I’ve always worried that someday Lochlyn will realize he’s put up with too much from me, that I’ve been an ungrateful brat for the better part of my life with him, and he’ll finally shoo me away. I don’t need adding everything that I caused with Shay to be another thing he’ll toss on that ever-growing pile. Because now, according to Mom and Dad, he has to make sure I stay at Cornell. They apparently dropped that bomb on him at Christmas. It took him until recently to share that information.

  Lochlyn and Shay look at each other and have one of their silent conversations. I can see the worry on their faces, the concern that I’m spiraling and still blaming myself. They’re right, I am. I could hear the tinge of hysteria in my voice just now.

  “Chelsea. Please, listen to me.” When I don’t glance up from my lap, Lochlyn’s foot knocks into mine…hard. My eyes dart up to his, and he jerks his head toward Shay, who’s glaring at him, likely for kicking me.

  “Chelsea, we, both Lochlyn and I, forgive you and love you. The only one who hasn’t let go here is you. We don’t talk about it. We don’t think about it. It sucked for those few weeks, but they’re long gone. You need to let it go, let yourself heal. You do deserve happiness and love, to be loved.”

  My eyes start to fill at the feelings Shay knows I don’t think I deserve. The ones my parents made me think I would never have, never earn, because I didn’t have theirs. And how could I have earned the right to have it from Weston after all I did to Shay and Lochlyn? Especially my brother. For years and years.

  My mind tells me I don’t. But my heart tells me I do. So do my best friend and my brother; two big parts of my heart, of my life, of my soul. And the biggest part is the one who has been arguing that I deserve his love and devotion all along.

  “I’ll work on that, Shay. I will. It’s just hard. With everything that Mom and Dad—” I stop as I notice Lochlyn stiffening out of the corner of my eye. I’ve had a lot of talks with Shay about how they made me feel over the years, and especially lately as I start to unpack not just the long-term effects, but how they’ve affected my day to day. But I haven’t had as many with Lochlyn, though I’m sure Shay has shared with him.

  “Chelsea, listen to me carefully.” The deep commanding voice of my big brother makes me focus on him. Shay links her fingers with his, so I know that what he’s going to say is hard for him too. I’m sure she hears the damage caused from both sides. “Mom and Dad are selfish assholes. I know that they made you feel unworthy. But I promise you, that’s on them, not you. There is nothing that you did or didn’t do that caused them to be gone, that caused them to abandon us. They left me too, remember? And you’ve always called me The Golden Boy. If I was so perfect, their star and everything they always wanted, why did they leave me, too?”

  It’s a good point, one I’ve never heard him make, but from the look of it, Shay has. Lochlyn’s never really let me see the deep wounds that our parents left on him, and until recently, possibly even right this second, I’d always assumed they weren’t that bad, just more surface level. Something he was able to roll off his back. But over the past year, I’ve learned that there’s a lot more to my brother than I ever knew. Feelings and ideals he hid from me, probably because he felt he had to.

  Shay reaches out and puts her palm against Lochlyn’s cheek, turning his face to her and nodding gently. With a sigh, he drops his forehead to hers and closes his eyes. Whatever he just said, it pulled up something strong. Something he has been and still is struggling with.

  I don’t know how, I don’t know who decided to grace us, but Shay is the best part of both of our lives. We’d both be incredibly lost without her, and I’m eternally grateful that Lochlyn not only has her, but that they were able to come back from what I put them through.

  While I’ll always have Shay as my best friend, Lochlyn has her on a deeper level. Wes is the closest thing I’ve found to somebody like Shay. To my own opposite that gets me on a deep level, that brightens my days.

  I know I need to share this with him, let him know about these deeper feelings regarding Lochlyn and my parents and my abandonment. It’s messed me up more than I realize and likely more than he realizes. Maybe he’ll change his mind when it dawns on him how much. Now would be better than later. Especially since I still don’t know if he’s leaving or not.

