from me is staring at my tattooed fingers with disgust. His, I guess, mom isn’t looking at me any better, so I give the kid the finger. The mom gasps so loudly I can actually hear it through the music in my ears and I chuckle. Keep staring, bitch.
Yup. This day is definitely getting better.
***
Work sucks ass. There, I said it. Only Matilda shows up. The other two are unfortunately sick again, so the pair of us had to move some of the shelves around and completely rearrange the drum kit section for the construction guys to bring their equipment in without damaging our products. I tried my best to do all the heavy lifting, because I have no uterus, but sweet baby Jesus, there is a ‘too much’ for a lanky dude like me too. I can’t feel my arms and I have four more hours to lift and push. Oh, and a few more, once the construction crew leaves, but I’ll gladly suffer through those, even if it was double the time. Mats and I work amazingly side by side. The time goes by real fast once we start talking about our hopes and dreams for the store. I am happy I have her with me, she goes anywhere I go.
My damn phone is ringing again, as I've said, all day, every day. I already have 5 missed calls from my dad, and If I don’t take this one, my ass is grass.
My ass is grass, what am I, fifty-seven?
“Find some woman to bother, Marko, I have work to do!” I say jokingly, sitting down on one of the huge amplifiers we store.
“Well, that’s why I am calling, son. I did find one.” he says in a not so flat tone.
“Wait, what?” I whisper scream into the speaker, spitting all over my best friend’s lap. She is trying her best to glue her face to the other side of my phone just so she could hear what my dad is saying.
“Her name is Christine Forbs, well, was. Now she’s a Lukovich too.” he sing-songs his words and I don’t know what to feel or what to say. What the fuck?
“Well. Dad, is this a spur of the moment or what? I am happy for you, but you never mentioned her.” I take a deep breath, “I mean… You got married. I am not angry, I promise, just a bit hurt that I wasn't invited to the wedding.” Poppy Valley isn’t far away from Oaks Creek, I could’ve been there, I could’ve been a part of it. There is this feeling of complete weirdness in my gut, he is a grown man, yet I feel like I am the dad, and he is the son, telling me he got his first girlfriend ever. Life is strange like that sometimes. But this is worse, it’s not a girlfriend, it’s a wife.
“We’ve been seeing each other for a bit over a year now. She is divorced, and has a daughter your age, actually. I, unfortunately, haven't met her yet, since their relationship is a bit stranded. I felt like it was time to move on. She is a good woman, Noah.” He takes a deep breath, as if calming himself, “I know I shouldn’t talk about this with my boy, but she showers me with love and attention, I never feel alone anymore. I am not getting any younger, son, and I know we talk a lot on the phone, but I was lonely here with all of you gone, and I just didn’t want to live like that anymore. This felt like the right thing to do.”
“You shouldn’t be alone, dad. Mom died sixteen years ago, and you’ve never brought a woman home. We were your only priority and I honestly thought you would never recover. I am happy for you, dad, I truly am, I just wish you told us sooner.” I say with a genuine smile on my face, slowly coming to terms with this new situation.
“Oh, Jensen and Tiana knew. I was just afraid to tell you, since I know how you are about your mom.” He clears his throat. My twin AND my younger brother kept a secret from me. Nice. What a weird feeling in my chest, I wonder if it’s an urge to murder my goddamn siblings.
Seriously? Everyone knew but me?
"Thank you for the trust I guess… Anyway, I'm glad you found someone. I can’t wait to meet them both.” I say, and I truly mean it, simultaneously squishing the anger I feel towards those two little shits right now.
