Saving jay, p.26
Saving Jay, page 26
part #3 of Breaking Free Series
Jackson hit the End button before slipping his hands into his pockets. “She’s at the park down the street. She came by the shop this morning to pick up a few sketches.”
I nodded. “Thanks, man. I appreciate it.”
I reached into my pocket for my keys and started to leave when Jackson stepped in front of me.
His eyes were serious as they studied mine. “Jade’s hurting a lot more than she lets on. She needs this, man. She has to close that door before she can open another one, and if you really love her, you’ll be there for her.”
“I do love her, and I’ll do whatever it takes.”
I found Jade sitting on a bench next to the fountain in the middle of the park. She was sitting there with a sketchpad on her lap, but her eyes were fixed on the water in front of her. I stood a few feet away and took a moment to soak her in. The sunlight created a glow around her as the wind blew her hair away from her face. She was the most beautiful woman I’d ever met, and I knew she always would be.
I walked over to the bench, and Jade looked up at me when my shadow fell over her.
“Can I sit?”
Jade nodded before looking back at the fountain again. I sat down beside her for a minute, letting our energy and our connection wash over me.
“You were right. I should have tried to understand why you needed to talk to Damon.”
Her hazel eyes came to mine, but she didn’t say anything.
“You’re not the only one who’s scared, Jade. If I lose you, I lose everything.”
Jade sucked in a breath and opened her mouth to respond, but I stopped her. “Hold on. Let me finish. Please?”
She closed her mouth, and I continued, “You’ve changed everything for me, Jade, and I can’t go back. I don’t want to—not now, not after I’ve had you. If you need to talk to Damon to move on, you should. I won’t try to stop you.” I paused and took her hand in mine before kissing her knuckles. “I love you.”
Jade gave me a sad smile before turning to look back at the water again. “And what about you?”
“What about me?”
“When are you going to forgive your dad?”
My eyebrows drew together as I stared at Jade’s profile.
I couldn’t help but feel defensive. “My father has nothing to do with this.”
Jade turned to face me. Her eyes were clear and calm when she said, “You’re running out of time, Jay. He won’t be here forever, and if you don’t try, you’ll regret it. I know you will.”
I let go of her hand and rested my elbows on my knees as I stared at the stones beneath my feet.
Jade had caught me off guard, and I wasn’t ready to hear what she was telling me. I felt betrayed. Doesn’t she understand how much he’s hurt me? He was my father. He should have loved me unconditionally, but he hadn’t. And every time I was around him, he would make sure to remind me.
“My relationship with my father has nothing to do with you.”
“Doesn’t it? What happens when he’s gone and the pain is still there, Jay? Who will you punish then?”
I abruptly stood up and shoved my hands into my pockets before looking down at Jade. I’d shown her my weakness, and she was using it as a weapon against me. Jade was watching me with concern in her eyes, but I could see resolution there, too. She’d meant what she said.
I clenched my jaw and looked away. I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything. I left.
Jade
I watched Jay’s back as he walked off, and it felt like I was slowly drifting away and out of my body. Everything seemed so far. All the noise was muffled by the rhythm of my heart as my vision blurred from my tears. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever get back without him.
I blinked away my tears as I looked down at the sketchpad in my lap. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I was hurt and confused. Instead of accepting Jay’s apology, I had hurt him, too, and I’d possibly just ruined the one chance I had at something real.
Jay
“What happens when he’s gone and the pain is still there, Jay? Who will you punish then?”
Jade’s words echoed in my ears as I drove my Audi down the highway toward my parents’ house.
I’d been thinking about what she’d said all night, and the realization had hit me like a ton of bricks. My nightmares, all this shit with my father, all the anger and resentment I’d kept hidden in the dark—they would never go away until I chose to move on. Jade wasn’t being weak. I was. She was facing her demons while I was running from mine.
I walked into my father’s study, the smell of books and old newspapers bringing back memories of the times I’d played on this floor while he worked. I remembered when I’d thought he ruled the world, and I’d wanted to be just like him. That was a time when his eyes had been soft, and his smiles had been something I tried to earn.
Now, the man I’d once idolized sat alone, looking out a window, with a tray of untouched food sitting on the table beside his wheelchair. Taking a deep breath, I walked inside and took the empty seat next to him. I could feel him watching me, but when I looked, his eyes went back to the window.
“What are you doing here?” he asked, his mouth struggling to communicate his words. He closed his eyes and sighed, frustration radiating off of him.
“Mom is worried about you.” I paused, hearing the coldness and resentment in my tone. “We both are,” I admitted as I looked out the same window.
He didn’t say anything, and I glanced at him, noticing his eyes had softened a little. This was my chance to tell him everything, to see if I could find that man inside of him that I remembered.
“I tried killing myself once,” I said as I watched a murder of crows flying across the sky.
He turned to look at me, and for the first time, he seemed surprised by what I’d said.
I let out a self-deprecating laugh before adding, “I failed at that, too, I guess.”
My father’s eyes searched mine, his eyebrows furrowing, but he didn’t speak.
