Maybe someday, p.18
Maybe Someday, page 18
“It means be the parent to her that I couldn’t be to Katie.” Chris flicked her gaze up to Ash. “And I know that’s personal and unprofessional, but I hope you understand. Avonlee is struggling right now, and what she needs is her mother’s undivided attention.”
Was this the breakup speech? Ash’s stomach plummeted. She’d wanted to talk things out, not break up, right? “So you’re suspending her to give me that time to focus on her?”
“No, I’m suspending her because she punched another student in the face twice.”
“Because she was being bullied!” Ash’s voice rose. She had to defend Avonlee. “It’s not her fault.”
“She punched another student,” Chris repeated, calmly.
“I get that. But it was in self-defense.” Every muscle in Ash was tight and ready to spring into action. Yet she couldn’t get over the damn lump in her throat. “This is ridiculous, you know. You’ve always had it out for me.”
“What?” The question rang through the air.
“Ever since I was a kid. You hated me.” Why was she going this direction? Ash shook her head wildly as she was fraught with emotion. She had to pull herself back together. “So now you’re taking it out on my kids? I expected more from you, Chris.”
“If you’re going to accuse me of that, you can call me Dr. Murphey.” Chris stood up sharply and walked toward her desk. She rummaged around in some folders off to the side before pulling something out and slapping it onto the table. “And if you’re going to accuse me of that, write up a formal complaint and send it to the district. I’m not going to take this bullshit from you.”
Chris walked back to her desk, leaning against the edge of it with her arms crossed. Underneath the anger, Ash swore she saw the hurt behind the mask. She just couldn’t focus on it. If she did, she knew she’d let her guard down too much and then she’d be putty in Chris’ hands again. And she couldn’t allow herself to trust a drunk—not again.
“And while you’re at it,” Chris added, “Why don’t you throw in that I’m a drunk principal. That should really add to the ruin of my career, which I assume is your hope in this entire conversation.”
Shock hit Ash full force. She should never have allowed herself to even think that this was a possibility. She’d been so stupid lately, blinded by the fact that she had hope. Well hope was a fickle thing, and she didn’t want it anymore.
“When can Avonlee come back?”
“Monday. We’ll have a meeting Monday to discuss her behavior plan we’ll be creating while she’s on suspension.”
“And the other girl, Kelli?” Ash tightened again. She could keep this professional now. They’d lobbed accusations at each other multiple times already, and Ash would do the right thing now. She’d keep this about her kid.
“The other student is also going to be suspended, other than that I can’t get into the details of the consequences for them.”
Ash glared. “Why not?”
“Confidentiality. If there continues to be issues between Avonlee and this student, then I’ll suggest a meeting with parents together, but it will be a last resort.” Chris stood still by her desk, the distance between them widening like a chasm.
Ash could feel it, and she knew whatever had been between them was likely gone. She’d ensured that. “Why a last resort?”
“Because I don’t think it’s going to be productive, honestly. I know this family well, and I don’t think their views and beliefs are going to change.” Chris looked drained.
Ash could only imagine what a tough day it had been for her.
“I’ll let you know if I find out if they’ll be pressing charges or not. If they are, Avonlee might be facing more serious consequences than suspension because I won’t be able to have them in the same school.”
“Are you threatening expulsion?”
“I’m not threatening anything, Ash.” Chris held her ground. “I’m telling you a possible outcome from this. They stopped before we needed to call the police, but if they were adults, Avonlee could be arrested for a felony. Any hit to the face is a felony.”
Ash groused. Her jaw was tight. She could barely stand to sit there any longer. “Is that everything?”
“Yes. I’ll have Ms. Dunja set up some assignments for Avonlee to do on her iPad so she can keep up from home.”
Snorting, Ash stood sharply. “I can’t believe you’re doing this.”
“Ash, what don’t you believe? She physically attacked another student.”
“She didn’t instigate the fight!”
“How do you even know that? You didn’t even stop to talk to her or start with the whole story when you walked in here.”
Ash glared because she’d been caught in being angry for anger's sake. She was acting like the teenager she had been when they’d met, and she hated herself all the more for it. “Fine. What happened?”
Chris blew out a breath. “Avonlee is being bullied for a number of things by one student in particular. But that doesn’t excuse what she did either. She can’t be punching people in the face.”
Ash knew that. She agreed with it. But that didn’t mean she wanted to say that out loud to Chris. “So she defended herself.”
“And you,” Chris added. “But she should have reported the bullying, which she hasn’t done.”
“Avonlee doesn’t exactly trust people.”
“I thought we had worked on that some.” Chris squared her shoulders, a point of pride coursing through her.
They had. Avonlee hadn’t had a bad word to say about Chris. In fact, the small moments that Avonlee had actually talked to Ash about school, Chris had been the subject of a lot of those conversations. Not that Ash was going to share that now.
“Can I take her home?”
“Yes. I’ll talk to you Monday about the behavior plan.” Chris looked Ash directly in the eye. “Please answer the phone when I call for that.”
“Of course I will.” Ash stood up and shrugged her jacket onto her shoulders. “This is about my daughter.”
