The notekeeper, p.24
The Notekeeper, page 24
At that they both laughed and suddenly Zoe wanted nothing more than to roll around the floor giggling until she couldn’t giggle any more.
‘You know, you’ve got a lovely laugh,’ Ben said, his statement bringing her laughter to a stop.
Glancing at him, Zoe noticed he was looking at her the way he used to. It was as if she was the only woman in the room and he had all the time in the world reserved just for her.
‘I’ve been thinking about you and us a lot lately,’ he began.
‘Okay,’ Zoe said. She felt nervous. Things were becoming easier between the two of them. She didn’t want that to change.
‘It’s been hard, this break-up thing,’ he continued.
Ben’s brow was slick with sweat and his eyes kept darting to the floor.
‘It has,’ she agreed. ‘But I’m glad we’re friends. I’d hate to lose that.’
Neither of them said anything as they allowed the chatter and laughter of the guests to wash over them.
‘The thing is, Zoe,’ Ben tried again, ‘I think I’ve made a huge mistake.’
Zoe’s heart banged against her chest.
‘What do you mean?’
‘When I broke up with you, I think I might have been a bit hasty. I was hurt, and still recovering from surgery. I overreacted and rather than talk to you and try to understand, I ended things. I was stupid and I lashed out. It was only natural you would want to deal with something as momentous as your divorce settlement in your own time. I was stupid. Zoe, I miss you so much. I can’t stand being without you any more.’
Zoe’s heart was beating so loudly she was struggling to hear anything else over the roar of adrenaline in her ears.
She shook her head. ‘You were right, Ben. I should have signed those papers earlier and I should have told you about David. I handled it badly.’
‘We’re a right pair, aren’t we?’ Ben moved towards her and reached for her hand. ‘But ultimately life all boils down to this, doesn’t it?’ He gestured towards the crowd gathered around them, celebrating the life of Madeleine Harper. ‘We all end up here one way or another – might as well enjoy the journey while we can. And, Zoe, I’m not enjoying my journey without you, so what I’m trying to say in this horribly crass way is would you come back to me?’
A part of Zoe wanted to grab this moment with both hands and allow Ben to sweep her into his arms. But another part of her recognised she had been on enough emotional roller coasters for one lifetime. She needed to take stock, slow down.
‘Can I think about it?’
Ben’s face fell. ‘Yes. I’m sorry, didn’t mean to ambush you.’
Ben let her hand go, and Zoe laid a hand on his forearm. ‘You didn’t. I just need some time.’
She set her glass down and walked out of the pub, unsure if she had just made the worst decision of her life.
Chapter Forty-One
‘I cannot believe you said no,’ Sarah said for the umpteenth time that morning.
Zoe sipped a mouthful of champagne as she perched on the chair of the posh bridal shop and glared at her. ‘And I can’t believe you’re ruining my Saturday morning off by not only making me come wedding dress shopping with you but having a go at me too. I thought you’d be pleased at my restraint.’
‘Pleased?’ Sarah screeched. Her friend was dressed in a strapless white dress that Zoe thought made her look like Barbie – and not in a good way. ‘Have you lost your mind? Why would I be pleased you and lover boy aren’t back together?’
‘Because I thought you would see it as evidence of the way I’m growing. How I don’t need a man to define me or make me feel whole after Sean,’ Zoe reasoned.
Sarah smiled at the shopkeeper, who was doing her best to look disinterested. Placing a delicate white veil on her head, Sarah admired her reflection. ‘And I am pleased, but Zoe, it’s Ben.’
‘So?’ She glanced at Sarah, their eyes meeting in the mirror.
‘So you’re surely not going to keep him hanging about forever? You guys are made for each other; any fool can see that.’
‘That might be true, but my head feels as if it’s been all over the place lately. If me and Ben get back together, I want it to be because we’re both ready. He was right, I do have emotional baggage. I am technically still married and I do still have weird mixed-up feelings for David – he was the father of my child, after all.’
Sarah snatched the veil off and shook her head. ‘Zoe, you really need to get on with it.’
