The real me, p.25
The Real Me, page 25
Something inside of me just took over and I felt sexy as fuck. I slid my eyes up and she was excited.
“Yes, like that. Perfect.”
Click, click, click, I heard the camera going and I felt like a damn freaking queen. Roxy was a rock star. She made me laugh, she made me feel completely sexy and I never wanted the photo shoot to end. At one point she had me lying on the bed and she stood over me. I was trying to contain my laughter because she was trying to balance as she stood over me to snap photos and all I could see was her toppling over and I could barely hold the hysterical laughter in. Once she got the shot I did crack up. When I told her why I was laughing, she laughed as well and that was it. I was pretty much ready for the rest of the shoot.
We moved around a couple different areas and we did one uncomfortable set up and let me tell you, this photoshoot stuff is not fluff. It’s hard work. Holding positions, not cramping up and damn you need to be ready to hold the most uncomfortable positions in the name of beauty, but I fucking loved it.
I changed outfits to a silky night gown with lace cups and I had a lace robe that I put over that. She did some shots while I was standing and then had me lie on a sofa that again made me feel like a queen. I was feeling so damn sexy that I was like, yeah I got this, I should quit my day job and model. Laughing at myself from the thought I really did feel beautiful though.
This was starting to be my favorite birthday ever. To feel this sexy and this in control, it was amazing for me. Roxy was having me change into my third outfit and I felt amazing. I had lace black booty shorts, a black lace bra and then a black lacy shrug that hooked just under my breasts. It was crazy sexy and she loved the outfit. I ended up having some pictures standing then a few on the bed again. I felt myself shining through during that set. I felt the girl that always hides herself behind the snark disappearing and in her place came this woman who smiled and showed her fun side without feeling like she needed to hide who she truly was from the world.
The final outfit change and I was in my black booty shorts, a black bra and I borrowed one of Trevor’s white dress shirts. His mom gave me his key when I explained what I was doing and I took one of his shirts out to do this part of the shoot. I was hoping it would make him feel good about what I did. Who was I kidding, I was hoping it would make him feel like a beast knowing I was wearing his shirt and posing in lingerie for him to see.
I’m a girl who likes it when the beast comes out and I was hoping when he saw these pictures we’d be barricaded in the bedroom for days. Smiling at that image I slipped into the shirt and Roxy rolled the sleeves and positioned me on a stool. Time to get my sexy on. This last set made me feel higher than the sky. She had Alyssa holding a fan, blowing my hair and making me feel like a super model. Damn! I turned my head when she told me, I relaxed my face and made what I hoped was sexy as fuck expressions.
I let go of all my self-doubt about my body and I owned every inch, curve, dimple and ripple in my body. I rocked it. All of it. I was beautiful in that moment and I felt so damn empowered that I was nearly shaking.
Roxy and Alyssa were murmuring, beautiful, awesome and encouraged me through the whole shoot. Talk about girl power. Yes, this was the epitome of raising you up and holding you there until you believed you were all the things they said you were and all the things you never thought you were. I was totally beautiful and sexy. I was a woman in charge and I was truly at a loss as to how to explain what I was feeling in that moment.
I left the studio after packing up all my clothes and changing. I ran home for a bite to eat and to prep a little for dinner. But then I needed to go back to the studio to see the proofs and pick my pictures out. My nerves came back as I prepared to go back to the studio and I let a little self-doubt creep in. What if I thought I was looking sexy and I looked like a freaking crazy constipated woman trying to look sexy while taking a shit?
Seriously, this is where my head was. I just couldn’t imagine me looking sexy. I mean we’ve all tried to make sexy faces in the mirror and well I looked like a damn fool when I tried. I shook off the nerves, pulled myself up, shoulders back and tits out. Yeah, don’t mock me, it works. I’m strong. I’m confident and I’m sexy as hell.
