Chasing endless summer, p.22
Chasing Endless Summer, page 22
“No,” I said, laughing. “Hardly.”
“Whatever,” Noa said. “You guys just tell me what you want to do. I’m at your service.”
Sophia stepped back to pour more from the vodka bottle into my cup. I started to pull away but stopped. Dina was staring at me.
“Thank you,” I said, smiling.
I drank again and turned to the sea. The movement of the water was mesmerizing, dazzling. Maybe it was how welcoming they all were and how exciting this suddenly felt, but I drank some more and talked to the twins. Their questions were harmless, almost as if Dina had given everyone the boundaries. Despite the way Dina had described my rich life, I did sense that they felt sorry for me for losing my mother. I did like them all and was even somewhat envious of Dina. She had fun friends.
Suddenly, I felt my phone vibrate. It did both that and rang, but the ring was too low. I looked at the others. No one had realized it. Who would be calling me at this hour? Was it Daddy? I wondered, and stepped to the right to slip it out of my pocket and say hello.
“Oh, honey,” I heard Aunt Holly say. “How are you?”
“I’m at a beach party,” I said, unable to hide my excitement about it, “and meeting Dina’s friends.”
“Right, right, I keep forgetting the time difference. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“No, it’s all right, Aunt Holly. I’m glad you called.”
I realized she had called me just a short time ago. Why would she call so soon after that?
“What is it? Is Simon all right?”
She was quiet.
“Aunt Holly.”
“I didn’t mean to call. I’m so sorry.”
“Yes, you did. What is it?”
She was quiet.
“What difference does it make when you call if you have something to tell me, Aunt Holly?”
“You’re right. I keep forgetting you’re your mother’s daughter. It’s your friend Nattie. You knew she was very ill. It’s for the best.”
“Nattie? For the best? You mean… she’s… she’s gone?”
“It’s so much better, Caroline. She was suffering so, but you saw her, and she saw you. That was surely the highlight for her.”
“Oh.”
“Try not to think about it. I’m so sorry. I just thought if I kept it from you, you’d be even more upset.”
“Of course,” I said.
“Let’s talk tomorrow,” she said. “Don’t think about it right now. Enjoy your new friends and the party. There’s plenty of time to mourn afterward. I’ll call you again soon.”
“Okay,” I said.
I slipped the phone back into my pocket. No matter what she said, I would think about it, of course. In fact, it felt as if I was hearing about my mother’s death again. Nattie was the last close connection to her. I was foolish to hope she would heal and eventually walk out of that place. I dreamed of us being together. It was going to be like getting a part of my mother back.
And now that was gone.
Forever.
“What are you doing?” Dina screamed at me. I turned to her. “The party’s over here. We’re going to go for a swim before we eat,” she told me.
I looked toward the ocean and then at her. I was certainly not going to tell her about Nattie.
“I’ve never—”
“Swum in the ocean. I know. Virginities. Don’t worry. There are no sharks.”
“Sharks?”
“Stop teasing her,” Noa said. “I’ll go in alongside you. Don’t worry.”
“That’s why she should worry,” Dina said. “C’mon, everyone,” she cried, and disrobed.
She looked at me. I was suddenly more self-conscious than ever, but I did it.
“Hey, sweet,” Mikala said, eyeing me so intensely that I felt naked.
“Don’t take your drink in with you,” Dina said. She put her hand under my cup. I hesitated. She tilted her head to illustrate what I should do, or else.
Nattie’s gone, I thought. I have to put my sadness on hold.
I downed it.
“All right,” Dina said, looking pleased. “First one to the mainland gets the prize.”
“Mainland?”
Dina charged into the water.
“She’ll swim six feet and stop,” Noa said. I felt him take my hand before Peter could. “C’mon.”