  One thing that’s nice to know is that I’m not alone in these feelings. Lochlyn’s never voiced it, but from his show of affection toward Shay, the way she supported him just now, I know that they’re there, and likely strong and deep. He didn’t just get abandoned. He had a whole hell of a lot dropped on his shoulders too.

  And he is the Golden Boy. So, if they did leave him too, well, then it’s one of two things. Either they really didn’t care about us.

  Or I’m so terrible they left him to get away from me.

  Chapter 37

  Three days later, I finally break and have a conversation I’ve been dreading since Wes and I got together.

  “I just…I don’t understand why Lochlyn is okay with this. I ruined his life. For years and years, I gave him a hard time for everything. It was like every move he made, I lashed at him for it.”

  “But, sweetness, he gets it. He understands what you went through, are going through. He did, too.”

  “Yeah, but he stepped up. He took care of me, dealt with me, and after all that, when he finally found happiness and something for himself, I took it from him. Yeah, he has it back, but what else have I taken?”

  “Hey, Chelsea. Look at me.” Begrudgingly, I do. It’s hard to look at Weston, because I so easily get lost in those dark blue irises. But this time there’s something harsh covering them. “Everybody forgives you. Lochlyn’s my best friend. We’ve never been afraid to give each other shit or call each other out on something. We’ve talked about what happened and where things are now. He’s good with it. He harbors no ill feelings.”

  “I still just don’t see how. He’s never liked one of my boyfriends before. Has he just given up caring what I do with my life?” That would make the most sense. It’s probably why he doesn’t care what happens with me and school.

  “Oh, Chelsea. You underestimate your brother way too much.” Weston sighs heavily and drops his head, shaking it a little before lifting his eyes back to mine, a wisp of hair hanging over his forehead.

  “Most big brothers are protective of their baby sisters. But you have a much more protective brother because you don’t have a father figure around to vet the guys who you date. All you have is Lochlyn, and he takes that seriously, and takes it on willingly because he loves you and wants the best for you.”

  While I know Wes is trying to help, that doesn’t. Because it makes me feel like Lochlyn only sticks around because he feels like he has to, not because he wants to.

  “You know the reason he hasn’t liked any of your ex-boyfriends? Why he was so hard on your ex.” He says the words with such disgust I have to fight a laugh. He truly despises Brendan and even the mention of him. “Because none of them were good enough for you. Fuck, I’m not even good enough for you. I don’t deserve you. But I’m the one who comes the closest. I go to school, I have goals, I have something of a future that’s more than just living at my mom’s or a minimum wage job. And while those things alone may not be terrible, he wants more for you, Chelsea. He wants you to have everything you’ve ever wanted and knows that won’t happen without somebody who has drive and desire, like I do.”

  “So, Lochlyn basically wants me to date somebody just like him?” Because from everything Wes just described, it’s Lochlyn.

  “In a way, yes, because he works his ass off and wants to provide everything he can for Shay and the life they’ll have. He wants her to have everything she’s ever dreamed of and more. And I know he’ll do everything and anything he can to give it to her. So, he wants the same for his sister. If you can’t find somebody who’s willing to do the same, they don’t deserve you, and they’re not worth your time.”

  When I say nothing and do nothing but continue to sit here and stare at Weston with what has to be a lost look in my eyes, he sighs and pulls me into his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around me. Every single part of me relaxes into him.

  “Trust me when I tell you that Lochlyn loves you, Chelsea. He always has. The only reason he’s okay with me being the one you’re dating is because he knows me really well. Not only that, but he knows I would do everything for you. I would walk to the ends of the earth, anything at all for you. Lochlyn knows this, he trusts me to take care of you, to give you all those things, to give you a good life and future if we go that far. Because that’s how he sees life. He doesn’t look at things as a ‘now’, he looks at them as a forever.”

  If we go that far. Is that in reference to him possibly leaving? Or is it that he’s planning to break up with me? Does he think I want to break up with him?

