Jennifers surrender, p.12
Jennifer's Surrender, page 12
I nodded. Somehow it did make sense. Either that, or I just wanted to believe it.
Similar to my previous experience down in the playroom, I was exhausted and fell back asleep. When I awoke I was sore and alone. As there were no windows in the playroom, I had no idea what time it was, but when I turned over I saw Sir sitting in a chair with his laptop. He smiled at me warmly, set the computer down and came over to the bed. He stroked my face and hair as he looked down at me, “How do you feel?”
My immediate thought was “loved”. I can’t explain why, but after what we just did, the look on his face now, it felt like love. But I answered, “Mmmm, sore, thirsty…” I smiled, “horny” and then I added, “Sir.” He pulled back the blanked to reveal my well marked body. I wouldn’t be wearing skirts any time soon…
He handed me a bottle of water which I almost drained and then the look on his face was pure lust, “Horny, eh? Is that right?”
“Mmmmhmmm.” I mumbled sleepily. I once again felt like I was waking up from being drugged. He started gently fondling my breasts, which were still very tender from earlier in the day.
“Well, you were a very good girl earlier. I supposed I could reward you for such exemplary behavior.”
I grinned and then tried my best to be the overly-deferential sub, “Only if it pleases Sir, of course.” And I batted my eyes which made him laugh and pinch my nipples, earning a little yelp, more of surprise than anything else. Especially since I now knew what real pain was.
“I’ll tell you what, my little sub. Since your body is rather, uh, raw, I think any reward in the bed is going to feel like more punishment. Come with me.” Sir made sure to hold me as I got out of bed, and I was grateful that he did since my legs were still wobbly. Once sure I could stand, he held me the whole way just to make sure I didn’t collapse.
He led me out to the pool and held me as I got in. Oh, the water felt like heaven. I dunked under and floated, taking in all the sensations I felt of the water on my recently whipped body, as he undressed. The sound of him entering the water made me open my eyes, and I took in the gorgeous man with a grin on his face who was making his way towards me, stalking through the water. I dunked under again, slicking my hair back. When he got to me he grabbed my waist, pulling me to him and crushed his mouth onto mine. I wrapped my legs around his waist and felt his hard cock pulsing under me as his mouth took mine. I was reminded of what an amazing kisser this man was as I got lost in the feeling of our lips, our tongues, our teeth exploring and working together as we floated through the water as one.
I relaxed in his arms happy to drift along wherever he took us. I was so content. I felt him smile on my lips as we were kissing and I opened my eyes. “Do you know, little bird, the peacefulness on your face just then, it’s the same look you’ve had both times down in the playroom. Such serenity.”
I smiled, “I do feel at peace right now, here, with you. And there’s something about giving in to the pain, I can’t describe it. It doesn’t make sense to me, but I’m surprisingly relaxed when I surrender to the pain, to the punishment.” I chuckled, “And yes, I know what you’re going to say about me and how natural submission is to me. At least in the pain / pleasure realm.”
“If it were a struggle, then you’d know that this lifestyle weren’t for you.” he said and I nodded.
“Can I ask you a question about last night?”
“Of course.”
“I realized this morning that you didn’t once touch or even kiss Sara. Why not?”
“Does it bother you that I didn’t?”
I shook my head and chuckled, “No. Actually, I think I would have been jealous if you had. But, you didn’t mind me being with her?”
He smiled and tipped my head up, “I brought her home with us for you, little bird.” I looked at him confused. “Plus, do you have any idea how sexy it was, watching the two of you together?” I smiled shyly. “I loved watching you let go of your inhibitions.”
“Thank you, Sir. But,” I swallowed, thinking I shouldn’t ask what was coming out of my mouth, “Why didn’t you want to be with her?”
He kissed me as he continued leading us around the pool, “When I have a submissive, I don’t want to be with anyone else. My focus is on you. Part of my responsibility, is to take care of you. I didn’t think you’d be ok seeing me with someone else and I don’t want you to worry. But mostly, I just want to be with you.”
