Daisy plucked, p.2
Daisy, Plucked, page 2
“Why don’t we come over with pizza soon? Pick a day,” Henry said, trying to steer Noriko back. The lost-looking woman gave a nod and glanced past the family where Hana’s uncle was walking up. He took Nori’s hand and gave it a squeeze before turning to the Polos and hugging each of them in turn. Daisy didn’t want to hug him, but she reminded herself that her grief didn’t give her an excuse to be rude, especially to other people who loved Hana.
“Thanks for coming you guys. It means a lot. I think they’re going to say the prayers now, Nori. Would you like to sit?” Dennis asked.
“Yes, that sounds good. And the flowers have — oh yes, there they are. Great. They brought them from the church.” Noriko reached out to Hana’s casket to touch the bouquets that were at the front of the church with ribbons that said “daughter” and “friend” on a few of them. Daisy vaguely remembered her dad telling her he was ordering one on her and Will’s behalf, but there were so many she didn’t know which was “from” them.
Dennis steered Noriko to the front row of chairs and the two of them sat down next to the other members of Hana’s family. Will wrapped an arm around Daisy’s shoulders, and they walked together to stand behind the family’s chairs. She felt like a widow, but Will was the only one here that knew Daisy and Hana were together. Daisy wasn’t ready to come out before, and she stood by that, but at Hana’s grave, her old problems felt insignificant. She didn’t know if any of her fears ever really mattered or if she just convinced herself they did.
The same priest from the church said a few words, but Daisy was too focused on what would happen after he finished speaking to really listen.
How could she say her final goodbyes to Hana’s body — the body that held Daisy and loved her and was there for her for thirteen years? She wished this was really the end, that it brought her some sort of closure, but she knew it wouldn’t. Just because Hana would be at rest didn’t mean that Daisy would be able to sleep at night.
The priest finished and soon Daisy’s family was walking forward, though they were relegated to the back of the line of mourners. She didn’t want to cry, but she couldn’t stop it from happening. Will handed her another tissue, and she held it under her nose with one hand but made no attempt to stop her tears.
When it was her turn, she placed her hand on the casket, and it was sun warm and glossy under her fingertips. She took a deep breath and tried to imagine she was holding Hana’s hand one last time.
She wanted to throw herself into the grave, to go with Hana, to never leave her side, but she couldn’t do that, especially here where no one knew what Hana meant to her. Besides, Hana had broken up with her before she died. If Hana chose this, chose to die, chose to leave Daisy not just once but twice, maybe Daisy was a fool for wanting to go with her.
She rested her forehead on the back of her hand, saying a silent goodbye to her first love, and stood for a long moment. Will put his hand on her shoulder, and she pulled away, leaning into his side while they walked to the car.
“Dad, can we go home?” Will asked. Relief crashed over Daisy.
If she went to the funeral luncheon, she might start demanding that others qualify their grief. She wanted to ask how they were so hurt when Hana never liked them that much, when they never loved Hana like Daisy did. Some of the people she saw in the church were outright homophobic to her, some of them barely talked to her, and some of them were just there for the spectacle. To them, the funeral of a rich, pretty, gay girl who killed herself was nothing more than the event of the summer season.
“I’ll drop you two off at home,” Henry said. “I still want to go to the luncheon. You all saw ... Well, Nori needs friends right now. I mean, God, first Mark and now ... Thank god for Dennis.” Daisy held in a scowl at the name of Hana’s paternal uncle.
Daisy wasn’t a fan of Dennis, but she wasn’t going to tell her dad that Hana and Dennis never got along. If Hana could see the way that Dennis was acting, maybe she would think he really cared about her. Then again, if Hana saw the way he was holding Noriko, she probably would’ve lost her mind.
When Henry dropped them off, Will immediately went for the keys to the car he’d gotten as a gift for his seventeenth birthday. It was used and almost as old as Daisy, but she still envied his ability to go wherever he wanted anytime. She’d failed her driving test two times because she couldn’t parallel park, and her dad used it as an excuse to not get her a car. Will caught her jealous stare and gave her a weak smile.
