Big island gardens, p.10
Big Island Gardens, page 10
“So he hugged me. How is that such a big deal? Since when is a hug unprofessional? Not returning your client’s calls, now that’s unprofessional.”
Emma listened patiently to her diatribe, then gave her a long look.
“There’s a hug, and then there’s crying on someone’s shoulder while they hold you in their arms.”
“Fine.” Nell wrinkled her nose and pulled at a deeply rooted weed with both hands. “Point taken.”
The ground released the root all at once, and she fell back on her butt.
It wasn’t like her to break down in front of someone else, much less to cry in a man’s arms. She just felt comfortable with him, safe in a way that she rarely felt around anyone, especially men near her own age. She trusted him.
Or… she had. Then he had gone and broken that trust by disappearing on her.
The lack of communication was completely unprofessional. She was left to worry about whether or not important forms would be submitted on time, and he wasn’t there for her when she needed to talk through her fears regarding the other attorney’s maneuvering or the judge’s orders.
But that wasn’t his job, she admitted to herself reluctantly. He was her attorney, not her therapist. He was keeping up with his side of things, and he was doing that work basically for free. She was the irrational one for expecting him to show up for her in other ways.
“He doesn’t owe me anything,” she reminded herself out loud.
“When this all gets too heavy,” Emma said, “you can talk to me. Or Lani, who really knows what you’re going through.”
She nodded. “And ‘Ōlena’s always there for me. I know. Thank you.”
“That’s what community does. I could hardly believe it at first, how everyone rallied around us when we got here. But that’s the Aloha Spirit of Pualena. It’s beautiful.”
“It is. I’m so lucky to have met you all when I did. Without the job ‘Ōlena gave me and a safe place to go… I don’t know what would have happened to us. I really don’t.”
“What are you doing for dinner tonight?”
Nell winced at the thought of the communal kitchen at the shelter, which was always a mess around dinnertime as everyone tried to find a scrap of space and a free burner on the stove to prepare their own meals.
More often than not, she stayed at the park until sunset and shared a simple picnic dinner with Cassie. But apparently her little girl was going through a growth spurt, because all of their food today had disappeared between the morning snack and lunchtime.
“Come to my place,” Emma said. “Please? I don’t even know what I’m making, but we can throw something together. There’s so much food coming out of the garden right now: long beans and eggplants and basil. Half the time I just throw together a garden harvest stir fry and drizzle it with garlic honey.”
“That sounds amazing.”
“Perfect. Come have dinner with us, and I can give you a ride home after.”
Nell blinked back tears that were mostly a response to Emma’s kindness… but also grief at the thought of her room at the shelter as ‘home’. She was grateful to have a safe place to sleep, but she was also ashamed that she hadn’t come any closer to finding a place for them to live.
She would be more likely to find something if she had a car and could expand her search, but she was still a ways off from being to afford a car… and even if she did find a working car in her budget, that would eat up all of the money she had saved for first, last, and deposit.
“How do people manage?”
She didn’t realize that she had said the words aloud until Emma smiled at her and responded, “With a little help from their friends.”
16
Emma
The rasp of metal on metal grated on Emma’s nerves, but it was a necessary skill. The balmy air of the tropics was hard on… well, just about every non-living thing.
Plants grew like crazy and Emma’s skin was happier than it had ever been, but any item left out in the elements was done for. Plastic crumbled away in the tropical sunlight, and leather? Forget about it. The mold ate it right up.
Metal rusted in a blink, and keeping the edges of garden tools sharp required constant effort.
They had moved on to the hands-on portion of that week’s permaculture class, sharpening and oiling various garden tools. She ran a metal file along the curved edge of her hand scythe, gritting her teeth against the nails-on-a-chalkboard sound that it made.
She felt a warm flush of awareness a moment before she became consciously aware of Keith standing at her shoulder. She faltered for a second, then ran the file along the blade in another smooth pass. He nodded his approval.
“Looks good.” He turned back to the rest of the group, but she stood and took a step towards him.
“Keith?” It was the first time that she had used his name, the first time that she had spoken to him outside of asking and answering questions in the group setting. She hated that she was so conscious of all that, and she pushed her overblown awareness to one side.
“What’s up?” He turned back to her, giving her his full attention.
“I was wondering if my niece could join the permaculture course.”
He tilted his head to one side. “How old is she?”
“Seventeen. I know she’s missed a few classes, but she devoured my coursebooks. And she’s new to the island, but back in California she worked for my sister. Toni’s an herbalist with a background in permaculture and huge gardens, so Jun knows a lot already.”
And she’s struggling, Emma added silently. She needs something to focus on, some kind of community around her. I’m doing my best, but I’m not enough.
Keith’s expression was serious as he took in the pleading look in her eyes. Then he shrugged and nodded.
“Yes?” she confirmed.
“Of course. She’s welcome to join.”