Walking out of the office, Ash collected Avonlee. She didn’t want to look back at Chris, but as soon as she stepped out of the main office, she glanced over her shoulder. Chris stood, devastated, watching as they walked away. That look hurt. Ash wanted to run up to her and beg for forgiveness. She’d let the bitch come out of her in the worst possible way.
If all she’d been doing was protecting her heart and her daughter, then why did she feel like she needed to send Chris apology flowers?
Oh right, she’d been a bitch.
Still, she knew better than to believe in love again because when she let her guard down, Chris was nothing more than a bully. Ash would get the full story out of Avonlee when they got home, but she had no doubts that Chris was overreacting to a simple incident.
Getting into the car, Ash started the engine and blew out a breath. She had to get herself under control. Because she had to figure out just what she was going to be doing with her daughter for the next three days. Holding back her cry, Ash drove toward home. She hated this. She hated feeling vulnerable and split open. She hated that Chris had that power over her, and Ash wasn’t going to give it to her again. She should have known better. People don’t change.
Chapter Twenty-Three
“You ready?” Chris asked Esther as she stepped into the fifth-grade classroom.
She’d been in that classroom far more than she should have that quarter, but if she could support Esther with her difficult class, she would. But today was the end of the day on a Friday, and Chris would rather be anywhere but here. It had been a long week, and all she wanted was to go to a meeting, get her head on straight, and spend some time on the phone with Katie like she’d promised to do.
“Yes,” Esther answered.
Chris sat down at one of the classroom tables with her. Esther pulled out a file of paper that she’d printed off and set it between them. Chris skimmed over it to see how the behavior plan was done up for Avonlee. They’d already had the meeting for Kelli, and it had gone about as well as Chris expected it to—which was not.
“I like this.” Chris pointed to a portion of the paper. “I meant to tell you that when you emailed it to me.”
“It was a last minute add, but I’ve noticed Avonlee really responds to firmer structure and rules, so I was hoping this would help.”
“If only Kelli was the same.” Chris stretched back in the chair as they waited. The bell had rung ten minutes ago, and they were still waiting on Avonlee and Ash to show up for the meeting.
“She’s in a tough situation.”
Chris agreed, but she also thought it was mostly because she put herself there. “I think we need to give you the easy class next year.”
Esther chuckled. “A class where I didn’t have to break up fights would be appreciated.”
“I’ll get right to work on that. How is everything else going?” Chris had meant to check in with Esther over the last few weeks about the custody hearing that was fast coming up, but she hadn’t found time yet. She hated that she’d avoided it too because she was usually the first person to offer support.
“My lawyer says it's open and shut.”
“But it’s Skip.”
“Yeah, it’s Skip.” They shared a knowing look. “I can’t help but wonder what bomb he’s going to throw next.”
“Hopefully none.” Chris heard Ash’s voice down the hall. She glanced at the door, waiting for them to come in, her heart in her throat. Why was she so keen on seeing Ash? Especially with the way they had left everything earlier that week.
Esther must have heard them too, because she faced the door as well. All personal conversation ceased. Avonlee stepped into the room first, and she didn’t look happy, but neither did her mother. Ash was still gorgeous, just as the day Chris had met her again, but she looked harried. Her hair didn’t look like it had been washed in days, and the dark rings under her eyes were deep and purple. Concern flashed through Chris, but she couldn’t comment on it. She knew where they stood, and the fact that she wanted it verbally said didn’t mean anything.
“Come in, sit down,” Esther said. Chris was thankful Esther spoke because her voice had lodged in her throat and refused to work.
Ash sat across from Chris and Avonlee across from Esther. Chris would let Esther do most of the talking since this was her show. Chris was there as an administrative presence and to guarantee that the behavior plan was going to be enforced.
The meeting went well, and quickly. Ash and Avonlee agreed to everything, and Ash kept sending her daughter furtive glances like she was going to blow up again. Chris could only hope that this was the wake up call Avonlee needed to start controlling herself a bit better. She was lucky Kelli’s family decided not to file charges, though that was probably because of the history of bullying she had at the school.
Throughout the entire meeting, all Chris wanted was to snag five minutes alone with Ash and talk to her. Just talk like they used to, get some things out in the open and on the floor so they could maybe find some peace with this. Especially since they’d be seeing a lot of each other for the next five years until Rhubie went to junior high.
“Ms. Dunja, can I ask you about the science homework?” Avonlee sounded so small. “I’ve tried a couple times to do it, but I just don’t understand it.”
“Sure.”
Chris nodded toward Ash. “Want to talk in my office for a minute?”
“Not really, no.” Even though she’d answered in the negative, Ash stood up and started toward the door.
Chris took that as her sign and stood to follow. They walked side by side down the hall in complete silence, the tension in her chest rising, and she realized belatedly that Ash might think this was related to Avonlee. She stopped sharply and touched Ash’s arm lightly to get her attention. “I’m sorry, I didn’t make it clear that this wasn’t about school stuff.”
Ash’s lips parted in surprise, and Chris knew she’d been right to realize Ash’s assumption. Ash glanced back toward the classroom, her shoulders stiff. “I guess now is as good a time as any.”
