Saving jay, p.28
Saving Jay, page 28
part #3 of Breaking Free Series
“Jason!” my mom’s voice shouted.
I saw her standing in another waiting area down the hall. She was in her bathrobe, her eyes and nose red from crying.
“Oh, Jason,” she whispered.
I walked toward her and pulled her in for a hug. She began crying against my chest, and I looked at Jade, who was standing there with tears in her eyes.
“Shh…it’s okay, Mom. It’s okay. Where is he?”
“The doctors are with him now,” one of my father’s nurses said as she rubbed my mother’s back.
I nodded and clenched my jaw, fighting my own emotions, as I tried to be strong for everyone else.
About an hour later, I was finally able to talk to my father’s doctor. He confirmed that my father did in fact have pneumonia and that the chances of him recovering weren’t likely. The doctor recommended that I call a hospice to help make my father’s remaining days as comfortable for him as possible. He handed me a card and let me know they were expecting a call. I guessed he and my father had already made all the arrangements.
I knew I should be sad, but I wasn’t. I was numb. I was shocked. But the sadness hadn’t come yet.
After talking with his doctor outside of his room, I went in to see my mother standing next to him, smoothing his hair from his face. He was asleep with a tube under his nose and an IV in his arm as machines beeped around him.
Jade was standing on the other side of him, and she turned to look at me. Her eyes said all the things I knew she wanted to. Walking over to her, I put my arm around her shoulders before looking down at my father.
It was hard to believe this dying man was the same one I’d looked up to. He’d always been so strong and in control, commanding and rigid. Now, he was just lying there, silent and frail.
Reaching out, I took his hand in mine. My mother lifted her head and watched me as I stared at him, wishing I had forgiven him years ago. We might have had a chance.
Jade moved closer to my side, anchoring me, her love keeping me strong.
After finally convincing Jade to go to work, I got in my truck and drove to my parents’ house.
The hospice nurse had arrived yesterday to help get everything set up for my father before he came home. He’d been sleeping in a guest room for the past few months, and now, it looked more like a hospital than a home.
When I arrived at the house, Melanie greeted me at the door. Everything was quiet, which I supposed was a good thing.
“Where’s Mom?” I asked her as I looked around the foyer.
“She’s in the back, drinking coffee. She asked me to send you to her when you arrived.”
I nodded, and Melanie gave me a sad smile.
Walking toward the back of the house, I saw my mom sitting on the back deck, looking out into the immaculate yard in front of her. I opened one of the French doors and stepped out. She turned and peered at me over her shoulder.
“Good morning,” I said, walking over. I kissed her cheek.
She sniffed and wiped away tears before muttering, “Morning.” Straightening her back, she lifted her cup of coffee and took a slow sip.
“Melanie said you wanted to see me,” I said as I pulled out a chair and sat across from her.
She glanced at me before looking back at the yard and nodding.
Something wasn’t right. I’d never seen my mother like this. Her hair was a mess, she looked like she hadn’t slept, and she was wearing a robe again. I knew my mother was upset about my father’s condition, but she’d always cared about her appearance. It made me nervous.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
Melanie came out with a pot of coffee and poured some for me.
My mother took a deep breath and sighed before finally looking at me. Her eyes were red, and she seemed scared. She pulled a cigarette from a pack on the table and lit it. My mother hadn’t smoked in over twenty years. I just sat there, watching her and waiting.
“I have something very important to tell you, something that your father and I have never told anyone.”
My eyebrows furrowing, I leaned forward and watched my mother as she took a drag from her cigarette.
She blew out the smoke and licked her lips before looking at me and saying, “Jason Clarke isn’t your biological father.”
Sucking in a breath, I felt myself lean back as my world began to spin. My heart beat wildly in my chest as my mind fought to comprehend what she had said.
“Your real father died in a car accident in nineteen eighty-six, the same year I married Jason.”
Dropping my head, I raked my fingers through my hair as I tried to understand.
Jason Clarke isn’t my father. He isn’t my father?
“What? How?”
“I knew Jason my whole life. We were friends for a long time, and we loved each other since we were teens. But things happened that kept us apart.” She paused and took another drag from her cigarette. “I had a boyfriend, Nicholas. He was a good man…but I didn’t love him, not like I loved your dad.” She stared at nothing as she took in a shaky breath, her chin quivering. “I was planning on leaving him. Jason and I had been sneaking away together, having an affair behind his back, and the guilt was killing me. I knew I had to be honest with him.”
Tears fell down her cheeks. I couldn’t move, and I couldn’t think. All I could do was sit there and listen to her as she told me my entire life had been a lie.
“Nicholas and I got into a fight, and he went out drinking. He tried to drive home, and he ended up in a fatal drunk driving accident. It wasn’t until a week later when I found out I was pregnant.”
My mother finally looked me in the eyes, and I met her gaze, wondering what else she had kept from me all these years.
No wonder my father never loved me. I was never his.
Standing up, I pushed my hands through my hair as I started pacing back and forth. My mother watched me, waiting to see what I’d do. I’d come here sad and upset because I thought my father was dying, and now, she was telling me my real father had already died.
