The notekeeper, p.26
The Notekeeper, page 26
‘I think it might be the first job for both of us,’ Zoe said, leaning her head on Ben’s shoulder.
‘I should just get the essentials out for now,’ Sarah advised, reaching for her daughter’s hand. ‘Everything else can wait until tomorrow.’
‘Good idea,’ Zoe said, stifling a yawn. Already all she wanted was to crawl into bed. ‘Thank you so much for everything today. I appreciate it.’
‘We both do,’ Ben insisted. ‘You’ll have to come over for dinner soon, as a proper thank you.’
‘Cheers, mate.’ Miles patted Ben’s shoulder as he made his way past them and out into the hallway.
Sarah kissed Ben on the cheek, then Zoe, and Lottie hugged their legs, clinging to them like a koala to a tree before Sarah gently dragged her away with promises they would be back very soon.
‘Here we are,’ Ben whispered once they were all alone. ‘Our first home. What shall we christen first?’
Zoe laughed and sank onto the sofa. Her back ached and her feet were sore. ‘How about we have a rest for a minute?’
‘Typical.’ Ben rolled his eyes as he sat beside her and looped an arm around her shoulders. ‘They say all the passion goes the moment you move in together.’
Closing her eyes, Zoe allowed the tiredness to seep through her bones. It had been a long day and she didn’t have the energy to rebut Ben’s lame jokes.
‘How about a glass of wine?’ she suggested as she opened her eyes.
At the idea, Ben visibly brightened. ‘Yes, though I’m not sure our glasses will have survived after the way Miles was lugging those boxes about.’
‘We can use mugs,’ Zoe suggested.
She soon found the wine and two mismatched but clean glasses and returned with a drink for each of them.
‘Any regrets?’ Zoe couldn’t help asking as she handed him a glass.
‘None at all,’ Ben said firmly. ‘This is all I’ve ever wanted.’
‘All?’ Zoe smirked. ‘I may not have known you long, Ben Tasker, but I know you well enough to know you’re always on the hunt for a new challenge. What’s next?’
‘Nothing.’ Ben took a long slug of his drink and rested his arm on the back of the couch. ‘I’ve got the dream career, dream girl and the dream flat. What else do I need?’
He leaned forward to kiss her on the lips and Zoe’s stomach rumbled.
‘I need dinner,’ she said. ‘What do you fancy?’
‘Oh God, are we at that stage already?’ Ben cried, his biscuit-coloured eyes filled with horror.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean please let’s not turn into one of those couples where all we can talk about is what we’re having for dinner and whose turn it is to put the bins out.’
‘Never.’ Zoe solemnly made a sign of the cross against her chest. ‘How about some chips from the chippy across the road?’
‘That’s more like it,’ Ben said, his tired eyes briefly lighting up at the prospect.
Later, after Zoe had wrapped up the leftover fish and chips and put them in the bin, she returned to what she already thought of as her place on the sofa beside Ben.
‘That was quite a day,’ he sighed. ‘How often do you get to move in with the love of your life and enjoy a fish and chip supper?’
The words sounded casual. But looking into his eyes as she leaned forward and kissed him, Zoe knew she felt the same way. As she felt his lips against hers, Zoe remembered that lonely journey from Australia to England. She had never expected to find happiness again. Yet she had, and it was largely down to Ben. Like a shining star in the inky black sky, Zoe felt he had guided her towards him and she had felt his light shining on her ever since.
‘Ben Tasker,’ she whispered. ‘Thank you for bringing me back to life.’
Chapter Forty-Five
It had been more than two weeks since Ben and Zoe had moved in together and the couple had surprised even themselves at how they had settled so quickly into a happy rhythm. Each day, whoever was up first made breakfast while the other made the bed. Then they usually drove to work before coming home and spending their evenings nestled on the sofa in contented bliss. The nights were becoming slightly longer now that August had turned into September and Zoe found herself looking forward to cold winter days and nights if it meant she and Ben could snuggle under blankets keeping each other warm.
The only thing that could improve life, Zoe thought, was if Miles stopped asking for a daily progress report on how it was all going. She turned away from the computer screen at the nurses’ station to look up at him. His face was the picture of excitement as he waited for her answer on what Ben had cooked her for dinner the previous night.