“Come on, let’s go get frozen custard,” he said. Daisy smiled at him, her first genuine smile in days.
“I’m sorry no one knew,” Will said once they were in the car. Of course he knew that part of the reason she was upset was because no one knew why she was so upset. Daisy swallowed back her tears before responding.
“She said that she understood me never coming out after that big fight we got in a few years ago, but I’m not sure ... I mean, maybe the secret wasn’t worth it.” Daisy tried to figure out how to word her thoughts. Her mind felt like the tin of loose embroidery floss she had used to make friendship bracelets with Hana when they were younger. She couldn’t follow one thread long enough to finish untangling it before she started following another, and the mess never got smaller. It just changed shape.
“She knew, you know.” Will glanced at her. “She knew how much you loved her. And, I mean, you have to know that she loved you, too.” There was something in the way that Will spoke that put Daisy on edge.
“She literally broke up with me a week before she died because she cheated on me. We — it was over. For good that time, and now I feel like ... Maybe if I’d reached out, maybe if I hadn’t just gone radio silent, maybe she wouldn’t have—”
“Hey, you can’t blame yourself. Whatever Hana’s reasons were ... she made her choices,” he said, his voice thick like he was trying not to cry.
“I wish she’d left a note. I wish I, well, we, knew ... I mean, I didn’t think she was struggling so much.”
“Honestly, breaking up with you, burning that bridge, giving you the truth about what she did ... Maybe that was her version of a note. For you, at least. They say sometimes when people kill themselves, they start saying their goodbyes weeks in advance,” Will said, sounding like he was parroting something he read.
“Where did you learn that?” Daisy asked. She knew there had to be signs she hadn’t seen. At first, she hadn’t been able to believe it of her best friend. Daisy spent the first few days after Hana’s death thinking there had to be some mistake, that Hana actually died from an accident or a home robbery gone wrong or anything other than suicide. She didn’t tell anyone about her doubts, and when she overheard her father discussing with Dennis that Hana was killed from a point blank gunshot wound, one that could only be caused from the gun being in her mouth when it went off, she let go of her doubts.
“I ... Well, I wanted to know what signs I missed. So I just looked into it a little bit,” Will admitted sheepishly.
“Oh. Well, you know, Hana loved you too. Even if she didn’t say goodbye, she did.”
“Yeah, I ... I know she did. In her own way,” Will said, his voice cracking. He was right, Hana always had her own way of doing everything, even loving people. She might not have said it, but she did always keep Will’s favorite snacks stocked for impromptu movie nights at her house, always sent him random care packages whenever Daisy mentioned in passing that he had a hard exam coming up or a long paper to write.
“She did everything in her own way,” Daisy said. They were quiet until they pulled into the frozen custard stand’s small parking lot. When they walked up to the window to order, a classmate of Daisy’s, Jake, was working. She didn’t really want to talk to him, but she was already here.
“Daisy! Hey! I like your dress,” he said.
“Oh, um, thanks,” Daisy said, unsure how to respond. He looked confused by her reaction, but when he took in Will’s outfit, and the stormy look on Will’s face, it seemed to dawn on him why she was dressed up.
“Oh, shit,” he said under his breath before adding, “I’m, uh, sorry about Hana.” He said it like he was required to, and the lack of emotion annoyed Daisy. He could choose to say nothing, but instead he brought her up like he deserved to have her name in his mouth.
“Thanks. Can we get two chocolate almonds?” Will asked, saving Daisy from having to figure out how to respond.
“Coming right up. On the house,” he said, not even touching the cash register next to the window. Daisy gave him a small, polite smile with no teeth. He disappeared for a moment and came back with their cones.
“Here you guys go.” He paused and scribbled something on a napkin. “And if you ever need to talk—” he handed her the napkin inscribed with a phone number.
