Drowning in secrets, p.8
Drowning In Secrets, page 8
“Where are the stones?” I asked.
“On a few islands that are thousands of miles from here,” Mak said. “But enough talk about the book. You guys should be heading to bed. You have your first interviews tomorrow. There is no way for you to access your powers until two weeks with no medication in your system. So, they use that time to find out your triggers, symptoms, and how to make the process as easy as possible.”
Even as he said it, Mak had a look of sympathy on his face as if he knew what horrors we would be going through. I shivered, and then I felt Ian’s warm hand wrap around mine under the table, giving it a gentle squeeze.
A tap on my shoulder made me turn and come face to face with a little girl. She was tiny and couldn’t have been more than five years old. She was wearing bright pink and her straight blonde hair was slightly clipped back with a bow. She held out a bright yellow flower and tried to hand it to me.
“This is for you,” the young girl said. “From me and my brother, David.”
I looked where she was pointing to see a baby boy cooing happily in his mother’s arms, while the mother smiled apologetically at me.
“I love it,” I told the sweet girl. “And what is your name?”
“Tiffanee. I have to go now, or else Mommy will be mad. Bye!”
I laughed as she skipped away. Everyone here was so nice and friendly, I think I could definitely get used to it. Ian and I rose from the table, and he gently plucked the flower from my hand and slipped it behind my ear. My face heated, and I looked towards the ground smiling.
Chapter 11
“So, what would you say is your biggest fear?” Dr. Feather asked me.
I was sitting in an office, filled with comfy chairs and fancy pillows. Across from me sat Dr. Feather; she had beautiful cocoa skin, and big brown eyes. Her smile was warm and kind, and I could see myself easily trusting her. In the corner of the room sat a man, Dr. Path. He was silent and sat with a clipboard in hand taking notes vigorously. He didn’t talk, but he looked up and held my stare every once in a while. I looked back towards Dr. Feather.
“I don’t know,” I told her. “I mean, a lot of things make me uncomfortable. I am not sure what the biggest thing is.”
I sunk back into the cushions and fought the urge to fall asleep. I barely got any sleep last night.
“I see. What are some of those things?” she asked.
I felt the sensation of anxiety coursing through me, and I bit my lip. I didn’t like to think about what bothered me, let alone talk about it.
“Well,” I said after a moment, “I don’t like going to the doctor’s office, or to the dentist. Anything medically related makes me feel uncomfortable. And those war videos they play in class always make me worry that I am going to freak out.”
“And what scares you? Is it the blood? Seeing people hurt?”
“I am not sure.” I looked over to see the man scribbling again. “When I was little, I had a few panic attacks in the doctor's office, and also at the dentist’s office. I am not sure what exactly triggered me. All I know is that I didn’t like feeling like that. I never wanted to feel like that. And the videos,” I continued, “with everyone in the room watching them as well. I felt like they were staring at me. Watching me go crazy. I knew none of them would think twice about reporting me, and before I knew it, I would be sent off to The Facility. I just don’t want to feel bad. I want to feel good, but it is like a fog comes over my mind and I can’t control anything. My heart beats so fast; I feel like I am going to have a heart attack, and I feel like I can’t breathe. I am…” I took a breath, “scared that I am going to faint. I don’t want to lose control of myself. I don’t want to go crazy.”
Suddenly, I realized how hot it had gotten in the room, and my breathing escalated into wheezing. I couldn't believe I was actually expressing my fears and anxieties! Dr. Feather leaned forward and placed her hand on my knee.
“You are not crazy, nor are you going to go crazy.” Her touch and words calmed me slightly. “I think you are very brave, Rainy, for everything you have experienced and been through. It takes a strong person to deal with those kinds of things. Not only did you deal with them, but you acted like nothing was wrong. I have seen your records. Although you do have a high medication intake, there were barely any reports of you showing any symptoms of anxiety. You were able to handle yourself very well.”
She took a breath, removed her hand, and leaned back in her chair. “Now why don’t we call it a day. You go back to your room and get some rest. Dealing with anxiety can take more out of a person than you might think.”
I nodded and thanked her for talking to me. I exited the office and headed straight to my room. She was right, I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.
*****
“Rainy, I brought you some food,” Freddee said, leaning over my bed with a tray.
I looked at the clock on the wall and saw that I’d slept for several hours.
“Thank you,” I said, taking the turkey sandwich and french fries she brought back for me.
“No problem, I was thinking that after you finish eating, I can take you down to the library and show you those books I was telling you about.”
“That would be great!” I told her.
My mood lifted instantly. I ate the delicious food, and then we headed down to the U.P.’s library on the second floor. When the door swished aside, I was greeted by thousands upon thousands of books. They were all in grand bookcases. Some would require a ladder to reach. I ran my finger along some of the closest book spines.
“I don’t think I have ever seen so many books in one place.”
“These are just science and history books,” she told me. “Let me take you to the fun section.”
