Drowning in secrets, p.3
Drowning In Secrets, page 3
Reading her point of view in the story, almost triggered an anxiety attack of my own. I could relate to her. I understood her and the sickness within her mind. Would I ever get that crazy? Could I become so lost and cast out from reality? Would I go through life in the way that she had? Would I be unable to escape my own mind?
I never wanted to have those thoughts again. I didn’t want to see those pages ever again. My hands shook as I plopped the book down in his lap.
He looked up at me with a smirk. His eyes met mine and sent a weird shiver through me.
“Misty!” he greeted me. “Hit a little too close to home?”
I just rolled my eyes. “Why would you give me that?” I demanded.
“I never gave you the book,” he said, folding his hands on top of the book in his lap.
“Ok, but you left it on the shelf, knowing I would retrieve it,” I insisted, and he merely shrugged.
“The reason you are so terrified of these pages is because it is a parallel of what is going on in your own mind as well as mine. We are trapped in this society, and we will surely go crazy over time if we are not given more freedom. We are confined to limitations that our minds are not built to accept. We have anxiety. We are sitting still and doing nothing as her husband demanded in the book. We just simply take our medicine and expect everything to be ok as our government dictates, but this is not the answer. They don’t understand what we are going through, and they never will.”
“Are you trying to say that I am crazy?”
“No, but we will both go crazy if we continue to be defined in such a way. There is no greater handicap that can be put onto us, then being trapped by our own mind.”
“I don’t care!” I shouted and quickly looked around remembering where I was. I lowered my voice. “Keep that book and yourself far away from me. I want nothing to do with it or you.”
I strode away, not waiting to hear his reply. After I was far enough away, I looked back at him to see him open the book and begin reading the poisonous words. I have had anxiety plenty of times in my life, but for the first time I was scared.
I was glad no one could read thoughts, or I would be sent away for even thinking the word, scared. I didn’t want to end up like that woman in the book. I refused to go crazy. I wasn’t going to go through what she did.
I took calming breaths and tried to slow my heart rate as I made my way to my next class. But it was very hard to hide my fidgeting for the rest of the day.
*****
I got out of my car and walked up my driveway the same time that Dew got off the bus. I smiled brightly at him, and he greeted me with a meek smile. Something was off. He wasn't acting like the smiley, happy kid he was when he usually got back from school. He normally was full of stories to tell about what happened during the day, what he was learning in school, and so on.
He didn’t give me a second glance as we strode inside, and he immediately went upstairs to his room.
I had a half hour before it was mandatory homework time, and I went upstairs to see Dewy in his room sulking on his bed.
“What's wrong, Dew drop?” I asked him.
He looked startled. So lost in his thoughts, he didn't even notice I was in the room.
“Nothing,” he said quickly.
I sunk down on the bed next to him. “Come on. You can tell me and then I can help you.”
He let out a big breath and then went silent. For a moment I didn't think he was going to say anything until he did.
“My friends at school invited me to the kickball activity today.”
“That sounds fun,” I said, not understanding.
He nodded. “Yeah. It is fun. But I can’t help but feel... feeling… anxious,” he finally said in a near whisper, even though no one was around to hear it.
I glanced toward his cubicle that his medication came out of. He was on the smallest dose prescribed and hadn’t shown any signs of anxiety prior to this.
“Why are you anxious, bud?”
“There is this… girl, Adelena. She is going to be at kickball too. I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of her. I keep thinking such awful things: like I run up to kick the ball and my pants fall down, or I miss it completely and fall on my back.”
“I understand,” I said. “It’s ok to feel this way. Whenever I get like that, I try to take deep, calming breaths, in through my nose, out through my mouth. Like this,” I showed him, exaggerating my breaths.
He copied me, and the little extra oxygen intake did wonders for him. He relaxed and calmed down.
“Now, whenever you start to think about those bad thoughts, I want you to look around and count five things where you are that are red. Then after that count five things that start with the letter B. Think you can do that?”
He nodded, and then began looking around immediately, taking on the task I had given him. I smiled to myself. It wasn't at all important what he was doing, but it was a good distraction. A mind can only think about so much at one time. After he was done, he turned to me and smiled.
“How about if I come to kickball with you? Would that be good?” I asked him.
His smile lit up his entire face. I hugged him to my chest, unable to cope with how adorable he was. I would do anything for this little boy. He held my whole heart in the palm of his hand. I wasn’t even sure he knew how much I cared for him. I could not describe it in words.
We breezed through the homework. When kickball time came, I was the pitcher and Dew scored two doubles and a home run, putting his team in the lead. Adelena came over to congratulate him. I couldn’t hide the smile that peeked out. I turned away, to give him privacy while he talked to her. I didn't want to annoy him by hovering. Instead, I headed to the car and started it up. The kickball field was about a ten-minute drive from my house. The sun was beginning to set and as I waited in my car, I looked on my tablet calendar to see what was coming up later this month.
