I’d like to argue that I know her better than he does, but I’m not sure that’s true anymore, a fact that’s been hard to accept. Plus, I know it won’t help my case.

  “She’s kind, she’s smart, she loves to read, which I find incredibly attractive. She’s honest, most of the time. The only lie I think she’s ever told revolved around us keeping our relationship a secret. She took a whole year off from her dream to help her mom. Not to mention, all the time she put in with her dad while also going to school.

  “She has good taste in music, which I know you’ll disagree with, but you asked why I love her, not you. Her sense of humor may be beyond you, but I appreciate it.” He looks at me for a long, hard minute. “Shall I continue? Because I can.”

  The wetness that threatens to fall from my eyes is betraying me. I wanted a wall, a strong one. I can’t help but notice he didn’t mention her looks. Still though, this is Lochlyn. He’s a good liar. I turn to Wes. For some reason, I value his opinion. What if Lochlyn’s just saying what he thinks I want to hear? I mean, any girl would want the guy she’s interested in to speak so highly of her. I know I do.

  “Wes? What are your thoughts?”

  His brows shoot up. I don’t think he was expecting me to ask his input. “Oh, uh, I’m not sure it’s my place.”

  “No, go ahead, Wes. You’ve been here with me for weeks, and you were with me last year.” Lochlyn leans back into the couch, crossing one ankle over the opposite knee.

  “All I’ll say is a reiteration of what I said earlier. He hasn’t been with or talked about any other girl since before last year. And I know of at least one that would show up in seconds if he asked. He’s always spoken very highly of Shay. It was clear he had strong feelings for her well before they got together.”

  I nod, linking my fingers in my lap while I digest. Is Lochlyn being honest? Or is he missing her body? I know not believing him makes me come across as a bad person. But Lochlyn hasn’t had a girlfriend in years. I don’t want him to break Shay’s heart. Though, I’ve already done that by making her choose between us, by her choosing me in the end.

  If I bring him back and he ends up breaking her heart again, I’ll be there to pick up the pieces.

  “Okay. Lochlyn, get your keys. Let’s go.”

  “Where?”

  “To Shay.”

  His eyes widen, and he’s on his feet in seconds, at the door before I’ve even stood up. “Let’s go.”

  “Wes, thanks for your insight and help. I really appreciate it,” I say before walking toward Lochlyn.

  “Any time. It was good to see you again, Chelsea.” I’m sure he’s just being nice, but my heart flutters all the same.

  We’re silent on the drive over. Lochlyn knows where to go, since I shared our dorm information with him when we got it at the beginning of the summer.

  When Shay answers the door, my heart falters and my breath catches. Her eyes are red rimmed and puffy. She’s pulling at the sleeves of her shirt. She can’t see me yet, but I can clearly see her. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Lochlyn’s entire body tense at the sight of her. It’s almost like he’s trying to stop himself from going to her, in addition to what I’m sure is pain, seeing her like this.

  “Hey, Shay.” His voice is low and tight, and I know it’s killing him to not be holding her.

  “What…what are you doing here?” Her voice holds nothing but astonishment.

  “I told him to come.” I step out from the side of the doorframe. “I left to walk a little, to think about what I’d done, about why it bothered me for the two of you to be together. I had some things I needed to clear up first. You were right, Shay. I was wrong, I was so wrong.”

  I pause, taking a hard swallow. Guilt has wrapped itself tightly around my chest and throat, squeezing more and more with each second. “I talked to Weston.”

  “Wait, you talked to Weston?” she interrupts, her brows high on her face.

  “Shh.” I need her to let me finish before I fall apart as remorse tries to break me down.

  “I talked to Weston. And he told me that Lochlyn didn’t have a single girl at his place last year and was in his room every single night. That the only girl he saw with Loch or heard him even talk about…was you. So, I waited for Loch to get back from class, and I talked to him.”

  She looks at Lochlyn, really, truly looks at him, for maybe the first time since she opened the door. I can see her body almost vibrating. How could I have been so blind to see what they have between them? I’m a horrible friend and sister. I don’t deserve either one of them. This is what I needed to do to make it right.