We walked toward the other side of the room, where three large bookcases stood. I could tell instantly that they were different because their spines were a variety of colors, rather than the typical dark brown and black of the science and history books. I pulled one off the shelf and saw a picture of a boy riding a broomstick.
“What’s this?” I asked her.
She looked at the cover then beamed at me. “Harry Potter. One of my favorites. It is about magic and wizards.”
“Wizards? Never heard of those before. So Interesting.”
“Yeah! You will love it.”
She started climbing up the ladder and pulled different books down from the shelves. Before I knew it, she had a huge stack on one of the tables. I plopped down in a nearby chair and started to look through them.
There were a variety of different books, romance books, a book with a person with fangs on the cover, and another one had a trident on it. I started reading, and time passed by quickly. It was after midnight by the time I finished my second book, and I knew I was addicted. I loved how the different words flowed from the page creating places in my mind that I never knew were possible. I asked Freddee if I could bring one back to our room to read, and she nodded. We each grabbed a book and yawned as we headed back to our room.
We passed the fitness room, and I looked inside and saw Ian running on the treadmill. He was already making use of the new resources. He was fast, really fast. I stopped to watch for a minute. He got off the treadmill and started lifting heavy weights. I was transfixed by the way his muscles moved under his t-shirt, and how his strong legs supported him as he lifted the weight over his head.
Not wanting to be caught staring, I shifted my gaze to the floor in front of me, my cheeks instantly heated. I looked up to catch the knowing gaze Freddee sent my way. Embarrassed, I walked slightly ahead of her back to the room and got in bed and read myself to sleep.
*****
The days went by quickly. My mornings were spent talking to Dr. Feather, and the rest of the time I read with Freddee in the library. I noticed that although she pushed many fiction books my way, she tended to read more science-based material. I could see that Freddee was actually really smart and knew a lot about the world around her.
I didn’t really see Ian much, other than at meals. He seemed to be doing okay, though. It wasn’t hard to notice how much everyone loved it here. I knew that Dewy would like it here. He would have plenty of kids to play with, and books to read.
“I have a diagnosis for you, Rainy,” Dr Feather told me, snapping me out of my thoughts.
“You do?” I asked.
“Yes. Based on our discussions with you over the past few days and our data analysis, we have determined that you suffer from a condition called agoraphobia. This is the fear of feeling helpless in a situation where it is hard to escape. To put it simply, you don’t really have any specific thing that scares you, other than a panic attack itself. You have a fear of panic attacks.”
“Why do you say that?” I asked, but just listening to her diagnosis, I already knew it was true.
“Well, as you told me a few days ago, if you were forced to watch a war video in your house by yourself, you think you would be able to do it. However, the idea of doing it in a public classroom, surrounded by other students gives you the fear of possibly having a panic attack. You worry about worrying. The symptoms of anxiety for you are so uncomfortable, that you have learned to fear them. I bet whenever you experience any of your regular symptoms, your mind automatically takes you to the idea that you are having a panic attack.”
I nodded. What she was saying was true, but I just didn’t understand. “So, I am not afraid of blood, needles, or death?”
“It may have started that way, and they may have guided the process along, but no. That is not your true fear. If you didn’t have the 'what if’ thoughts about having a panic attack, you might be slightly uncomfortable, but you would be able to get through it. When you went to the dentist office for career day what did you fear most, the panic attack you might have or what they were doing to their patients?”
I thought for a second. “I guess the panic attack. I was scared that if I had one on career day, I would have one every single time I went in for work. I didn’t want to feel that way. I hate the feeling more than anything.”
Dr. Feather nodded. “Now that you have your diagnosis and enough time has passed, we can move into stage two and unlock your powers. After you unlock them, you will go to stage three which is overall fitness training and learning to control your powers.”
“Wait!” I said, shooting up from my seat. “I didn’t say I want to unlock my powers. I don’t want to have a panic attack again.”
Dr. Feather looked at me with sympathy. “I understand, darling. I do but let me tell you two reasons why I think you should do it. First, after you get through this your anxiety symptoms will decrease by ninety percent, which basically means that you may experience small symptoms of anxiety, but you most likely won’t have a panic attack ever again.”
“What's the second reason?” I asked nervously.
“The second reason is that Frank wanted me to make sure that you were on the path to unlocking your powers. He told me that almost every vision he has seen of our near future involves you taking a stand for us. You are the key to our victory over Euphoria.”
The rest of the day I barely spoke a word to anyone. I was too caught up in my head, wondering what I should do. The idea of liberating myself from anxiety sounded amazing. But, thinking back to what I went through just a few days ago made me sick. I was not sure if I could put myself through it again. I tried to read, but my mind couldn’t process the words that I saw.
I gave up on reading and tried to distract myself with the others around me.
“How did you guys get to the U.P.?” I asked the table as we ate dinner.
I could not touch any of my food. I had no appetite and the idea of eating right now grossed me out.
“Well,” Freddee responded, “most of us were on the cusp of being sent to The Facility. Frank has men on the inside that kept track of who was reaching the maximum on their medications, and they recruited us to come out here. They had to be careful; if too many people went missing at once, it would have drawn attention. So, out of all the people that live in Euphoria, only about a couple hundred are down here with us.”