Career Day
It was written there in big bold letters. I swallowed the lump in my throat, and my body broke out in goosebumps. I would have to go to the dentist's office alone tomorrow. I would hear the drilling sounds, and the moans of pain. I was sure to have a panic attack, and that was something I did not want to happen.
I felt the air being punched out of my lungs and my stomach dropped. I started sweating and shaking, which left me feeling uneasy and weak. I couldn’t let it happen. I couldn’t let it happen!
I took some deep breaths, but they didn’t do much to calm me down. Career day was a big deal, huge. It would ensure the inevitable, that I would be stuck there every day for basically the rest of my life or until my third ascension.
Ian’s words flooded through my head, and I quickly tried to push them aside. I could do this. I would be uncomfortable, but I would get through it; just like I had every single time something has bothered me. I have made it through a lot of hard days already.
A knock on the passenger-side window nearly made me jump out of my skin. I blocked the instinct to scream when I saw it was Dew. I exhaled in relief and then turned to unlock the car door for him.
“We better hurry. Only five minutes till curfew,” he told me.
He was smiling, and I hoped the conversation had gone well with Adelena. I nodded and put the car in reverse to head home for dinner, but spotted Ian sitting in another one of those park benches not far
from the field.
What was he doing here? Was he watching me?
He was supposed to be participating in his extracurricular activity. I studied him from a far. His long legs laid out in front of him as he leaned back against the bench and looked at the sky. My breath caught in my throat, and my hands started to sweat. I have heard of physical attraction, and I knew what the symptoms were. But, never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that it would be something that happened
to me.
Is that what this is? A crush? Well, I needed to shut this down. I certainly couldn’t deal with a guy right now. Especially not one that had problems with anxiety too.
Chapter 4
“Did I ever tell you why I named you Rainy?” Dr. Summers, also known as my father, said.
“Only about a hundred times,” I remarked, munching on my broccoli.
I got a good dinner tonight, one of my favorites, seasoned broccoli with sirloin steak.
“Well, I could have named you Chocolate or Fuzzy. But I don’t think anything tops a good rainy summer’s day or a fresh dewy morning.”
Being a psychiatrist, my father named his children after things that caused peace and joy within him.
“I think Dewy is better,” my brother piped in, and I couldn't help but laugh.
“Rainy,” my mother said. “President Thorne will be coming to visit the city this week, and rumor has it that he is looking for a partner.”
I choked on my steak, and I reached for water. I gulped it down greedily just so I could breathe again.
“What?” I managed to get out.
“You know, I wouldn’t think it would be a bad idea to at least introduce yourself,” my mom said. “She is a pretty girl,” she said talking to my father. “I think that Thorne would be interested.”
I tried to disguise the fear on my face, but I just knew that my eyes were as wide as saucers. “I’m not really interested in the life of a president’s wife,” I said, trying to remind them that I do have a say in this as it was my life.
“That is fine, but you never know. He isn’t much older than you, and you may meet him and hit it off. It is worth a shot.”
“But -” I tried to say, but she cut me off.
“Even if you don’t fall for each other, having a great and important connection would be wonderful for your career. You could move up in this society and become a higher member. I know that the girls in this city are going to be swarming him from the first moment he arrives. It will be hard to get noticed. I heard he is going to be having a press conference at the town hall. We can fix you up to look your best and give you the best shot you can at being noticed.”
I didn’t want to be noticed, especially by him. His cruel, cold posture came to mind, and I hid the shiver that ran down my spine. When I looked at him, I could only think, killer, monster. I would get the same feelings from him that I got on our yearly field trip to the jail, where they showed why it was so important to follow the laws in place. The crooks and criminals in there were haunted by nightmares. When I was a child, those field trips caused my need for sleeping pills for three years.
I wouldn’t be getting out of this one, though. I would have to attend the press conference, but despite my parents’ wishes, I would do everything I could to blend in. I dreaded having to see the president in person, let alone be within a few feet of him.
I just nodded and smiled as my parents continued onto other topics of conversation. I looked towards Dew, and he raised his eyebrows and gave me a wary look; one that I couldn’t help but return.
******
All morning, my head was spinning. There was no way I would ever want to be the president’s wife. However, if that was my only other option compared to being a dentist, it might be better for me. I wouldn’t be forced to endure a career that I hated. But a high-profile government figure would come with a spotlight. I wouldn’t be able to hide my anxiety and was sure to get caught.
I also thought of Ian. It seemed like I couldn’t get him out of my head, no matter how hard I tried. I was tempted to pinch myself every time I thought of him, and condition myself to stop. But I didn’t really want to stop. I never had these kinds of thoughts before. I rhis charming smile, his throaty laugh, the scalding look in his eyes that made my stomach flip. I wondered what it would feel like to hold his hand, to hug him, to kiss him?
But he was forbidden and forever will be. I didn’t want to associate with him; he was bad news. I needed to stay as far away from him as I could even if I was tempted to get close.