I grinned from ear to. And he said, “It seems that was the right answer.”
I nodded and swallowed and then asked, “So, I’m your submissive?”
“I would say so. Wouldn’t you?”
I whispered, “Yes, Sir.” I couldn’t believe how giddy I felt inside.
“Now, my little sub, any more questions? You better get them out now because I’m ready to fuck you.” he pulled me tighter and ground his erection into me to emphasize his point and bit my neck.
“No, Sir, no more questions.”
That weekend I experienced more emotion over the span of just a couple days than perhaps I ever had in my entire life. Not all of it good, but to feel so much… from degradation Friday night to loneliness Saturday to feeling so wanton and free with my sexuality Saturday night with Sara to the humiliation Sunday morning and then the odd liberation that the punishment brought and finally, the most care and love I think I’ve ever felt on Sunday afternoon. It was a roller coaster, to be sure. But it also felt like, for the first time ever, that I was living at my capacity. I wasn’t just going through the motions. I was feeling everything possible. I wasn’t sure if I’d want to be so heightened in all things all the time. It was exhausting. But it did feel like I was experiencing so much, and I knew that it was all because of Sir.
It was as if I had been on a diet of the same five foods for my entire life, and now I was feasting on a buffet full of hundreds of options. I knew there were more tasty treats I wanted to sample, and what Master was offering seemed to be all-you-can eat.
CHAPTER 18
The next week started much the same as the previous one. Monday I was on cloud nine. I think I floated into the office, much the same way that Sir and I floated around the pool the day before. I couldn’t remember ever feeling about anyone else, the way that I felt about him. The feelings were so intense it was a struggle not to let thoughts of him take over every waking moment. But I remembered back to the previous week, and noted how quickly that went downhill, so I promised myself that I would be stronger this week.
Of course, my instructions for the week helped in that area. Sir still told me that I wasn’t allowed to touch myself or make myself come without him or his express instructions. But he also told me that we would see each other during the week, making my abstention easier to swallow.
I knew I still had damage control to do Monday morning, so my first stop was Bill’s office. I had purposely arrived early to make sure he knew my behavior from the previous week would not be repeated. When I heard him come in, I walked down the hall to his office as he was getting settled and knocked on the door jam.
He looked up and smiled, “Good morning, Jen. Good weekend?” his tone seemed neutral, neither overly solicitous nor still angry.
“It was very good, thanks. And you?”
“It was fine. You’re in early.”
“I, Bill, I wanted to apologize again for last week. I, um I…” I realized I didn’t know what my excuse was, or at least, what I could say that wouldn’t make me sound like a horny idiot, as in, ‘um, I wasn’t allowed to masturbate so I got cranky’. “I guess I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I feel awful for how I acted. I know how much you’ve done for me, and I want to make you proud, not regretful that I’m here.”
“Thank you, Jen. I appreciate you saying that. I am proud of you.” he paused and then said, “You know, a lot of people here think you’re teacher’s pet.” I smiled. It was pretty well known that I was Bill’s ‘favorite’ in the office. He had taken me under his wing, and while he didn’t give me any special treatment, there was clearly a bond. “I realize that every now and then we’re all going to have a bad day or a bad week. But especially given that your coworkers might already feel that you’re given special status with me, your actions don’t just reflect poorly on you. They also reflect poorly on me.”
My stomach sank. He said almost verbatim what Sir had said. I knew they were close friends. I knew they had talked, I knew Bill had told Sir about my outburst, but… Nah. I’m overthinking this. My actions did reflect on him. But he wasn’t finished. “Their reactions aside, I expect better from you. Certainly more control and respect.” Was my mind playing tricks on me? Was I already seeing everything through the filter of my relationship? I tried to think if Bill had talked about ‘control’ and ‘respect’ much in the past. I couldn’t argue that he was absolutely right. My outburst was a lack of both.
