Come fly with me, p.19
Come Fly With Me, page 19
He handed the plate to Eva and she grabbed it like it was a new toy. He jerked back when she waved it in the air and almost collided with his lip.
He pointed to the picture on the base of the plate. A giraffe. ‘Can you say giraffe, Eva?’ he asked. ‘Gi-raffe… gi-raffe.’ When she didn’t respond with anything other than a grin, he shrugged. ‘It’s a hard word.’
The set also had a knife and a fork, but he wasn’t about to hand those over, and the plate had lost its allure already because she’d let it fall from her grasp. Instead, she’d shuffled over to the big teddy bear on the bottom shelf of the bookcase and pulled it out before pushing her face into its fur.
With Eva content, he took the opportunity to go through the box of Cassie’s things. It would be a start to getting this place straight, although right now he couldn’t get his head around the long term, what it meant now that Paul was in the picture.
He hadn’t predicted what an emotional slap in the face it would be opening up the box. He would’ve thought seeing his sister’s photo pinned to his fridge or in the frame in Eva’s bedroom every day would be what brought on a tidal wave of grief each time, but this was worse. These were her things, her personal things. He took out a little recipe book bursting with Post-its and all held together with a band; there was the little Victorian teddy bear she’d got from their parents on her eighteenth birthday; the leather purse she’d used for years, old and worn and touched by his sister a thousand times over.
He didn’t want to cry. Not with Eva watching him now.
He picked up the Victorian teddy bear, checked it for any choking hazards – another habit he’d got into pretty quickly – and handed it to her. ‘This was your mum’s. I think she’d really like you to have it.’
Eva took it with glee and it made Noah laugh out loud, particularly when she squished it into her face the same way as she’d done with the other one. Maybe that was her way of introducing herself to teddy bears, he had no idea. What he did know was that her dribble had now been transferred to this toy but he also knew without a doubt that if Cassie were here, the look on her daughter’s face would mean the world. Because it did for him.
Noah had packed up Cassie’s flat in a daze shortly after the funeral. It was horrible; the clothes had been the worst thing because it made her feel so alive in his mind’s eye, but a mate from work had helped him and between them, they’d dealt with it all reasonably quickly. The clothes went to the charity shop at the end of the road, the place Cassie often shopped herself. They’d thrown a lot of stuff away – pens and stationery that wouldn’t be used, the food from the cupboards – and those funny fruit teas she always drank were taken away by his work colleague.
Noah had kept some things for Eva – Cassie’s china trinket box with roses on its lid, the vintage jewellery box with a velvet interior, Cassie’s favourite blanket in duck-egg blue, jewellery including his sister’s favourite white-gold, aquamarine pendant she wore when she went out somewhere posh. She said it made her feel glamorous, even though it wasn’t expensive.
He’d also kept all the documents from Cassie’s bureau drawers, knowing he’d have to sort through those. And here they were. Piles and piles of them.
Eva, to her credit, played contentedly while he sorted through bills, making an enormous pile ready to shred. And she was still happy enough when Noah pulled out a small folder containing letters.
He recognised Cassie’s handwriting on the letters and when he pulled out one after the other, he realised these were the letters Cassie had sent to their mum before their mum passed away. They’d both enjoyed corresponding that way; it hadn’t mattered that a text message or phone call was easier. They’d both argued that there was nothing like old-fashioned pen to paper and so they’d kept up the habit. Letters had gone back and forth for years. He remembered now that when their mother died, Cassie wanted to take all her letters back to put with those from their mum, for her own memories. And here they all were.
Noah opened up another one and between laughs and emotional tugs, he read correspondence about the time Cassie had gone to Glastonbury and was the only one of her friends who had worn wellies for the mud; he read about Cassie’s first day at her job and how nervous she was; he read the letter from his mum that talked about her frustration when she sprained her ankle and couldn’t do her garden for over a week; the letter in which his mum shared a new recipe for an apple and cinnamon loaf.
