Illicit acollection, p.123
Illicit: A Contemporary Romance Collection, page 123
I smack her arm and hear her laugh lightly, but I can’t pull my eyes away from the man staring in my direction. “The man,” I answer automatically.
“Yes,” Rina and Aria say in unison. “Definitely the man,” Aria finishes.
“Are you coming, Carolina, or are you going to stand there staring at me?” he calls out. Aria, Rina, and Margot all let out simultaneous simpers. “Morning, ladies. Hope brunch went well.”
“Stop flirting with my friends.”
His lips spread into a full smile, complete with perfect white teeth and everything. “Then get your beautiful arse over here already.”
“Keep your shirt on, I’ll be right there,” I yell at him across the street and I can hear him chuckle from here. I hug my ladies’ goodbye and then I run across the street, dodging an oncoming car until I’m on the sidewalk, standing in front of the passenger door. “Did you not think I was capable of getting back to your place on my own?”
Jonah grins up at me. “Get in, baby. I have something I want to do with you.”
“Are you kidnapping me for naughty, naked fun?”
“Unfortunately, not. But you’ll enjoy what I have in mind. Possibly.” He tilts his head and quirks an eyebrow. “Or you’ll kill me afterward.” I hesitate. “Come on,” he cajoles. “Where’s your sense of adventure?”
In my feet. Or maybe in my apartment along with the rest of the mess that is my life.
I open the car door and slide into the buttery soft dark gray leather. This car is nice. Like holy wow nice, and if I had any illusions about Jonah’s money before, this car destroys them. “Did you steal this car?”
He smirks at me, leaning over and kissing the spot just below my ear. He smells like sunshine and fresh air and laundry and heaven. “I’m an Englishman by birth, Carolina,” is all he says like it explains everything. Maybe it does. His lips press into mine, his tongue sweeping into my mouth, tangling with my own as he deepens the kiss. His hands rake through my hair. After I’m good and worked up and probably panting, he pulls back. “Are you ready?”
“Ready,” I echo faintly. Because I am. I’m ready for the fun. I’m ready for adventure. I’m ready for anything and everything this man has to throw at me. Anything that will erase Matt and the nightmare that is my life and what is left of my home from my mind. Even temporarily. I’m not going to second-guess any of that. Escapism is real shit and I’m all about it today. I’m not going to think beyond the moment. Because like I told my girls, I’m happy with this half-baked thing Jonah and I have. Life is short and oftentimes ugly and hard. I’m learning that the hard way.
That might stop some. The smarter people out there. The ones who learn from their mistakes.
But like I said, my eyes are open. Fling, not a relationship. He’s in love with his dead wife. Awesome. Fantastic. Let’s do this. Yeah, that’s not sarcastic at all. Those thoughts don’t bring on a painful ache in my chest that I’d rather not think about. Not at all.
I get a quick kiss on the lips and fall silent as my inner thoughts take over. Then we’re off, speeding south toward Plymouth through Boston traffic, which is surprisingly light for a Sunday in August. We spend the drive listening to music, discussing our preferences and watching the landscape pass as the warm summer wind whips through our hair. We talk a lot about medicine, which you’d think would be boring, but it’s not. I love telling stories of past cases and so does Jonah. His stories are super interesting, too. And before I know it, our ride in this incredibly cool car is over and we’re parking in a lot I would never imagine leaving a car like this in. Jonah doesn’t even blink twice as he grabs a small duffel bag from the tiny trunk and then takes my hand, leading me toward some weird outdoor park thing.
But then I catch the sign and stop dead in my tracks.
“No. No fucking way. I mean it. Absolutely not, Jonah.” He’s grinning at me. The smug bastard is actually grinning at me. And if I weren’t terrified of what I was seeing, I’d punch that smirk. Not hard, because he’s adorable, even like this, but enough so that it would hurt a little. “No,” I say one more time for emphasis, but I don’t think my point is getting across.
Fly Zone. That’s what this place is called. And from here, I can see all kinds of things like ropes courses suspended thirty feet off the ground, and tiny ass airplanes that look like they’re bound to kill you before you hit cruising altitude, and bungee jumping.
“You can’t live in fear of heights forever.”