Of course the water was a little cool when I stepped in. Everything was whirling about me. I screamed when a wave washed over me. Where I drew the courage from I don’t know, but when my hand slipped out of Noa’s, I dove into the water the way Boston had shown me to dive. Everyone was screaming and laughing. I kept thinking, Nattie’s gone; Mommy’s gone.
I swam a little ways and then realized that the sand beneath me was sliding out from under my feet. I looked for Noa and Dina, but they seemed farther away. A small panic began to build. I lashed out, but the water seemed to envelop me and change my direction.
“Get her back!” I heard someone shout.
I swallowed some salty water, gagged, and felt myself weakening. My panic grew; I tried to shout but again swallowed too much water. My arms began to ache. I went under and bobbed and went under again, the water appearing to take me farther away from the others. I flailed about, and then maybe I passed out. I don’t know, but suddenly someone was lifting me around my waist and bringing me back toward the shore. I gasped and choked and was sure I had passed out again.
When I opened my eyes, I was looking up at Boston. Everything was spinning. I was still having trouble breathing.
“Why did you let go of her hand?” I thought I heard Dina ask Noa.
“I didn’t. She just slipped out and dove into the water, so I thought she knew what she was doing.”
“I shouldn’t have depended on him to watch over her, but he was so excited to do it,” Dina was saying with great sarcasm.
“What? That’s not true.”
I felt myself being lifted and turned my head to rest in the nook between Boston’s shoulder and chest.
“Where are you going with her?” Dina screamed.
“She needs to be checked out.”
“You’ll get us all into deep trouble! Bring her back! You idiot!”
Boston carried me to his car, slipped me into the back seat smoothly, and drove off. I closed my eyes, and when I awoke, I was at an emergency room. I was very dizzy and nauseated. I struggled to remember what had happened. Everything was such a blur, images running into each other: water, faces, Aunt Holly and Nattie trying to talk to me, and Daddy coming home from work and shouting, “Landed!” I was running toward him as if I was running back through time, rewinding minutes, getting younger and younger. I think I passed out again and woke hours later.
There was whiteness all around me and something beating. My arm was cuffed. I turned my head and could see Daddy just outside the door of the room I was in. He was talking to Boston, who had his head bowed. A doctor approached them, and the three went off to the right.
I tried to call out, but the effort seemed to take all my strength, so I closed my eyes and waited. I opened them to see the nurse adjust something, and moments later, Daddy approached the bed. He didn’t look angry as much as in deep thought. His brow was rippling.
“I don’t know what happened,” I said before he could ask.
He nodded. “No, you don’t,” he replied, which surprised me. I had been preparing myself for all sorts of accusations and threats. “And there is good reason why not. Did you accept a drink, something with alcohol in it?”
I looked past him. Was Dina nearby?
“I… yes,” I confessed. I couldn’t lie to Daddy when we were the Robot Family, and I certainly couldn’t lie to him now, maybe not ever.
“There was more than alcohol in it, and I don’t mean the juice. Were you aware of that?”
“No. What else?”
“Something these kids—kids, unfortunately, everywhere these days—call Ecstasy. Didn’t take long for you to get into the water with them.”
“I never heard of it, Daddy.”
“Your mother or Nattie Gleeson never offered you anything to smoke or take?”
“NOOOO,” I said.
He nodded. “I’ve been questioning Dina. She thinks she’s so sophisticated, but I’m trained in methods of interrogation. You know that.”
I shook my head. “Interrogation? No. I don’t understand.”
“Well, I’d have thought your mother would have given you more of my background. Anyway, there are ways to break down someone to tell the truth. Dina claims you wanted to take showers with her, told her you’d wash her back and she could wash yours. Something you saw your mother and Nattie do?”
“NO. She was the one who wanted to do it. She was the one walking around naked, not me, Daddy.”
“Um,” he said. “Whether she or you initiated it, it’s out there. I know some girls her age like to experiment, and she thinks you’ve already done so.”
“No.”
“Mistake to have had you share a room. But some things happen almost no matter what. If they’re meant to happen, that is.”