Noah should’ve done this sooner. It made him feel closer to Cassie, closer to their mum. It was oddly cathartic.
At the bottom of the box was a photo album and he flipped through it after he’d passed the bigger teddy bear to Eva when she got fed up with the Victorian one and didn’t seem willing to bum shuffle her way over to get the other.
In the album were pictures of him and Cassie, the night they’d gone to a dress-up party in bubble wrap – he couldn’t remember who had the crazy idea, but he’d fashioned a bubble wrap hat and tie and Cassie had a skirt somehow coloured in bright pink. There were photographs of Cassie’s holiday to Greece with friends. She looked so happy, so full of life. There was one of her and her best friend Justine, their cheeks pressed together as they smiled into the camera lens, their grins demonstrative of the strong bond they’d always had. Justine had been devasted at the funeral, barely able to deliver her eulogy, and she’d come to talk to Noah at the wake, something he appreciated given her own grief was so raw.
As he put the album back and lifted the box into his arms to put it away again, he remembered what Justine had said to him that day: ‘You’ll be a far better father to Eva. She’s lucky to have you; it’s what Cassie wanted.’
At the time, he’d not really registered the exact phrasing, or perhaps he had but his own interpretation was that his sister had wanted him to be Eva’s guardian should anything happen to her and he’d be a good enough choice. He hadn’t thought anything other than that. But now, as those words came back to him, he wondered whether Justine might know more about Paul than he did, whether Cassie had been more honest with her best friend than her brother.
As Noah tried to get Eva down for her daytime nap, the thought continued to niggle at him.
And it was still playing on his mind when he gave up on the nap and instead took Eva into the lounge where she had plenty more toys. Except she wasn’t having any of it. The only thing she wanted was to sit on his lap and so eventually he relented and ended up watching a football game, partly relieved she was staring at all the colours, partly feeling like a terrible parent for resorting to the television option.
But his interest wasn’t on the game; it was on Justine and what she’d said. And with Eva in his arms when she grew bored of the game on television, he picked up his phone. He’d been emailing Justine on and off with the odd photograph of Eva and a short update on how they both were. They’d both wanted that, Eva a part of Cassie they could both share. He and Justine had planned the funeral together, being the two people who knew Cassie the best. Justine had been a godsend, grieving but doing her best to share with Noah as much as she knew about her best friend and the tastes that saw a funeral where mourners were not allowed to wear black, a wake that had lively music in the background, no sandwiches but savouries including quiche, samosas and wraps as well as three types of cake. All Cassie’s favourite foods.
He jostled Eva to keep her calm as he made the call.
He hadn’t been sure what Justine was going to tell him, whether she’d tell him anything much at all, but as she talked, he felt his body sag back against the sofa with the weight of responsibility for Eva’s lifelong happiness now resting entirely on his shoulders. Because now he’d spoken to Justine, Paul wasn’t someone he wanted within a hundred yards of his sister’s daughter.
Which meant he had a fight on his hands.
25
Maya wasn’t used to men showing their vulnerability, never mind their emotions. Isaac did, but he was her child. Her dad rarely did, Conrad certainly hadn’t and watching Noah now felt discombobulating, as though she was an intruder and she should be walking away out of respect.
And yet she couldn’t. And it appeared he didn’t want her to either.
She’d shown up here at Noah’s place tonight for her own benefit but the moment he’d opened the door, she’d known something was wrong. She never could’ve predicted quite how much turmoil he was in until they came out here to the back porch and he told her everything.
‘Cassie never told me any of it,’ he said. ‘I don’t understand why she wouldn’t confide in me.’
‘I do.’ She thought how best to word this. ‘I’m really close to my sister but I didn’t tell her what was going on with Conrad for some time. I didn’t want her to shoulder my burden.’
A barely-there dimple appeared in one cheek as he smiled across at her ever so slightly. ‘I suspect it was less about Cassie thinking she’d burden me, and more that she knew I’d go after the guy and have a word in his ear if I knew too much about him.’