  “Hey.” He takes my cheeks between his hands and tilts my face up to his. “I mean, if you want me. Because I want all of you, Chelsea. I’ve said, I mean it. I’m with you until you push me away. And I really hope you don’t ever do that.”

  “Really? Despite all my baggage?” Like feelings of inadequacy and abandonment and selfishness.

  “I’ll help you carry it.” The words are whispered across my lips before he intensifies the kiss, his tongue slipping to find mine.

  And I let it all go. I let myself get lost in Weston, in his kiss, in his body. And I repeat his words over and over in my mind.

  I’m with you until you push me away.

  Chapter 38

  Things with Wes have been nothing short of spectacular. I’ve completely avoided the topic of what he’s doing after graduation. I can’t talk about it. I can barely even think about it. Any time I do, tears spring to my eyes, and my whole mood deadens. The mere thought of him leaving, of him being across the country, is enough to flatten me.

  So instead, I lean into him, his presence, our love. Telling somebody you love them every day, hearing it back and feeling it in your exchanges, never gets old or boring.

  A snowstorm has blown through, and we’re bundled in the dorm with hot chocolate and movies, snuggling under extra blankets and only getting dressed to use the bathroom.

  We don’t need the extra blankets, as the dorm is plenty warm, but it’s fun to snuggle and pretend it’s frigid. It allows me to think of what life might be like if he stays, if we go the long haul.

  “Chelsea.”

  “Hm.” I’m drifting off for a nap. It’s hard not to when it’s warm and cozy and I’m more relaxed than ever.

  “I’m going to stay for grad school.” Suddenly I’m wide awake, and my heart is racing.

  “You are?”

  “Yes. I’ve thought about it, and it’s the best choice.”“I don’t want you staying just because of me.” Though I do want him to stay. I just couldn’t bear if I was the only reason.

  “I’m staying for us, Chelsea. There’s a difference. And Cornell’s program is amazing. It’s why I applied in the first place. But it makes sense for me to stay. I want to. I can’t stand the thought of being far away from you.”

  “That sounds a lot like staying for me, though.” Sure, the program might be great, but the reasons behind staying seem to revolve around me.

  “It’s about both of us. Chelsea, you affect me so much. Your presence, your laugh, your love. Being away from that would be harder than I want to think about. The programs I’ve looked at, they’re all similar in what they offer, and I’d happily settle in New York afterward. I don’t need a new state or even a new town.”

  “And you’re sure?”

  “Very.”

  I throw my arms around his shoulders and pull myself into him, squeezing tightly before bursting into tears. I hadn’t realized quite how on edge the prospect of him leaving had truly made me. The knowledge that I can let that stress go, allows me to relax and for the floodgates to open.

  “Shh, it’s okay, sweetness. I wanted to bring it up because I know you’ve been worried even though you won’t talk about it. It’s actually how I know. That’s what you do, squirrel away things that hurt you, avoid them, bury them down. But I’m going to be here to be with you.” He rocks me in his arms, running a hand down my hair.

  “I’m happy. I am. I was just worried.”

  “I know.” The fact that he knows is also pretty astounding. I haven’t had to voice my concerns. He even noted my propensity to bury things deep instead of talking about them. Another thing I haven’t voiced that I do, but he noticed.

  “Chelsea, part of the reason is that this, right here, this is everything. Days like today. And while we’d have them if I was gone, it’d be rushed. We wouldn’t get to enjoy it because of the Sunday Effect.”

  “The what?”

  “The Sunday Effect. Where you feel like everything is about to end, that the weekend is almost over, and you need to do everything you wanted before it ends. I don’t want that for us. Not if it’s avoidable.”

  I know that feeling all too well, and I wonder if I maybe had it a little bit in the last few weeks since I had found out about Stanford. That there was an end in sight, because he may leave.

  It must be why there’s a sudden lightness in my chest. An ease in my body that hasn’t existed in weeks, possibly months.

  I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, for something to go terribly wrong. But right now, it seems as though it’s the opposite.

  And it’s a nice feeling.