“I don’t know why she’s saying those things. Maybe she’s just afraid of you.”
“I hope so. You used to be.”
“Mommy always said it was better to love someone than fear him or her.”
“She did enough of that. Anyway, I have already spoken with your grandfather. He and I have decided that whatever the truth is, it’s too soon.”
“Too soon for what?”
“For you to have left Sutherland. You have more adjusting to do, and it’s better that you have the supervision Grandfather Sutherland can provide. I have”—he looked away—“I have my hands full here. The truth is, I haven’t fully adjusted to it all myself. Dina, who, as is her character, claims innocence, claims her friends will testify for her. In other words, she knows nothing about this.”
“But that’s what’s true for me. I don’t know what happened, what I drank.”
“Whatever. What’s clear in any case is she is not the right influence on you right now. You are like a turtle without a shell, vulnerable because of all that’s happened. Maybe it’s my fault or even mostly my fault, but sitting around and analyzing and blaming isn’t the solution.
“You see a problem, you solve it,” he said with that Captain Bryer firmness. “You’re impressionable, naive, innocent beyond what you should be for your age. We know the reason for that. Fortunately, until you are less vulnerable, there is a support system for you that few can enjoy.”
He paused and looked so young for a moment. Or maybe it was because of what had happened to me. I felt like his little girl again, but that face quickly disappeared.
“So you told Grandfather Sutherland everything already?”
“That was the bargain we had made.”
“Bargain?” I looked away. I had become something to trade?
“You were told there were conditions, Caroline.”
“But… Boston will tell you the truth. Ask Boston.”
“There’s enough dissension in this broken family as it is,” he said. “For better or for worse, I took it on, and things being the way they were, it became my priority.”
“Not me?”
“Apparently, your grandfather wants to do more for you. He sees potential. You’ve impressed him, and he’s not a man easily impressed by anyone. He says you’re more of a Sutherland than a Bryer.”
Was that good? Did I want that? What about Daddy? Wasn’t that more of an insult?
“He said that?”
“Yes. He doesn’t pull punches with anyone, including me. Truthfully, it would be stupid for me to keep you here, exposed to… whatever. I can’t provide the same protection, and although Boston is quite reliable, he has his own life to pursue, his own ambitions. He can’t be appointed your guardian when Parker and I are not available.”
“Protection? At Sutherland? Does that mean locking me up again?”
“No, no. He has many ideas to discuss with you for your schooling. The thing is, he wants you to be involved in your future now. No one will impose anything on you. He’s not rehiring Dr. Kirkwell, either. What you’ll do now is spend another day or so recuperating here, during which your things will be packed and everything actually sent ahead. You’ll only have to get on a plane and return when I complete the arrangements.”
“But—”
“I’ll keep the model airplane you brought with you. I was happy about that, but it will be here when you return, when you’re ready and willing to return. I promise that then you’ll have your own room, and you can visit when you want. It’ll just be easier for us both when you’re older. You’ll have reached the maturity to handle your past well.”
“I’ve barely been here. How do you know I won’t?”
“Sometimes it doesn’t take long to know what’s right or wrong to do. I’m not a man who hesitates when choices become clear, Caroline. What I want most for you, what I have always wanted most for you, is a safe landing. We have to get you on the right flight path.”
What? Was I hearing right? I’m not a plane. I’m your daughter. The words came but evaporated almost as soon as they had.
I was dizzy again. He was fading in and out. I saw his lips mov-ing and heard him repeat his decision. “Safe landing… safe landing… just not here and now. Right choice.”
Captain Bryer had spoken. Was all this just a dream?
Maybe, I thought before I drifted off again, I did drown.
I dreamed of Mommy and Nattie, both smiling, the three of us dancing until I was dancing alone.
And then I heard my name.
Someone was calling.
I opened my eyes and saw the nurse.
“Are you all right?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” I said.