“Thank you so much. I can pay the full fee, even though she’s starting late.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“What?”
“Like you said, she’s starting late. And you two are already sharing course materials. An extra pair of hands on work days won’t cost us anything. And it’s always good to see the next generation learning how to grow food.”
Surprise rendered her silent for a moment before she managed to say “Thank you.”
He nodded and moved on to correct a man who was whittling away the steel of his blade rather than honing it.
Emma caught herself watching him and turned away, back to her tools.
She gave the scythe one last look, decided that it was good, and moved on to sharpening her garden shears. It took effort to concentrate on the task at hand and not look up at her handsome teacher, and her distraction frustrated her.
Being attracted to someone – anyone – was a strange and disorienting experience. She had zero interest in dating; it was far too soon. And the thought of a hook-up repelled her; that just wasn’t how she was built.
So there was no chance of anything happening between her and Keith. A serious relationship and a casual fling were both off the table.
She didn’t even know if he was single.
Or if he was attracted to her.
Not that it mattered.
Emma put her head down and refocused on her work.
The attraction that she felt to her teacher made her feel like a foolish schoolgirl… but in spite of that, or maybe because of it, the feeling wasn’t entirely unwelcome.
It reminded her that she was still alive. And after the year that she’d had, she appreciated any reminder of that fact. She hadn’t lost her capacity to feel.
There was more life left to live.
And that was everything.
17
Nell
Nell went into the second exchange with a bit less trepidation than the first.
The first time that she handed her babies over to Sid in the parking lot of the community center, she had retreated to the garden and ripped grass up from the pathways to prevent herself from ripping out her own hair.
The visit had gone about as well as she could have expected.
They had come back alive, only eight excruciating minutes late. Everett’s diaper was full and Cassie was hopped up on sugar, but they were okay. Sid had pointedly refused to look at her, which was fine.
So when she prepared to hand her babies over the following Saturday, it was with stony resolve rather than abject fear. She packed a diaper bag with two bottles of milk, water for Cassie, and a variety of healthy snacks. With luck, Sid would default to those instead of spending his own money on junk that barely qualified as food.
With the bag strapped to her back and Everett in a front pack, she took Cassie’s hand and walked the mile from their place at the shelter to the community center playground. It was already warm in the morning sunlight, and Nell wondered if she should have packed more water.
“I can’t wait to see Daddy!” Cassie chirped as they walked through the steamy morning air.
“Yeah?” She kept her voice neutral even as warring emotions churned through her chest.
It was a mixed blessing, how quick small children were to forgive. One good visit was all it took. Nell was grateful that Cassie wasn’t scared, but a deeper part of her fretted that some degree of fear might have helped to keep her safe.
“We’re going to get malasadas!”
“Fun.”
So Sid was resurrecting the weekend tradition of malasadas, the local donuts that were piped full of custard and coated in sugar. It was a treat that Nell never bought for her children, for reasons of both budget and health, but she didn’t much care if Sid got them sugary treats. Once or twice a week wouldn’t hurt, not when they ate such healthy food with her. Eating junk three and a half days a week was another concern entirely… but she tried to put that out of her mind.
Even if Sid was awarded half custody, he would want the free childcare of Pualena Playschool. Chances were good that he would drop them off there, and her babies could spend the whole day with her. Knowing Sid, he would quickly decide that the drop offs and pickups were too much hassle and would quickly default to weekends, maybe even one day a week.
He didn’t have it in him to parent them, not really. He would put up a fight in court because it made him feel like a big man… and because he relished being able to exercise any sort of power over her. For reasons she would never understand, he seemed to take pleasure in her pain.
After that, though, even if he “won” and secured half custody of the kids… she could just wait it out. She would show the court that she was prepared to co-parent peacefully, and eventually he would lose interest. What else could she do?
She pulled her attention back to the present. Cassie was chattering about monkeys and tigers. Apparently Sid had promised her a trip to the zoo after malasadas.
That was fine, Nell told herself. It was like a mantra.
As long as her babies were okay, she was okay. Sid could be trusted for periods of time, especially in the middle of the day. She could handle being away from her babies as long as they were safe and happy.
It was fine.
They crossed the main road and headed for the playground. As soon as they reached the grass, Cassie dropped Nell’s hand and raced ahead to the slide.
There were already a smattering of kids playing, their families taking advantage of the warm morning sunshine before the day turned hot and the play structure was scalding.
Nell stood and watched her daughter play, happy to see her happy.
Joining ‘Ōlena’s co-op had saved their lives in more ways than one. She loved seeing how much Cassie had come out of her shell.
Instead of hanging on Nell’s skirt at the edge of the playground, she dove right in. It helped that they knew enough families now that there was nearly always a familiar face whenever they went to town.
Everett grew restless in the carrier, so she walked to a shady spot on the grass and let him out to crawl around. He headed straight for the playground, and she picked him up again before he could get trampled underfoot.