He’s already dead.
“Jason, I’m sorry. I wanted to tell you, but—”
“Why didn’t you? Don’t you think I might have wanted to know? Don’t you think I deserved to know?” I shouted.
She flinched as more tears fell from her eyes. “Your father wanted everyone to think you were his. He didn’t want anyone to know, and neither did I. He’s the man I wanted to have a family with. He’s the one I loved.”
“So, why didn’t you just have more kids?”
“He can’t,” she whispered. She took another drag from her cigarette. “Jason can’t have children. He saw you as a blessing, a way for him to have the family he always wanted.”
I scoffed, a sarcastic laugh escaping my lips, as I stopped pacing. “He never wanted me, and you know it.” I shook my head and turned to face the yard as tears stung my nose and gathered in my eyes. My heart was breaking all over again.
He really doesn’t love me.
“You’re wrong, Jason. Your father loves you. He always has.”
I nodded absentmindedly before dropping my head. I stared at the ground beneath my feet, wondering if it was real.
Is any of it?
Tears fell from my eyes as my world came crashing down around me.
Jade
When I got home, I found Jay sitting on the couch with a glass of scotch in his hand. My heart dropped when I saw the distant look in his eyes, and I put my bag down before rushing over to him. I got on my knees in front of him and took his glass before putting it down on the table.
“Are you okay? What’s the matter? Did something happen?” I asked.
Jay took my hands in his. His eyes were red and glazed over, his jaw pulled tight, as he stared down at my fingers. He was scaring me. I wasn’t sure if his father had passed, but I got the feeling it was something worse.
“Please talk to me, Jay. I love you. Please?”
“Jason Clarke isn’t my father,” he murmured as his eyes lifted to meet mine.
My jaw went slack as I searched his devastated eyes. What?
“What? Who told you that? How did you—”
“My mother told me this morning.”
“Oh my God, Jay. I’m so sorry.” I paused as I tried to understand what he was telling me. I had no idea what to say. “Why didn’t you call me?”
I watched as Jay looked away, and I could see him retreating, somehow convincing himself that he was right about his father not loving him.
I felt so helpless. I couldn’t do anything to fix what had happened, but I had to do something.
Standing up, I took Jay’s hand and pulled, urging him to come with me. Jay followed me to our bedroom, his rough hand limp in mine. I brought him to the bathroom and started the shower before helping him get out of his clothes. I stripped out of mine, too, and once the temperature was right, we both got in.
Jay’s shower was a lot larger than mine, so there was plenty of room, but I found myself wishing it were smaller. Jay stood in the middle of the stall, the hot water beating down against his back, as I lathered soap in my hands and began washing him. I looked at the tattoo on his skin, tears gathering in my eyes, as I thought about everything he’d been through—all the years he’d spent trying to prove himself to a man he never really knew, all the questions, all the pain.
Leaning forward, I kissed the man I’d tattooed on his back and whispered, “I love you.”
I wrapped my arms around him and placed my hands on his beating heart. Jay put his hands on mine and let me hold him as I tried to wash away his pain.
Jay
Twenty-four hours after my mother had told me the truth, I began to realize I couldn’t escape it. It would follow me everywhere. My money, my apartment, my car—all of it belonged to the man I no longer was.
Jason Clarke. Even my name was a lie.
Jade was the only thing keeping me here. I knew she was worried about me, and I wanted to reassure her that everything would be fine. I wanted to be strong for her, but I couldn’t find my way out. I was lost.
My mother had been calling me all morning, but I couldn’t bring myself to answer.
Jade finally did it for me, insisting that it could be an emergency. “Hello? Yes, he’s here, but I don’t think he feels up to talking. Is everything all right?” Jade’s eyes lifted to mine as she listened to my mother on the phone. “I understand. Okay. I’ll tell him. Thank you for calling. I will. Okay. Bye.”
She hung up my cell phone and put it down on the counter between us. “She’s worried about you. She asked me to tell you that your father’s condition is getting worse, and if you’d like to say good-bye, you might need to do it soon.”
Her eyes softened as she reached over and put her hand on mine. I sighed and hung my head, rubbing the back of my neck with my free hand. I wasn’t ready to see him.
“I know this is hard, Jay. I can’t imagine what you must be thinking, all the ways you must hurting…but I think you should go. Go talk to him.”
I shook my head. “I can’t.”
“Time is running out, Jay. I don’t—”
“I can’t!” I shouted, slamming my fist down on the counter.
Jade pulled her hand away, and I could feel my anger building a wall between us, but I couldn’t stop it. I knew she was only trying to help, but I was losing my patience. Jade didn’t understand what I was going through. No one did.
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” I muttered as I peered up at Jade.
I could see her eyes filling with tears, but she lifted her chin, refusing to let them fall. I was hurting her, and knowing that only made me feel worse.
“I have to go.” Grabbing my keys, I got up from my stool and walked out.