I can’t even tear my petrified gaze away from the spectacle of terror in front of me. “See, that’s where you’re wrong. I can live my entire life on the ground. It’s the way gravity and physics intends it to be.”
“Just come check it out.”
I shake my head back and forth, back and forth, but he clasps my hand and drags me along the dirt and grass until we’ve entered. “Two for bungee jumping,” he tells the woman seated comfortably in a chair at ground level behind a counter.
“No. He’s lying. It’s just one.”
“It’s two. I can talk her into it. She’s the bravest woman I know.” Bastard.
20
Jonah
“I hate you.” Those are the first words out of her mouth after I pay for the tickets. She’s scared. Not just scared, terrified out of her bloody mind. She’s frozen in terror. Which makes me feel bad. I didn’t think she’d be this freaked out. I figured she’d be nervous and talk a mile a minute, since that’s what she does when she’s nervous, but this near silence is unsettling.
I hate you was the last thing she said to me. Now we’re in the restroom. I convinced the lady to let me take her into the single’s bathroom to calm her down and help her change. Halle didn’t argue, because Halle has gone near catatonic. I brought pink yoga pants and a yellow sports tank because you can’t bungee jump in a dress, and that’s all Halle wears unless she’s at work or exercising.
She steps into the pants almost reflexively and I swallow down a hint of guilt. “We’ll go home,” I say, because I don’t know what else to do. “Baby,” I whisper cautiously, like she’s some kind of feral animal, praying she’ll blink or respond. “I’m sorry. This was a mistake. I’ll take you home.”
She shakes her head. That’s it. Holy hell, I don’t know what to do.
I finish helping her dress and then I lock the bag up in one of the lockers they have to rent. I take her hand, leading her over to the ladder we have to climb to reach the platform. She’s still silent, almost robotic.
“Love,” I try again, squeezing her. “Let’s go, all right? I’ll have you back home in no time. We can do anything you want. Go see a film, go for a walk, catch the end of the Red Sox game in a pub.”
A man comes over to us, all big smiles and exuberance. He helps Halle step into her harness. She lets him. I’m too helpless and stunned by this change of events to do much other than watch.
I put on my own harness and once we’re both secure, I try again. “Let’s go, Halle. We don’t have to do this.”
Another headshake and then she starts to climb. Silently.
I follow after her, suddenly wary that she might leave me when all this is done. That she might genuinely hate me for bringing her here and talking her into this. That she might have finally hit her breaking point with me. And that thought . . . wow, it hits me square in the chest. It crushes me on some strange, elemental level.
I don’t want Halle to be done with me.
We reach the top of the platform, the heat of the sun overheating us as it blazes like a fireball over everything it touches. The ocean in the distance fills the air with its salty brine. Sweat slicks my forehead and back. The warm wind is fierce up here, whipping Halle’s hair in all directions, making us slightly unsteady on the wide platform. I reach out for Halle’s waist, trying to steady her, but she takes a faster step forward, forcing my hand to drop. I’ve really buggered up.
“Halle—”
She shakes her head, again, effectively silencing me.
Now I’m truly panicking, and it has nothing to do with the tremendous height we find ourselves at. I think it’s close to one hundred feet off the ground. There is a line of people ahead of us, three waiting their turn. As one of them goes free falling off the block, all arms and legs spread out like a starfish, screaming bloody murder, Halle spins to me, her pale blue eyes wild, her cheeks flushed, her limbs visibly trembling.
I take a step forward, desperate to pull her into me. To comfort her. To beg her to speak to me and promise me that I didn’t damage us beyond repair. I don’t want to lose you, Halle.
“I can’t believe I’m here.”
I practically sag in relief when she speaks.
“Jonah, I can’t believe I’m up here.” She looks to her left, down at the drop and her color fades, her pallor going completely ashen. “How did I let you do this? How did I let this happen? I can’t jump off this. I’ll die, right? I mean, people die bungee jumping, and here I am. I hate heights. Like seriously hate them. I might look all brave on the outside and put on a good show, but I’m a total scaredy-cat. And you can’t jump with me, Jonah.” She shakes her head. “I need to jump with you and you can’t and I—” She swallows. “I’m scared.” Her hands grip the thin cotton of my sweat-dampened T-shirt. “I’m scared of so much in my life right now. It’s overwhelming me. Matt and the calls and my apartment and the possibility of some crazy person stalking me and testifying and you. I’m crazy about you and . . . and I need you to jump with me.” She finds my eyes and pierces me with an intensity I have no name for. It sucks all the available oxygen from my lungs. I’m dying just from looking at her right now.
