Chasing endless summer, p.16
Chasing Endless Summer, page 16
Parker was right about him. I could see why. Although Daddy was more handsome, they did look alike. Boston had a similar build and was almost the same height. Like Daddy, he had very good posture, what I called proud shoulders. Looking at him from behind, someone might easily mistake him for Daddy. He had hazel eyes and a firm chin. His nose was a little long and narrower, but he had my father’s straight full lips, and he had the Hawaiian tan I had been expecting to see.
He wore a turquoise tight T-shirt, blue shorts, and black sandals. He had a narrow waist and a swimmer’s flat, muscular stomach. He had bigger hands than Daddy, but I imagined their size helped his swimming. When he moved slightly, I could see muscles flex in his chest. His shirt was almost another layer of skin.
“Anyway, if you need something else serious or important, don’t waste your time asking Dina. She makes absentminded look like an understatement. Check under your bed. She might have kicked some dirty panties down there.”
“Ha ha. Beans, beans, the more you eat, the more you toot,” Dina recited.
“Keep it up, and I’ll tell Parker about some smoke I saw and what I smelled coming from behind a boulder two nights ago before I arrived to pick you up. Your friends are very loyal. The seashells. They practically aimed flashlights at where you and Noa were curled up.”
“If you do tell Parker…”
“I’m going to shower and get ready for dinner. Parker’s making luau stew with chicken, one of Morgan’s favorites,” he added, mostly for me. “We’re eating outside. You might want to help set the table,” he said, this time mostly to Dina.
“I have to help her get unpacked and organized.”
“I think she’s capable of doing that herself and doing it right,” he said. He stood there staring hard at her. “Parker will expect your help, enthusiastic help. If you’re lazy tonight especially, Morgan might want to make an example of you and confine you to the house for a week. You’d be setting a bad example for Caroline, and you know how Morgan feels about anything that might reflect on him, his parenting. He might put you under house arrest for two weeks.”
“House arrest?” I asked. What would he call what had been done to me?
“Yeah. He’s done that to her a few times lately,” he said. “Dina?”
“Okay, okay.” She stood reluctantly and pouted for a moment. “You have to wait almost a full two minutes to get hot water in the shower,” she told me.
“No wonder you take one only once a month,” Parker joked, or I think he joked.
She growled and charged past him off the lanai. He watched her go and then smiled at me.
“She’s not as bad as I make her out to be,” he said. “But close,” he added. “She’s what both Parker and Morgan call a ‘work in progress.’ ”
Aren’t we all? I thought, especially recalling how my father saw people our age.
Boston smiled. “Looking forward to getting to know you and help you feel at home,” he said, and gave me a bright, warm smile before he left.
That did sound encouraging. I could certainly use a big brother looking after me. It helped me be hopeful for a few moments, but then an overriding sense of sadness washed over me. Every time I was satisfied with something, I felt I was betraying my mother.
Instead of getting up and completing my move-in, I sat there looking out toward the ocean. It was beautiful here and quite different from where I grew up, even when we lived what seemed to be eternal spring. Neighbors were closer. Sometimes I could hear laughter and voices float across the street. It wasn’t a busy street, but there was traffic.
I felt like I had passed through a tunnel that took me from being trapped in Grandfather’s mansion to here. Sutherland was so far away. Everything felt very far away, even early memories. It was as if they fell behind the jet that brought me. My body finally sank with travel fatigue. I certainly didn’t want to look exhausted and half asleep when my father saw me. He might take it the wrong way, assuming I was too sad to ever want to be here with him.
I should probably take a shower and wake up before I did anything else, I thought. I wondered what in my new wardrobe I should wear for dinner. I didn’t want to overdress, wear something expensive and cause Dina to feel bad about what she wore. Would she change her clothes and blame me for something immediately? Having someone who was expecting me to treat her like a sister and my anticipating the same thing seemed more frightening than exciting. Would I really have a sister? I often wondered what it was that kept my parents from ever trying to add a son or another daughter to our early family world. Was it all because of my mother?
And then suddenly, as if it was one of the cartoon light bulbs over a character, I realized reuniting with my father could create a new crisis. My “new” sister might very well become jealous if he showed favoritism. Sibling rivalry, I thought. I remembered feeling it when Mommy first revealed to me that Daddy had found a new wife and family that included a daughter about my age. If I felt like that without even seeing her or knowing her name, what would she feel with me sharing her room and her privacy and especially her mother’s and my father’s attention? Would everything I wanted and everything I said be more important than what she wanted and said? What if I was better behaved or more responsible than she was because that’s who I really was? Would that cause her to hate me? Which way should I go? Who should I be, one girl for Daddy and another for her?
On the other hand, maybe she wouldn’t care who I was. Maybe she never felt like my father’s new daughter. Both she and Boston were calling him Morgan, and not Dad or Daddy. But then again, they weren’t calling their mother Mother or Mommy, either. They were calling her by her name, Parker. I sensed Parker’s respect for Boston and how proud of him both she and my father were, but it was all sounding so formal and not sounding like family, at least from what I knew once to be family, even the Robot Family, which was what Mommy, Daddy, and I were once called in Colonie because of how perfectly we all were always dressed and how consistently we followed events in our everyday lives. Mommy blamed it on Daddy’s perfection, but I think she filled her life with the same daily and seasonal chores to keep from being unhappy.