Roxy welcomed me back and Alyssa had headed home, her work was done for the day. Now it was time to see my photos. We sat in the room where I had my makeup done and I thought to myself, no matter what the outcome of these photos, I had an awesome day. I felt beautiful, powerful and no matter what these photos showed, nothing could take that feeling from me.
When the first photo came up on the television screen in front of me, I wanted to look around the room to see if I was being punked or what was going on, but I couldn’t stop staring at the picture. I felt like jumping up and dancing, screaming oh yeah, that sexy mama is me.
Hell yeah! Holy shit, I could not believe what I was seeing. Roxy was watching me as I sat completely speechless and dumbstruck.
I looked at her and said, “That’s me.”
It wasn’t a question, but a statement and she smiled at me. We went through the pictures and I had a hard time choosing them. There was one picture that Roxy was so damn excited about and I knew when she showed it to me it had to be blown up. She told me I looked like a young Stevie Nicks and I was floored when I looked at the photo. Shit, this experience was worth the nerves and every damn cent I spent on it. Abso-fucking-lutely AMAZING!
I left that day knowing that within twenty-four hours I’d have photos sent to my phone until the four-week window of time until my album and metal art photos were complete. I floated out of there and home. Ben called and I was gushing on the phone. He said he was going to stop by on his way home and see me.
I had gotten dinner all ready and had a romantic table set. I had wine out and poured because I knew Trevor would be here soon. I changed into a short sexy, low cut deep emerald dress and waited. Ben got there and whistled as he looked me over.
“Jesus, Nessa. What the hell? That makeup, those eyelashes, holy shit.”
I smiled at him and said, “I know right. Wait till you see the pictures. Holy shit Ben, this was the most amazing birthday I’ve ever had.”
Ben hugged me and smiled.
“I’m so glad Vanessa. I’m so happy to see you smiling and damn near glowing.”
Ben and I talked for a little bit and I told him all about the shoot and then he said he was going to get out of my hair, so I could finish dinner before Trevor got there. I walked him out. I stood on the front porch with him and he smiled down at me. I looked up at him and he took my hands in his. Neither of us noticing that Trevor had pulled up.
“Vanessa, I know I’ve said it before, but you are gorgeous. That photo shoot finally made you see how beautiful you are. Don’t let that feeling go. Let it embrace you and surround you forever. Let this be a lesson to you, that no matter who is in your life you are beautiful, strong and sexy as hell girl.”
I smiled at him, and as I always did, I gave him a quick kiss and hug. He turned and we both saw Trevor coming down the walk to my porch.
He smiled at Trevor and said, “Take care of our girl.” Then he was gone.
Trevor came into the house and looked angry. I went to hug him and give him a kiss but he pulled away. I looked at him puzzled.
Trevor said, “Excuse me if I’m not wanting to kiss you after seeing your lips on another man. What the fuck was that, Vanessa?”
I looked at Trevor, now getting angry myself.
“What are you talking about? Ben stopped on his way home to see how my day off was and he wanted to see how my make-over went today. I treated myself to something different, so I could look good for you tonight.”
Trevor walked to the table with the wine and candles.
He pointed to it, “So this is all for me?”
I nodded.
He snorted, “I wish I believed that. Jesus Vanessa, that guy is always here. You two are always hugging and you kissed him. What the fuck?”
I moved toward him and picked up one of the glasses of wine and I slugged it back. I put it down and I said, “I can’t believe you are questioning me again about Ben. Trevor I told you I am in love with you.”
He looked at me and said, “Yeah, well I’m sorry but I just can’t see how you can be in love with me and kissing him. I don’t share, so let me make it easy for you and Ben.”
He turned on his heels and walked out slamming the front door. I stood there staring at the door and waited. For what I didn’t know, but I thought for sure I had to have been dreaming. I recovered from the shock of him walking out and I blew out the candles on the table when I realized he wasn’t coming back, as I blew them out I said, “Happy Birthday Vanessa.”
