Chasing endless summer, p.23
Chasing Endless Summer, page 23
She turned to look at me. For a second, I thought she might say something sympathetic, but whatever warmth I imagined was gone quickly.
“Dina is a mess. I accept that. We both know we have a lot of work to do, but you have more opportunity than most girls your age. The first step to maturity is accepting responsibility for your own actions. So I don’t want to hear about how they snuck it on you or anything. Peer pressure is the most influential. A truly independent-minded person your age is as rare as a pimple on a whale’s nose. We thought—I thought—that with all the specialized training and instruction you had, you might have been more independent-minded. Why, we even thought you’d be the stronger influence, maybe help Dina get her act together.
“If you leave here with anything, it should be the knowledge that you are your own best friend. Trust should be one of the last things you give to anyone, to anything. I know your father did his best to have you understand that, but you were under other influences.”
I looked out the window.
And without knowing why, I began to hum “Sweet Caroline.”
She spun around as I got louder. “Stop that!” she said.
I smiled. “I’ll never stop that,” I said.
“That letter you wrote was all lies.”
“Not mine. I don’t lie. Daddy knows that.”
She moaned and looked ahead again.
Daddy had yet to speak. Where was he? I wondered. He was staring ahead as if he was watching a radar screen. He could foresee accidents; could he foresee my future? More importantly, did he care? I was in a car moving over a scenic highway. The sun was bright, creating dazzling light over the blue sea, but I felt the same as I had felt locked in that dark, empty bedroom back in Sutherland. Loneliness was an unwelcome companion who simply wouldn’t let go of my hand.
“I warned you something like this could happen,” Parker told Daddy. “It was just too soon.”
He looked at her and nodded slightly. “We’ll turn it off and on,” he said, as if my life was on a computer. “Look for a fresh start again.”
“How many times have we done that with Dina? It hasn’t made much difference,” she said, and then he said the most promising thing since I was taken to the hospital.
“She’s not Dina. There’s that.”
“Oomph,” Parker muttered. “Sometimes I think that God rains children down on you for revenge.”
What a terrible thing to say, I thought, and tried to tighten my arms around myself and squeeze into the corner of the seat. Maybe Dina was the way she was because her own mother didn’t like her, didn’t want her, and she knew it. I wanted to be angry at her, rage at her as soon as I saw her, but all I could do at this moment was feel sorrier for her than I did for myself. At least I was getting away from all the tension and rage that swirled around this supposedly perfect new family Daddy had found.
The house was so quiet. I imagined Dina was forbidden to play any music. I was sure they had taken away her mobile phone. I knew from my own experience that prolonged deep silence could be painful for anyone. Sometimes having only your thoughts was like a rubber ball bouncing in an empty room.
Parker showed me to the guest suite. It was nicer than Dina’s room; everything was done in a sea blue with soft white curtains.
“I kept the things you should change into for your flight later tonight,” she said, pointing to the closet. “I’ll make you something to drink and eat for lunch and let you know when it’s ready. You can sit at the kitchen nook. I have some chores to do on my computer.”
“What about my father?”
She raised her eyebrows. “He has some important things to get for the house. You might remember that he is very handy and knowledgeable about how to go about house repairs. Neither of us likes being dependent on repair people. Dependability is rarer than ever, whether it involves your own children or others’, apparently.”
“Do you and my father have any friends?” I asked.
“What?”
“I just wondered if anyone fits your standards,” I said, mustering all the defiance I could.
She stared at me, looking like she would smile for a moment. “Your grandfather is right. You’re more of a Sutherland than a Bryer. You can’t hide your arrogance. It’s why you belong there and not here.”
I looked away quickly. I didn’t want her to see the pain I felt being told my father was more of a stranger to me than my grandfather. A few silent seconds passed. I continued to look away.
“The doctor said you should just rest. Maybe wait until after lunch to go out by the pool,” she added, her voice a little softer. “Don’t leave the property, of course.”
She left and closed the door. I lay there listening for Dina’s voice. Did she know they had brought me back? Was she going to try to speak to me? Would she come up with excuses, swear she had nothing to do with the drug?
Ten minutes later, Parker knocked and opened the door.
“Go have your lunch,” she said.
The sandwich and drink were there on the counter.
“Is Dina having lunch?”
“She’s on a hunger protest,” Parker said. “Not the first time. Once she lasted nearly two days. I never understood why people punish themselves as a way to get back at you, especially children.”
Maybe because a daughter expects you to care, I thought, but didn’t dare say.
She left, and I sat there alone, still in a bit of a daze from what had happened. It had all happened so fast, too. I was tempted to go upstairs and knock on Dina’s door. I wanted to know why she had done this to me. Whatever happened to wanting a sister? After I ate a little of the sandwich, I decided I would do it. Parker hadn’t forbidden it, and what difference did it make now? I was being sent back no matter what I did, what rule I broke. I picked up the plate with half the sandwich and started quietly up the stairs.