“It was after my friend, Daniel, died.” I glanced down at my lap before looking outside again. “I just kept thinking it should have been me in that car. He had a family who loved him, and he had a bright future, something to look forward to. Why wasn’t it me?” I asked, glancing over at him. “I spent years asking myself that, but I guess I’ll never know.”
Pausing, I peered out at the clouds and admitted, “I’ve also spent years trying to prove myself to you—even after you stopped speaking to me, even after I convinced myself that I didn’t care.”
He sighed, and I turned to face him.
“Jade—you know, the woman I love, the one you treated like shit? She wants me to forgive you.”
Chuckling to mask my frustration, I dropped my head. “You see, Dad…I want to forgive you because all this hurt and anger…is like a disease. It kills everything good in my life and leaves me just as alone and miserable as you are.”
Looking over at him, I watched as my father’s jaw clenched, and he turned back to face the window. My eyes were steady on his profile as I fought an internal battle with myself. I knew I had to forgive him. I knew I had to let all of this go, but old habits died hard, and my pride was making it difficult.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t the son you wanted.” I paused, took a deep breath, and exhaled. “And I forgive you for not loving me.”
His head turned, and he looked me in the eyes as tears gathered in his. I’d never seen my father cry before, and that image was one I’d never forget. An indescribable mix of sadness and relief flooded my chest as I fought against my own tears.
“I just wanted you to know that I’m done being angry.”
Standing up, I took a second to look out at the acres of trees in front of us, and I felt when the weight that had once pressed on my heart began to lift.
Jade
I sat in my office with my cell phone in my hand, staring at a picture Cee Cee had taken of Jay and me in his apartment. I was sitting on his lap, laughing, and he was watching me with a smile on his face so bright that it hurt for me to see it now, but I couldn’t look away.
It had been four days since we last spoke. I’d thought about calling him at least a hundred times, but I never did.
The morning after we’d talked in the park, he’d sent me coffee and flowers again. There hadn’t been a note, but it had been enough to let me know he still cared. I still had enough stuff in my old apartment to get by on, so I’d been staying there. I couldn’t bring myself to ask him for the rest. Part of me was still hoping I would have a place there when all of this was over.
Damon was driving into Virginia today, and I was a nervous wreck. I’d been going over what I wanted to say to him in my mind, but I had a feeling that it wouldn’t be as easy when we were face-to-face. I had one hour before I was supposed to meet him at his hotel, and I still wasn’t sure I was ready.
Putting my phone down on my desk, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
You can do this. You need to do this.
“You okay?”
Peering up at my door, I saw Jackson leaning there, watching me.
“Yeah. I think so.”
“You need me to go with you? I can wait in the car.”
I shook my head, glancing at my desk, before looking into his sympathetic eyes. “No. Thanks. I have to do this on my own.”
“You sure?”
I nodded. “I’m sure.”
“Well, we’re here for you if you need us.”
Standing up, I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist, resting my head on his broad chest. “I know. Thanks, Jackson.”
He put his arms around me, hugging me back, and I closed my eyes, wishing Jay’s arms were around me instead.
I parked my car in front of a small motel in Virginia Beach. The sound of the waves floated through the air outside as my heart pounded in my ears.
I’d agreed to talk to Damon in his room because I didn’t want to make a scene. He’d sounded sober when I spoke to him on the phone, and I’d trusted him enough to believe I would be safe.
Reminding myself to breathe, I got out of my car and made my way toward the two-story row of rooms in front of me. After finding room sixteen, I stood in front of the green door. My fist hovered over it for a few seconds before I knocked.
Closing my eyes, I took another deep breath as I heard it unlock. I felt the breeze from the door and opened my eyes. Damon was standing there in a pair of jeans and a Sullen T-shirt, his wet dark hair hanging down around his brown eyes. The heavy weight in my heart began to lighten when I saw how clear they were. He’d gained weight, and his clothes fit him again.
Damon smiled at me, and it felt like reuniting with an old friend. I wanted to hug him, and I wanted to cry, but my pain wouldn’t let me.
Damon looked me over, and then his eyes came to mine again as he pushed his hair away from his face. I could tell he wanted to hug me, too, but he wasn’t sure if he could. His eyes closed as a pained look washed over his face, and when he opened them again, I could see shame in them.
“Thank you for coming.”
I nodded, and he opened the door wider to let me in. I looked around the room. The bed was still made, a small duffel bag sitting on top of it with clothes spilling out. I recognized an old flannel I’d given to him on his twenty-fifth birthday, and memories of that night flooded my mind. We’d gotten into a fight because he’d wanted to go out, and I’d wanted to stay home. I’d known he’d get wasted, and I’d end up dragging him home and taking care of him. He’d ended up going out without me.
That memory helped strengthen my courage.
“You okay, J?”
Turning to face him, I nodded. “Yeah, I’m good.”
“Sorry, this place is kind of a shithole, but I wanted to get something close to the water.”
“It’s fine.”
