Jennifers surrender, p.16
Jennifer's Surrender, page 16
“Ok. Well, I’d still like to see you. And I’d like to talk about what you’re feeling, and help you find the answers to your questions. But it’s up to you if you want that. If you want to keep seeing me.” His voice had softened, and just hearing him offer this weakened my resolve.
“I left my place today the way you wanted me to be, but after running into Sara, I went back home and changed, putting on a bra and underwear. So, if I come over, you can’t punish me for that.”
“I can’t?” he sounded somewhere between amused and angry, at the thought that I was telling him what to do.
“Please don’t.” and I sounded weak.
“We’ll discuss it when I see you.” he said and then added, “I will see you tonight, won’t I, Jennifer?”
I took a deep breath. Both of us knew the answer. But I replied, meekly, anyway, “Yes, Sir. I’ll see you tonight.”
“Good. Now, stop worrying, little bird.”
“Yes, Sir.” I said unconvincingly.
“Good bye, Jennifer.”
“Good bye, Sir.”
CHAPTER 21
That night, I drove up to Malibu more confused than ever. I knew I wanted to be with him, I knew there were parts of our relationship that made me feel amazing, and I didn’t want to walk away from those. But there were other things, things that when said out loud, sounded so awful, I wasn’t sure I could keep doing them.
I’m not sure why it took someone else, a relative stranger, to point out what should have been obvious to me.
When I got out of the car, Sir walked out of the front door to greet me, and pulled me into a big hug. I wasn’t expecting that, but obviously, he knew I needed comforting. We stood there for a long time as he stroked my back and hair, kissing the top of my head and just holding me. It felt so good. Finally he pulled back and asked, “Ready to come inside, little bird?” I just nodded, and walked hand in hand with him inside.
When we got in, I instinctively started taking my clothes off. Sir stood, leaning against the banister with his arms crossed and watched me. Once I was naked, and my clothes were folded, sitting on the entryway table where I always put them, I knelt down into position and then looked up, awaiting further instruction. He smiled.
“Why did you just undress and kneel, Jennifer?” he asked softly.
I thought it was a trick question. “What? What do you mean? Those are your rules. You told me from the first time I was here that you wanted me naked when I was here. And that I should kneel until or unless you told me otherwise.” I looked around, like my surroundings would somehow have my answer. Then I looked back at him and asked, “You, you don’t want me anymore?” and I could feel my heart pounding. I could feel the tears pricking my eyes.
“Come here, little bird.” He said, still softly, as he held his hands out. I stood up and took them and he led us to the living room where he motioned for me to sit on the couch with him.
“Jennifer, this morning you were ready to walk away. But the moment you’re here, you immediately submit to me. Do you see how I might be confused by this?”
I nodded and then shook my head as laughed lightly, “It’s already become instinctual.” I admitted. He nodded and smiled, knowingly.
“Do you want to tell me what happened with Sara this morning?”
I looked down and took a deep breath and then said, “She apologized for acting the way she did.” He nodded and let me pause. “And then she asked how I could let you do those things to me. And I didn’t have an answer.”
“Why does it matter to you what she thinks?”
“It doesn’t. What matters is that I didn’t have an answer for me. If I say out loud, ‘I let a man humiliate me in front of other people and beat me with my permission.’ When I say those words, I can’t believe I’m talking about myself.”
“But when you’re with me, when you do those things, when you accept what I give you, good and bad, how do you feel?”
“You know the answer to that.” And the minute I said it, I knew that I did too.
“I want to hear you say it. I want you to hear yourself say it.”
I’m not sure why it became so clear at that moment, but it did. “I feel like you give me what I need. What my body and ego and emotions crave. Pleasing you is so important to both you and me, I feel like I’m finally with someone who understands how badly I need that. The praise and the pleasure and the punishment all are very clear cut. Even when they’re not, it doesn’t matter, because it’s what you want, and that’s enough because in the end, I feel like whatever the outcome, it benefits me. Even when it’s pain or humiliation, there’s something that I feel I learn from or gain from the experience. Even when it’s just your comfort after something bad, I want that so badly, the rest just falls away.”
He smiled and said, “If it’s that clear to you now, why wasn’t it earlier today?”
“I don’t know. It’s not an easy concept for most people. And to try to explain it I just sound like I’m excusing it. It’s clearer, but I wouldn’t say crystal clear.” He laughed a little. “I think it’s clearer, but it doesn’t mean I think it’s right.” Then I laughed, “I’m not sure I approve of myself.”
“Would you approve of yourself staying in an unsatisfying relationship that was more acceptable by normal standards?”
“It would be easier to explain to others, that’s for sure.” I paused. “I think most people just go through the motions, never questioning what they’re doing in their lives because most of it is acceptable by normal standards. Even if it is unsatisfying. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’ve questioned practically every single thing we’ve done, every moment with you.” then I thought more and added, “I don’t think I ever knew what I wanted or needed before.”