Jade
I stood alone in our kitchen as Jay walked out of the apartment and slammed the door behind him. Blowing out a breath, I felt my shoulders fall as I closed my eyes. I knew Jay was hurting, but I couldn’t help feeling like I was becoming a victim all over again. I couldn’t fix Jay any more than I could fix Damon. I just had to hope that Jay would find his way through this and back to me.
I woke up early the next morning with Jay sleeping next to me. He’d crawled into bed in the middle of the night, smelling like liquor and cigarettes. It was the first night we’d slept next to each other without touching. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him, afraid of what I’d see if I did. Just the thought of losing him had me gasping for air as I sat on the edge of the bed.
You have to stay strong, Jade—for him.
Standing up, I quietly made my way into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. After pouring myself a cup, I stood in the living room, staring out at the clouds as they hovered in the sky. I kept wondering if I should leave Jay alone to work through his feelings. Maybe he wanted space from me, from us. But my heart wouldn’t let me go. I loved him too much, and deep down, I knew he needed me.
Walking back into the kitchen, I rinsed my coffee mug out in the sink and set it down. As I turned to leave, I heard Jay’s cell phone vibrating on the counter next to his keys. Picking it up, I saw a text from someone named Nina.
I know you said you didn’t want to see me again, but I’m staying at the Waterside Marriott in room 512 if you change your mind.
Jay
Wednesday morning, I woke up with the worst hangover of my life. Groaning, I turned over and instinctively reached out for Jade, but she wasn’t there. Opening my eyes, I squinted as the harsh light shone in from my bedroom windows. I glanced around the room as the silence began to register.
Jade was gone.
Sitting up, I tossed the blankets off of me and got out of bed. Panic began to rise in my chest as I made my way toward the kitchen, and I noticed her empty cup on the counter. My keys were where I’d left them, but my phone was gone. Searching the room, I found it sitting on my dining room table. I walked over to it and picked it up. My eyes narrowed as they tried to focus on the message in front of me.
Nina…
Room 512.
“Shit!” What if Jade saw this? What if she thinks…
Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath before unlocking my phone and calling Jade’s number. I stood there, my palms sweating, as my heart beat faster with each ring. She wasn’t answering.
“Hi. This is Jade Holliday. Sorry I missed your call, but leave a message, and I’ll call you back as soon as I can.”
“Jade, baby, it’s me. Call me when you get this, okay? I love you.”
Hanging up, I put my hands on my head as I tried to fight the frustration bubbling up inside of me. “Fuck!”
Everything was so fucked up, and I had no idea how to make any of it right again.
Going outside, I sat on my balcony with my phone in my hand as gray clouds dropped rain from the sky. I thought about Jade and wondered where she was. My fear grew with each passing minute that I hadn’t heard from her.
I thought about my dad as he lay in that bed, waiting to die. I wondered how he felt—if he was proud of the way his life had turned out, if he was ever proud of me.
I stood in my father’s office as he looked up at me, his hands clasped on his desk in front of him. I was fifteen, and I’d just been caught making out with our neighbor’s daughter—in her bedroom. We had planned to have sex, but her mother had found us. I still had the condom in my pocket.
“Are you a man now?” he asked, his dark brown eyes narrowing on mine.
I raised my chin and looked at him, refusing to respond.
“Any asshole with a dick can have sex, son. That doesn’t make you a man. A real man respects and understands what he’s taking from a woman every time she gives herself to him.”
I kept a blank look on my face as I listened to him. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he had any effect on me.
My father sighed and looked away. “Get out of my office.”
I spent the next hour remembering all the times my father had lectured me in his office and tried to guide me in the right direction. I had just been too angry at the time to see it. I had been too busy trying to prove that I didn’t need him.
I thought about the man he’d raised me to be and how, in many ways, I’d ended up a lot like him. We were both too proud to admit when we needed help, even to the ones who loved us. He might not have been able to tell me, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized just how much he’d cared and how selfish I’d been. I had become what I always loathed—a spoiled rich kid too blinded by my own hurt to realize how much I had been given.
I looked over my shoulder when I heard the apartment door close, and I saw Jade walking in with a grocery bag full of food.
She came back.
Standing up, I watched as Jade brought the groceries into the kitchen and began emptying the bag. She didn’t look upset, just deep in thought. I walked into the living room and Jade’s eyes met mine, a look of surprise washing over her features.
“I thought you’d still be asleep,” she said as she put a bottle of Advil down on the counter.
“You came back.”
She peered up at me before her eyes moved down my body. I was still in my underwear, my phone gripped tightly in my hand.
“Yeah, I made a run to the grocery store after I paid your friend Nina a visit.”
I froze. “What?”
She tilted her chin toward my hand. “I saw her text.”
Shit. “Jade, I haven’t seen her—”
“I know,” she said, cutting me off. “And now she knows not to text my boyfriend again.”
I stood there in disbelief as Jade continued putting the groceries away.
“You aren’t mad at me?”
Jade closed the refrigerator door and turned to face me. “Should I be?”
Walking into the kitchen, I rubbed the back of my neck with my hand and sighed. “I was an asshole to you yesterday, and then this…” I held up my phone before putting it on the counter.
