The power we hold, p.20
The Power We Hold, page 20
Prioritizing Pleasure
Women are biologically designed for pleasure (hello, oxytocin!) – it’s central to our well-being, and our anatomy confirms it. Consider the clitoris: an organ equipped with around 8,000 nerve endings devoted solely to the female orgasm. By comparison, the penis, which serves reproductive, urinary, and pleasurable functions, contains roughly half that number, about 4,000 nerve endings.
Unsurprisingly, while the clitoris appeared in medical texts as early as the 16th century, it was largely omitted from mainstream anatomical literature and discussions. It wasn’t until Australian urologist Dr. Helen O’Connell’s groundbreaking research in 1998 – and her comprehensive imaging studies in 2005 – that the clitoris was fully mapped and recognized as a significant internal structure.
Given how recently even medical professionals became fully aware of the clitoris’s anatomy, it’s understandable that many women have felt disconnected from their own pleasure. Women’s sexual enjoyment is still frequently portrayed as indulgent, shameful, or even dangerous. This suppression isn’t accidental; it directly aligns with patriarchal structures designed to disconnect us from our instincts, silence our desires, and undermine our trust in ourselves.
You won’t experience pleasure if you don’t feel safe, which is why so many women struggle to orgasm or cultivate a healthy libido. And when you’re disconnected from your pleasure (and consequently, your womb–throat power pipeline, you feel depleted and dysregulated, and you’re more easily controlled.
Of course, pleasure extends beyond sexuality – it’s deeply connected to sensuality, a richer and broader experience. As my friend Henika Patel expresses so beautifully in her book Sensual: Connect Deeply, Express Freely, Love Deeply, sensuality involves fully engaging with life through all our senses, nurturing a profound connection to our bodies, surroundings, and emotions beyond just sexual contexts.
Pleasure is both medicine and essential information. It’s one of the most direct paths to healing, hormonal balance, and emotional resilience. By embracing pleasure through sensual self-touch, mindful and intentional movement, dedicating time to activities and people you love, or simply savoring everyday experiences (the warmth of your coffee, the sun on your skin, the softness of your sheets), you signal safety to your nervous system through the release of oxytocin.
This explains why a lack of orgasms can cause significant stress in the body. The hormonal cascade that follows orgasm reduces inflammation, balances cortisol levels, improves sleep, and recalibrates your nervous system to its restorative, parasympathetic state.
Daily Practice: Embrace Pleasure
Reclaiming your power isn’t only about healing past wounds – it’s equally about expanding your capacity for joy. You were never meant to merely survive your life – you were meant to deeply feel and experience it. The more you allow yourself to embrace pleasure, the more capacity you develop to hold beauty, love, intimacy, and joy without shrinking or shutting down.
Create Your Pleasure List
Pleasure doesn’t have to be grand or time-consuming – in fact, the more accessible it is, the better. Write a list of 10 small, nourishing things to do that will help you feel grounded, soft, alive, or connected to your body as you move through your day. Here are some ideas:
Slowly sipping your morning tea or coffee
Self-touch (whether a sensual caress or a grounding massage with coconut oil)
A bath with music, candles, or essential oils
Cuddling your pet
Fresh sheets and a slow stretch in bed
Dancing in your underwear to your favorite song
Wearing beautiful clothes or jewelry just for yourself
Taking a long walk with an inspiring podcast
Listening to music
Making love
Check out ways to boost your oxytocin levels if you need more inspiration – but most importantly, tune in to what actually feels good to you.
Express Your Pleasure
For most of my life, when I was engaging in something pleasurable (such as drinking a delicious matcha latte) I’d rush through it, muting or minimizing my expression. So, I encourage you to consider this: Do you allow yourself to moan with delight when you taste something exquisite? Do you let pleasure ripple through you when you dance, when you stretch, when you make love? Or do you cut it short, rush toward the end goal, suppressing sensation before it has a chance to expand?
The more you allow pleasure to flow through you, the more oxytocin you produce. And when you start allowing yourself to linger in the feeling, to savor it, you send a powerful message to your body: I’m safe enough to receive these positive emotional experiences. This is how you cultivate the conditions for healing and self-repair, while also rewiring for joy and creating a stronger baseline of safety.
Aligning with Your Biological Blueprint
Whether you’re in your reproductive years, are navigating perimenopause, or have moved beyond menstruation altogether, this section will help you root your daily life in the truth of who you are biologically, reconnecting you with the adaptability, resilience, and intelligence embedded within your cyclical rhythms.
By working with your body rather than against it, you can begin living in a way that finally feels good and sustainable. Because when you stop forcing yourself into a linear, masculine model of productivity and start living cyclically, you begin to access a deeper current of energy and intuition that’s always been there.
Cyclical Living: the Reproductive Years
Learning to live in sync with your menstrual cycle is a practice that takes time, observation, and self-compassion, so start small. Begin by noticing how you feel each week: your energy, mood, cravings, libido, and emotional needs. Track your cycle and symptoms using a journal or one of the many great apps available (that don’t sell your data without consent); I personally love Moody Month and Clue.
