Maybe someday, p.23
Maybe Someday, page 23
“They do,” Chris agreed. “All of them do.”
Leaning forward, Chris stared at her folded hands. Mel was right. She had to stop second guessing herself. Avonlee deserved this. She checked her watch and cocked her head at Mel. “Well, it’s pizza time.”
“Wait, what? You waited until now to ask me this?”
Chris shrugged. “Avonlee was a last minute addition to the party, and I just needed someone to talk to.”
Mel grinned at her. “I’m always here to listen. You know that.”
“Of course I do. Why do you think I’m here?”
Chris was lighter as she went back to her office to check on the pizza order. They were going to eat it in her office since there were only six students from the fifth and sixth grade classes who would be joining her. It would just be a matter of time before she had to deal with Ash again. She knew it. And she needed to steel herself for when that moment came.
Chris stepped out into the sunshine, needing the warm rays on her face. It had been a long quarter and an even longer year. The second year sober was harder than the first in some ways. In others it was easier, but it still wasn’t anything she would wish on anyone. She shoved her hands into her pockets, the lanyard jingling around her neck as she walked.
Kids already raced by her as they ran to their parents. The older kids left the school without really giving her a second glance. Chris smiled as she watched them go. The sixth graders were ready for seventh, and to leave her school to go to the next. She sighed. Most of them were ready, anyway. Not all of them. That was going to be baptism by fire for those few. But they’d get there eventually. Sink or swim.
The noise was what Chris craved. The energy that was pure joy and happiness. She longed for that every day, which was what made the summers so long to begin with. As much as she needed the break, some days, she needed this more.
The breeze was wonderful against her cheeks. Anthony spotted her from his door and ran over, wrapping his arms around her hips in one of the biggest hugs he had given her to date. She ruffled his hair before glancing over at his mother and smiling. “What’s happening, Anthony?”
“Nothing! Mom says we’re going to go to Denver this weekend.”
“Oh?” Chris raised an eyebrow at him. “What are you doing in Denver?”
“Aquarium! I’ve never been there before.” His eyes grew wide as saucers.
“I have. You’ll love it.”
He nodded voraciously before running to the playground. He usually stuck around there until his mother was ready to leave and then she’d collect him.
When had spring crept up on her? She’d just been in the throes of winter a few days ago, wasn’t she? Walking over to where Mel stood with her class, waiting for straggler parents to arrive, Chris doled out more hugs and praises for her students.
Mel waved at her and came to stand closer, wrapping her arms against her body to protect her from the chill that was still in the air. Chris wasn’t bothered by it. She rarely was.
“How did pizza with the principal go?”
“Good.” Chris smiled. “Like always.”
Mel rolled her eyes. “And Ash?”
Chris shrugged. “Haven’t seen her yet.”
“Uh huh, and you’re not out here for any particular reason…like looking for her?”
Shooting Mel a dirty look, Chris paused. “No, why would I be doing that?”
“Because I know you. And you like to play with fire.”
“Ha. Ha.” Chris looked across the playground. “Saw Anthony. He said he was going to Denver this weekend.”
“Hmm. He is.” Mel frowned a little more than Chris expected. “Hearing is coming up, and Esther wants to spend as much fun time with him as she possibly can. In case it goes sideways.”
Nerves hit Chris squarely. “I can understand that one.”
“Yeah, I think everyone can.”
“Dr. Murphey!” Rhubie raced toward her, wrapping arms around her much like Anthony had.
Chris hugged her back. She was about to step away from her when Avonlee came up to her, shyly. If she was younger or more demure, she probably would be scuffing her foot against the gravel.
“Thank you,” Avonlee said, her voice muffled, but Chris heard it.
She would hear it anywhere. “For what?”
“For the pizza.”
Chris grinned broadly. She bent down a little to make sure that Avonlee saw her eyes. “You deserved it, kid. That’s why you were chosen to join in the party and the reward today. I promise you. I didn’t pick your name for it. Ms. Dunja did.”
Avonlee’s eyes widened, and she looked up to Chris with a brilliant grin, one that was easy. Chris imagined she didn’t do that often, and she was so glad to witness it now.
“You earned it, Avonlee. I’m so proud of you for it, too. You’ve done amazing changing your behavior this quarter. It’s like you’re a whole new kid.” Chris straightened back up, looking around for Ash. When would she ever stop doing that?
“One you like?”
Chris had to pause and remember what she’d said before she answered. She gave Avonlee a serious look and nodded. “Yeah, a kid I like for sure. You’re now one of my top kids going into sixth grade next year. That’s exciting. I know I can count on you for things like morning announcements and helping out in the office if you want.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah, if you want.” Chris put her hands on her hips. “Of course, I’d want you to help out.”
“That’d be awesome!” Avonlee bounced in her shoes.
“There you are.” Ash’s cool tones reached Chris’ ears. Immediately, every nerve in her body was ready for whatever was going to come her way. Chris clenched her jaw and turned to look for Mel as a distraction and a way out of this conversation, but Mel had already gone back inside, leaving Chris alone with Avonlee, Rhubie, and Ash.
What the hell was she doing?