I paused at the top and listened. Parker either hadn’t heard me or didn’t care. I knocked softly on Dina’s door. She didn’t respond, so I knocked again. Suddenly, she pulled it open, looked at me, and went back to her bed. She was in her bra and panties.
“What do you want?” she asked, looking straight up at the ceiling.
“You want this half? It’s the turkey you liked.”
She glanced at me. “Did she send you up here?”
“No. She’s in her room, working on her books or something.”
“Give it to me, but don’t tell her I ate it.”
“I don’t think she cares,” I said, walking in and handing it to her.
She took it and gobbled it down. I handed her the rest of my drink, too.
“They’re sending me back to Sutherland, you know.”
“Poor you, going back to a mansion, servants, and just about anything you want.”
“I wanted my father to want me. I actually like it here. But I don’t think you really wanted me here. I think you pretended to. I think you thought I was some sort of new amusement for you.”
“Really?” she said, twisting the corner of her mouth. “You came up with that all by yourself?”
“Yes. You haven’t denied it.”
She continued to look up at the ceiling.
“You have friends, a boyfriend, and the art talent, but I think you might be lonelier than I am, Dina. You’re too angry all the time to be happy.”
“Oh, really? You know, you should be more grateful to me.”
“What? Why?”
“I saw the way you looked at me when I was naked. You can try to hide it, but anyone who gets to really know you intimately will know the truth. I was a little fascinated about it and thought about encouraging you even more.”
I knew my face was crimson. “That’s not true, no matter what lies you told them about me. I wasn’t looking at you that way. I was just surprised at how unashamed you were to be stark naked.”
“Why should I be ashamed? I have a figure most of the girls around me envy.”
“You told them lies about me touching you. You’re the one who wanted us to shower together.”
“Was I? Who do you think they believe about that? My mother never had a woman for a lover.”
“Eventually you would have told stories to your friends. Maybe you have already.”
“Whatever,” she said. “It certainly works as a reason you were sent back. Truthfully,” she said, smiling, “I’ve often considered experimenting a bit.”
She laughed, maybe at the expression on my face. Then she lowered her eyes and stared at me.
“What?” I asked.
“Who was Mrs. Lawson? What happened to her? Why was her name so forbidden?”
I didn’t respond.
“What difference does it make now? You’re going back no matter what. You can say whatever you want.”
“Right. And right now, I don’t want to say anything about her.”
“See? How was I going to be your sister if you came here with a trunk full of secrets that you would never tell me anyway? You were a stranger before you arrived, and you still are. You can’t blame me.”
I walked to the patio door and looked out at the ocean.
“You tell someone your deepest secrets when you believe he or she will keep them sacred,” I said. “You just wanted to scatter mine on the beach among your friends. What would that have been like for me? Everyone would look at me with pity or distaste. Maybe that’s what you wanted. Or you would keep a few secrets to hold over me and turn me into your little personal slave.”
She laughed.
I turned and looked at her. “I’m not surprised that you think that’s funny, Dina. It’s who you are.”
“Ya-di-di, ya-di-di. What are you, thirty years old or something? You sound like someone’s mother.”
“Really?” I smiled. “Thank you.”
“Oh,” she moaned, and waved me off.
“I’m going out by the pool,” I said. “Maybe you want to finish painting my portrait.”
“You wish,” she said as I left.
I went down and out to the pool. Parker still had not come out of her room. As soon as I lay back, my phone rang. I wasn’t surprised. I was expecting Aunt Holly to call.
“Hi, Aunt Holly,” I said, and almost immediately started to cry. I tried to suck back my tears, but my voice was betraying me.
“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. Grandfather Sutherland called me this morning.”
“I guess he was very angry.”
“No. Surprisingly, he wasn’t. He was very Grandfather Sutherland. All business, what he expects me to do and what he wants done for you. You’ll return to the same room, of course. We’ll have a family meeting the day after tomorrow to discuss your educational future. Martin and I are going to move back into Sutherland ourselves for a while. There is still Simon to look after, and the doctor doesn’t want us forcing him to do anything but take basic care of himself. As you know, he’s always been more comfortable at Sutherland than at home.”
“Doesn’t he want to go on to college? He could probably get accepted anywhere in that accelerated program, right?”
“He’s not quite ready to think about it. I told him about you just a little while ago.”
“And?”
“It was practically the only thing that made him happy.”
“Really? Is that good, his being happy that I got into trouble here?”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. Starting anew under these circumstances wouldn’t have been easy for anyone. Anyway, as far as Simon’s reaction, the good thing is he’s thinking about someone else besides himself. He’s been wallowing in self-pity and been unproductive. Grandfather Sutherland doesn’t have the patience for all that. I think he’s hoping you’ll make a difference.”
“Really? But what if I can’t? Will Grandfather Sutherland be more disappointed in me?”
“Let’s not worry about it now. We’ll both work on Simon. He’ll be our project.”
“Simon would hate to be known as anyone’s project.”
“See? You know him better than I do already.”
I had to laugh.