After taking off all the makeup, I lay in bed crying. My eyes were swollen and red in the morning so, I called in sick from work. I never called in sick. Word got around that I called in sick and Ben came barreling into my house at three in the afternoon to check on me since I wasn’t answering any of his or Lacie’s text messages. He found me in yoga pants and a t-shirt with red-rimmed eyes.
“What the hell Vanessa? What’s going on? Why is the food from last night still sitting on your table and why do you look like death warmed over?”
I shook my head and started crying again.
To Ben’s credit he didn’t hesitate. He swooped in and wrapped me in his arms while letting me ugly cry until I just couldn’t cry any longer. When I calmed some, Ben still held onto me and asked, “What’s going on Vanessa? I’ve never seen you cry like this.”
I just leaned into him and said, “He broke me Ben. He freaking broke me.”
He pulled back and pushed me to look at him.
“Who broke you? Trevor? What happened?”
I looked down and then back up into his eyes and said, “I took a chance and let myself fall in love. I should have known better. Girls like me don’t get the fairytales. It’s over.”
Ben shook his head, “No. It’s not over. What happened? How could he make you cry like this?”
I stood up and turned my back to Ben, “You know I’m not the Tin Man Ben. I have feelings and I cry. This shouldn’t be a surprise to you. I’ve cried before.”
I felt him move behind me and he said, “Yes, I’ve seen you cry before, but never like this. Nessa. Please tell me what happened because it sounds to me like you are in love and it just doesn’t turn off that easily.”
I moved out of Ben’s reach and said, “If this is what being in love feels like than I’m glad I’ve never been in love before. This sucks Ben, and it hurts like hell. I don’t want to feel this anymore. I want it to stop.”
I turned to look at him and another few tears rolled down my face. Ben opened his arms to me and I moved into them. As he wrapped his arms around me he said, “Cry baby girl. Let it all out, then we’ll get drunk and talk about kicking his ass.”
I laughed despite the situation and said, “Will that help?”
Ben said, “Damned if I know but it sounds like fun.”
We talked and I told him what happened last night and he was hurt that his presence caused me this pain. I assured him it was not his fault. That Trevor was the one with the problem. He was the one who was insecure about the relationship and no matter how much I tried to tell Trevor there was nothing going on with Ben, he just wouldn’t listen.
Ben looked at me and said, “Let me fix this baby girl. Let me go tell him about me.”
I shook my head.
“No. No one tells him now. Look, I went to his house and found his ex-naked in his bed and I freaked, but I stood by him and I trusted him. How can he not trust me the same? I mean I gave you a kiss like I always do, the same way I would kiss any friend or family if I had any. He doesn’t trust me and if he doesn’t trust me, then I can’t be with him. He obviously doesn’t love me the way I love him.”
Ben stayed with me and we cleaned up the kitchen and dining room. I threw all the food out and it caused a fresh streak of tears but I got through it and I assured Ben I was fine. I just needed to be alone. I called my boss at work and asked if I could have a few days off. I needed some time to get my head together. I packed up a bag and I packed up Leo’s things, then we took off.
I drove up into the mountains and rented a cabin for the rest of the week until Sunday. I needed to be alone. I turned my phone off after texting Ben and Lacie assuring them that I would be fine, but I needed some time to think and clear my head. I took Leo for a walk from the cabin to the lake and I sat on the lakebed just watching the sun gliding over the water. It shined and shimmered. It was the most amazingly beautiful thing.
I sat there until the sun started to set and it was breathtaking. Leo sat next to me knowing I needed to just be still and he didn’t budge from my side. We sat in silence. I made my mind up that if God could create such beautiful things, including me then I needed to accept the things that have happened to me and let it all go. No more self-hatred for my body, no more pity parties for myself because I felt like no one wanted me. Just no more. I drew in the strength from my photo shoot again and I let the feelings of that day wash over me as I sat there.
I knew in my heart, I would always love Trevor, but I couldn’t love a man that didn’t trust me. He didn’t believe in me enough to even hang around to let me try to explain. Who was I kidding, I wasn’t going to explain shit to him. I didn’t feel like I should have to because he should have trusted me enough to know nothing was going on with Ben. Bottom line, it was over.