She smiled. “Well, you slept well. It’s morning. We’ll get you dressed. Your father is coming to pick you up.”
“And then I’ll find out,” I said.
“What?” She held her smile.
“Whether or not I’m all right.”
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Parker came with him to the hospital. Compared to how she looked now, she must have been overjoyed the first time I had seen her. Waves of anger seemed to flow from her scowl. Avoiding looking directly at me, she stood beside Daddy as he finished the hospital release paperwork. When she first saw me, she didn’t ask how I was. She wasn’t asking now, either. She had other things to say, things that would always be more important to her than my welfare, my future.
Right from the start, I couldn’t imagine her even as a stepmother. A stepmother couldn’t see herself in you. I understood that, but in my mind, the word “mother” had to at least mean someone who cared for you more than just an ordinary person would. You were still part of her family. Your welfare mattered to her. Of course, it wasn’t love as deep as a real mother’s, but shouldn’t it have been deeper than concern for a stranger? I so longed for the warmth of a loving embrace, a soft kiss, the precious holding of hands. I fought so hard against seeing myself as an orphan. I still had a father, and I had a grandfather with a familial history that touched so many, but right now, that didn’t seem to matter. An orphan doesn’t orbit around anyone. He or she doesn’t quite know where his or her roots should go. Where would mine?
When I first left Sutherland for Hawaii, I felt more like an astronaut going from one world to another. Now I felt as if my rocket had missed its target and I was sailing into the dark unknown with stars moving farther and farther away. Even they didn’t want to touch me.
There is no one lonelier than someone who finds she is the only one feeling sorry for herself. Mommy tried desperately to prevent that from happening. I felt more disappointed for her than I did for myself. More and more I realized that she was the true orphan with a family. Shadows at Sutherland were always deeper and darker for her. Even her ashes were trapped in that darkness right now.
Parker’s eyes narrowed. Her face looked carved in ice. She looked like she could read my angry and distraught thoughts. It set my heart pounding. Had I no secrets to keep? I wanted to be more like Simon, who could hide his displeasure so easily behind a smile or a smile behind an apparent scowl. Right now, growing up seemed more like learning how to be deceptive. Innocence was cute, adorable, but along with it came vulnerability. I was a child on that beach, but I swore to myself that I would never be again.
“Your father and I are highly respected FAA air traffic controllers. We don’t wield the power your grandfather does to be able to stifle gossip. Our reputations are very important to our work and our lives. We came here to get away from the nasty, prodding busybodies.”
Tears came into my eyes. What about Dina, then? I wanted to say. Boston told me about the trouble she had gotten into at school, but I didn’t dare bring it up, even though I thought she was being unfair.
Daddy seemed not to hear a word she was saying, or if he did, he was happy she was saying it. We went out quickly, got into the car, and started for his and Parker’s home. I couldn’t see myself ever calling it just home.
“I’m not blaming you completely,” she continued, as if her previous words were hanging in the air between us. “Dina is grounded for two months, and when we say ‘grounded,’ we mean it. She steps foot off our property, we’ll know, and she knows we’ll know.
“We’re putting you on a red-eye tonight. The doctor has assured us you’re fine to travel. All your things have already been packed and shipped. We’ve prepared the downstairs guest bedroom for you so you can continue to rest, or you can go out to a pool lounge chair. Boston will be picking up our dinner right after his work. For today, Dina is confined to her room until dinner and then after. She will not be accompanying us to the airport.”
I was surprised there was even a suggestion she would come along.
“As for your new bike, Morgan has decided we will keep it. Dina, however, will not be permitted to use it.”
Why was she telling me all this? I wondered. What did she want me to say? I’m sorry? Please don’t send me away? Was I supposed to wail and beg?
“I shouldn’t have drunk the juice with the vodka in it, but I didn’t know anything else was in it,” I said. “I wouldn’t have gone into the ocean for the first time if I had known.”