I chalked it up to coincidence and said “I know, Bill, and I promise you, it won’t happen again.”
“I know it won’t,” he said in a low voice that made me shake. I nodded, smiled weakly and mumbled something about getting to work.
I walked back to my office considering how my actions were reflections of the men around me, and I vowed that I would make them both proud. For different reasons, I didn’t want to disappoint either of them. Both of their approval meant so much to me, I rationalized that by making them proud, I was making myself better. A better employee, a better submissive, more desirable in both work and personal realms.
I also knew that I would be seeing Sir mid-week, which took some of the anxiety away. It was only Monday morning, and I already missed him. I hadn’t ever felt so needy when it came to a man. Then again, I had never been with anyone like Sir. I felt so much when I was with him, that now that I was back in the real world, everything seemed so bland in comparison. Maybe that was it. As for the whole orgasm denial, I was starting to understand the reasons behind it. That it made it that much more intense when it was allowed, and that it was one more thing that I had no control over. Given that Sir made me feel sensations I had never felt before, to give him control over when and how I felt those things seemed like a fair swap. I knew that he would tell me I should just submit to it because that was how he wanted it, but I was still getting used to this new type of relationship, and new type of thinking, or non-thinking as it were.
Once in my office, I dove into work, committing myself to delivering the best I could to Bill and not thinking about Sir while I was here, as much as I could control that. Ironically, work wasn’t just about work given that I was focused on the Tutto account, so even if I could have ignored thoughts about Sir, everything I was working on all kept coming back to my brilliant idea of ‘surrender’.
As the day got going, and the deeper I dug into the campaign, the more naturally it started flowing. All of the concepts, all of the ideas that were coming to me now felt completely authentic and on target. I was actually able to tap into the feeling that I now knew. It was no longer a theory or an idea. It was reality.
Greg was in my office and we were going over things when he said, “Wow, Jen, I feel like you don’t even need me here. You’re so into this idea, I feel like I can’t contribute anything.”
“Don’t be silly, Greg. It’s a team effort.” I didn’t want him to feel badly. “This account makes sense to me. I’m sure the next one will probably be about motorcycles or football, and then you’re going to be the guru and I’ll be way out of my depth.”
“Whatever you say.” He said and then added, “So, um, you doin’ better? You seem a lot happier than last week.”
I laughed, “Yeah, I’m better thanks. Must have been PMS or something.” I knew if I pulled out the female card, that would be the end of that conversation.
“Oookaay, well then.” He said uncomfortably. Then he added, “Hey, a few of us are going out to grab some drinks after work. Wanna join?”
All I really wanted to do was go home and sleep, but I thought it was a good idea not to put all my eggs in Sir’s basket. Perhaps going out with ‘normal’ people would give me a little balance take my mind off of him. “Yeah, that sounds great!”
“Cool.” He said simply and we got back to work.
A group of five of us ended up walking down the street to a local bar / coffee house / book shop. It was me, Greg, another art director named Chris, Valerie who was one of the account execs and Michael, a designer.
We had settled into a table that had a clear view of the book store portion. Conversation was mostly work-related until two women in their 40s were walking out of the book shop, giggling, clutching that book as they were obviously reading one of the steamier passages.
Greg said, “What is it about that book? Seriously! It’s everywhere.” The other guys nodded and I just stared into my cocktail. “Jen, Val, you’re girls, have you read it?”
Damn me and my blushing. I knew I was bright red. “Oh My God Jen! You have read it!” Greg accused.
“Well, jeez, Greg, me and 10 million other people. It’s not like I’m some deviant. It’s part of the lexicon now…You know, we have to keep up with pop culture and all. Know what’s trending.” I was sounding lamer and lamer as I spoke.
Chris piped in, “Yeah, sure Jen, trending. So it was just research to keep your finger on the pulse of what’s current?”
I laughed, “Exactly! Thank you, Chris!”