“Oh. Thanks,” Daisy replied, her voice sounding fake and flat even to her own ears. The boy gave an awkward, hopeful smile that fell off his face the moment he saw the glare Will was giving him. He quickly turned his attention to the next customers in line, stammering out a hello while the Polos walked away.
“That sucked,” Will said.
“Yeah. Can’t even escape the pity at Abbots. Maybe we should dye our hair and change our names?” Daisy proposed, earning a chuckle from Will.
The Polo siblings were pretty recognizable with their matching red hair and freckles, and everyone knew that they were friends with Hana. Daisy was no longer her own person. She was just the poor best friend of that girl who killed herself. Daisy had deleted all her social media apps off her phone the day after Hana died so she wouldn’t have to see the posts about suicide awareness that swept through the town, and she stopped responding to a majority of the condolence texts days earlier. The only ones she answered were the ones from Hana’s college friends, some of the only people who knew about Hana and Daisy.
On the drive home Daisy used the napkin with the boy’s number on it to catch custard dripping towards her fingertips. She should feel bad for dismissing the boy so easily, but she didn't. All she felt was exhausted. Maybe now if she lay down she would finally be able to rest.
When they got home, the siblings relaxed into a comfortable silence and finished their frozen custard on the front porch. They didn’t need to say anything to know how the other felt — the grief hung all around them like particles of dust caught in a sunbeam. Daisy was glad for a split second that her brother was leaving for a study abroad trip in a few weeks so she would get a break from witnessing his grief alongside her own.
“I’m going to take a nap,” Daisy declared after she finished her cone.
“That’s a good idea,” Will said, “I might do that too once I’m done.” Daisy nodded at him and walked into the house where she was greeted by the cool blast of air conditioning.
She went to her room and pulled on an old sweatshirt that Hana borrowed so many times it was practically hers alongside a pair of SUNY New Paltz sweatpants she bought when she visited Hana at college. Hana was always too petite to have anything that would fit Daisy comfortably, so this was as close as she could get to wearing Hana’s clothes to sleep.
She woke up to the feeling of someone brushing her hair back from her face. She sighed and leaned into the touch, and when she opened her eyes, she saw Hana’s deep brown almond shaped eyes. Hana was there, lying next to her on the bed, her face inches from Daisy’s. For a moment, Daisy forgot that this wasn’t right, and when she remembered, she frowned but reached up to hold the hand in place.
“This is a nice dream,” Daisy said, breaking the silence.
Hana rolled her eyes. “This isn’t a dream, Daisy.”
“I was just at your funeral. Of course this is a dream.”
“I’m really here. Well, not really, but my spirit or ghost or whatever you want to call it is here,” Hana said. It was Daisy’s turn to roll her eyes.
“Let’s not argue. We always argue. C’mon dream-Hana, let’s just lie here,” Daisy said.
Hana looked annoyed and pinched Daisy’s cheek. Daisy jerked backwards and sat up.
“You’re awake, Lazy Daisy, and I’m really here, and I need your help.”
“Why do you call me Lazy Daisy? You know I hate it,” Daisy mumbled, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. She was still convinced this was a dream, but the usual haze wasn’t there. She looked around her room, expecting something to be off, but this dream was surprisingly accurate. She could even read the time on the clock, three hours since she fell asleep, and the calendar on her wall was scribbled with all the right appointments and reminders. She turned to the self-proclaimed ghost and waited for her answer.
“Because you’re too good for me, and I feel the need to demean you to bring you down to my level,” Hana finally said, looking uncomfortable.
“I ... what? If you’re real, you never would’ve admitted that. Or even thought that. Don’t you have that whole thing about only saying things you mean? You’ve used it as an excuse to insult me enough times,” Daisy said.
“I’m dead. It’s bringing out a whole new side of me.”
Hana reached forward and Daisy leaned back.
“Alternately, I’m just asleep right now and you’re saying what I want to hear.”