‘What do you mean?’ Zoe asked with a frown.
‘I mean Ben is hot; he won’t hang about for long.’ Sarah disappeared into the changing room with another white dress.
Zoe said nothing and instead smiled sympathetically at the shopkeeper, who was standing in the corner of the room doing her best to keep her expression blank. Zoe took another sip of champagne. When Sarah asked her to come wedding dress shopping with her last night Zoe had agreed, sure it would be fun. She had enjoyed hunting for her own gown with her girlfriends when she married David, but this morning, with Sarah’s lack of support over her decision not to get back together with Ben, the day was fast losing its shine.
‘How are you getting on?’ Zoe called, trying to hurry her friend up.
‘Fine,’ Sarah replied as she emerged from the dressing rom.
At the sight of her friend in a cream spaghetti-strap gown, with tiny Swarovski crystals covering the bodice, Zoe gasped. ‘Oh, Sarah, you look beautiful.’
Sarah’s eyes were full of tears as she beamed at Zoe, her face flushed. ‘I think this is the one.’
Zoe crouched down behind her friend to make little adjustments to the train. ‘Definitely. It was made for you.’
Recognising that she might be near a sale, the shopkeeper took charge of the situation. ‘It fits you like a glove,’ she said authoritatively, but gently moving Zoe out of the way to expertly pull the gown this way and that. ‘Are you planning on losing weight for the wedding?’
Sarah shook her head. ‘He says I’m perfect just as I am and I don’t want to change for him or anyone else.’
The shopkeeper beamed. ‘Then it sounds to me like you’ve found a good man. I’ve served more brides than I care to remember and I always say, when you know, you know.’
At the statement, Sarah raised an eyebrow at Zoe. ‘You hear that? When you know, you know.’
* * *
Later that day, as Zoe arrived at work that afternoon, Sarah and the shopkeeper’s words were still ringing in her ears.
‘Good morning then?’ Miles asked from his position behind the nurses’ desk.
She sank into the seat beside him. ‘That depends on whether your idea of fun is drinking champagne and watching your best friend try on wedding dresses.’
At the mention of the words ‘wedding dress’, Miles lit up. ‘Yeah? Did she find something?’
Zoe grinned. ‘She did and she looks beautiful. You’ll love it when you see it.’
‘I can’t wait.’ Miles pressed his hands to his heart. ‘I mean it, I just want to be married to this woman. I don’t care how, when or where. She could turn up in a bin liner and I’d still say she was the most gorgeous bride in the world.’
‘What happened to you?’ Zoe marvelled, as she leaned over to ruffle his hair. ‘My little Miles has grown up!’
‘Get off,’ Miles grumbled, moving away from her.
Zoe giggled. ‘I’m serious. I think it’s brilliant about you two. I couldn’t see it before but you make a great couple.’
Miles looked at her in surprise. ‘I think there’s a compliment in there.’
‘There is. I’m delighted for you both.’ She grinned as she surveyed the peace of the day room.
‘And what about you? You and Ben looked as if you were getting a little cosy at the funeral yesterday…’ Miles ventured.
‘Don’t act like you don’t know. I’m sure Sarah was straight on the phone to tell you Ben asked me to get back together.’
Miles looked sheepish. ‘Actually, Ben told me after you left.’
At the admission, Zoe felt wrong-footed. ‘Oh.’
‘Listen, I think you’re being smart,’ Miles said, leaning forward in his chair as if to emphasise how seriously he was taking Zoe’s situation.
‘Now I am worried.’
‘No, you’ve been through heaps; you ought to have a bit of time out, something I pointed out to Ben.’
‘That was thoughtful,’ Zoe mused.
‘It’s true. I think you and him make a good pair but it can’t be all on his terms. It’s got to work for you.’
‘That’s what I said to Sarah.’
‘You take your time. No sense rushing things,’ Miles advised. ‘When you know, you know.’
And there it was, that expression again. Zoe groaned inwardly. It was all too much to think about. Right now, all she wanted to focus on was work.