If you’re on hormonal birth control and are thinking about transitioning off, you can begin cultivating cyclical awareness now by syncing with the moon. Use the new moon to represent menstruation and the full moon to represent ovulation. This gentle rhythm helps you reconnect with your body’s natural ebb and flow, even before your own cycle returns. For trans women, following the moon’s phases in this way can also be a deeply affirming practice – a way to honor your body, embrace feminine energy, and root yourself in cyclical wisdom.
Of course, aligning with your biology may require you to make different choices in how you work, how you move, how you relate, and how you rest. You might even realize just how unsupportive your current lifestyle is. But the change doesn’t have to be dramatic.
Start by reclaiming your power in small but significant ways: Plan creative projects or social events during ovulation, build in rest and reflection during your luteal (premenstrual) phase, honor the natural ebb and flow of your libido. In Chapter 18, we cleared space mentally, emotionally, and physically to prepare for this lifestyle shift. So now, you have the capacity to create new habits that help life feel more like flow than friction.
Work with the Phases of Your Menstrual Cycle
As we explored in Parts I and II, your hormones, energy, and nervous system shift rhythmically across each phase of your cycle. So, by tailoring how you eat, move, fast, and connect to match these changes, you work with your body rather than against it.
Fasting, in particular, sends strong signals to the body. In the wrong phase, it can mimic famine – triggering a stress response and disrupting hormone production. But when done in alignment with your hormonal landscape, it can be supportive.
Menstruation (Winter)
Approximately days 1–5
Exercise: Prioritize rest and gentle movements such stretching, foam rolling, or yoga. You’re more prone to injury now, so allow your body the time it needs to recover.
Nutrition: Warm, comforting foods are incredibly supportive now. Choose iron-rich foods (grass-fed beef, spinach), root vegetables, and fresh ginger tea to soothe any cramps.
Fasting: This is the optimal time for longer fasts if desired, as both estrogen and progesterone are at their lowest. You can try intermittent fasting (14–16 hours) or an even longer fast if it feels right for you, as your body is naturally in a state of reset.
Superpowers: Your intuition is heightened. Reflect on the past month and set intentions for the next cycle. It’s a perfect time for journaling and internal work.
Sex: Some women prefer rest, while others enjoy the intimacy of period sex. If it feels right for you, lean into the deeper, loving connection it can bring. Honor whatever your body needs, without judgment.
Follicular (Spring)
Approximately days 6–14
Exercise: This is your best time for new challenges. High-intensity workouts like strength training, HIIT, or running feel great as your energy builds. Try that new class you’ve been curious about!
Nutrition: Focus on healthy fats and omega-3 fatty acids (avocado, salmon, nuts) to support growing follicles. Add in fiber-rich foods such as raw carrots and cruciferous vegetables (broccoli, kale) to aid the proper breakdown of estrogen.
Fasting: Intermittent fasting works well here (12–15 hours), but keep fasts shorter and opt for earlier dinners rather than skipping breakfast. Your body handles fasting well during this phase as it’s preparing for ovulation.
Superpowers: Creativity and problem-solving are at a peak. Use this time to start new projects, brainstorm ideas, and tackle complex tasks.
Sex: Your libido will start to increase but it might still be gentle and exploratory – not everyone wants wild, kinky sex straight after their period (if you do, go for it!). Otherwise, enjoy intimate, affectionate sex with lots of foreplay, mirroring the building hormonal surge.
Ovulation (Summer)
Approximately days 15–17
Exercise: You’re at peak energy here so go for your toughest workouts: heavy lifting, sprints, or power yoga. Push yourself, but listen to your body if it signals to slow down.
Nutrition: Anti-inflammatory foods are key. Include leafy greens, berries, and fermented foods such as kimchi. Support your liver with detox teas (milk thistle, dandelion).
Fasting: Keep fasting shorter (12–14 hours), especially if you’re trying to conceive, have lower progesterone levels or high stress levels. Focus more on hormone-supportive eating rather than longer fasting.
Superpowers: Your communication, charisma, and confidence are off the charts. This is the perfect time for important meetings, networking, first dates, having difficult conversations, and asking for a promotion.
Sex: You’re in your most fertile window, and if your hormones are balanced, it’ll show! This is the time to make the most of your high libido and have more adventurous and playful sex (if that calls to you).
Luteal/Premenstrual (Autumn)
Approximately days 18–28
Exercise: In the early luteal phase, you can stick to resistance training. But tune in to your body and as your energy dips, switch to more restorative activities such as Pilates, stretching, foam rolling, or gentle walks.
Nutrition: Your body needs more calories now, so focus on nutrient-dense, fiber-rich foods. Load up on magnesium-rich choices (such as dark chocolate and leafy greens) to help with PMS symptoms. Fresh ginger tea can ease cramps, reduce inflammation, and support digestion. You’re also much more sensitive to blood sugar fluctuations, so rely on the aforementioned hacks when leaning into your cravings.
Fasting: Avoid long fasts now because your body requires extra nourishment for hormone production. Instead, try shorter fasts (10–12 hours), focusing on balanced meals with plenty of protein, healthy fats, and complex carbs to keep blood sugar stable.