She’s not talking about the actual jump. At least, that’s not how this feels. She just admitted she’s crazy about me. And I’m . . . I blink, cupping her beautiful face and searching her eyes. They don’t look like they’re in touch with reality. What am I?
“Oh my God,” Halle cries out, interrupting my thoughts, which are plummeting faster than the woman who just jumped. “Look at her.” Halle begins to sag, her knees giving out. I reach out instinctively, wrapping her up in my arms. I can feel her heart pounding through her clothes and the rush of the wind.
“I’ve got you. I’m so sorry, Halle. So desperately sorry.” I hold her against me, kissing her face, her head, apologizing for so many, many things. What have I done? I’m constantly cocking things up. This woman trusts me, and I did this to her. Halle needs a man who can take care of her. Someone to love her without limits. Not someone to push her past her breaking point.
Madeline is dead because of me. Because I brushed off her symptoms. Fatigue. Lower back pain. Bloating. Weight loss. Heartburn. Painful intercourse. Menstrual irregularities. All separately vague and slightly unimpressive unless you put them together. But I told her it was nothing. Me, a doctor. She told me her symptoms and I chalked them up to a million different things. Horses, not zebras as Halle put it. She asked if she should get checked out and I suggested waiting a bit to see if they improved on their own.
There is no excuse for that. No rewinding the clock. I made a mistake and it cost me my wife. It cost Madeline her life.
She was diagnosed with stage three ovarian cancer. Ovarian cancer in a woman in her mid-twenties with no family history or a genetic link. My wife is dead and it’s all my fault because I brushed off her symptoms. And if all of that wasn’t fucked-up enough, I wasn’t there when she had a stroke and slipped into a coma. I was away at a motherfucking conference where I was a bloody speaker. She was gone, and I never got to say goodbye. Never got to tell her how sorry I am.
How much I love her one last time.
So Halle, this incredible, gorgeous, crazy woman who fills me with warmth and sunshine, deserves a better man. A man who is not me. I don’t deserve anything—certainly not her. I gave my heart, my soul, my life away years ago. Madeline still holds them. And there is no possible way I could ever love someone else when I’m still in love with my wife. Right?
Halle shakes her head against me, like she’s answering my unspoken question, telling my wrangled mind it’s wrong.
“Next,” the man running the show calls out.
Halle freezes in my arms.
“Let’s climb down.”
“No,” she pushes out, drawing back and meeting my eyes. “We’re here. I think it’s time I face my fears. I’m tired of always letting the bitch win. I’m so tired of being weak and scared to live my life. Of tolerating the status quo because risk is a daunting prospect.” She sucks in a deep breath, her composure slowly returning. Her head swivels over her shoulder and then back to me, her teeth worrying her bottom lip to the point I’m shocked she’s not drawing blood. “I want to do this. Only, will you go first?”
I lean in and kiss her. I kiss her in a way I don’t think I’ve ever kissed a woman before. Not even Madeline. It’s carnal. Sloppy. All teeth smashing and tongues fighting and breaths mingling. “I’ll go first, Carolina,” I breathe against her, my heart feeling like it’s trying to leap out of my chest and jump into hers. And I shouldn’t do that to her. So, I let her go and walk over to the man. I allow him to hook me to the thick cable that will prevent me from tumbling to my death. Then I jump.
Just. Like. That.
I jump, because I suddenly feel claustrophobic on the top of the open platform a hundred feet in the air. My stomach launches into my throat. A thrill courses through my chest as adrenaline pumps mercilessly in my veins. My eyes are open, wide, and I watch as the trees, vacant fields and even the ocean in the distance blur at the speed of my descent. But instead of exhilaration, I feel despair. Instead of full, I feel empty.