‘Anything I need to know about?’ she asked, gesturing to the diary.
Miles shook his head. ‘It’s all been fairly run-of-the-mill but there’s an official-looking package from Australia and Mr Harper dropped a letter off for you in your pigeonhole.’
Zoe frowned. ‘For me? Did anyone else get one?’
Miles shook his head. ‘Said he found it in Mrs Harper’s things.’
Getting to her feet, Zoe reached for her post. Discarding her copy of the Nursing Times and various fliers, she soon saw the packet with the all too familiar Australian Registered Post logo. Puzzled, she ripped it open and let out a gasp of surprise as she did so.
‘What is it?’ Miles asked.
Zoe pulled out the official white papers and examined them. ‘It’s my decree absolute. I’m officially divorced. David must have arranged to have it sent here as he knows this is where I spend half my life these days.’
Miles rested a hand on her shoulder. ‘You all right?’
Pausing for a moment, Zoe considered the question before she answered. ‘You know what? I really am.’
‘I think that’s great, Zo,’ Miles said softly. ‘It can’t have been easy.’
‘No, but it was the right decision. It just took me a while to realise it,’ Zoe admitted. ‘That’s it now, I’m free.’
Miles smiled. ‘I guess you are. Ironic, you’re getting divorced just as I’m planning on getting hitched.’
Zoe laughed. ‘I’m sure yours will go better than mine did.’
‘Oh, I dunno, it’s just about finding the right person,’ Miles observed. ‘Relationships aren’t about luck, they’re about love.’
Zoe shook her head in astonishment at him. ‘You have really changed.’
Miles nudged her playfully. ‘Don’t be a drongo, mate.’
‘Okay, maybe there’s still room to go.’ She grinned as she reached for the next letter. Turning it over in her hands, she saw her name was written in thick, almost calligraphic handwriting on a square pale-blue envelope.
Dear Zoe,
For the notekeeper herself. I felt it only right I leave you a few words. You showed me a kindness and love I never expected to find at the end of my life and for that I want to thank you. I have always believed love to be in very short supply during our lifetime and so if you find it you should cherish it. We may not have known one another long, but I believe we shared a kinship, a uniqueness all of its own. Zoe, you deserve to find love in your life again. Go after it at every chance you get.
Yours affectionately,
Madeleine Harper
Zoe was filled with warmth at Mrs Harper’s words. This lovely woman had known just how to reach her. Together they had found comfort in each other as they discussed their much-loved but lost sons, and their place in the world as mothers of children now departed. Theirs had been a special relationship and Zoe would always treasure it. Now, Zoe knew that Mrs Harper was right in her final words. Real, true, honest love was hard to come by. If you were lucky enough to find it, that love should be treasured.
Chapter Forty-Two
With the words of the bridal store shopkeeper, the note from Mrs Harper and now her divorce, Zoe was beginning to feel like the universe was trying to tell her to move on. As she lay in bed that Sunday morning, the light summer rain beating against her bedroom window, she couldn’t stop thinking about Mrs Harper’s note. Zoe had read and reread the note, each sentence striking a chord.
Her friend was right. Zoe did want to live a life filled with love, not just for herself but for Sean too. She had been living in limbo for far too long and it was time to stop. To live this way wasn’t just a disservice to herself but also to the memory of Sean. He deserved to be honoured with a mother who could love and live life to the fullest. Now, she wanted nothing more than to put right the mistakes she knew she had made – before it was too late.
Swinging her legs out of bed, Zoe crossed the room to her wardrobe and cast her eyes over the three boxes of stationery that rested on the top shelf. Usually, she knew instinctively which card to write in or which notepaper to pick. Today, though, she wasn’t sure. When her eyes lingered on the shooting star notepaper she had used to write to Arthur’s widow, Audrey, Zoe felt drawn towards it. A shooting star signalled hope and wishes waiting to come true, and that was surely what was needed for this particular letter.
Tearing off a sheet of paper, she gazed at the blank canvas in front of her and pondered what to say. There was so much in her heart and in her head.