“I’ll be at the airport with Emerson. Your things are being taken care of today. Grandfather Sutherland has replaced Mrs. Lawson with a new housekeeper, Claudia Fisher. She is from one of his properties in England. She and her husband ran it, but her husband died recently, and your grandfather decided to hire her for Sutherland and sell that property. I only spent a few minutes with her, but I know she is not as stern as Mrs. Lawson. I will say she seems to be just as efficient and dedicated to her work. She practically radiates it, and the staff knows to follow her orders. Grandfather Sutherland laid down the law on that, and your grandfather certainly does command respect.
“In fact, Mrs. Fisher talks about him as if he’s British royalty. I never traced the Sutherland heritage that far back. Maybe he is.”
“Does she know about me?”
“Oh, I’m sure your grandfather has given her information about us all to make sure everything runs smoothly. You’d think this was a battleship and not a home,” she added, and then laughed. “I’m sorry about Hawaii and your father. I know you’re disappointed, but I’m so looking forward to seeing you.”
“Thank you, Aunt Holly.”
“Have a good trip,” she said. “Think of it this way, Caroline. Maybe it was too soon for you to start with a whole new family in a very different place. Sutherland was your mother’s home.”
“I’m not sure she really ever accepted it as a home.”
“There’s no choice when it comes to that. Sutherland is too powerful to be ignored. You’re your mother’s daughter. If anyone can change it more to her liking, you can. Just concentrate on how proud of you she was and will be.”
“Okay. Thank you, Aunt Holly. Bye.”
I sat there trying not to keep crying. A shadow caught my eye, and I looked up to see Dina on her lanai, looking down at me.
“You could come down,” I said.
She turned and went back inside. I watched the door, but she didn’t appear on the rear patio. I thought I heard Parker in the kitchen. Then I looked across the pool and saw the easel and the covered canvas. I rose and walked to it, watching the door. No one appeared, so I uncovered the canvas and looked at what Dina had painted.
There was what I would call a childish image of me lying on the lounge chair, with lines drawn for legs and arms. Instead of a face, there was a blob of pink and greenish paint full of swirls. Those clouds she had described were there, but more like smudges. How was this a portrait, or even a painting? And she had seemed to spend so long on it. It was more like an expression of some kind of madness. Maybe that was why Parker ignored her art. She wanted to ignore what was storming inside her daughter.
Not that she would listen to my advice, but I could tell her that trouble doesn’t go away because you pretend it isn’t there. It only grows stronger. I didn’t want to be this wise. I wanted to be a child in the Robot Family. But I never would again.
I covered up the painting and returned to the lounge chair. I think I dozed off, because there were different shadows moving across the pool and over the house when I opened my eyes. A while later, Boston appeared. I sat up as he approached. Without saying anything, he sat on the end of the lounge chair and looked down.
“I think what happened to you and what’s happening now are unfair,” he began, “but when those two make up their minds about something, there’s no point in trying to get them to change. They just shut down and go forward. Morgan is even more like that than Parker. Dina thinks her tantrums and howls will get them to reconsider a punishment. Our real father would give in sometimes, which only made matters worse between Parker and him. She doesn’t believe in taking the easy way out. You were always going uphill here, even before you arrived.”
“You warned me at the beach. I didn’t listen,” I said.
“Yeah, but you were excited to meet new friends and do new things. Dina might pout and rage for a while, but she’ll wake up one day and regret throwing you right into the stupid swing of things. She really needs a sister. I don’t have the patience, and besides, soon I’ll be on my own, move out.”
“Where will you go?”
“I’m not sure yet. Working things out. I’m considering becoming a Navy SEAL.”
“What is that?”
“An elite military force that carries out direct raids or assaults on enemy targets. It requires the most difficult training and tests to pass, but if I do… I know Morgan, for one, would be very proud of me, not that that’s a reason to do it.”
“Sounds scary.”
He laughed. “I’ll get the training to handle Dina for them.”
We both laughed.
“I’m sorry you’re leaving, Caroline. Really.”
He touched my hand, and then he took it in his, and we sat quietly for a while.
“I do hope I’ll see you again. Maybe I’ll come visit you at Sutherland one day.”
“Really?”
“Why not? You have pools and lakes to swim in, right?”
“Yes. I’ll practice diving.”
“Good.” He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. I could feel my face light up. “Don’t ever underestimate yourself, Caroline. You’re a bright, beautiful girl. And I should know. I see tons of them at the pool.”
I was speechless.
“Getting hungry?”
“Yes,” I said, and told him how I had given Dina half my sandwich.
“Parker’s right about her. For all we know, she has food stashed up there.”
We heard my father arrive.
“Okay, let’s go in. We’ll act like nothing’s changed,” he said, smiling.
“Act” would be the word for it, I thought, and followed him into the house.
And along with me came all the conflict I felt inside my heart: wanting Daddy’s forgiveness and the love he had once showed me, glad to be leaving Dina and her anger and resentment, sad to leave Boston before I had a chance to really get to know him, but happy to escape Parker’s sternness and suspicions.