“I had pizza with Dr. Murphey today!” Avonlee proudly proclaimed.
Chris cringed. She hadn’t wanted to be around for this conversation and unlike with the golden tickets, she didn’t make calls home to families for this one. She sucked in a breath and rolled up on her toes. How could she get out of this conversation?
“Did you?” Ash asked. “Why’s that?”
But Ash wasn’t looking at Avonlee. She was staring directly at Chris.
“I earned it!”
“She did.” Chris added. “It’s a reward for kids who have made improvements during the last quarter. Avonlee was one of six students who earned it.”
“Interesting.” Ash hadn’t dropped her gaze from Chris. Her eyes were direct and curious, as if she had a question on the tip of her tongue and wasn’t willing to let the words loose.
“Not really. I do them once a quarter for the first three quarters of the year.” Chris shrugged. “It was good seeing you, Ash.”
Chris ducked her chin and turned on her toes. She headed straight for the closest door, swiping her badge to get inside. As soon as she was safely in the hall with the door closed behind her, Chris made her way to her office. That had gone way better than she’d expected it to. Now if she could only manage to keep it like that for the next four and a half years. It would get easier, right?
Chapter Thirty
“What am I doing?”
Ash sat in her car outside of Chris’ apartment. She should have called or texted first. She should have done anything to alert Chris to the fact that she wanted to talk. Instead, she was sitting outside like some crazy stalker or something. Chris would turn her away in seconds flat.
As she should.
So what was she doing there?
Ash still hadn’t fully answered that question for herself except that she wanted to see Chris again, and that she wanted to specifically see her outside of any work environment. Chris had been giving her the cold shoulder, not that she was mean or cruel, but she’d been completely professional. She talked to Ash like they hadn’t formed any kind of relationship.
But they had.
And over the past weeks, Ash realized that she wanted that back in her life. She wasn’t sure how it all was going to work out in the end, but she missed the close connection they shared. It was as if someone from her past understood where she was coming from, someone other than her family. Dragging in a deep breath, Ash forced herself out of her car.
She walked slowly to Chris’ door, and when she knocked, she held her breath. What was she doing? This was crazy talk. She never would have thought about this happening before, ever. She’d been adamant for the last two years that there was no one out there for her other than Mari and that was how it was going to be.
It had been a poor decision to close herself off from possibilities.
Her knuckles were cold and ached when she rapped them against the steel door. Ash had spent the better part of the last four weeks finishing a novel she swore she’d never write. But it was done, and she knew what she was going to do now. This had to work. Just like everything in her novel had wrapped up, she needed a conclusion to this. One that was far more satisfying than what they’d found.
The doorknob turned. Ash’s heart moved into her throat, her entire body poised and ready for the insanity that was her plan. She could do this. The door creaked open, and Chris’ beautiful and confused face peered out from the crack. She opened it wider, and relief flooded through Ash.
One step at a time.
“Hi,” Ash said awkwardly. This part she should have planned better. Words were where she thrived, but it was written words, not verbal. “Um…do you have a minute?”
“A minute?” Chris squared her shoulders, looking past Ash before locking eyes on her again. She didn’t open the door wider, and she didn’t step back from it. “What’s going on?”
“I just wanted to talk.”
“We don’t have anything to talk about,” Chris countered.
Ash knew that. They’d made it very clear where the boundaries were, and once again, she was the one forcing their hands into talking about something Chris was resistant to. But Ash had to know—was she only resistant because Ash had told her no?
“I know.” Ash rubbed her lips together, flexing her fingers as she tried to find words. “I know I put that boundary up. I was wondering if we could take it down. If only for the rest of today.”
Chris’ eyes widened. Her thin lips parted, and her chest rose as she took a deep breath. Ash was prepared to be told off because this was insanity. She knew it. They were playing tug of war with whatever was between them, but Ash was here to surrender. She was here to let both of them win—at least she hoped that’s how this conversation went.
But with the look on Chris’ face, Ash started to doubt this was as mutual as she had hoped. Once again, nerves bloomed into her chest, and she was left standing on the other side of the door like an idiot. She should have called or texted. She should have done something to warn Chris that she wanted to have this talk or give Chris the chance to tell her no, now’s not a good time.
“Why are you here, Ash?” Chris finally asked, her tone strong and forceful.
Ash was about to balk and back away, but when she looked into Chris’ eyes, she saw pain and hurt. She’d caused that. She knew it without a doubt, and she wanted to assuage it. “I was wrong.”
“You were wrong?”
Ash nodded. “I thought I was right, but I wasn’t, and I know that I hurt both of us with that choice. Moving here was a hard decision to make, but I realize now how much better it was for me and the girls. I need to be here.”
Ash was making a mess of this conversation. Her eyes prickled with tears as she struggled to find any words that made sense.
“I need to be here because I have support here, and I have hope here. I have hope.” That was what she’d been looking for. “I have hope because you showed me that love isn’t in the past for me, and I can have that again. I’m not just a grieving widow.”
“You were never just a grieving widow.”