“Busy people don’t have that much time to think, especially about themselves,” she had once said.
At least in those early days, we looked and behaved like the faultless family, the family that seemed natural pictured on a Christmas card. I couldn’t yet imagine this family on anything more than a travel brochure, a family that had been put together by an advertising firm. Maybe I would change it. Maybe that was something I would be bringing to this house: a real sense of belonging to each other, caring for each other. I was so needy that they would suddenly realize that they were, too. My smiles would become contagious, and everyone would soften.
Could I do that without Mommy? Was it arrogant of me, even stupid, to think so?
Perhaps I had simply traded the cold, dark, and proper world of Sutherland for a smaller, much smaller, version disguised in the world of beautiful flowers, turquoise water, and glistening beaches.
My home would always be in my heart, and I would never stop singing and hearing “Sweet Caroline.” There was no way to disguise it, hide it, especially from my father. Deep in my stomach the realization twirled. Dina had nothing to fear. My father’s love for me would forever be on a leash. There would be no sibling rivalry, not where my mother’s Captain Bryer was concerned.
Nevertheless, I went to my suitcase and carefully took out the model airplane. He might still be blinded by some anger and lingering wounded pride when he looked at me, but that wouldn’t be there when he looked at this, I hoped, and I placed it prominently on the table beside my bed. It was in a holding pattern, waiting for the decision to land or remain circling. That woman on the plane looking out the window wasn’t Nattie after all. That was me.
Dina was right about the hot water in the shower. It took a little more than two and a half minutes at least, but it did revive me. I put my things in the drawers and hung up the remaining clothes. I left the suitcases in the closet, as Boston had instructed. In the end, I chose a solid cream-colored blouse and a blue skirt because I thought they were the least attention-grabbing. I put on socks and a pair of new dark blue loafers. Then I brushed my hair, listening for any indication that my father had arrived. I could hear that Parker had made Dina clean up the patio and the area around the pool as well as wash down some furniture. She was complaining loudly.
When she came back to the room, she paused and stared at me. I was just finished fixing my hair.
“You’re not going to be a virgin long,” she said.
“What?”
“Just kidding, but now I have to shower and change and look normal. Which I hate. Why does anyone want to be just like everyone else?”
She began pulling off her smock in a feigned rage.
“Oh, the sacrifices we make to please our parents. Pray that I have strength,” she added dramatically, pressing her hands together and looking up at the ceiling.
She was funny. I think I like her, I thought, and started to laugh but stopped instantly when I heard his voice. He had just entered. She had heard him, too.
“Well, don’t just stand there like a boob brain. Go meet your father,” she said.
I started out, hoping I didn’t look as fearful as I felt.
“Wait a minute,” she called when I started through the door. “What is that? A model plane? You want to be a pilot or some-thing?”
“It’s a present from my father. When I was little,” I added.
“Why don’t you put up a picture of your mother? I’d like to see what she looked like. For sure, Morgan doesn’t have one.”
I didn’t want to admit that I didn’t have one, that they were all in a basement in the mansion.
“I don’t think it would please my father right now.”
“So?” She shrugged. “Don’t put it up, but show it to me.”
“I didn’t bring any,” I said.
“So you’re mad at her, too?”
“No. I mean… I don’t want to talk about that.”
“Oh, I suppose you will… eventually. So this is what Morgan gave you when you were little? A plane? No dolls?”
“It was really my mother who gave me those things.”
“Interesting. Well, I can tell you that the only thing Morgan likes to give me is advice.”
I could hear Boston talking to him, but their voices were just a little too low to make out every word, and I thought they had gone out on the back patio.
“He was never short of that with me, either,” I said.
She smiled. “I think my friends are going to like you. Well, mostly anyway, to please me.”
“Then I’ll like them. Mostly to please you,” I said, then took a breath and walked out and down the stairs with the sound of her giggling behind me.
Maybe we would get along really well. Maybe I would have a sister. Hope was always a dangerous thing. It was like standing on the edge of a cliff.
I paused on the stairway, realizing that the last time I had heard my father’s voice was when he was in a rage and had just punched a hole in the wall. He never called me after he ran out, and as far as my mother told me, he didn’t ask about me. I had the feeling that whatever he did say wasn’t something she wanted me to hear.
“Angry people say things that they didn’t even know they would think,” she confirmed when I asked a short time after she had met with lawyers.
What I had wished she wouldn’t do was leave it up to my imagination. I knew what he believed about me because of the way I avoided meeting his eyes after he asked his questions about Mommy and Nattie before he left us. I couldn’t help it. I could feel his suspicions not only about them but about me. There were lines being drawn separating my mother’s side and his side. I didn’t step across them the way he had wanted me to step.