Then Michael said, “I’m not embarrassed to say that I read it.” We all turned to him. “What? If that’s what chicks want, I’m doing my duty as a red-blooded heterosexual man to give it to them!” groans and laughs all around.
“Dude, seriously? Have you tried some of the stuff in there? Do chicks like it?” Chris asked.
Michael got cocky, “Haven’t gotten any complaints” and then he and Chris high fived. I looked at Val and she rolled her eyes at me. I returned the look.
“So, like, is it all about whips and chains and stuff?” Chris asked.
“Ok, guys, I don’t really want to hear about what Michael does on his dates!” I interrupted, trying to head this conversation off before it got any more detailed.
“You never know, Jen. You might learn a thing or two.” Michael said.
“Thanks, Michael, but I’m good.” If you only knew how good…
“Ok, but I’m just sayin’. I’ve put some of the things to practice and it can be pretty hot.”
I could see Chris and Greg hanging on his every word.
Val leaned over and whispered in my ear, “these guys are so clueless.” I stifled my laugh and nodded.
Michael kept talking, “Dude, this one chick wanted me to—“
I cut him off and said, “Ok, I’m going to take off. You guys can compare notes.”
“Chicken!” Michael said. I just shook my head and rolled my eyes.
“Yep, that must be it. All right everyone, I’ll see you tomorrow.” I tossed some cash down onto the table and started to leave.
“Hey, I’m sorry, Jen. I wasn’t trying to make you uncomfortable. Stay, I promise I’ll stop talking about it.” Michael said.
“No worries. I’m just not comfortable talking about sex with my co-workers. That’s all. And, I wanted to get to sleep early anyway.”
“Hold up, I’m coming.” Val said and we both made our way out of the bar. Once outside she said, “Thank you for stopping Michael’s play-by-play. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to keep my drink down if I heard any more.” I laughed. Val and I weren’t especially close, but she always had seemed nice enough.
“No kidding. The last thing I want is to talk about sex with people I work with. Hello, boundaries people!” I said and we both laughed. We talked about random things the rest of the way back to the office. After we said our goodbyes, and once I was in my car, I laughed at myself for talking about boundaries knowing how I had given up pretty much all boundaries with Sir.
I was comforted though that ‘I am a submissive and doing all kinds of kinky things’ wasn’t plastered on my forehead. Keeping work and my relationship with Sir separate helped me feel some sense of balance or normalcy. And when it came to what I felt with him, normal or balance weren’t usually two words that came to mind.
Little did I know that this separation of church and state would be so short lived.
CHAPTER 19
Buoyed by the fact that I would be seeing Sir on Wednesday, getting through the first few days at work was much more manageable this week. I embraced the power that I had, as Creative Director, and used it to remind myself that I wasn’t weak. I chose to submit to Sir, but that didn’t have to define who I was in other parts of my life.
It was 6pm and I still hadn’t heard from him. I wanted to call, but once again knew that it wasn’t my place. I really didn’t like this aspect of the relationship. Waiting for him to call when he was ready, leaving me in the dark. There were other ways that the anticipation made the payoff better, but this wasn’t one of them. I focused on my work and resolved that I wouldn’t think about it because there wasn’t anything I could do about it. He would call when he would call.
I had my headphones on as I was listening to a TV spot on my computer. Since Bill didn’t like closed doors, we typically watched spots this way so that the whole office didn’t have to hear them play over and over as we made edits.
I think I must have literally jumped when I realized that Sir was standing in the doorway. A slow smile crept over his face and I knew I was blushing as I fumbled removing the headphones.
“Hi, um, hi.” I said lamely. I didn’t know what to call him here at work. Stephen sounded weird, and would probably upset him, but calling him Sir in front of my coworkers?
“Hi yourself. You seem jumpy, little bird.” His smile was so carnal, so mischievous.
“I wasn’t expecting you. I mean, I knew” then I hushed my voice, “I knew I’d be seeing you tonight, I just didn’t know you’d be coming to my office.” And then I added for good measure, since I was whispering, “Sir.”