I saw him as I was walking into school. He was in the same spot as before, but his eyes were on me as I walked. My body flushed under his scrutiny, but I didn’t want him to look away either. I met his eyes for a moment and was taken back by the heat in his eyes. Does he like me too? Does he want to be with me?
No. Stop. Not happening! Didn’t matter what he thought of me or what I thought of him.
Ian stayed on my mind while I walked into my first class and sat down at my desk. I rested my head on my hands. I felt restless. I wanted to bounce my leg. I felt like I needed to get up and run.
My teacher dimmed the lights and moved to the projector. She set up her computer to play a video called, The Bloody War.
Around the time our country, Euphoria, came into power, other countries tried to overthrow our new, fragile country. Euphoria had remarkable soldiers, obtained from the countries that we overtook. We were able to fend off five different countries’ attacks, but not without casualties. There were more casualties than the world had ever experienced from a battle.
I knew that the video was going to be violent even before it started playing. What happens if I have a panic attack? What happens if everyone in my entire class was there to witness it?
I felt like I was going to pass out, and I knew it was going to happen. The lights in the classroom were dim, so I began shaking my leg needing to move in some way. I hoped nobody noticed in the dark. I bit my lip painfully; I think I drew blood. In through the nose out through the mouth. I can do this. I can do this.
The video started, and I looked anywhere but at the screen. I couldn't breathe. I needed to get out of the classroom, but I couldn’t. I was stuck. Trapped!
My legs bounced restlessly on the floor, and I tapped my thumb to each finger and counted the beats, hoping to distract myself. I wanted to cry. This was absolute torture.
I don’t want to have to deal with this. I don’t want to have to feel like this. I don’t want to feel like this.
My palms started sweating, and I rubbed them on my jeans. My head felt hot and heavy. I placed my cold hand on the back of my neck, hoping to cool down my temperature.
I didn’t even notice my teacher squatting down on the floor next to me. She placed a hand on my back, and I leaned forward and laid on the desk. I closed my eyes, and tried to breathe, but I felt like someone was pressing on my lungs.
I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to feel like this. I hate this. I hate this. Why does this happen to me? Why does this happen to me?
The tears ran freely down my face. My teacher grabbed my hand and pulled me out of my seat. I followed her, barely aware of what I was doing. We got into the hallway. I knew I should have felt relief, but the walls were spinning, and I felt like I was going to fall over. I needed to sit down or else I was going to pass out.
Blood rushed from my face as I pulled my arm from out of her hold and sank to the floor. I placed my head between my knees, unable to think about anything other than feeling better. That was the priority. Nothing else mattered now.
I heard voices, but I tried to shut them out. Any sound made me feel sick. Every time my heart pounded in my chest, I felt it shake my entire body. My heart was going to beat out of my chest. I was going to stop breathing. I felt like I was dying. I just wanted it to stop.
My silent tears turned into sobs. I felt a pinch in my arm and raised my head and saw other adults surrounding me. One of those adults happened to be my dad. What was he doing here?
I looked down toward my arm. They gave me an injection. My vision started to fuzz, and I felt very sleepy. I wanted to go home. I wanted to lay in my bed, curl in a ball, and never leave. I wanted this to be over. I wanted everything to be over. My world went black.
*****
I was not sure how much time had passed when I woke up. I opened my eyes to an empty room, besides a form and a capsule of medication on my desk. I got up and moved towards it.
“Patient needs additional medication. Will take a green capsule twice a day,” I read aloud from the form.
Great, more medication. I am sure my panic attack put me on their spectrum again. But they were probably watching out for me. I took a deep breath - in through my nose out through my mouth.
My body felt really weak, and my head was foggy. I got back in my bed and snuggled under the covers. I looked on my bedside table to see the time on my alarm clock, 2:55 am - wow! I slept for a long time. Whatever they gave me really knocked me out. I still felt extremely drowsy. I could tell the drug had some lingering effects. Was that the same injection they gave Ian? I was out of it, so I wasn’t paying close attention.
How did I let the panic attack get that far? It felt like this was all just a bad dream, not something that could have actually happened. I have never had an attack that bad at school before. Am I getting worse? Next time I go to school, will the same thing happen? Will any amount of medication help me? Are they going to send me? No. Stop. Breathe.
I just needed to relax. Nothing was going to happen to me. I was going to be ok. I looked at the ceiling and tried to count my breaths to lull me back to sleep. I loved sleeping because it was the only time I was free. I would escape from my mind, and I didn’t have to face anything. It was like pressing pause and giving me a break from my stressful life.
I thought back to what upset me, and I am not even sure what triggered it. I was just so nervous to have a panic attack that it spurred me right into one. I didn’t even have a chance to prevent the full-blown attack from occurring. I had no idea how I was going to make it through Career Day. Hopefully, the extra medication would help for now.
In the corner of my vision, I saw a shadow move, and I jumped. I looked toward the window and saw that it was just the shadow from a tree. I exhaled in relief, but still felt a little jumpy. I pulled the covers over my head and tried to fall back to sleep.
