The real me, p.15
The Real Me, page 15
“Please Vanessa. Talk to me. What is wrong?”
I felt something wet hit my arm that was around her shoulders.
“Sweetheart, talk to me. Are you crying?”
I tried to turn her but she wouldn’t move. Her words came out shaky.
“I told you I lived in foster homes. Some were okay, and some weren’t. The some that weren’t nearly killed me. I was raped and beaten by one of my foster dad’s and something happened to me. I still don’t understand what. But I was rushed to the hospital and taken into immediate surgery. I nearly died. Some days, I wished I had.”
I spun her in my arms.
“Don’t ever say that, Vanessa. Please, God, don’t ever say that. What happened?”
“The doctors told my caseworkers there was something horribly wrong and in order to save me they needed to stop the bleeding and do a complete hysterectomy. I’m not on the pill Trevor, I can’t physically have children. The decision was taken from me and I can never feel a child grow inside of me. I can never know the bond between a mother and child. I will never hear my child call me mommy and I will never give birth to a child having it lay on my chest straight from inside of me. I can’t, I don’t even know how to tell you how devastating that is to me.”
I pulled Vanessa into my arms and held her while she cried. She wanted the whole child experience and Sherry could have cared less. How is it fair? This woman suffers because she can’t have a child while Sherry has one who she could give a rat’s ass about.
“Vanessa. Please, look at me.”
She shook her head against me.
“Okay, then just listen. I’m sorry that you were robbed of the experience of having a child. I don’t know what any of that feels like. I never even got to see my son be born. He had to be taken from his mother and was rushed immediately to the NICU. I can’t tell you anything about the experience you long to feel. I can tell you that a child doesn’t have to be yours’ physically to bond with it. If you have love in your heart, you can love a child as if it were your own.”
She shook her head.
“You are a man. You can never understand the feeling a mother and child have.”
I pulled her back to look at me.
“Because I am a man, I understand what you are missing. I couldn’t feel Jayden move inside of me and I didn’t experience birth, thank God. But I love him more than anything in this world.”
Vanessa moved away from me again. She stood with her arms wrapped around her upper body.
“Exactly. He is part of you. I can never feel that. I’ll never have another living thing that is part of me. I will never be called Mom. I will never have Grandchildren. I envy women when I see their pregnant bellies. I am envious of their stretch marks and scars from C-sections. I am even jealous. I even hate them a little. I hate my best friend as much as I love her for having Daniel. God, I’m so fucked up!”
I moved to Vanessa, and I ran my hand down her back. “Vanessa. You are not fucked up. You are human. You have a heart and you love as fiercely as a mother. Please don’t push me away. Let me hold you.”
I felt her relax slightly. I moved closer kissing her shoulder blade.
“Let me love you. Let me make you forget.”
I turned her in my arms and crushed my mouth to hers. She wrapped her legs around me and kissing her harder, I moved until I found something to brace against. I pulled my mouth from hers. I looked into her eyes as I settled her over my hard cock and I plunged into her. Her back hit the wall hard and she gasped. I don’t know if it was from me entering her or if I’d hurt her pressing her into the wall.
The only words coming from her were whimpers and my name. I took my hand to her neck and squeezed slightly and she gasped but then moved wildly beneath me. I growled as I leaned in and suckled her neck as she swallowed. Sexy as hell. God this woman. I couldn’t take it. I grasped her and pulled her to me as I carried her to the bed. I sat down and moved us to the center of the bed.
“I want you to ride me Vanessa. Use me. Take me. I want to hear your pleasure.”
She moved over me and she was so damn sexy. Her head fell back as she rocked her hips over me. She was unbelievable. She lifted off me and then slammed back onto me. I gripped her hips and pulled at them with every slam downward. She was so close, I could feel it.
“Let it go, sweetheart. Let me watch you come undone. I want to feel you squeeze me and I want to let loose deep inside of you. I’m going to mark you inside as mine. Do you hear me? You are mine. Tell me Vanessa. Tell me you are fucking mine.”
