Saving jay, p.24
Saving Jay, page 24
part #3 of Breaking Free Series
Jay cocked an eyebrow and looked at me like I was crazy. “As in, my partner, Kristine?”
“Yeah.”
I took a sip from my straw, and Jay glanced over his shoulder toward the hallway.
“But they’re so…”
“Different?” I asked, giving him a pointed look.
“What? We’re not that different,” he muttered just before taking a bite from his sandwich.
“Dude, you grew up in a mansion. You’re a multimillionaire. You wear suits.”
Jay wiped his mouth with a napkin and shrugged. “Yeah, but Kristine is so uptight. I can’t imagine her ever dating a dude with a Mohawk.”
“You’d be surprised how people are away from work. I bet she’s a freak.”
Jay’s eyebrows furrowed. “No. Really? You think so?”
“I mean, look at you,” I said, waving my hand at Jay.
He was sitting there in shorts and a T-shirt with a good amount of stubble growing on his face, looking nothing like he did during the week.
Jay raised his eyebrow. “Are you calling me a freak?”
“Yes.”
He lifted his hand like he was going to tickle me.
I quickly retracted my statement, “Just kidding! Just kidding!”
Just as we started laughing, there was a knock at my door, and we both turned to see who it was.
Cee Cee was standing there. “Your appointment just canceled,” she said, pursing her lips.
“Okay. Thanks.”
When Cee Cee left, I glanced at Jay, who had turned back to face me. I watched him as he took another bite from his sandwich.
“You feel like getting another session in?”
I’d already done about half of Jay’s tattoo, and I was eager to finish it. He still had his appointment set for the fifteenth, but he didn’t really need it. I’d tattoo him whenever he wanted.
His eyebrows lifted, and he smiled. “Hell yeah.”
Jay
I was lying on my stomach as Jade’s needles pierced my skin. She was working on the darker side of my back as my mind wandered to that part of my life.
My mother had called me this morning while Jade was showering, but I hadn’t answered. I’d known she wanted to talk to me about my father, and I hadn’t felt like listening to her excuses. There was nothing she could say to change my mind about him. I was done trying.
I thought about Jade and how happy I was that she’d agreed to move in with me. I knew she was still scared of being hurt, but I was running out of ways to prove myself to her. It would just take time. She hadn’t said she loved me, but I felt it every time she looked at me and whenever I held her in my arms. I’d poured my heart out to her, but she was still holding back. I didn’t want her to feel like she had to hide from me.
“Tell me something you don’t want me to know,” I said, closing my eyes.
Jade lifted her machine from my back and wiped the spot she was marking. “What?”
“I want you to tell me something I don’t know about you.”
Jade continued working as I waited.
“I…I don’t know what to say,” she said, her voice sounding nervous.
“I don’t want you to be scared to talk to me, Jade. I want to know everything about you, even the things that you’re ashamed of.”
Jade took a deep breath and sighed as her machine vibrated against my skin.
“Tell me about your ex.” I preferred not to use his name.
She was silent for another minute before she finally spoke, “I’m ashamed that I stayed with him for so long,” she said, pausing to wipe my back again. “I’m ashamed that he manipulated me, and I let him. I’m ashamed that he hit me, and I still didn’t leave.”
My eyes opened, and I could feel my temper instantly rising. I looked over my shoulder, but I could only see the top of her head. Jade pulled away and dipped her needles in more ink, glancing at me, before she moved out of view again. I took a deep breath, trying to calm down. I didn’t want her to regret telling me what she had, but just the thought of her ex putting his hands on her made me want to kill him. Closing my eyes again, I worked at steadying my breath as my heart thumped hard in my chest.
“I lost myself in him…in our relationship. By the time I finally left, I hardly recognized myself. I never smiled. Everything was just so…dark. I felt so hopeless.”
As I listened to Jade, it became easier to understand why she’d held back from me.
“Are you afraid the same thing will happen with us?”
“I know you aren’t Damon. You’re nothing like him…but you scare me more than he ever did.”