“Was it hard leaving your families?” I asked and got mixed responses.
Lesslee, Freddee, and Mak said yes - almost in unison - while the others said no.
“You have to understand,” said Lesslee. “The government has instilled so much fear around experiencing anxiety that some parents have no hesitation about shunning their own children who experience it.”
“That's horrible,” I said, and she nodded with a frown.
I caught Ian’s eye. I felt desperate to talk to him in private, about what he was going to do. I nudged my head toward the door, and he nodded.
“Well, Misty and I are going to head out. We will see you guys in the morning.”
I followed him out the doors, he grabbed my hand, and then turned down a few hallways leading us into the giant greenhouse. I hadn’t been here yet. It was ginormous, with rows of fresh fruit and vegetables being sprouted. Everything was so green, and I could smell the scent of the soil. A bunch of smaller plants were hoisted up on tables and they were currently being watered with a mist-like sprinkler.
“What’s wrong?” Ian asked me and released my hand.
I turned to him. “How do you know something is wrong?”
“You get a little crinkle in between your brows when you are upset or worried,” he said, and my heart fluttered at the thought that he noticed something like that about me.
“It’s the powers,” I told him. “I am not sure I will be able to go through with it. I am not sure I want to go through with it.”
He nodded and was silent for a moment. “I think I am going to do it,” he said, and I looked up at him quickly.
“You are? Why?”
“Because I am sick of feeling powerless. Anxiety has taken so much from me. So, it is time that I take something back. Just think about it, all our normal anxiety, the shadow that clouds our minds, will be gone. We will be free from the agony and torture within our mind. And think of the difference we could make. I have listened to these people, and what they are saying makes sense. Euphoria may appear to be good and want peace among all, but the government is just hiding everything that is really bad about it. They are unwilling to let people reach their full potential. They are unwilling to give people the power to choose. I think I could help the U.P.; I think we both could help them.”
“But what happens if this breaks us? What happens if we will never be the same after this?” My lower lip trembled in worry.
“I don’t want to be the same. I don’t want to be afraid every minute that someone I care about is going to be taken away from me. I want to be the best version of myself, and right now this,” he pointed to himself, “is not it. As for it breaking us, I think we have both been through some pretty hard shit. We have had no one to help us in the past, and we got through it. We have made it through one hundred percent of our hard days. I think we can do it one more time; push ourselves a tiny bit more, and then it will all be over, and we can finally have peace. Isn’t that worth it, having to suffer a little to be rewarded with so much?”
I pressed my lips together. What he was saying made sense. But I didn’t know if I was that brave. I didn’t know if I could be that person.
“Plus, imagine how much easier it would be with powers for you to get your brother, and for me to break my sister out of The Facility.”
My eyes bugged at that. “You want to break your sister out of The Facility?”
“Of course,” he said harshly. “She is being tortured there. I want to get her out as soon as I can. I know Frank said he is working on some master plan to break them out, but I might have to take action sooner than that.”
I nodded. I would do the same for my brother, so I shouldn't be surprised.
“Ok,” I will do it,” I said as a tear rolled down my cheek.
Ian quickly stepped forward and brushed the tear away with his thumb.
“We will get through this together, ok?” He consoled me, as he reached out and gave my hand a gentle squeeze.
“Ok,” I said, and let out a breath.
He stared at me for a long time with a strange look in his eyes. It made my stomach flutter.
He leaned forward and placed a light kiss on my cheek, but I felt it all the way down to my toes. It made me want to smile and run around dancing. I held in my emotion as he looked me in the eye and then left the greenhouse. I will get through this. I can get through this. I had to get through this.
******
“We just need each of your signatures, here and here,” Dr. Feather said, pointing to different sections on the paper.
Ian and I were sitting in Dr. Feather’s office. Frank and a bunch of other U.P. members were present. Ian and I leaned forward and signed all the designated places.
It wasn’t even a full minute after I put my pen down before Frank said, “Detain her.”
Immediately, two men came over to where I was sitting. They grabbed me under each arm and hauled me upward. What is happening? I started thrashing in their hold, but they held me steady.
“Where are they taking me?” I shouted at Frank.
Frank would not make eye contact with me. Was I really such a fool to believe?
Red, hot anger coursed through me. I thought they were supposed to help us. Not make us feel like prisoners, like criminals. The men holding me were rough, and I had a feeling there would be bruises left behind from where their fingers were digging into my skin.
I looked over to see Dr. Feather sitting calmly in her chair, her hands folded in her lap. Everyone is the room ignored my pleas, their faces devoid of emotion. I stomped on one of the men’s feet, and he let out a grunt. His hold loosened slightly. I struggled to get free, but he quickly latched back on.
I frantically looked toward Ian. He stood looking at me, eyes wide, and obviously confused as to what was going on. He started to run toward me, but two more men grabbed him from behind and held him steady. What are they doing to us?