“So you agree that you’re better than me? Kind of a dick move, Day.”
“Jesus Christ,” Daisy muttered.
“Don’t take the lord’s name in vain.”
“What, are you guys buddies now?” Daisy snorted.
“I’m trapped in the in-between. Not sure what comes next. But just in case, I figured I’ll stick to the rules.”
Daisy sighed and took the bait Hana so nicely put on the hook in front of her. “Why are you in the in-between, Hana?”
“Because I didn’t kill myself.”
“What do you mean you didn’t kill yourself?” Daisy’s chest seized before her pulse sped up. This was a dream. It had to be. Only her own subconscious would be aware of the doubts she had about Hana’s death.
“I mean I didn’t kill myself. Did you go deaf in the last week?”
“No, I didn’t. But you — this is just proving that all of this isn’t real. You committed suicide.”
“No, I didn’t. I wasn’t done living yet. I wasn’t done with living yet.”
“Sure. That really proves the whole ‘not a dream’ thing.”
“I was murdered!” Hana yelled, standing off the bed and knocking an empty water bottle off Daisy’s bedside table.
“You killed yourself!” Daisy snapped back. She held eye contact with Hana and battled a yawn that was threatening to overtake her. Even while she was dreaming, she couldn’t rest.
“No, I didn’t! And you have to figure out who killed me. If you don’t then I have to be trapped in this limbo for God knows how long.”
“Don’t use the lord’s name in vain,” Daisy snarked back.
“Oh, shut up. You know what I mean. I just — Daisy, I need your help. Sorry I’m coming across all weird, I’m just ... this place is messing with my mind. And you’re the only one that can help me.”
“Then just tell me who murdered you,” Daisy said.
“I ... I don’t know who it was.”
“How do you know you were murdered if you don’t know who did it?”
“Well, I know I wouldn’t kill myself, so even if my last few hours alive are gone from my memory, I’m certain that nothing could’ve happened that would make me kill myself. I mean, you’re still alive, and my mom is too, and there’s not really anything else that would’ve driven me to ... that.”
“Sure. Very convincing dream-Hana. Or hallucination-Hana if we’re going for some alliteration,” Daisy said, lying back down. She longed to go back to her usual nonsensical dreams.
“I can’t move on until I know, and you’re the only person who can figure it out. Please, you have to believe me, you’re my only chance,” Hana pleaded. She looked more panicked than Daisy had ever seen her. Daisy looked up at her ceiling in an attempt to avoid the figure in the corner of her vision.
“Well, give me a clue or a hint or something that can help me solve your supposed murder. Convince me this is real,” Daisy said. Hana was silent for a moment, biting her lip and twirling a strand of her shoulder length black hair as she weighed out each piece of information she held before deciding how much Daisy could carry with her.
“I never knew you were this skeptical,” Hana muttered, pausing for a minute before hesitantly adding, “I left clues about what got me killed. Starting with a note. You can figure it out if you turn over enough stones.” Hana looked earnest and pleading and a little bit scared, and Daisy didn’t know if she had ever seen Hana that way in her life. It was unsettling.
“Alright, I’ll make sure to check that out for you, totally real ghost-Hana,” Daisy said, trying to come off as annoyed, but falling short. She hoped this wasn’t a stress-induced hallucination. She didn’t have time to lose her mind right now.
“You’re infuriating, you know that?”
“You told me it enough times,” Daisy muttered.
“Just ... I can’t convince you that I’m real right now, I know that. Just keep me in mind, okay?”
“As if I’m going to forget you anytime soon.” Daisy settled back into bed.
“I know. I’m sorry things had to be this way. This isn’t what I wanted, I promise. I was going to come back to you.”
“That sounds just like something that belongs in a dream,” Daisy said, her eyes drooping shut. Hana sighed and sat down next to Daisy on the bed, going back to stroking her cheek. The next time that Daisy woke up, she was alone once again.