Chris disagreed with that. A week and a half ago would have been preferable, but since that hadn’t happened, this was better than nothing. They continued to walk, the silence strained between them. When they reached Chris’ office, she shut the door and closed her eyes briefly to center herself. She could do this. She’d thought about exactly what she would say for days now, and it needed to be said.
“I’m so sorry that I didn’t tell you before the meeting.” Chris couldn’t look at Ash. She was slowly being eaten by embarrassment and shame, and while she knew she shouldn’t be ashamed of her drinking problem, she was. Especially after learning about Mari. “I should have told you much sooner.”
“You should have.” Ash’s tone was terse.
Finally, Chris turned around. She looked directly into Ash’s eyes and the hurt she had stored in them. Chris felt that hurt viscerally in her own body. She wanted to make it vanish, disappear. But that was the problem with being a drunk—that pain never went away. She should have known better.
“I didn’t know how to tell you,” Chris murmured. “And quite honestly, I didn’t think one night was going to become anything else.”
“No, I understand that night. But after that?”
“After that I was a principal and you were a parent.” Chris crossed her arms, so uncomfortable with the conversation and knowing that it was one they needed to have. “To tell you then would be to jeopardize my career.”
“But after that,” Ash pushed. She stepped in closer to Chris, close enough that they could reach out and touch each other.
Oh, how Chris longed for that. She missed Ash’s arms wrapped around her, she missed the tender touches and soft kisses. But she held her ground. They weren’t there to touch or reconcile. They were there to hash this out, get the hurt feelings off their chests, and move forward in their separate directions.
“After that, yes, we should have talked. It’s my fault for not doing that.” Chris also wanted to add in that Ash had withheld as well, but she didn’t. That wouldn’t help the situation any. “I should have told you. But Ash, I was so scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“Because I know what you think of me.” Chris did. That had been why Ash ran out of that meeting, why she’d refused to have this conversation. Ash understood deeply just how fucked up Chris was and exactly what her addiction would do to someone and the people surrounding them. She was well within her right to protect herself. “I was scared because I knew what would happen as soon as you found out.”
There. She’d said it. That took more courage than anything Chris had done other than getting sober and talking to Katie. She put her hands out to her sides and looked Ash directly in the eye.
“I’m a drunk, Ash. I’ve been an alcoholic for about half my life, and I finally got sober almost two years ago. Two years next month. But that’s not a long time in the scheme of things.” Chris twisted her hands together. “I should have known better than to think something could work between us, and for that I truly apologize.”
Ash stilled. Chris wasn’t sure what was going through her mind. She wished she did, but it was hard enough to know what the tension was in the room. It was there, but she couldn’t name it.
“That’s all I wanted to say.”
“Yeah?” Ash said sharply. “Because I haven’t talked yet.”
“Then the floor is open.” Chris waved her hand out in front of her, but she tensed, waiting for the other shoe to drop. She’d known it would. Now was the time for Ash to let loose that anger.
“You’re an idiot, you know that?”
“Yup.” Chris squared her shoulders. She was so glad she’d shut the door so that no one could just accidentally walk in on them. “I do know that.”
Ash shook her head slowly, stepping in closer. Why was she standing so close? Chris needed her to back up and put some space between them. “You deserve to find happiness, Chris. Andry told you that, right?”
She had. Chris regretted sharing that information with Ash now. She swallowed hard, ready to refute that argument.
“Stop. You do deserve to find happiness, and two years sober is a damn good thing to be proud of. That’s not what the issue is.”
Chris furrowed her brow, confused now. “If the issue isn’t that, then what is it?”
Ash sighed, moving in even closer. They now stood nearly toe to toe. Chris had to tilt her chin up to look into Ash’s eyes. It was like Ash was going to lean in and kiss her, but that couldn’t be right, could it? They were fighting. They were breaking up. What was going on?
Reaching out, Ash touched the side of Chris’ face. She flitted her fingers over her cheek, and then over her lips. “Chris, you deserve the world, but I can’t give it to you.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I know.” Ash gave a sad smile. “I know you don’t, and that’s okay. Because you can’t possibly understand. You can’t possibly know why.”
Chris’ stomach sank. She did know. Avonlee had told her, and again, it only confirmed what she’d been thinking all along. Ash couldn’t be with a drunk, not someone who could have so easily made the same mistakes Mari had. Chris had done that. She’d driven drunk more times than she could count. She’d hidden her drinking for years and no one knew. She was exactly the woman Ash had left behind, and she knew she was the woman Ash would never want in her life again.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” Ash whispered.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” Chris repeated, hoping that her words would sink in. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“I know.” Ash’s look saddened. “I guess it’s just the way it’s supposed to be, don’t you think?”
“Unfortunately.”
Ash leaned in, her head tilting down and her lips parting. Was Ash going to kiss her? Chris’ heart caught in her throat. Her brain told her to move back, but her heart told her to lean in. As a result, she was left frozen to the spot, unmoving and waiting to see what Ash was going to do next. Ash looked at her directly in the eye.