I swing back and forth like a pendulum on the bungee until I land on a thick, blue, cushion-like mat. There is a woman here to greet me and I answer her questions reflexively when she asks if I enjoyed it. Once I step out of the harness and climb down from the mat, I march off toward the trees, needing an extra moment and distance before I’m able to turn back and watch Halle.
She’s standing on the precipice of the jump platform, her copper hair glowing like red fire in the sun. My heart lurches in my chest at the sight of her. I’m in trouble. I know I need to pull back before this gets out of hand, but at that thought, my chest constricts like a vice. Too late for that, my brain chastises.
Halle doesn’t say anything before she jumps. She closes her eyes, and I see her chest rise as she heaves in a deep breath. Then she leaps like a diver, the picture of pure uncomplicated grace. She screams, but it’s the sort of scream that comes out in a thrill of excitement, and I find myself smiling at my brave girl. She whips back once, and when she flies forward once more, she locks eyes with me, her magnificent smile spreading from ear to ear.
When she’s on the ground and out of her harness, she flies over to me, catapulting herself up into my arms with an elated squeal. I catch her, holding her against me. She’s breathing fast, but her smile is unstoppable. “Oh my God, Jonah. Like holy shit, wow. That was incredible. The best thing ever. Thank you,” she whispers now. “Thank you so much for bringing me here. I feel like if I can get through that, I can get through anything. I was so afraid, and I did it anyway. Thank you.” Her lips crash into mine and I kiss her back with equal ardor, desperate to hold on this, onto her, for as long as I can before I have to stop.
If I can get through that, I can get through anything.
You’re my biggest fear. Losing you. Keeping you. Both in equal measures.
“You’re a goddess,” I tell her instead. “I’m in awe of you.”
“That was one of the best experiences of my life!”
“So, you’re okay? We’re okay?” I add, needing to hear it.
She tilts her head to the side, and at this angle, our eyes are lined up. “Yes. Everything is fantastic. This is exactly what I needed.”
I release her, letting her body slide down mine until she is standing, and our hands are intertwined. I wonder if she has any recollection of what she said to me up on that platform or if it was all panic-induced. We walk away from the field to retrieve our bag and change our clothes, and then we make our way to the parking lot. For the first time all afternoon, my mind is silent.
“You know, when you first pulled up in that car, I thought you were James Bond.”
I smile at that, leaning over to kiss the side of her face. I can’t stop putting my lips all over this woman. “Doctor by day. MI-6 by night. What should your Bond girl name be then?”
“Pussy Galore is already taken.”
A slow easy smile peels across my face. “So is Honey Rider, and your tits are far nicer than hers were.”
That truth earns me another kiss. “Maybe Beaver Bandit, though I never loved the term beaver when referring to my beautiful lady area.”
Now I laugh as I tuck her into my chest so I can hold her closer before I open the door for her and help her slide in. “I think you should stick to medicine instead of naming Bond girls.”
* * *
An hour later, I have Halle back home, sitting on the counter in my kitchen, her legs wrapped around my waist, her arms draped over my shoulders, her head thrown back in ecstasy. She’s stunning. So absolutely beautiful when she gets close to the edge the way she is now. My cock pounds into her, her pussy squeezing me like a vice. I wonder if I’ll ever get enough of this feeling. My forehead drops to hers as I piston in and out, in and out. It’s so good that I close my eyes briefly. When I reopen them, she’s right there, staring directly at me.
Our eyes lock, and in this most intimate of connections, something happens. Something so unexpected it makes me gasp and groan, the pleasure of her body bringing me to a new height. The last of the ice surrounding my heart cracks. More like melts in this heat. I’m open. I’m raw. I’m fucking exposed and I can’t tell if I like the sensation of it or not.
Because Halle may tell me she’s crazy about me. She may say that she wants me to jump with her. But Halle does not want a relationship. She does not want serious. She does not want love. At least not from me. That’s what she said that night in the bar in the dark. But when I’m ready to move on or you’re ready to move on, that’s it. No looking back. No regrets. I need honesty and openness and no bullshit. Because as I said, I’m going to want more eventually, and if you’re not the guy for that, then fine. I’m cool with that.