Chapter 32
Trevor
I was short-tempered and I was hurt.
“Damn it Jayden. Get your stuff. I need to get to work and I still have to drop you at Grandmom’s.”
Jayden was testing my patience. He kept dawdling around and I just needed to get to the office and bury myself in work. It wasn’t Jayden’s fault that this happened but I just couldn’t stop the anger. I didn’t have time to figure things out and I didn’t want to either. It was done. She made her choice and obviously she wasn’t going to give up whatever she had going on with Ben, so I was out.
I took Jayden into my mom and she saw the sour mood I was in.
“Jayden go put your stuff away for Grandmom.”
Jayden scampered off and my mom looked at me.
“What’s going on? You have been absolutely unbearable and miserable.”
I looked at her and said, “Mom, I appreciate you taking care of Jayden, but you need to back out of my personal life.”
She shook her head at me. “I will forgive your words right now, but young man I am still your mother and you know better than to talk to me that way. What is happening? I called Vanessa too and she doesn’t answer her phone. It’s going right to voice mail. What happened?”
I ran my hands through my hair and let out a frustrated groan.
“Look, I’m sorry, Mom. I just don’t want to deal with this right now. Leave Vanessa alone. We are over.”
My mom looked at me, shocked.
“What happened?”
My mom looked heartbroken and I said, “She has this ‘friend’ named Ben.”
I air quoted the word friend and my mom nodded.
“Yes the doctor that she went to the Charity Ball with.”
I nodded and continued.
“She chose him. He was at her house the other day and she gave him a kiss. When I walked into the house, it was a cozy little dinner set up and she was all dolled up.”
My mom held her hands up, “Wait a minute. You saw her kiss him? When was this? Because I know for a fact that Vanessa asked me what your favorite meal was. She was making you all your favorites for dinner. I think she called me Tuesday night and was planning dinner on Wednesday.”
I looked at her and shook my head, “Yes that’s when it was. I saw her on her front porch hugging and kissing Ben. Then when I confronted her she didn’t deny kissing him. She couldn’t I saw it.”
My mom looked confused.
“I don’t understand. A kiss, kiss? Or a peck kiss?”
I growled in frustration, “What does it matter? She kissed him. It was a peck on the lips, but still a kiss. He’s always with her. I won’t share.”
My mom shook her head at me.
“Trevor Jacob Montgomery! I don’t believe you! You walked out on her because she pecked this man on the lips. They’ve been friends forever and they work together, of course they are always together. I kissed plenty of men who were friends of the family in front of your father. It meant nothing. They were friends. You better go talk to her. Fix this. You are overreacting.”
I shook my head. “Mom, I appreciate what you are saying, but no. It’s done. I told her I do not share and I won’t. I’m going to work. I’ll be there late, so can Jayden stay?”
She shook her head yes and I turned and headed out the door.
I worked till all but midnight. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to have down time. I needed to just keep working. But I left and went home. I collapsed on the bed and fell asleep. I got up and I did it all over again. I stopped to see Jayden in the morning, but he pretty much stayed with my mom. I immersed myself in my job. I raised our numbers, found some great properties for my clients and I growled and groused at everyone that entered my office. I spent the next three weeks working, eating, and sleeping.
Finally, the fourth week of my spiral downward, Jax came into my office and sat in front of me.
“Okay, not that I’m complaining because the money is flowing in, but what the hell is going on with you? You are here before me in the mornings, here after everyone leaves at night and you are growling and miserable to everyone. I mean Rae puts up with a lot of shit from you, but even she’s had enough of you lately. What gives?”
I leaned back in my chair. I rubbed my hands over my face and pulled on my beard.
“I don’t know Jax. I’m so fucking confused.”
My friend leaned back in the chair across from me and simply said, “Spill.”
I told him everything. I told him about the night I went to Vanessa’s and the incident with Ben. I told him how I’m still madly in love with her but I won’t share her. I told him everything.