“I know, but I wanted to be.” Ash held her ground. She didn’t move closer to Chris or farther away. She looked Chris directly in the eye when she spoke next. “I wanted to be stuck.”
“And now?”
“Now I’ve changed my mind.”
Chris pursed her lips, her gaze dragging down and up Ash’s body, making her shiver in the intensity. Ash held her breath until suddenly Chris stepped back from the door and let Ash inside. They moved to the couch, the same place they’d first had sex. The connection wasn’t lost on Ash. She was tense as she sat down, her shoulders tight and her chest heavy as though a weight rested on it.
“What have you changed your mind about?” Chris asked slowly, staring down at something on the floor.
Ash pulled her lip between her teeth. Now she really had to find the right words for this. “For a relationship.”
“With me? Or in general?”
Ash’s jaw dropped. She reached over and touched Chris’ hands, drawing her attention up. “With you.”
“But I’m a drunk, Ash. I don’t keep that a secret.”
“Yeah.” Ash blinked slowly. “You’re a sober drunk.”
“Two years last month. That’s it.”
“That’s nothing small. That’s huge. Two years…” Ash stared at Chris dumbfounded. “Do you not see how amazing that is?”
“Ash, it was very clear that you didn’t want to be in a relationship because of my drinking. So I need to know why now—all of a sudden—you’re changing your mind.”
Holding onto Chris’ hand was her lifeline. Chris’ skin was smooth and warm against her own, and Ash didn’t want to let go. That was just the thing. She didn’t want to walk out of here without taking a risk on happiness.
“I found happiness with you that I wasn’t ever expecting to find again.”
“You can find it somewhere else.”
“I might. I might be able to.” Ash looked directly into Chris’ eyes, her heart in her throat when she said the next few words. “But I don’t want to look anywhere else. I’m choosing to look only at you.”
“I don’t think this is a good idea.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m a drunk, Ash, and I know what that means. And with Mari also being a drunk and not just that, but the circumstances surrounding her death, I can’t understand why you would want to take that risk with someone like me.”
The air was sucked right out of Ash’s lungs. She squeezed Chris’ hand tightly, scared she was going to stand up and kick her out, right when they were getting to the meat of the conversation. “Because you’re worth it.”
“I’m not.”
“Shut up and listen to what I’m saying. You’re worth it, Chris. You have done a whole lot of work to get to where you are right now, and I don’t get any sense that you’re willing to let yourself slide backward. You aren’t Mari in so many ways, and I’m choosing to focus on that because it’s impossible not to see.” Ash lifted Chris’ hand to her lips, pressing a small kiss to the top of her hand.
“I screw things up. You don’t want to be with me.”
“I do. That’s the thing.” Ash turned Chris’ chin so they were facing each other. She needed to look into Chris’ eyes when she said this. She needed Chris to see the honesty in her gaze. “I do want to be with you.”
“You don’t.”
Ash chuckled. “You can tell me all day what you think I want, but you’re not me. And I do want you.”
“I’m going to mess this up.”
“We’re both going to mess up. That’s just part of being human. What matters is how you fix it and move forward.”
Chris dragged in a slow, deep breath and shook her head. “I’ve worked so hard to keep a distance from you, and do you know what I’ve learned?”
“What?” Ash felt Chris soften instantly, as if the resistance that she’d opened the door with was completely gone. Elation burned through Ash. Was this actually happening?
“It’s impossible to resist you.”
Ash grinned, her entire body warming with hope. “So what does that mean?”
“I don’t know.” Chris flipped her hand over and laced their fingers. “Would I like this? Yes. But there are so many complications, and so much already between us. I’m not sure we can work through that.”
“Can we try?” Ash held on to the flimsy hope that she had, needing it to exist in her life in what little way was possible. Without it, she wasn’t sure what her life would look like going forward. Now that she’d found that flutter of happiness, she didn’t want to give it up.
“What does that mean for you?”
“Starting to do something different tonight. It means we set apart time for each other. We text and call and do relationship things.” Ash furrowed her brow, not quite understanding why Chris wasn’t getting this. A relationship wasn’t that hard, was it?
“And when it doesn’t go well?”
“Then we talk to each other, and we listen to each other. Look, I don’t expect this to be perfect, nor do I expect you to be perfect. This is us just trying to navigate every moment together.” Ash squeezed Chris’ hand, and then she waited. This was Chris’ time to figure everything out. And all Ash could do was listen for what Chris was thinking and feeling.
“I don’t think this is going to go well.”
Ash understood Chris’ hesitation. She tended toward the fatalistic even if she didn’t always share that was her viewpoint. Waiting again to see if Chris was going to continue, Ash gave in when the silence continued between them. “Are you willing to risk that it might actually go well?”
Chris slowly turned to look Ash in the eye, directly. Her lips parted, her breath coming in long slow drags. Ash was entranced by Chris’ mouth, the shape of her lips, the small little lines around the edges, the pale pink natural color.
“Yeah,” Chris answered. “Yeah, I think I am.”
Ash grinned. She leaned in, tenderly pressing their mouths together in a light kiss. “I’m so sorry I didn’t figure this out sooner and that I hurt you in the process. I didn’t intend to.”