I opened my eyes again. “Why?”
Jade stopped tattooing. “Because you have the power to hurt me way more than he ever did.”
I thought about what she’d said, and I needed her to know that she had nothing to be ashamed of. We’d both made mistakes in our pasts. I was willing to tell her my deepest secrets, no matter how vulnerable they might leave me, if it would help ease her fears. I listened to the buzz of her needles as she continued, and I thought back to a time when I had been just as lost and hopeless.
“My parents left me alone on my seventeenth birthday. They were away on a cruise, and I threw a house party that weekend with drugs, booze, and over a hundred of my so-called friends.” I paused and took a deep breath. I’d never told anyone this before, and just thinking about it again had my chest aching.
“The house was trashed, and the cops were called, but I didn’t give a shit. It was all a distraction, a way to get back at my parents for making me feel so alone, so I could pretend I didn’t care.”
Jade’s hands left me as she got more ink, and I watched. She met my gaze but stayed silent and continued working.
“It wasn’t until the next afternoon when I discovered that one of my best friends had died because of my selfish decision. He’d been killed in a car accident because he’d gotten in a car with a drunk driver, someone who had gotten drunk at my house with my alcohol while celebrating my birthday.” I closed my eyes again as the shame and guilt washed over me. “Somehow, my father kept me out of it. I was never punished even though it was my fault, and that only made the guilt worse.
“I sat on the floor in my bedroom one night with a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniel’s and a full bottle of oxycodone. I can still remember the cold feel of my father’s Smith and Wesson in my sweaty hands as I stared at it. I wanted to die…just like my friend. I thought I deserved it. No matter how much I drank, I couldn’t drown the guilt that had buried itself deep inside of me. I knew the pills would be less messy, but my parents might think it was an accident, and I didn’t want that. I wanted to make a mess. I wanted my father to see what I’d done and have no doubt why I’d done it.”
Jade stopped tattooing.
I could feel her watching me as I continued, “I remember my hands shaking as they lifted the gun, the barrel aimed in the direction of my mouth. I squeezed my eyes shut and felt the warm tears sliding down my cheeks as I parted my lips. My heart was beating wildly in my chest, fighting to stay alive, despite my need to make it stop. I remember feeling the hard metal between my teeth, tasting salty tears on my tongue, and the overwhelming fear that what I was about to do wouldn’t matter to anyone.”
Jade put her gloved hand on my back, and I took another deep breath, trying to relieve the pain uncoiling in my chest.
“I couldn’t do it. I sat there for hours, holding that gun, willing myself to pull the trigger, but I just couldn’t do it. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about that night and how close I came to missing every moment since. It was the first time I realized just how bittersweet failure could be.”
Opening my eyes, I saw Jade looking at me as tears fell down her cheeks. Reaching out, she put her hand in mine, and I could feel those old wounds beginning to heal already.
Jade
The following Monday, I was standing in line at Starbucks, waiting for my coffee. Jay had to go into work early, and I’d made plans to hang out with Asia. I decided to stop and get some caffeine on the way to her house. I noticed the two girls standing next to me, glancing in my direction. They were both dressed in expensive clothes with Chanel and Coach purses hanging from their shoulders.
“Did I tell you I talked to Jay?” the brunette asked her friend loud enough for me to hear.
I glanced over at her, and she pretended not to see me.
“Oh, you did? How is he?”
“Busy as usual, but we plan to get together sometime next week. His mom invited me over for dinner. You know, Mrs. Clarke always loved me.”
I sucked in a breath and looked down at the floor, so they wouldn’t notice me eavesdropping. I could feel my heart throbbing in my chest as my stomach churned.
“I’m on my way to his office now. He always likes fucking me on his desk.”
My head shot up, and I glared at the back of that bitch’s head as her friend giggled beside her.
“Every woman in this city wants in Jay’s pants and his pockets, and they can be ruthless. Trust me.”