‘He didn’t hit her, did he?’ She braced herself for the acknowledgement but thankfully it never came.
‘No, nothing like that. If he had…’
‘I bet she looked out for you too.’
‘She did.’ He disappeared into his memories. ‘She made me talk when I really didn’t want to, more than once. She was all about sharing feelings. It used to do my head in a bit. But I admit sometimes talking helped.’
He turned to face the river again. ‘Justine said that Cassie never trusted Paul. Even at the start, she thought he might be hiding something. He worked offshore on the rigs a lot so they saw one another sporadically and it sounds as though Cassie struggled to get a handle on the sort of man Paul was. Then she’d hear things from bar staff at the pub they went to, murmurs from a couple of her friends that they were sure they’d seen him out and about when he was supposed to be away. When he was offshore, he wouldn’t call my sister often, said he couldn’t because lack of mobile coverage or some such bullshit. And when she’d ask him where he was, he’d give her a country; it was up to her whether to believe him, she knew that.’
‘And she didn’t?’
‘According to Justine, sometimes she did. Other times not so much. She wanted to end things – he started gambling, putting bets on for this, that and the other. Even with what little she saw of him, he was a different man to the one she’d met and begun dating. There was no trust there at all. Justine said that when Cassie found out she was pregnant, my sister toyed with the idea of not telling Paul about the baby but Cassie wasn’t a liar. She told him. Justine said he seemed over the moon, showered Cassie with attention, and my sister, always one to give people a second chance, began to think perhaps she’d misjudged him.
‘She didn’t tell me any of this. I thought she was with a guy she liked, so when she announced she was pregnant, I was happy for her. I saw the way her face lit up when she said it; I knew how much she wanted a baby. Sometimes I wondered whether she’d got pregnant on purpose, but I mean, what did it matter? She was happy. Paul was still working offshore – said he’d do more hours to make more money ready for when the baby arrived. She barely saw him until he came home right before Eva was born.’
Maya waited patiently every time Noah’s voice caught. This had to be hard. She could tell how much he missed his sister, this latest development doing nothing to help him through his grief.
‘Justine told me that Paul showed up at the hospital but he was disinterested in Eva. Justine could barely tolerate being in his orbit. He made her uncomfortable, the way he looked at her as though he might well set his sights on her next. When Eva was a week old, Paul and Cassie registered the birth. Then Paul buggered off.’
‘Offshore?’
‘Justine says Cassie assumed so but really she had no idea where he’d gone. He didn’t use the work excuse this time, but he was certainly uncontactable. He didn’t answer his phone, he never called her. That was it. He just left. It was then Cassie realised he’d taken her iPad along with all the cash from her money saving jar, which she rarely checked. It likely wasn’t much but that wasn’t the point. Justine also said she was at Cassie’s house one day when a guy showed up looking for Paul. By the looks and sounds of things, it was obvious he was high and looking for his supplier and they deduced it was likely Paul going by what the man said.’
Noah’s jaw tensed. ‘And now I’ve brought Paul back into Eva’s life. I’ll never forgive myself for that.’
‘You weren’t to know. You were trying to do the right thing by responding to his letter.’
‘I realise now that Paul is exactly the man I thought he was when he first turned up at my house – not to be trusted, a liar, a man out for himself and himself only.’
She couldn’t imagine what it must be like for him and she didn’t miss the tension when Eva’s snuffly noises turned into bigger ones that couldn’t be ignored.
‘How about I go?’ Maya suggested. ‘You sit here, I won’t be long, I hope.’
The little girl was surprisingly calm at seeing a stranger and she stopped crying the moment Maya held her in her arms.
Holding her reminded Maya so much of Isaac. She’d longed to have another baby, maybe even two more, but she’d known early on that Conrad wasn’t the man she’d thought he was when she got married and bringing another child or children into that wasn’t what she wanted. It wouldn’t have been fair on them.