I knew he was hoping I would be as angry and as disappointed as he was. He wanted me to dislike Nattie, but I couldn’t even pretend to. Maybe if I could have, I wouldn’t have suffered as much in the dark room at Sutherland. Ironically, the only way to escape was to do just that, however, to pretend I was angry and disappointed. Now that I was here, would Daddy see through it as quickly as he always could? He often said that avoiding the truth always led to pain and disaster. Even lying to protect someone you love would eventually bite you like a snake.
Was that what he still thought? Had I been bitten by a snake? Or had one whispered in my ear like one did to Eve in the Garden of Eden? Daddy wasn’t religious, but that didn’t mean he didn’t believe in sins. Like Grandfather Sutherland, he saw them in any violation of what he said or held as his own Ten Commandments.
I couldn’t stop trembling as I continued down the stairs. Everyone was outside on the patio. I could see my father standing there, talking to Boston, who was fishing something out of the pool with a net. Daddy was dressed as I always remembered him, in a starched, clean short-sleeved white shirt, a black tie, and black slacks, with comfortable black leather loafers, polished and shiny. His cuffed pants had sharp creases.
For a moment, in fact, it felt as if no time had passed. I had awoken from a nightmare in some other place. Daddy would turn, see me, and say, Where have you been? Where’s your mother? It’s time for dinner.
But, of course, that palpable wish burst like a balloon being filled with too much dream breath, puffs of hope and denial. I was here, shocked back to reality. Parker turned to me first. I watched every move of my father, anticipating his reluctance, almost hearing him think, Well, it’s time. I have to look at her.
“Well then,” he said when he looked at me, “looks like you grew a little.”
“Hi, Daddy.”
Was there anything telegraphing his desire to hug and kiss me? If there was, I didn’t see it. I waited.
“Settling in pretty nicely, then, huh?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Well, what do you think of Hawaii?” he asked.
“I don’t know. I’ve hardly seen it, but it’s beautiful here.”
He finally smiled and looked at Parker. They seemed to exchange the same thought.
“Exactly what you would have said,” she told him.
He nodded.
I felt as if I had just passed the first test. How many would there be before he opened his arms to hug me and opened his heart to welcome me back?
For a moment I imagined my mother standing behind him, smiling at me to give me courage. But that vision was gone as quickly as it had come.
And I wondered.
Did I really want him to welcome me back?
CHAPTER TEN
At dinner, Dina asked me mostly questions about my time at Sutherland after Mommy’s death. Of course, she had no idea that I had spent most of it locked away.
“Morgan says our house isn’t even a tenth of the size.”
I glanced at Daddy, wondering how much he had described. Did he mention the golf course, the tennis court, and the ballroom? He said nothing.
“Yes, it’s big,” I said. “It’s an old mansion,” I added, trying not to sound like I had been living in a famous castle.
She said she had heard of it when they lived in Albany. “It’s like some historical site or something. Sounds like you were living in a museum. Probably a lot of ‘don’t touch this, don’t touch that.’ ”
“Maybe if you lived there,” Boston said.
She ignored him. She was more interested in my homeschooling than Sutherland anyway. Every time I answered a question, I first looked at Daddy. He kept his eyes on his food but clearly was listening closely. It made me extra careful about every word I used when I described the study, the library, and the textbooks. I wondered if Dina could see how cautious I was being. If she sensed it, I had no doubt it would make her even more curious, and curiosity would only lead to the truths I was supposed to leave buried behind me.
“It wasn’t much different from going to a school. I was given the same textbooks, reading assignments, workbooks, but probably more homework than ordinary. Some weeks my teacher was there six days.”
“Six days! Why?”
I shrugged, trying to appear casual about it. “Everyone wanted to be sure I didn’t fall behind.”
“Well, I guess your grandfather paid a lot to have a professor be your homeschool teacher. Some of mine look like they were just in high school last week. And besides, how can one teacher know every subject? She’d have to be some kind of genius.”
“I don’t know how much she was paid. I know my grandfather was satisfied with my exam scores.”
“Yeah, but being at home all the time, you couldn’t make new friends. Why didn’t he just send you to another school, maybe one where they didn’t know anything much about your mother?”
“Dina,” Parker said sharply.
She looked fearfully at Daddy. He lifted his eyes slowly and glared at her. I imagined a thin layer of ice over his pupils.
“I’m just interested,” Dina whined. “She can ask me anything, so why can’t I ask her anything?”
“She can ask you anything?” Boston said. His ears were jerked back. “Even I wouldn’t do that. Might ruin my appetite or something if you answered.”
“Ha ha. She doesn’t have to ask anything about you. The most exciting thing you do is brush your teeth.”
“Dina,” Daddy muttered again, this time without looking at her. “We’ve been through this clearly.”
Dina bit down on her lower lip as if the words were overflowing and concentrated on her food.
Now the silence was so thick that I could hear the hum of a motor in something in the kitchen. Maybe this was like putting seashells over your ears, I thought. Parker was staring ahead as she ate, looking like she was imagining she was somewhere else. I hadn’t been here long, but already it felt like I was someplace where no one really knew anyone. You stayed within your own space, terrified your arm might graze that of someone next to you.
“Dina wants me to take her and Caroline to a beach party tomorrow night,” Boston told my father.