  Taking a deep breath, I’m ready to continue. “I asked him how he feels about you. And he told me he loves you. Plain and simple, not a second of hesitation. I’ve never, ever, heard him say he loves anyone or anything, except that damn car.”

  His brow furrows as he looks down at me. “Hey, it’s a good car, don’t kno—” Is he serious right now? I cut him off with a glare. “You’re right, sorry, continue.”

  “So, after hearing that, I was surprised. I wasn’t expecting him to say that.” I heave a heavy sigh and look at the ceiling, trying to will the tears to go back before they escape. “I’m not super proud to admit this, but I honestly just thought he was saying that because he liked fucking you. I thought for sure he was here, living it up. When Weston repeated that he wasn’t, I figured he just really likes it with you. So, I asked why he loves you.”

  The tears I’d been trying to keep inside begin to well in my eyes. “Shay, the things he said…I’d kill for a guy to say them about me. We’ve all known each other a long time. I never really thought he was paying much attention. I was wrong. And it’s clear you’ve learned a lot about each other over the years and the time you’ve had together.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, to both of you. I realized that the reason I’ve always been so against you two was two-fold and selfish. First, I was afraid I wouldn’t be important to either of you anymore. And I was afraid I’d lose you if you two broke up. That it’d be too hard for you to be near me after. There’s the slightest chance I have some abandonment issues.” To say the least. That’s what happens when your parents ditch you for fun and sun as a teenager. “But I gave you an unfair choice, and you chose me. You gave up love for me. And while you haven’t exactly been pleasant since then, you’ve been here.

  “I guess this is my long-winded way of saying that I give you my blessing or whatever. I’m okay if you two are together. It’s going to be super weird knowing that you’re sleeping together, so we for sure will need a system so I don’t walk in on anything again, but I want you two to be happy. You’re my two favorite people in the world, and I’m honestly glad you found happiness in each other.”

  I really hope I mean what I’m saying. I want to, I really do. But some part of me inside is still really uneasy and squirmy. I’ve never known Lochlyn to be a one-woman man. It’s clear there are parts of him and truths to him I’ve never seen, maybe even if only because I didn’t want to or wasn’t willing to.

  The second I stop talking, Shay falls into Lochlyn, like the block that had been there is finally removed and nothing is stopping her. He folds his arms around her as he kisses the top of her head. Her tears start flowing again, the tears that make my heart ache every time, knowing I caused them. I bite my cheek to keep mine at bay. Cupping her chin with his hands Lochlyn brushes the tears away with his thumbs, leaning down to kiss her.

  I can’t suppress the smile on my face, as I wipe a tear from my own cheek. They fit together. I don’t know how I didn’t see it.

  “I missed you. So much.” It comes out just above a whisper, but I hear Shay’s words.

  Lochlyn rests his forehead against hers, hands on her cheeks. “You have no idea, baby, no idea.” His lips are against hers again. I slowly start to back away. I’m not sure where I’ll go, but it’s clear they need their time alone.

  It’s the very least I can do to give it to them.

  Chapter 8

  Once I’m out of the dorm, I have to block my eyes against the harsh light. I don’t know where to spend my time, so I just start walking. I end up in the center of campus.

  I’m looking all around at how utterly beautiful Cornell is with all of the leaves slowly starting to change when I bump into something hard and warm. “Oops, I’m so sorry!”

  Glancing up, I’m met with cobalt eyes.

  “Weston? How are you…I just saw you, like, a half hour ago at your apartment.”

  “Yeah, I figured I’d make myself scarce in case Lochlyn decided to bring Shay back.”

  “They’re at the dorm, so you’re probably good to return.” I certainly can’t say the same for me. I’ll need to kill time for at least forty-five minutes. That seems fair.

  He lifts one shoulder and one side of his mouth. “Nah, that’s okay. I have class in an hour anyway. And I decided to pack a bag, so I’ll spend the night at Claire’s, stay away for a while so they can reconcile on their terms.”