‘Miles, why all the interest?’ she asked, bemused. ‘Ever since me and Ben moved in together you’ve taken more interest in my love life than a teenage girl. What’s going on?’
A flicker of guilt passed across Miles’s features. ‘Nothing. I’m just stoked you’re happy.’
Zoe shook her head. ‘I’m not buying it.’
Miles wrinkled his nose as if thinking about telling the truth, then spoke. ‘I want to ask Sarah if I could move in, that’s all. But I didn’t want to jump straight in just in case.’
‘Just in case?’
Miles looked awkward. ‘Just in case things didn’t work out with Ben again and you needed to go back to Sarah’s.’
At the admission, Zoe threw her head back and cackled with laughter. ‘Miles, you’re hilarious.’
‘No, you asked me to be honest,’ Miles put in, sounding put-out.
As Zoe tried to compose herself, she saw Karen making a beeline for the nurses’ desk.
‘What’s so comical first thing in the morning?’ She frowned, peering first at Zoe and then Miles.
‘Sorry, Karen,’ Zoe said meekly.
‘Yeah, sorry, Karen. We were only mucking about,’ Miles added.
The director smiled as she set a thick stack of files on the desk. ‘Don’t apologise, it’s nice to hear laughter like that. I just wanted to be let in on the joke.’
Zoe jerked her head towards Miles. ‘This clown’s worried I’m heading back to Sarah’s.’
Karen raised an eyebrow. ‘So soon? I thought you and Ben had just moved in together.’
‘We have. Miles wants to get his feet under the table but is worried I might run back and ruin things.’ Zoe smiled.
Leaning across the desk, Karen beckoned Miles towards her. ‘Nurse Anderson, there’s a saying in this country you might do well to consider and that is: would you be so quick to jump in your grandmother’s grave?’
As Miles looked at her, perplexed, Karen let out a bark of laughter as she turned to Zoe. ‘Could you come up to my office at ten? There’s something important I wish to discuss.’
‘Yes, of course,’ Zoe said. ‘Is everything all right?’
Karen gave Zoe a small smile she found impossible to read. ‘Everything’s fine. I’ll explain everything then.’
Karen walked away and Zoe felt Miles lean over her left shoulder.
‘I’d say you’ve got Buckley’s chance of everything being fine!’ he teased.
‘Oh, shut up, Miles,’ Zoe said, lightly tapping his head with one of Karen’s files.
* * *
Despite Karen’s assurances, by the time she made her way up to her director’s office, Zoe felt concerned. What could be the problem? The paperwork was all up to date and patient care was going well. Could this be about her and Ben moving in together? Was Karen about to tell her the board had a problem with their relationship? Or worse, what if they wanted her to take over Ben’s job? He was due to look after one of the Harpers’ hospices in Gloucestershire soon. Cold dread coursed through her at the very idea of being in charge again.
As she reached Karen’s office, she saw the door was slightly ajar and the sound of voices floated into the corridor. When she tapped lightly on the door, the voices stopped and she heard Karen say, ‘Ah, that must be her,’ before calling, ‘Come in.’
Pushing the door fully open, Zoe saw Karen not sitting behind her desk as she expected, but at the far end of the room on an easy chair. Opposite her, each nursing a cup of tea, were two women Zoe recognised instantly.
‘Ella! Mrs Pagett! How lovely to see you both!’ she exclaimed, taking in the sight of Ricky’s mother and grandmother.
‘Hi, Zoe,’ Ella said shyly.
‘Zoe love, nice to see you,’ Mrs Pagett said warmly.
‘Come and join us.’ Karen gestured for her to take the chair opposite hers. As Zoe did so, Karen poured her a cup of tea from the pot on the table and Zoe took it, recognising this wasn’t the moment to ask if there was coffee instead.
‘How are you both?’ Zoe asked, taking in Ella’s appearance. It had been three months since Ricky’s death and Zoe had often found herself thinking about the young mum. Yet today it looked as though she was all right. True, the girl was thin and pale, but there was a resilience about her, in the straight line of her back and the way she met Zoe’s gaze.