After a few minutes, she settled Eva back down in the cot. ‘I think your mummy and I might have had something in common when it came to choosing men. We went for the wrong ones.’ She stroked her head. ‘They’re not all like that, though. Noah isn’t, he’s kind and wonderful and you’re lucky to have him in your life.’
She quietly pulled the side of the cot back up, knowing this could go one of two ways. Either Eva would fall to sleep again after some comfort or she’d scream bloody murder when Maya left the room.
She tiptoed along the corridor and out onto the back porch. Thankfully, Eva had gone for the former. So far, at least.
Noah had got two beers from the fridge. She hoped he hadn’t heard what she said to Eva. ‘Onto the hard stuff, eh?’
‘I’ve not opened yours, wasn’t sure whether you’d want it.’
‘I couldn’t possibly let you drink alone.’ She thanked him when he removed the top and handed her the bottle. If he’d heard her, he wasn’t letting on.
‘You know what you could use,’ she said as they sat there, the darkness surrounding them now. ‘A porch swing, rather than a bench.’
‘A swing?’ She didn’t look at him but she’d come to know when he considered something carefully, he adopted a frown that creased his forehead in a way that suggested he was a man who thought deeply about things that mattered. ‘That might work.’
‘Could be good for Eva when she won’t settle. And for you to kick back after a hard day.’
‘You sound as though you have porch swing experience.’
‘Hardly, my house isn’t big enough for a porch, let along something swinging on it, but I’ve seen it in the movies and always wanted one.’
He nodded but after a beat, his frown was back. ‘What am I supposed to do, Maya?’
‘The man is a turd.’
‘Definitely a turd,’ Noah chuckled. ‘I mean, who does that, walks away from a baby and doesn’t look back? And when they do, they want paying to stay away or they’ll go for custody. It’s all wrong and disturbing on so many levels.’
‘How did Cassie pick up the pieces when he left her and Eva?’
His beer sloshed in the bottle when he brought it down from his lips. ‘She had me and Justine; we were both there for her. Cassie cried a lot in the weeks after the birth. She never explained why and I never pushed her, I assumed a lot was down to baby blues. But she did confide in Justine and I was happy with that. Justine got her to the doctor a couple of times. And then, a few weeks after it seemed that she was going to be messed up forever, it was like a little ray of sunshine came out. She became the Cassie I’d always known, the one who took charge of her own life and who got things done. She became a single parent and somehow managed to blossom doing it.
‘The stronger Cassie got, the more she started to see her situation differently. Justine told me that rather than worrying about the lack of paternal support, Cassie started to feel relief that Paul wasn’t around. She no longer had to worry about the sort of father Paul would be because he was out of their lives. She loved Eva with her whole heart. She swore Justine to secrecy, said she didn’t need me hunting Paul down – which I would’ve done, for the record – and so life continued until…’ His voice broke off and emotion caught in the back of his throat.
Maya couldn’t imagine the devastation at losing a sibling. If it were Julie, she knew she’d fall apart at the seams.
‘What’s your next step?’ She was distracted by the warmth of his citrusy aftershave or shower gel carried on the night breeze. ‘I know you said you’ve got no idea what to do, but you might have to start thinking of a plan. Have you thought about contacting a lawyer?’
‘I haven’t got the kind of money a lawyer will charge if this fight is a long one. Bringing up a kid doesn’t come cheap. And then there’s Paul’s threat that he could very well turn around and say I asked for money to take Eva. Nothing was written down between us; it’s my word against his.’ He put his face in his hands. ‘I could lose contact with Eva for good and I couldn’t bear it if that happened.’
She waited for him to gather himself. He might show hurt and vulnerability, but Noah was strong too and she imagined he wouldn’t want her to see him completely undone.
‘I can’t let that man have Eva, Maya. I can’t. I love her. My sister was glad he was out of their lives, so how can I let him back in?’