  Chapter 39

  Waiting for Wes has me incredibly impatient. His class hasn’t even ended yet, and I’m already in my lingerie, awaiting his arrival. If his class ends on time, he should be here within ten minutes of being released.

  That’s also if he doesn’t stop to chat on his way, which he’s been known to do.

  My excitement had me changing way before I needed to. It’s one of the few Fridays that Wes and I get at the apartment. I’ve happily given most of the weekends to Shay and Loch. I like the hustle and bustle of the dorm and not having to cook, while they prefer the quiet, and Loch’s a wizard in the kitchen.

  But every now and then, we switch. Wes and I come here while Shay and Loch hole up in the dorm for the weekend.

  The clunk of the lock has me jumping off the bed, fluffing my hair, and running into the hallway.

  “Hey, baby! You’re back early. I have a surprise for yo—” I quickly shut up, my mouth hanging open, when standing in the living room, I find Shay, and not Weston.

  Her eyes widen as she quickly takes me in, wearing a matching hot pink push-up bra and thong, before she covers her eyes and turns away, her face almost the same color as my lingerie.

  “Oh my God, I’m so sorry.”

  Quickly, I snag a throw blanket off the couch and cover myself. “What are you doing here, Shay? It’s supposed to be my weekend here.” I see she's still turned away and say, “I’m decent.”

  She turns around slowly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d be here. Today’s one of the days that I wait for Lochlyn at the library, but I forgot my notebook here, and I have to study for a test. I came back quickly to get it.”

  My eyes narrow at her as something clicks in my mind. “How’d you get in? The door was locked.”

  “Lochlyn gave me his key. I told him before that I forgot it, and he suggested I swing back.”

  “You walked?” It’s not a far walk, but I doubt she’d have time to come here and get back before he was done.

  “I drove.”

  “Wait a second.” I hold a hand toward her because I’m just utterly floored. “Lochlyn let you drive his car?”

  “Yes.” She seems so nonchalant about the whole ordeal.

  “Wow. I mean, I know he loves you and all, but wow.”

  “So, um, I’m going to just grab my notebook and be on my way.” She lowers herself a bit and points to the table behind me, which contains nothing but her spiral book.

  She scoots around me and grabs her book, muttering a thanks as she brushes by me. And on her way out, Weston catches the door before it shuts, looking after her with his brows drawn together in confusion.

  “Shay okay? She barely acknowledged me when I said hey. Did something happen between her and—” He stops talking when he sees me wrapped in the blanket, one eyebrow reaching up to his hairline. “Um, you cold?”

  “No.”

  “Then what’s going on here?”

  “Close the door, and I’ll show you.”

  As though he forgot he was holding it, he steps to the side, and it slowly shuts. Without taking his eyes off me, he reaches behind him and flips the lock.

  That’s when I drop the blanket, the gray fleece pooling at my feet.

  Weston’s backpack hits the floor just as fast, and his eyes bulge. “Fuck, baby. You get all dressed up for me?”

  His signature cocky grin pulls the left side of his mouth a little higher than the right. It’s not something most people notice. But I have, since the first day I met him.

  “Maybe.”

  He crosses the room in three large strides, wrapping an arm around my waist and tugging me against him as the knuckles on his other hand trail down my cheek to my neck. “Maybe my ass.”

  When he closes his mouth over mine, I wrap my arms around his neck and jump up, looping my legs around his waist and locking my ankles. His hands slide to my ass, giving a squeeze as his tongue slips through my lips.

  Every time Weston kisses me, I lose all sense of time, of location, of everything but his mouth moving against mine. That’s why I don’t realize we’ve crossed the apartment to his room until he lowers me, closing the door and turning us around so he can press me up against it, one hand on my hip while the other wraps around my throat.

  His chest vibrates against mine with a low hum as he takes me in, his gaze tracking from head to toe and his bottom lip planted firmly between his teeth. My heart races in anticipation, my body thrumming with a need that always exists when he’s this close to me.

 

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26