Only for him, p.42
Only For Him, page 42
I focus on the wine spilling into the round bottoms of the glasses and breathe deep. It’s always awkward, I remind myself. It would have been awkward at first even if Declan hadn’t been a Cross and he’d asked me on a regular date. I would have been nervous bringing him home no matter what.
“We need a drink to cheers, I think,” Aria says with a smile she gives each of us our glass. Carter and Declan have whiskey already so it’s just the three of us women with prosecco.
The way Carter watches my mother reminds me of how he was when I first came here. He’s a bit more reserved with my mom at the table. It occurs to me that he’s always been guarded. His love for Aria slips out regardless.
He catches my eye, and I anticipate some kind of disappointment with how awkward this all is. Carter smiles instead, a genuine grin that creates a touch of wrinkles around his eyes. He lifts his glass in cheers toward me and I do the same.
Glasses clink and there’s a bit of warmth that touches me. It’s a feeling that’s reminiscent of home.
My mother plays along respectfully but there’s no smile on her face.
“Okay then.” Aria takes her seat last, lifting her hands to indicate all the food on the table. “Let’s eat.”
She’s made a full spread of Italian food. Bruschetta with fresh bread. Meatballs. Caprese salad. Creamy chicken and gnocchi. Handmade tortellini. It looks divine and smells even better.
Aria passes the first dish and smiles at my mother. “I’m hoping there’s something you’ll like here,” she says and then her eyes widen. “Oh! The lasagna.” She jumps up from her seat and brings the last dish back to the table. All the while she’s gone, it’s quiet, apart from the clinking of serving spoons against the porcelain dishes.
“I salvaged it,” Aria states, placing down the pan of homemade lasagna. “The one corner is a little less than perfect.”
My mom speaks kindly and of her own free will for the first time, “If it tastes as good as it smells, I’m sure it’s delicious.” Her smile looks a bit more genuine, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. She’s skeptical. It’s noticeable. Perhaps Aria is growing on her though.
Dinner continues with Aria mainly asking my mother questions and attempting to keep the conversation upbeat. All I can think is that my heart is breaking into two.
Declan finds my hand under the table and squeezes. He hasn’t touched his drink. Neither have I.
Neither has my mother.
My mom stays quiet as we start eating. The conversation dims as forks clink against plates. Aria talks to Carter. Carter talks to Declan. Declan doesn’t say anything to my mother, and she doesn’t say anything to him. I keep glancing at him, begging him to say something to her but every vision of what he could say to her is not the man I know Declan to be.
I don’t know how to make any of this right and I don’t know what to say.
The tension’s obvious after a few minutes. I have to say something. Dinner with my own mother can’t be like this. I can’t sit at a table and pretend everything is fine when two people I love so dearly won’t even speak to one another.
I’ve just opened my mouth to say something, anything, when Declan clears his throat.
“I love your daughter,” he says, voice clear. “I wouldn’t have married her if I didn’t.”
My mother’s fork pauses midair and her eyes go wide as she stares at Declan for a long moment. Slowly, she lowers her fork and sets it on her plate. There’s pain in her eyes when she speaks.
“Braelynn is my only child and my entire world—”
“Same for me,” Declan says matter of factly, cutting her off. “It’s a good thing that she has both of us to love her.”
My mother swallows, and Carter and Aria sip from their drinks. I feel hot all over, on the verge of panic.
“I don’t know when it happened,” Declan continues. “But at some point, there was no turning back.”
“In your life, there’s hardly any going back. Isn’t that right?” My mom’s pushing him, and there are tears in her eyes. The emotion creeps into her tone and I imagine she’s been on edge the entire night wanting to confront him. She knows enough that she should be scared I’m involved with him. I can’t deny that.