Asia’s words replayed in my mind just as the brunette turned to smirk at me over her shoulder. She was trying to get a rise out of me, and worst of all, she was talking shit about my man.
“What’s your name?” I asked her.
She tried to pretend she was surprised. “Who me?” she asked, glancing at the people around us.
“Yeah, you,” I replied, disdain obvious in my tone.
She looked afraid to tell me. She knew I’d go tell Jay what she’d said.
“Jessica!” the barista yelled from behind the counter.
Her eyes widened just enough for me to notice. I glanced over her shoulder, and the barista was looking directly at her.
“Jessica! Grande skinny mocha latte!”
I smirked as Jessica glared at me and flipped her hair before walking to the counter to get her drink.
I shook my head. Shady bitches.
After getting my drink, I fought to keep my insecurities tucked away where they belonged.
Jay would never do that to me. He’s not Damon. He’s not Damon.
Getting into my car, I started the engine before leaning my head back on the headrest. I knew I should just drive to Asia’s house and not let that woman get under my skin, but it was too late. Her comments were already there, festering and spreading fear throughout my body.
I’ll just stop by his office to say hi.
I figured if I saw Jay, it would put my mind at ease, and I could avoid spending the rest of the day wondering. I was almost positive she had been full of shit, but I couldn’t help the sharp edge of fear I felt in my heart.
What if she’s there? What if I find him fucking her on his desk?
Parking my car in the garage by his downtown office, I got out, taking my coffee with me.
Please don’t be there. Please don’t be there.
Walking onto the elevator, I hit the button for the top floor and closed my eyes as I took a deep breath. When the bell dinged and the doors slid open, I opened my eyes and stepped out. I’d been to Jay’s work once before. He had the entire top floor of the building. His office was all the way at the end of the hall and had an awesome view of the city park.
He’d hired a new assistant, Tabitha, to replace Kristine. She reminded me of my high school English teacher. She was an older lady with salt-and-pepper hair and an angry face. She rarely smiled, but apparently, she made a good assistant. I was just happy she wasn’t hot.
“Hi, Tabitha,” I said as I approached her desk.
She peered up at me from her computer. “Ms. Holliday,” she said dryly.
“Is Jay busy?”
“Yes, he’s actually with a guest.”
My fingers tingled, and my heart felt like it was in my throat as I glanced at his closed door. “Is it Jessica?” I asked, my eyes still watching his office.
“I’m not at liberty to—”
Fuck this.
Walking past Tabitha, I heard her protest as I grabbed the handle of Jay’s door and pushed it open. Jay was sitting in his chair with his elbows on his desk, and Jessica was in a seat across from him. Both of them turned to look at me as I stood there, confused.
“Jade, what are you doing here?” Jay asked, looking surprised.
“This bitch,” I said, pointing toward Jessica’s face.
Her mouth gaped open as she pretended to be appalled.
Jay looked between the two of us, his eyebrows furrowing.
“Excuse me?” she asked, as if she had no idea who I was.
“Who the fuck is she, Jay? What is she doing here?”
Jay stood up and started to come around his desk. “What’s going on?”
“I have no idea,” Jessica said, still acting shocked, as she looked to Jay for help.
“I was in Starbucks twenty minutes ago.” I paused, holding up the cup I was still gripping in my hand. “And this…Jessica,” I said snidely, “said she was on her way over here because you love fucking her on your desk.”
Jay looked down at Jessica, his eyes narrowing, as he clenched his jaw.
She closed her mouth and stuck her nose higher in the air. “I don’t know who this is, but she’s obviously crazy,” Jessica said, standing up and putting her purse strap on her shoulder. She was lying right through her teeth, and the longer she stood there, the more obvious it was.
“Get out,” Jay said, pointing toward the door.
“Jay, you don’t really believe—”
“Get the fuck out!” he shouted, making both of us jump.
Turning to leave, she was sure to glare as she walked past me, leaving a trail of Chanel No. 5 in her wake.
Jay slammed the door behind her. I watched him as he turned to face me.