  A chill runs through me at the mention of Claire’s name. One that I have no right to feel. “Claire? Your girlfriend, right?” He had said that last year she had been on and off again. Maybe she’s old news?

  “Uh, sure. She’s my something, at least. Not sure girlfriend quite fits the bill.”

  Silence takes over, and I shift on my feet, not sure what to say. Especially knowing what the something likely means. Friends with benefits. It’s not my place to feel anything about Weston being promiscuous, and I’m not sure how I’d feel if I knew he was thinking anything about my sexual history. But it makes my stomach freeze over.

  “I won’t keep you, but I just want to say I’m happy you gave Lochlyn a chance, that you heard him out. I know it means a lot to him, and I hope they’re in a good place. It clearly is something you were adamant about, and while it may be uncomfortable for you, I’m glad you’re trying to fix things.”

  His words shouldn’t have the effect on me that they do, but I find myself standing a little taller, a little prouder. “Thanks, Wes. I know I have a lot to make up for, and I hope that they can find their way back to each other and then find a way to forgive me, because I definitely don’t deserve it.”

  “I don’t know that I’d go that far. They did lie to you.” He has a point there. But they never should have had to.

  “They did, and it’s not something I have forgotten or will likely easily forget because it does hurt. But it never should have been an issue or choice they had to make. I shouldn’t have been so closed-minded about the situation. I have some of my own issues that came into play and took over, which made it hard for me to see things more clearly.”

  “From what I know of your parents, that makes sense.”

  Wait, did I hear him right? Is there actually somebody who understands what it’s like besides Shay and Lochlyn? Not sure what to say to that, I let the noise of people bustling around us to fill the void.

  But Wes doesn’t let it linger long. “Hey, I was on my way to grab a coffee. Want to join me? I was up way too late playing video games last night. Need that mid-afternoon boost.”

  “Uh, sure.” I’ll join him, but I’m buying my own coffee. Shay’s mom gave me a little extra before I left, and my parents have restarted minimal deposits now that I’m enrolled. I save everything I can for situations such as this. Coffee, shopping, nails, all the things I have to sacrifice for and ration.

  Wes holds the door for me, and he’s tall enough that I can walk under his arm. I’ve never really paid much mind to his height, but it certainly is nice.

  “Can I have a medium iced caramel macchiato please?” I order and pay before Wes has a chance to offer.

  “I would have paid for that, ya know.” There’s a touch of irritation in his tone. I know most men prefer to pay. But this isn’t a date.

  “That’s okay. I need to do it here and there. It’s a good habit for me, especially with money being a bit tighter than normal.”

  I don’t really know what else to say to him. Something about his presence makes me feel nervous, something I don’t feel around guys. He was able to bring me comfort when I was here for the concert in the spring, but some of it was just being utterly captivated by him. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t know what to say, but I was too stunned to say anything at all.

  “Alright, well, see ya around, Chels.”

  “Yeah, see ya. Thanks for your input today, I really appreciate it.” And it helped me make my decision. If not for Wes, I’m not sure I would have brought Lochlyn back to see Shay, and things would still be a mess.

  “You’re welcome. Your brother is a good guy, Chelsea. And he really loves Shay…a lot.”

  “I can see that now. I just wish I had allowed space to see it sooner.”

  With a small wave, he leaves me alone in the cafe. I was practically mute.

  He must think I’m an idiot.

  When I get back to the dorm, I take a breath and lean my head closer to the door, trying to listen for any sounds of something I may not want to see. I don’t hear any, so I open the door, but loudly say, “Hello! I’m coming in, I don’t want to see anybody nake—”

  But Lochlyn shushing me is louder than my voice. It’s not until I’m fully in the room that I see Lochlyn leaning in the corner of Shay’s bed, the wall, and her desk with some pillows propped behind him. Shay’s curled up on his chest, and his arms are around her, one hand planted in her back pocket.