“It’s never too late for anything,” Aria says, grabbing a piece of bread. “I don’t know if you know this, Mrs. Lennox, but I grew up in this life, and I know how others feel about it. I know the hesitancy.” Everyone at the table watches Aria now. “But I’m not in it any longer. I have children. I have my art, and I don’t—” She licks her lips. “The brutality of it was too much.”
“You are Aria Cross,” my mother says in her best no-nonsense tone. “Of course you are in the life.” My mom’s voice doesn’t shake, but she’s about to cry. “I do not want this for my daughter.”
“You don’t want what, exactly?” Aria asks. Declan gazes at his hardly touched plate and squeezes my hand tighter. “There is no one who will love her more. No one who can give her more. She is family, which means you are as well.”
Aria has a no-nonsense tone to rival my mother’s and the tension at the table cracks.
“It may take time to adjust,” Carter states, picking up his glass and taking a sip, “but I think the part where Declan really fucked up was keeping Braelynn to himself as they had their whirlwind romance.”
He glances at my mother with sympathy. “He knows he shouldn’t have. You can’t blame him. He was the youngest and when our mom died, we didn’t really baby him. He can be boneheaded sometimes.”
I blink at Carter, barely recognizing his tone. He’s almost…charming as he placates my mother. A version of him I haven’t met before.
Declan huffs a laugh at the description, although the emotion shows on his face. “I apologize, Mrs. Lennox,” he says, looking her in the eyes, his own brimming with sincerity. “I have been selfish with your daughter and unkind to you. I will do better.” My heart patters the softest beat, staring up at this man who could rule hell, as he apologizes to my mother and then rubs his thumb over my knuckles under the table.
My mother’s silent. “We’ll give you a key,” Carter offers. My eyebrows must be up at my hairline, but he’s not done speaking. “You can come over as often as you’d like and whenever you’d like.”
“Unannounced?” my mother asks, obviously testing him, and I can’t hold it in anymore. Declan and his family are being more than generous.
“Mama! You can’t—”
“If you prefer to,” continues Carter smoothly, stopping me from getting too worked up.
Before my mother can answer, Declan says, “I really am sorry. I wasn’t thinking. I was only falling in love with your daughter. But she told me how much you mean to her, and I will never get between you two. Even if you worry, even if you never want me as a son—”
“I didn’t say that,” my mother says abruptly, and she has a look in her eye that’s conflicted. I don’t recognize this tone in her voice at first. She sounds almost like she’s scolding him, but it’s so soft that it can’t be. My mother points a finger at Declan. “I didn’t say that I don’t want you as a son.” She clears her throat and takes a sip of her drink. “I said I’m worried.”
There’s nothing Declan can say to that. We both know better than to think this world is completely safe for any of us. Life is not guaranteed, and especially not for anyone in the Cross brothers’ lives. They’re not the only ones like that, though. Danger can find a person anywhere.
“Time will be good for all of us, I think,” Aria pipes up. For a minute I worry that my mom will argue with her or that she’ll burst into tears at the table.
But my mother nods slowly and then tells them all she’s thankful for tonight, and I can’t help but smile.
All around the table, everyone picks up their forks again. The worst of the tension seems to have passed. In the new calm, I can see how it might be between all of us. I know Carter meant it when he offered my mother a key, and this…this could be a regular part of our reality. Dinners together. Getting used to each other. Getting to know each other as we actually are, not from the rumors and whispers that surround the Cross brothers.
After a moment of silence, my mother says, “Well,” and Declan looks over at her, his eyebrows raised. “I know where you live now.” She says it as if it’s a real threat, her voice lowered and her eyes narrowed, and there’s a moment of tense silence at the table.
Then she smiles to herself, and Carter laughs. Declan follows him a second later, and so does Aria. I can at least smile at that as more hope slips in.
I know in this moment that it’s going to be okay. Aria’s right. Time is going to be good for all of us. It will take time to figure out how we all fit into this life, but we will fit. I won’t have it any other way. I’m going to have the people I love with me, even if it takes work.
The best things usually do, anyway.