‘We’ve been fine, haven’t we, love?’ Mrs Pagett replied, smiling brightly as she rubbed Ella’s back.
Ella nodded. ‘It’s been difficult, like you said, but I’ve got up every morning and it’s helped knowing Ricky’s not suffering any more.’
‘Good.’ Zoe nodded approvingly. ‘I know how tough it is, Ella, but honestly, it’s a case of one day at a time. You’ll get there.’
A tear rolled down Ella’s cheek and Mrs Pagett squeezed Ella’s hand and smiled at Zoe. ‘That’s what we wanted to talk to you about.’
Zoe frowned. ‘How do you mean?’
‘You were such a help to Ella when Ricky finally passed away.’ Sorrow passed across Mrs Pagett’s open features. ‘I will never forget the kindness you showed; neither of us will.’
As her eyes strayed to her daughter’s, Zoe couldn’t miss the closeness between them. For a moment she ached for her own mother. Ruth had been a rock when Sean had passed, but Zoe had felt so tormented by her own feelings of loss she had resisted Ruth’s insistence that she talk, preferring to bury her emotions. She hoped things would be different now. Since talking to Ruth a few weeks ago, Zoe had phoned her mum regularly and it felt as if they both wanted to find a new relationship for the future.
‘You’re very welcome. I’m glad I was there.’
‘You made a huge difference,’ Ella asserted, lifting her head and fixing her eyes on Zoe. ‘Especially that letter you gave me. I read it every day. In those early days I clung to those words. It was as though you could see straight into my heart and knew what I needed.’
A wave of unease passed across Zoe. She wasn’t looking for praise.
‘I’m pleased to hear that,’ she said softly. ‘I know when I lost Sean, the note a nurse gave me with his last words meant the world. It still does.’
‘And that’s what we’re here to discuss,’ Karen said smoothly. ‘Mrs Pagett and Ella contacted me last week with an idea.’
‘Oh?’
‘Yes, we were so moved by your letter, Zoe, it struck us both how important notes like the one you gave Ella can be,’ Mrs Pagett explained. ‘And we want to do something to honour Ricky’s memory.’
Karen leaned forward in her seat and turned to Zoe. ‘The Pagetts want to start a note-writing programme for parents who have lost a child. Just a short note to let them know they have support and love from another parent or someone else that understands their loss.’
‘I went to a grief support group for parents a couple of weeks after Ricky’s death and I told everyone about your letter,’ Ella said earnestly. ‘I said how even on my very darkest days your note made me believe that one day things would get better and I would wake up and the pain wouldn’t be as bad. I’m not there yet, but your note helps me get up in the morning, Zoe, even when I think I can’t.’
‘What do you think?’ Mrs Pagett asked.
‘I think it’s a beautiful idea,’ Zoe whispered, overcome with emotion.
‘Good,’ Karen said with a smile. ‘When Ella and her mother first came to Simon and me with the idea, we thought it was marvellous. Simon has volunteered the full support of the hospice as a way of honouring his late brother, Nathaniel, and has also agreed to help with funding.’
‘Mrs Harper would have loved that,’ Zoe said approvingly.
‘Quite,’ Karen said. ‘But we were all very much hoping you would help Ella and Mrs Pagett set things up.’
Zoe let out a gasp of astonishment. ‘You want me involved?’
‘Who else?’ Ella smiled at Zoe. ‘We can’t do it without you.’
Chapter Forty-Six
‘Are you sure you’re all right with this?’ Ben asked her for what felt like the thousandth time.
Zoe frowned as they sat in the corner of the pub across the road from the hospice. It had been a week since Ella and her mother had discussed the note-writing programme and she had been rushed off her feet ever since.
It had been decided that the hospice would co-ordinate with other hospices, initially in the local area, to reach out to those recently bereaved. At first Ella and her mum wanted to concentrate solely on other parents but Zoe insisted that there were many people who would benefit from a note service such as this one and that they should widen their appeal. Ella and her mum didn’t take much persuading and it was agreed that if the venture was a success they would expand the note service out regionally, with the hope one day of making it national. Ever since Zoe had been invited to spearhead the project, she had felt nothing but excitement. This was the challenge she had been looking for but hadn’t known she needed.