She was moaning, “Yes Trevor. I’m yours.”
I raised my hips and pulled her harder to me.
“Louder Vanessa. I want the whole damn town to hear you. Tell me.”
She screamed with her release, “I’m yours, Trevor. Only yours.”
Her eyes landed on mine as she said the words and I saw the pain in them as she let go and told me what she had never told anyone before. I saw it.
“Oh yeah, sweetheart. You are so fucking mine. I’m never going to let you go.” I released inside of her and I pulled her down over me and I felt her crying while I just held her.
Chapter 19
Vanessa
I don’t know how it happened, but Trevor broke me last night. The sun was up and I was out of my bed in the kitchen making coffee. I had his shirt on from last night and I sipped my coffee. How the hell did he get me to tell him all of that?
Then he just broke me. I told him I was his. The. Fuck. I have never done that. How did he do this to me? He has a son. A son. Where was he while he was here with me? Why was he here and not with his son? Shit. I am so screwed. He wants me to meet him when I’m ready. Am I ready? Will I ever be ready? I don’t know. How can I do this?
Shit. We’re going to the game. I can get another ticket, but should I? I don’t know. What is etiquette? I mean we had sex. We’re going to the game. Does he want his son to meet me? After all, we’re not a couple. Are we? Oh man, I am so screwed. I texted my friend at work whose husband worked at the ticket center. I asked her if there was a possibility of getting three tickets with seats together. Even if I needed to upgrade. She had her husband look it up and he exchanged the two tickets I had and got me three. Said they would be right behind home plate. Damn. I got lucky. Wait? Should I have done that? I had no clue what I was doing.
I jumped and screamed when I felt arms tighten around me. Shit. Trevor.
“Easy baby. It’s just me. Where were you just now?”
I put my coffee cup down and motioned toward the coffee. He nodded. I went to pour him some and while my back was turned I said.
“I was able to upgrade our tickets for the game. We’ll be behind home plate and I was able to get a third ticket. That is if you want to bring your son. I mean if you don’t I understand. I just didn’t know and I don’t want to exclude him.”
I felt him right behind me.
“Vanessa, turn around.”
I turned slowly and when I faced him he smiled.
“Sweetheart, that is incredible. I would love for Jayden to meet you, but only if you are sure you want him with us today.”
I nodded and he grabbed me ready to kiss me.
“Yuck, no Trevor. Morning breath.”
He growled and said, “I don’t care.”
Then he took my lips and kissed me until I was sure I couldn’t breathe.
I took a shower while Trevor called his son. When he hung up I was coming out of the shower and getting dressed. He moved behind me and bit my shoulder.
“Ow, Trevor.”
He chuckled, “Sorry. I just can’t control myself with you.”
I giggled and said, “Well you had better, because we are going to be picking up your son in an hour.”
He growled. “I love that kid but right now, I want to throw you onto that bed and have my way with you again.”
I wiggled out of his grasp and said, “Shower Trevor! You already had me in the kitchen then back in the bedroom again this morning. Pretty soon I won’t be able to walk.”
He grinned and wiggled his eyebrows at me.
“That would be perfect, then everyone would know you are mine.”
I swatted at him as he moved to me and said, “Enough Trevor. Possessive much?”
He growled, “Never before you. Deal with it.”
I laughed as he headed off to the shower while I continued getting ready.
I went into the kitchen to get another cup of coffee and remembered when I texted the girl at work about the tickets I saw a text from Ben. I opened it.
Ben: Hey, buttercup. I’m sorry I’m such a dick. I didn’t go home. I couldn’t face George. Not after the things I was thinking about doing to you. Look, I know you are with Trevor, but at some point in time, I really need to see you.
Me: Ben, this is insane. What happened to you? Why didn’t you go home to George? I don’t understand.
My phone vibrated in my hand almost instantly.
Ben: I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like I saw you for the first time last night and I didn’t want him to have you. Did you sleep with him? God please tell me you didn’t.