After a few minutes, Aria starts telling Carter about a new painting she’s working on, and I reach over for my mom’s hand. For a second, all three of us are touching. I have her hand in mine, and Declan’s hand covers mine under the table.
My mom looks me in the eyes, pride and patience on her face.
“We got started off on the wrong foot, Mama.” My throat gets tight thinking of all I’ve been through since I met Declan Cross. Since before I met Declan, even. The two of us have come a long way, and my mom and I came even further together. “But I promise you, I’m happy. This is what I want.”
“And I love her more than anything.” Declan lifts my hand from beneath the table and kisses my knuckles. He rests our clasped hands on the table, no longer hiding it from my mother or from anyone.
My mom stares at our hands for a long moment, tears glistening in her eyes. They don’t fall, though. She raises her napkin from her lap and dabs at her eyes, taking a long, deep breath. Then she looks Declan in the eye. “You need to make me a promise.”
He clears his throat, looking back at her. They’re both very serious now. It’s not a joke, and I know Declan can tell that as easily as I can. “What promise is that?” he asks.
“Promise me you won’t let anything happen to her.”
My mom doesn’t have to make a threat along with her request. If anything were to happen to me, she would do whatever she could to get justice for me. But the truth is, none of that would matter to her. The only thing she’s ever wanted is for me to be safe and happy. The stakes are higher than retribution and revenge. She’s telling Declan, in not so many words, that her heart would be broken forever if any harm were to come to me.
My own heart skips a beat. At the very least, they understand each other, Declan and my mom, even if they don’t realize it yet. They both love me more than anything else. It’s something not everyone in the world gets to experience, being loved by two people like this. There have been times in my life that I thought I couldn’t get any unluckier, but now it’s crystal clear.
And that kind of love…that’s a true gift. One that shouldn’t ever be taken for granted.
I make my own silent promise to always, always remember this moment. The serious way Declan looks at my mom, with the obvious desire for acceptance. The way she looks back at him, hopeful and trusting but knowing so much is out of her control. She wouldn’t be here if she didn’t want to give him a chance, and this question is the true test.
Because, of course, she can’t keep me safe all on her own. She tried her best when I was a child, and now that I’m a grown woman, she has to do her best to trust other people, starting with my husband.
“Will you take my word for it?” Declan asks, his voice rough. I wonder if it bothers him to say this in front of Carter and Aria, but I don’t think so. He hardly looks at them. He’d say this no matter who was in the room. That makes my heart even warmer.
My mother nods, accepting as solemnly as if they’re making an eternal pact. I guess, in a way, they are.
“Then I give you my word,” Declan says. “I swear to you. I won’t let a damn thing happen to my wife. She’ll be safe with me.”
DECLAN
I don’t remember a time that I’ve been so damn nervous. I barely touched my plate and I don’t trust the whiskey. All I can think as I stare across the table all night at Mrs. Lennox is that she reminds me so much of my own mother. Memories of my childhood play back as I sit there, scraping the fork across my plate.
I knew I wasn’t good enough for Braelynn back then, and I’m sure as hell not good enough for her now.
Her mother knows that. It’s so fucking obvious that her mother knows that. We all do.
But I can’t let Braelynn go. I won’t do it. I love her and I don’t know how I could survive without her anymore.
With dinner and dessert done, her mother slips on her coat. Hugs were given to all, including me, more than likely reluctantly. Carter and Aria have gone and as Braelynn’s telling her to drive safe, Mrs. Lennox asks me for a private minute.
If I was nervous before, I have no fucking clue what this feeling is. The pit of my stomach twists and turns as I nod and Brae lets go of my hand to leave me alone in the foyer.
“Love you neña,” she murmurs to her daughter who looks skeptically back as she walks to the kitchen to give us a moment.
Brae’s footsteps can barely be heard when her mother tells me calmly, “I remember when you were a little boy, do you remember me?”
If only she knew.