As Zoe chewed the end of her pen, the bridal shopkeeper’s words the previous morning echoed in her head. When you know, you know. The statement swirled around her brain, berries in a smoothie blender, but it propelled her forward and Zoe finally found the few words she wanted to express. Putting pen to paper, she began to write.
* * *
Just over two hours later, Zoe found herself back at the top of town, rain hammering against her windscreen. Finding a parking space a little way from Ben’s house, she clambered out of the car and walked quickly towards his home, rainwater quickly coating her hair and skin. The sky thundered ominously overhead but Zoe didn’t care. Determinedly, she rapped on the door and waited for an answer, but this time there wasn’t the familiar thud of footsteps. Undeterred, she tried again. By now the rain was trickling down the back of her neck and soaking her clothes, but she wasn’t going anywhere, not until she had found him. Only banging against the door for the third time did Zoe realise she was probably going to have to give up, or at least go back to the car and decide what to do next.
Dejected, she turned away and began walking down the street. She had almost reached her car when she saw Ben coming around the corner, his hulking frame hunched under a large golf umbrella.
‘Zoe! What are you doing here?’ he exclaimed.
‘I came to say I’m sorry,’ she said, doing her best to wipe the rain from her face. ‘And to give you this.’
She handed him the shooting star notepaper she had been labouring over that morning.
Smiling in spite of the rain, Ben tore the envelope open and Zoe watched his face as he took in every word.
Dear Ben,
I love you. Please come back to me. If for no other reason than: when you know, you know.
Zoe
As Ben finished reading the few scant lines, he looked up from the paper and smiled. ‘Zoe, I’ve always known. I love you.’
And with that he pulled her under the umbrella and into his arms. As she felt his soft lips against hers, a feeling of warmth flooded her cold body – she was where she belonged.
* * *
They lay in each other’s arms, legs tangled in sheets and one another. Zoe rested her head against Ben’s chest, enjoying the sound of the strong and rhythmic beat echoing in her ear.
‘You never told me what changed your mind, about us getting back together,’ Ben said lazily, as he ran his hand through her hair.
‘It was a couple of things,’ Zoe admitted. ‘I was so hurt when you ended things that I didn’t want to rush into getting back together and making another mistake.’
Ben kissed the top of her head and whispered, ‘I’m sorry.’
‘No, don’t be,’ Zoe said. ‘You did what you felt was right. But when I got a letter from Mrs Harper and my divorce came through all in one go yesterday it seemed like the universe was telling me to stop being a fool.’
‘I was devastated when you said you wouldn’t come back to me,’ he said, his voice thick with emotion. ‘This isn’t a sentence I ever thought I would say, but I’m glad David divorced you and I’m glad you became friends with Mrs Harper.’
‘So am I.’ Zoe laughed. ‘It was the letter from Mrs Harper that clinched it.’
‘What did it say?’ Ben blurted, before realising he was being impolite and hastily said, ‘Not that you have to tell me if it’s private.’
‘It’s not so much private, but special,’ Zoe said, the words of the letter echoing in her mind. ‘She reminded me how precious love is and how we should cherish it when we find it.’
‘That sounds powerful,’ Ben said, his fingers still threaded through Zoe’s hair.
‘It was,’ Zoe agreed. ‘That’s the thing about these notes we write. You’ve seen for yourself the impact they can have on people’s lives.’
Ben paused for a moment, and Zoe sat up to look at him. His face was surprisingly grave.
‘Are you all right?’ she asked.
‘I’m fine now.’ He cupped her chin with his hand, then leaned in to kiss her. As he pulled away, he fixed his eyes on her and smiled. ‘Those notes we delivered to Irene, and April, and Mrs Bell of course – we helped get their lives in order. That’s an incredible feeling.’
‘You did it,’ Zoe said softly, her eyes never leaving Ben’s. ‘You took the words down, you were there for them in their hour of need.’
‘No, Zoe, we did it,’ Ben said softly, leaning forward to kiss her again. ‘Haven’t you worked it out yet? You and me together are unstoppable.’