Me: Ben! Stop this. I love you like a best friend. Like a brother. A very gay brother. You love George. You’ve never been in love with me.
Ben: Maybe you’re right, but how do you explain the fact that I freaking got hard last night with you. I had to go into the men’s room and smack one off thinking about you. Not George. I wanted you. Tell me, how do you explain that?
Me: Ben, you can’t be serious right now. You have seen me in my underwear and never had this reaction. Have you?
Ben: Maybe? No. I don’t know. Shit Vanessa. I do love George. I’ve never wanted a woman until you. Maybe it’s just because I know I can’t have you. I don’t know, but I love you and I can’t lose you.
Me: Ben, you are not going to lose me, but I’m not in love with you. I love you dearly, but I’m not the one for you. George is. Are we clear? Go home.
Ben: You are right. I’m sorry buttercup. I love you. I think the way he looked at you last night just did something to me. Made me possessive, protective and I think I felt like I was losing you because I could tell you wanted to be with him and not me last night. That’s why I kept holding on to you so tight. I didn’t want to let go.
Me: You’re insane. I’m not going anywhere Ben. Go home and give George a kiss for me. I’ll talk to you later. I have a game to get ready for.
There was no response. But I know that Ben is not in love with me. He’s been gay since his teen years. He’s always known it and there is no way he would ever want me. Besides, I don’t feel that way about him either. God, Ben, Trevor and now Jayden. What the hell is happening to my life?
Trevor, since he had his assistant deliver his car to my house at some point in time last night, said after the game he would bring me home. He told me his mom kept Jayden for him and he was damn lucky he had her because leaving Jayden with strangers was too much for him to handle. I laughed at him.
“Trevor, I can’t believe you. What are you going to do when he goes to school? You need to get him in preschool, let him socialize and not just with you and your mom.”
He growled at me, “I’m not ready. He’s too little and I almost lost him. I can’t imagine letting him in a room with people I don’t know.”
I shook my head, “God you are worse than a woman. Suck it up! Do what’s best for him, not you. You’re a father, be a man.”
We drove in silence for a while and we stopped at a light when I felt Trevor’s eyes on me.
“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”
The look and intensity on his face was making me nervous.
“You are right Vanessa. I’m holding him back. I know it, but I don’t know how to let go.”
I smiled at Trevor’s honesty.
“Slugger, grow a set! You are not letting him go. He’s not getting married for Christ’s sake, he’s going to preschool so he can grow, learn how to interact with others and to gain some independence. Geez, I don’t have kids and I even know this is a necessary evil.”
He shook his head at me, leaned in and said, “Kiss me you snarky, baseball loving woman.”
I laughed but leaned into his lips. A horn blew behind us and I pulled away. Trevor’s growl and look into the rearview mirror spoke volumes, but in case there was any doubt about what he was thinking his husky words sold it.
“He’s lucky I don’t get out of this car and beat the shit out of him for interrupting.”
I laughed and he pulled through the intersection.
We pulled up to a cute little house. It had a beautiful flower garden in the front by the porch. I suddenly felt extremely nervous and unsure what the hell I was doing. Trevor came around and opened the door for me. When I got out, he took my hand and pulled me to him. He crushed his lips to mine and said, “Breathe. I got you.”
I looked into his eyes as I said, “I’m breathing, but I have no idea what the hell I am doing right now.”
Trevor squeezed my hand and said, “Just be you. Jayden and my mom are going to love you.”
I grinned at him and thought to myself, is that what I want? I hadn’t thought this whole thing through and now it seems like it was getting more and more complicated. Meeting his son was a huge step, one that I should have thought more about. I really shouldn’t be here, in this moment right now. What the hell am I doing?
Trevor started moving to the front door and I froze.
He turned to look at me and said, “It’s okay Vanessa.”
I shook my head, “I’m not sure this is a good idea. I’m not sure I’m ready for any of this. I’m not a meet the parents and kid kind of girl. I’m not the kind of girl you take home to meet your mother.”