Superpowers: Your analytical skills shine here. Instead of using them to pick apart your life, turn your attention toward refining projects, planning, and tying up loose ends. Embrace the urge to organize and prepare for the next cycle.
Sex: Sensual and slow is the name of the game, and remember, it’s normal to have less cervical fluid and be less ‘wet,’ so rely on non-toxic lubricants to support you. Cravings for intimacy might shift to a deeper, emotional connection. This is the time for love-making that feels nurturing and grounding.
Over time, this way of living will become second nature to you. You’ll feel your energy stabilize and your creativity flourish, your hormones rebalance, and your self-trust deepen. You’ll know, intuitively, what you need and when – and when it comes to pleasure, you’ll feel far more confident expressing your desires because you’ll know what turns you on in each phase of your cycle.
Cyclical Living: Menopause and Beyond
Cyclical living doesn’t end when menstruation does. It evolves. During perimenopause, or the menopause transition, your hormonal landscape begins to shift dramatically as estrogen and progesterone levels become more erratic, which can trigger changes in sleep, mood, energy, and metabolism. This is not a ‘decline.’ It’s a biological recalibration – an initiation into a new rhythm that requires care, curiosity, and compassion. Try the following during perimenopause and menopause:
Embrace the rhythms of this transition by tracking your symptoms rather than your cycle. What patterns do you notice around energy, mood, sleep, digestion, and libido? Let that data inform your self-care.
Support your nervous system by building in more recovery time – whether that’s resting between workouts, pausing throughout your day, or creating space for emotional processing. Reduce conscious stressors (the Life Audit will be very supportive) and focus on eating more magnesium- and protein-rich foods.
Prioritize gentle, grounding movement over high-intensity workouts if you’re feeling depleted. Honor what your body needs.
Postmenopause, your hormonal landscape levels out into a new baseline. Many women find that their intuition sharpens, their need for external validation fades, and their desire for authenticity becomes non-negotiable. Consider these intentions as anchors for this next powerful season of your life:
You may no longer bleed, but your body is still deeply responsive to rhythm and ritual. Trust your own energy – this stage of life invites deeper self-trust and more intentional living.
Focus on nourishment, both physical and emotional. Build routines that support quality sleep, creative expression, sensuality, and strength.
Surround yourself with people and practices that ground and expand you.
In many ways, postmenopause is a rebirth. With hormonal shifts no longer prioritizing fertility, a new kind of life force becomes available – one rooted in truth, vision, and legacy. You become the oracle. The truth-teller. The woman who no longer apologizes for taking up space, who asks for what she needs, and walks away from anything that drains her. It’s a time when many women step into leadership, become spiritual mentors, birth new creations (businesses, art, activism), and claim their fullest self-expression.
•••
Now that you’ve created more capacity by lightening a significant allostatic load (stress bucket), it’s time to explore the weight of what’s been passed down: The emotional imprints, beliefs, and unresolved trauma that live in your nervous system and cells. It’s time to reclaim historical safety and begin your ThetaSomatics™ journey.
Chapter 20
ROOT 4: HISTORICAL SAFETY
‘Most of us have become separated from our natural, instinctual selves – in particular, the part of us that can proudly, not disparagingly, be called animal.’
PETER LEVINE
In my first two years at university in Sydney, Australia, the city’s nightlife was my sanctuary. The bassline in my chest, bodies moving in sync, sweat and laughter blurring into one dizzying, neurochemical-fueled wave. I was always one of the last ones standing, chasing the next hit of aliveness – not always from substances, but always from sensation.
In hindsight, I see it clearly: I was chasing oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphins – the natural highs I was starved of. The dance floor was giving me what real life couldn’t. I felt free. Unshackled. Weightless. But then the morning came. And my body, ever honest, told a different story. Tears would catch me off guard – silent, sudden, slipping down my temples in the stillness of a Pilates cooldown.
One morning, as I lay on the mat, eyes closed, my instructor saw what I hadn’t yet named. She simply said, ’You know, what you’re doing out there – it’s not just escape and numbing. It’s release.’ A proud queer woman, she then paraphrased writer and activist Dan Savage’s reflection on the peak of the AIDS crisis: We would bury our friends in the morning, protest in the afternoon, and dance all night – the dancing is what kept us in the fight.
We’re built to move, shake, tremble, and purge. Our bodies are the archives of our individual, collective, and intergenerational lived experiences, where unresolved emotions imprint themselves on neural circuits and cellular structures alike. This chapter is all about reclaiming the wild, instinctual, primal intelligence of your body – the part that knows how to complete the stress response cycle, process, release, and heal, if only given the chance.
Cultivating Historical Safety
Creating historical safety means teaching your body that it’s safe now. That your lineage is safe now. That you no longer need to brace or wait for the next impact. This is where we begin to apply the healing method I’ve developed, ThetaSomatics™, which blends evidence-based somatic practices (like rocking, shaking, and yoga-informed movement) with original modalities that I’ve created through years of personal and professional exploration (you’ll experience one of these later).