“You believed her?”
I shook my head as my emotions took over. My hands were shaking, and tears stung my eyes as I remembered the way I’d felt when I caught Damon in bed with another woman. I took a shaky breath and closed my eyes, trying to calm down.
“Deep down, I knew she was full of shit, but part of me was still scared of what I’d find.”
“You can trust me, Jade. I’d never do anything like that. I promise. You’re the only one for me.”
I nodded, and Jay watched me.
His eyes were intense as they moved back and forth between mine. “You believe me, don’t you?”
I sniffed and nodded again, but adrenaline was still coursing through me. I wanted to run. “I’d better go. Asia’s waiting for me.”
Jay pulled me in for a hug. “Please don’t shut me out, Jade. Talk to me.”
I wasn’t trying to shut him out. But what was I supposed to say? He’d done nothing wrong. It was my insecurity and tattered heart causing this conflict inside of me. I didn’t want Jay to see all the baggage I still had weighing me down. I didn’t want to show him anything that might push him away.
“I just need some time to calm down.”
Jay sighed before finally releasing me.
“I’m sorry for unloading all of this on you guys,” I told Asia and Marcus.
We were sitting by the pool on their back deck. I’d just told them about my dramatic morning because I figured, out of all my friends, Asia could probably relate the most. I’d told them about Damon and some of the things I’d been through over the past few years.
Marcus was rolling a blunt and seemed deep in thought after listening to my story.
“That bitch. I knew she was a bitch the moment I laid eyes on her,” Asia said, shaking her head. She glanced at Marcus before looking at me. “She’s the same one I caught Jay with…the night we broke up.”
I felt my eyes narrow. “Ugh. Now, I really wanna kick her ass.”
Asia scoffed, “I don’t blame you. Shady bitches, man—they’re everywhere.”
Sitting up, Asia leaned over and wrapped her arm around my shoulders and squeezed. “But I wouldn’t worry too much. I think, after everything you’ve been through, you’re doing an amazing job with moving on. I mean, of course you’d feel a little unsure and insecure after going through something like that. I’m sure Jay understands.”
I nodded before looking down at my hands, and I picked at one of my nails. “I just…I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about Jay, not even Damon. I’m terrified of losing him.”
Marcus peered up at me for the first time since I’d started talking, and his light eyes met mine. “You both have to let go of your pasts if you want any kind of future together. You don’t have to forget. All those things made you stronger, and they taught you something. But you’ve got to forgive—not only those who hurt you, but yourselves, too—or you’ll end up hurting each other.”
I glanced at Asia.
She shrugged her shoulders. “He’s right. Unfortunately, we learned that the hard way.”
Around nine o’clock, I walked into Jay’s apartment after spending most of the evening driving and thinking about my past. I knew Marcus was right. I just wasn’t sure how I was going to find the closure I needed.
All the lights in the living room and kitchen were off, and I quietly made my way toward Jay’s room where I saw the soft glow of his bedside lamp. When I walked inside, Jay was sitting with his back against his headboard, reading a book. His eyes lifted and came to mine as I dropped my bag on the floor. I gave him a small smile as I walked over to him, and he lifted the blankets to let me in beside him. I crawled in, and he marked his place in the book before putting it down on his nightstand. Wrapping my arm around his waist, I pressed my cheek against his chest to feel his heartbeat.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
He began running his fingers through my hair. “Don’t be sorry, Jade. Just talk to me.”
“I’m just scared. I’m afraid that once you realize how weak I am, you’ll leave me.”
Jay’s hand moved to my chin, and he lifted it so that I’d face him. “You’re not weak, and I’m not going anywhere. I love you, Jade.”
I sucked in a breath, my heart beating frantically in my chest, as I stared into his captivating eyes.
He studied my face for a second before saying, “You don’t have to say it back. No one has ever made me feel the way you do, Jade. I’ve waited my entire life to feel loved by someone, and you’ve given me that. I just want to give it back.”