The only fly in the ointment was Ben. When she’d told him about the idea, she had expected him to be thrilled. But to her surprise he had been concerned and Zoe couldn’t understand why.
‘Of course I’m all right with it,’ she said a little crossly, taking a sip of her drink. She had opted for red wine now the nights were more autumnal, and was enjoying the rich grapey taste slipping down her throat. ‘I don’t know why you’re not more supportive.’
Ben took a pull on his pint. ‘It’s not that. I’m just worried this will be a lot of work for you. I’ve hardly seen you the last few days.’
Zoe sighed. It was true there had been a lot to do. She had worked unpaid overtime all week getting an office ready on the top floor of the hospice so the three of them would have somewhere to deal with correspondence. She had also been putting out appeals to local companies to sponsor the stationery they would need and anything else that came with it. So far, they had received a good response, with one local stationer offering supplies and an accountant agreeing to cover postage. They had made an excellent start, but Zoe knew there was a lot more work ahead if they wanted to make the scheme a success.
‘Is that what this is about? Our lack of time together?’ she asked softly.
Ben looked sheepish. ‘A bit of both.’
‘You silly bugger,’ Zoe said, leaning across the table to kiss him tenderly on the cheek. ‘I’ve got plenty of time for you.’
‘I know,’ Ben whispered. ‘But I worry this might drag you back into the past.’
Zoe pushed a stray lock of hair out of her eyes. She could see from his expression he wasn’t being entirely selfish.
‘You mean because of Sean,’ she said quietly.
‘You’ve made so much progress. And whilst I want you to remember Sean, I’m worried this will drag you back to a place of sadness again.’
She gave him an understanding smile. ‘It won’t, Ben. I know you’re worried, but I know how lonely it can be as a parent when you lose a child. It can destroy your life, your relationships, your work and your sense of self. What better way for me to use my experiences than to work with Ella and her mum, and help others in my situation? It’s through talking and sharing we can change things, and it means there was a point to Sean’s death and all the heartache David and I went through.’
Ben’s look of concern changed to one of affection. ‘You’re incredible, Zoe,’ he whispered softly, the sound of Massive Attack’s ‘Teardrop’ playing quietly in the background. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t understand how you felt. I thought this would make you unhappy again.’
‘The thing is, Ben, the pain of loss never goes away, you just get better at living with it,’ Zoe explained. ‘I think about Sean every day; he’s always with me, everywhere I go.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘You don’t need to be sorry,’ Zoe said. ‘But I need you to understand that, although Sean may not be alive, I will always be his mum. He will never be forgotten and I want others who have been through what I’ve been through to know you can do more than survive, you can live.’
‘Is there anything I can do to help?’
‘I would think so,’ Zoe said. ‘But don’t ask me what – my head’s swimming with it all.’
‘Fair enough,’ Ben said, offering a weak smile. He leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes for a moment. Zoe took a moment to observe him. He seemed quiet, and she worried that he had been the one working too hard.
Thankfully, Ben was beginning to put a bit more weight on, but he was still too thin. She and Candice had been trying to fatten him up, but he always claimed that since the operation he couldn’t eat much, which was odd because his belly was starting to swell, something Zoe knew could happen post-operatively if there was an excess of scar tissue. She was making a mental note to remind him to talk to his specialist about it at his check-up next month when Candice appeared.
‘Hello.’ She grinned, sitting down, shrugging off her leather jacket.
‘What time do you call this?’ Ben asked, lifting his watch and tapping the face as if to make a point.
‘Sorry.’ Candice grimaced. ‘Late train back from London.’
‘That’s all right, you’re here now,’ Zoe said smoothly.
Since she and Ben had moved in together, they had made sure they continued to spend lots of time with their friends, not wanting to be one of those couples who forgot their nearest and dearest the moment they found love. And so, particularly because Ben and Candice were twins and Zoe considered that a bond that should never be broken, she had taken care to ensure they always met for drinks every Tuesday, work commitments and of course any romantic entanglements Candice might have allowing. Ben always moaned about it, arguing his sister was over at their house enough, but Zoe knew the gesture meant a lot to them both.