He chuckled, “You’re nervous. I get it. Relax. I can assure you this is as new for them as it is for you. I’ve never done this before. Vanessa, I have never brought a woman home to meet my mom or son. You are the first. Relax, it’s going to be okay.”
I rolled my eyes at him, “Oh great, no pressure or anything. Fuck!”
Trevor laughed as we moved to the front door again.
Upon entering the house, I found it very relaxing. It was very comfortable. It’s what I envisioned a home would be. It was warm and welcoming. The décor was country with lots of warm tones. I heard laughter and giggles which cut off my looking around. Trevor moved toward the laughter pulling me behind him. We entered what I assumed to be the living room, and I found a woman who was definitely Trevor’s mom. She looked like him in profile and the little boy pinned to the floor, being tickled was the spitting image of Trevor. There was no mistaking this family belonged to one another.
I stopped in the doorway and waited. Trevor moved toward his mom and kissed her cheek. Then the boy popped up and looked in my direction. He moved toward me and my heart stopped beating. He reached out a hand once he was in front of me and I stooped down to be on his level.
“I’m Jayden. Are you a friend of my daddy’s?”
I took his little hand in mine and shook it.
I nodded. “I’m Vanessa and yes, I’m a friend of your daddy’s.”
He smiled up at me. He let go of my hand and said, “You are much prettier than Uncle Jax.”
I threw my head back and laughed harder than I ever imagined I could under these circumstances. Jayden looked at me puzzled.
I smiled at him and said, “Can I tell Uncle Jax that you said that?”
He shrugged and said, “Sure. I love Uncle Jax. Do you know him?”
I nodded my head and said, “I used to work with Lacie.”
Trevor’s mom moved toward me and I stood up to greet her. She smiled warmly at me and I reached out my hand which she bypassed pulling me into a hug.
“Oh dear, it is wonderful to meet you.”
When she released me from the hug, I looked at Trevor and he smiled as he shrugged.
“Mom this is Vanessa, my friend.”
She smiled at me as Trevor did the introduction. I was so caught off guard by the hug that I had no time to react to it. Honestly, it was the warmest hug and greeting I’d ever had, so my body didn’t feel uncomfortable when she wrapped me so tight in that hug. In fact, when she let go, I felt empty.
I finally found my voice saying, “It’s very nice to meet you Mrs. Montgomery.”
She smiled at me, “Please call me Sandy.”
I nodded, “Okay, Sandy. Your home is so beautiful. It feels so warm and welcoming.”
She grinned, “Thank you dear. I’m glad you like it. Come, let’s go sit and talk while Trevor gets Jayden all ready.”
I looked over my shoulder and Trevor was on the floor and Jayden was climbing over him as the two were laughing while they wrestled.
Sandy took me to the kitchen where she poured me a glass of iced tea and motioned for me to take a seat at the counter.
She grinned at me, “How did you and Trevor meet?”
I laughed, “I met him quite a while ago actually, at Lacie and Jax’s wedding, then again at the christening. I’m a nurse at Sunny Spot Nursing Home. I took care of Gail. When Gail was nearing the end, Trevor was there and he was honestly a mess.”
Sandy nodded at me, “We were good friends and Jax was always here at the house as Trevor was always at his as well. I know it was rough on Trevor.”
I smiled at her. “He wasn’t having a very good day, the day she passed. He showed up at the nursing home in a coffee-stained shirt. I got him a scrub top to put on and took him to get some coffee, as I could tell the majority of it was on his clothes and not in his system.”
Sandy laughed, so I continued. “After Gail passed, Trevor looked lost. I had told him he looked like he needed to get out of there, so we went to a place I know and had some burgers and drinks.”
Sandy just smiled at me and watched me while I talked. I wasn’t uncomfortable, but I was wondering what she was thinking.
Sandy looked over her shoulder to see if Trevor or Jayden were within ear shot then said, “So, did you enjoy the Charity Ball last evening?”