“Sorry,” she said as he protested. “You’re not quite ready for that yet.”
She carried him over to the smaller play structure and stood guard while he crawled up the steps. He busied himself with one of the built-in puzzles, and she checked the time.
Sid was five minutes late.
That was fine.
She pocketed her phone and soaked in the extra time with her babies.
Everett got sleepy after a few dozen trips down the baby slide, and Nell retreated to the shade to nurse him. When the family that Cassie had been playing with went home, she ran over and plopped down next to them. Her cheeks were pink from playing in the sun, and little beads of sweat had gathered on her forehead.
“Do you want a tangerine?” Nell asked.
“I can do it!” Cassie peeled the fruit herself, frowning in concentration. Halfway through the task, she looked up and asked, “Where’s Daddy?”
“I don’t know.”
Cassie frowned and returned her focus to the tangerine. Another group of kids showed up after she’d eaten, and she ran off to play again.
Sid didn’t show.
Nell waited the full allotted time, all four of the hours that he was supposed to have the kids. He wouldn’t be able to tell the courts that he had gone and she hadn’t been there.
She had nowhere else to be, and so she waited.
The kids worked their way through all of the snacks that she had packed; it turned into a leisurely picnic lunch in the shade.
When the sun was overhead and the playground was too hot to touch, Nell let herself into the community center and borrowed some art supplies. They took them back to the shade of the tree, and Cassie painted while Everett napped in Nell’s arms.
When two o’clock arrived, the official end time for that day’s visitation, Nell packed their things to go.
Cassie curled up into a little ball with her back to the tree and refused to budge.
“It’s time to go,” Nell said gently.
“No! He promised. We’re going to Hilo for malasadas.”
“How about we go down the street for shave ice instead?”
Cassie relaxed her limbs and let out a heavy little sigh. “Okay.”
Hand in hand, they walked down the street to Haumona Shave Ice.
A part of her was sad for her daughter, but mostly she felt like she’d been granted a reprieve. Whatever state Sid was in that had caused him to fail to show, she was grateful that he was nowhere near her or the kids.
“Aloha!” Lani’s bright voice greeted them as they approached the window. “How’s your Saturday going?”
“Where’s Rory?” Cassie asked.
“She’s at home.”
“All by herself?”
“No, she’s with Auntie Emma and Kai.”
“Oh. Why isn’t she with you?”
“It’s not so much fun to sit around here all day. Mostly she’d rather stay home.”
“I always go to work with my mom.”
“And there are so many fun things to do there! How lucky are you?”
“Pretty lucky,” Cassie said with a grin.
“Did you just stop by to say hi, or did you want some shave ice?”
“Shave ice!” she shouted.
Lani laughed. “Which flavor do you want?”
Cassie frowned in contemplation and tapped her chin with one finger. She took a step back to study the new menu that had replaced the sun-faded original. Lani must have painted this one, because each homemade syrup was accompanied by a picture of the fruit it was made from.
“Can I have orange and mango?” Cassie asked.
“Sure can!” She looked up at Nell. “Anything for you, mama?”
Nell opened her mouth to say no, she was fine. Money was tight, and every few dollars towards a home of their own – not to mention some wheels – made a difference.
Didn’t it?
Would treating herself every once in a while really make or break their budget?
“Pineapple, please. With coconut cream.”
“You’ve got it.”
When she came back to the window a minute later with two sunny bowls of shave ice, she waved away the twenty that Nell tried to pay with.
“It’s on me.”
Nell pulled back the bill but opened her mouth, feeling like she should argue.
“Please,” Lani insisted. “Rory talks about you every day after school. She absolutely adores you. Let me get this.”
“Okay,” Nell relented. “Thank you.”
“My pleasure.”
She carried the two bowls to a picnic table, holding them well away from Everett’s grasping hands. Once they were seated and he was out of his carrier, Cassie made a point of feeding her baby brother: one spoonful for herself, one for him, repeat.
Nell held him with one arm and ate with the other, savoring the sweet bite of the pineapple ice contrasted against the coconut cream.
“You know what?” she said after a while, watching Cassie carefully give Everett another baby-sized bite of mango shave ice.
“What?”
“I think you’re the best big sister in the whole world.”
“And you’re the best mom,” Cassie chirped immediately. She shoveled a big-sister size spoonful of shave ice into her mouth, oblivious to how hard her words had hit Nell.
Most nights, she lost sleep wondering which memories from these early years would stick with her daughter. Would the sun-drenched days at the beach with friends crowd out the nights of terror and broken glass? She had no way of knowing.
They had no home of their own, no car or loving grandparents or stable father.
But they had each other. And they had their community.
And that was enough.
18
Lani
Lani stood looking at the broad outer wall of the Matheson Gallery in Hilo.
The southern wall faced the parking lot, which was big enough to give cars a clear view of that side of the building as they drove down the main street.