“Oh. Here, let me get that.” Damon walked toward the bed and moved his bag to the floor.
He was nervous. Damon never got nervous.
“Please, have a seat.”
I pulled my bag off my shoulder as I sat down on the edge of the mattress.
Damon stood in front of me and pushed his hand through his hair before rubbing it over the stubble on his jaw. “Shit. This is awkward, isn’t it? I had everything planned out in my head, but seeing you again…it’s got me all twisted up.”
I looked down at my lap, and a small smile curved my lips. Good.
“You look amazing, Jade. I guess Virginia has been good for you.”
I glanced up at him. “It has. Thanks.”
Taking a deep breath, Damon looked around the room and went to grab a chair from beside the bed. He moved it directly in front of me and sat down, putting us at eye level. I met his gaze and searched his eyes, but nothing felt familiar. There was no spark, no attraction, not even an aching heart. He was just a man I’d once known.
“Jade, I’m—”
“You changed me,” I said, interrupting him.
Damon’s mouth closed, and his eyes watched mine.
I continued, “I used to carry my heart on my sleeve. I was brave.” I looked down at the old gray carpet beneath us before meeting his gaze again. “Now, I’m scared of everything. I’m terrified of reliving the hell you put me through. I have a man who loves me, a good man, and because of you, I’m afraid my love won’t be enough for him.”
Damon closed his eyes and shook his head before opening them again. “Jade, your love is the only thing that kept me alive. Those months in rehab…my memories of you are what got me through it.”
“But it wasn’t enough to save you.”
“Because I wasn’t ready to be saved. I was selfish, J. I was so deep in my addiction that I couldn’t see what was right in front of me. You did nothing wrong. Do you hear me?”
His eyebrows rose as he searched my face, and I nodded.
“I’m sorry. I know that will never be enough to make up for what I did to you, but I want you to know that I am truly, deeply sorry.”
I watched as Damon’s eyes glossed over with tears and I knew he was telling the truth. My heart ached for him, I knew he never meant to hurt me, he never meant for things to happen the way they did.
Reaching out, I put my hand on his and whispered, “I forgive you.”
He squeezed his eyes shut, and tears fell down his cheeks, landing on our hands. “Thank you.”
Jay
I’d been sitting on the front stoop of Jade’s apartment building for two hours. I’d stopped by the shop earlier this afternoon, and Jackson had told me she’d gone to see Damon. I didn’t like that she was alone with him, but I knew this was something she had to do, and I wanted to be here for her.
The sun was starting to set, the colors of the sky changing with its descent. I watched as a father walked up the stairs with his young daughter tightly holding on to his hand. She looked at me with her bright blue eyes and smiled. I smiled back.
Just as the door closed behind them, I saw Jade’s Camaro pulling into the parking lot. I straightened my back as I waited for her to see me. After she parked, her door opened, and I stood up. Jade got out, and when her eyes found me, she paused for a second before walking closer.
“Hey,” she muttered once she reached the bottom of the stairs.
Her eyes were red, and she looked exhausted.
I went to her and pulled her into my arms. “God, I’ve missed you,” I whispered.
She wrapped her arms around me. “I missed you, too—so much.”
Pulling away from her, I held her head in my hands and searched her face. “Are you okay?”
Her eyes were full of tears, but she smiled at me and nodded. “Yeah.”
“Are you hungry?”
Jade sniffed and laughed a little as I moved my hands down her neck and to her shoulders. “Yeah. I could use some food.”
“Good. Come on.” Grabbing her hand, I pulled her back toward the parking lot and over to my car.
“Where are we going?”
“Home.”
I stood at my kitchen counter and watched Jade as she ate one of the meals Nathan had prepared for me.
“Are you sure you don’t want some?” she asked, holding out her fork with a piece of broccoli on the end.
Leaning forward, I put it into my mouth and pulled it off. Jade grinned as she watched me chew it.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked after taking a sip from my water.
“I don’t know. Do you want me to?”
“I want you to tell me everything.”
Jade studied my face before setting her fork down on her plate. “Well, he looks like himself again. He seems healthy. I dunno. It’s hard to explain, but I think he actually gets it now, like he finally understands his addiction and the effect it had on everyone.”
“And did you tell him how you feel?”
She nodded and glanced down at the counter before smiling. “I did.”
“Did it help?”
“Yes.”
Reaching out, I took her hand in mine and ran my thumb over her knuckles. “I went to see my dad.”
Surprise brightened Jade’s eyes. “Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you talk to him?”
“I did.”
“And he listened?”
“I think so.”
Jade got down from her stool and walked around the counter to give me a hug. “That’s awesome, Jay. I hope it helped.”
“I got a lot off my chest at least.” I chuckled.
Jade looked up at me and asked, “Did he say anything?”
“No, but he’s not talking much at all anymore.”
She hugged me tighter this time, and I wrapped my arms around her, savoring every moment of it. Jade pulled away, and I missed her touch the instant I’d lost it. She took my hand in hers and pulled me toward the living room where she sat down on the couch. I took a seat beside her.