I clear my throat, swallowing down the emotion, “I do.” I wonder what she sees when she looks at me. I wonder if I look like a cold-hearted monster to her, because right now I feel the same as I did back before I knew what this world was.
She glances past me, holding her purse against her chest. “You’re not so little anymore. Seems like a lot has changed.”
“A lot has changed but I—” I breathe out deeply before meeting her gaze, “I loved her then. I just didn’t know how much I needed her. I’m sorry I couldn’t stay away from her.” My voice cracks slightly, betraying me, and I hate it.
I clear my throat again as her mother eyes me. Perhaps thinking that I’m lying to her. And I suppose with all the lies I’ve told, I deserve that, but I can prove to her that I mean everything I say.
Her mother speaks just above her breath, “She deserves someone who loves her.”
I don’t hesitate to answer, “I do. I do love her. And I’ll take care of her.”
A moment passes and then she nods, as if accepting it, and for a moment, it feels like everything might be all right.
“I expect to have dinner every Sunday.” I nod in return and tell her we can do that.
“Good,” she says with finality and then looks behind her at the door. Before she leaves, she says, “Next week, dinner at my house.” Again I nod. I would do anything for her. She adds, “Just you two or your family can come.”
“They’ll be there,” I answer for my brothers, and then I think about all the kids and how I think her mother would love that.
“Just to warn you, it is a large family.”
“Well that’s just fine. I have a large table.”
BRAELYNN
My mom hasn’t been gone for five minutes when she messages me.
He really loves you, the text reads. I smile at my phone and tap out my answer. I know. And I love him too.
I make my way to get a much-needed drink with Declan, my shoulders relaxed, my body light in a way it hasn’t been in a long, long time. My life is coming together. My mom’s part of everything again. She knows about Declan and our love. Maybe not everything, as there are certain things I’ll never breathe life into again. And, for the first time, I feel like I’m right where I’m meant to be. Like this is the start of my forever.
With my thoughts getting ahead of me as I nibble on a bit of chocolate cake, Carter and Declan walk into the kitchen. Mid conversation and for a moment I wonder if I should leave. I don’t want to overhear anything—ever—that isn’t for me to know.
I murmur after swallowing down a delicious morsel and make my way past the two of them. “Sorry. I was just coming to grab a bottle of wine.”
I start to turn, but Declan’s already at my side. He takes my elbow and pulls me into a hug, dropping a kiss to the top of my head. “It’s fine, Brae. We were just talking about the investigation. It should be over now.”
I swallow hard. “Were you?” I lean out around Declan’s embrace and wave at Carter. “Hey, Carter.”
“Hi,” he says. “Nothing to worry about. If they had enough evidence, we would know.”
“Is there anything that I should know that they have?” I ask and then I hate how I ask the question.
Declan chuckles rough and low, and Carter answers for the both of them. “All they have is a fire to put out.”
“Literally,” Declan adds, a grin catching at the corners of his mouth. He looks delighted to be telling me this. Almost like it’s something funny that happened at the office. As if the Cross brothers could ever have a normal office job to come home and tell their wives about. “Explosives in an office. All the evidence is either damaged beyond repair or gone.”
“There’s nothing to hold up in court,” Carter says softly. “The judge on the case now is firmly in our pocket.”
“Is this too much?” Declan asks when I go wide-eyed and quiet.
It takes a few beats to clear the tight feeling from my throat. “No, I want to know that it’s over but I’m not sure I need to know anything else.”
“It’s over,” Declan says and once again kisses my temple.
I lean my head against his chest and let him hold me. I listen to his heartbeat, steady and strong. This is all that’s important in the world. My husband, with me. Nobody’s after us… for the moment. It’s not a very grandiose dream, but it’s come true, and that’s what counts.
Carter clears his throat, and I pick my head up to find him on his way out. “Congratulations, you two,” he says over his shoulder.
“On what?” Declan asks.