  She looks so peaceful. Far more comfortable than she’s seemed in weeks.

  “Shit, sorry.” I keep my voice just above a whisper so Lochlyn can hear me. “It’s been almost two hours. Has she been asleep the whole time?” I ended up grabbing a magazine at the cafe and flipping through for a while, then Marissa, a girl from down the hall, saw me and stopped to chat for a while. She seems nice. I may hang out with her again.

  “Pretty much.”

  “She hasn’t been sleeping well,” I murmur, because I don’t want Lochlyn to hear it, but know he will.

  “I hope it was worth it.” His voice is quiet but dripping with anger.

  “So, you really just sat here for almost two hours? Like that?”

  “Yes, Chelsea, I really just sat here for two hours. Do you know why? Because it’s what she needs right now. It’s what I need.”

  “Were you really willing to give me up for her? I’m your sister.” Maybe that doesn’t mean what I think it should or what I’ve always thought it does. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything besides sharing some DNA. It certainly doesn’t seem important to my parents, and they’re the people who gave me life, so why would it matter to Lochlyn?

  “I was. You would, too. She’s worth it, and you know it.”

  “You guys didn’t, like, get a quickie in or something first?” It’s definitely what I would have done if the situation was reversed. But Shay isn’t like me, and while Lochlyn doesn’t seem to be the manwhore I thought he was, I wouldn’t put it past him to try.

  “Christ, Chelsea, what the hell kind of question is that? No, we didn’t. We came in, laid down, and she fell asleep.” He touches his chin to his chest so he can look at her. And the way he does is like an angel sent from heaven is asleep on his chest.

  “It really is more than just sex. Ew, sorry, that’s weird for me to think about.”

  “I don’t care. And yes, it is. Much more.” Hm. Much more. I wonder what he means by that. Obviously he loves her, but is that much more? I honestly wouldn’t know, because I’m fairly certain I’ve never really been in love before.

  “It’s just…it’s weird, seeing you guys like that. Like you can just touch her anywhere.” My gaze zeroes in on the hand in Shay’s back pocket. It seems like a bit much, and it’s a lot for my mind to go through. In less than a year, I’ve learned that my best friend has gone from not kissing a boy to losing her virginity and clearly having a lot of sex. With my brother. Who I’m just figuring out isn’t who I thought he was.

  It’s enough to make anybody’s head spin.

  “Okay, Chelsea, I’m going to say this one more time. Are you listening? I. Don’t. Care. I don’t care if it’s uncomfortable or weird for you. And I’m going to make damn sure she doesn’t either. And I can touch her anywhere because she’s given me that permission.”

  “So, you love her? Like really love her?” He’s said it, he’s showing it right now, but part of me needs to be sure.

  “Fuck. Chelsea. Did you even listen when we talked? You spat it all back at her, but did you listen? Did you absorb any of it?” The exasperated tone in his voice tells me he’s trying to keep his cool with me. It’s something I’ve become quite accustomed to with him.

  “I don’t know, I guess, maybe I just thought you were saying what you thought you needed to. To convince me so I said it was okay or something. And honestly, I was just tired of seeing her so upset.” A million thoughts have crossed my mind about all of this. And that one has stuck, because it’s the only one that makes sense with what I’ve known to be true for years.

  Lochlyn’s chest rises and falls steeply. He’s trying to keep himself calm, likely for Shay’s sake.

  “Do you understand what you did? You hurt two of the people you say you love most in the world. For what? Because we fell in love with each other? I’m sorry that we did it under your nose. I’m sorry that we kept it a secret. I can see how that would hurt you, but it never should have been an issue to begin with. We shouldn’t need your permission.” Everything he said is completely true. And it’s something I’m dealing with, which he doesn’t know and couldn’t know. Because he stopped talking to me.

  “I already said I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah, well, maybe that’s just not good enough.”

  “Loch, how long are you going to be mad at me?” My voice sounds small and meek, even to me. I can handle him being mad, I just can’t handle it long term. I can’t lose my brother.

 

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