“And now you do?”
“Maybe not completely, but more than before.” Then I thought, now’s my time to get it all out. “But, I don’t like feeling like I have no say in things. I’ll admit I like surrendering to you sexually, but, for example, I don’t like feeling like I can’t call you if I want, that I always have to wait for you to call.”
“I’ve never said you couldn’t call me. It would be nice to hear from you if you felt like it.” Oh, this man was so good at manipulating me, and I just played right into it. I rolled my eyes.
I was tired of talking. All the emotion of the day was exhausting, and I knew that all I wanted was for him to take control. I got up off the couch and knelt facing him, in position, knees spread, hands clasped behind my back, ready for him to direct the rest of the evening, and weekend. I looked up and said, “I surrender, Sir.” And the look on his face told me that he got it. He understood me completely.
“Come.” He said as he stood and held his hand out. I took it, genuinely grateful to be led. We walked down to the playroom and I felt immense relief when we walked in. Relief that I wouldn’t have to think. Relief that he would know what I needed. Relief that he would take care of me.
“We’re just going to have our ‘appetizer’ down here, little bird. We both need to eat, and if we get too carried away playing now, you’ll float off too quickly. But you need a good spanking and a quick fucking before either of us will be able to relax and enjoy a nice dinner, so, up you go.” He said and gestured to the spanking bench. Just the mention of spanking got me wet.
I climbed up and rested my shins on the pads that were on either side of it, doing the same with my arms, as he strapped me in.
“I’m going to spank you hard for 10 strokes only, but I’m going to use the paddle. This will hurt, Jennifer.”
“Yes, Sir.”
And he wasn’t kidding. He hadn’t paddled me before, and, like with everything else, it was different. Different than a hand, a crop, a flogger, a cane. It covered the most surface, and, since it had holes in it, he was able to gather quite a bit of force with each stroke. I understood why he was doing it hard, and only a few strokes. He didn’t want me slipping off into subspace. The first one landed hard and it stung and hurt. A lot. He alternated between cheeks and almost as soon as he had started, it was over. I actually wanted more as the stinging sensation was starting to subside. Then I heard him unzip and felt his cock shove into me, making me moan.
“I know you need more, little bird. And you’ll get it.” He stroked in and out at a leisurely pace, “this is just to tide you over till after dinner.”
Breathily, I said, “Thank you, Sir.”
And he fucked me hard and quick, bring on my orgasm in a couple of minutes. As I felt it rising, he felt it too. He knew when I was close, but I waited until he told me. “Ok, Jennifer, you can come now.” And once he said that I released all the stress and anxiety of the day.
We made our way back upstairs to the kitchen where he had Chilean sea bass marinating. He poured us both a glass of wine and instructed me to make the salad while he sautéed the mushrooms, and pan seared the fish, “not a good idea for you to get too close to the stove, dear. This will splatter.”
I smiled and shook my head. He had just spanked me, and I knew my ass was pink with little round welts from the air holes in the paddle, but he didn’t want oil splattering on my naked body because it might hurt.
When we sat down to dinner, I raised my glass and said, “Thank you for understanding, Sir. I’m not sure I always do, but talking earlier helped.”
“You’re welcome, little bird. If you need to talk, then talk to me. Running away from it is not going to give you the answers you’re looking for.”
“I know. But sometimes running is easier.” Then I added, “You’ve lived this lifestyle for most of your adult life.” He nodded. “I’m 36 years old and so much of what I’ve known when it comes to sex and relationships and my feelings has been turned upside down in less than a month.”
“I know little bird. All the more reason to trust me. I know what’s best for you. Even when you may not. Remember that.”
There are so many moments that, in looking back, I think were the pivotal moments where I gave away my free will. But as I continue this retrospective, I realize, there wasn’t any one moment. It was a series of times, of events, where I let him take pieces of me, bit by bit. I gave myself to him wholly, but he took slowly, a little here, a little there. I didn’t lose myself all at once. I think if it had been sudden, then the shock alone could have changed the outcome. But it wasn’t sudden, like a heart attack. It was like a slow growing cancer that little by little started to eat up every healthy cell, invading and taking over my body until it claimed all of me.
After dinner, we went back down to the playroom and he delivered on his promise. “We haven’t put you on the Saint Andrew’s cross yet, have we dear?” he asked rhetorically. I shook my head feeling the excitement in me grow at trying something new.
“Mmmmm.” He said as he rubbed my bottom, looking at the cross, then back at me, then back at it. “You’re going to like this, little bird.” He said as he led me over to it, helping me up, fastening first my ankles, then my wrists.
He put on some soft choral music, it sounded religious, and I thought it appropriate given that I was on a cross. The lighting was soft, and between it, the music and the couple glasses of wine with dinner, I was very relaxed. Sir picked up the flogger, and like the last time he had used it, he started out slowly, making long fluid strokes. My eyes started to drift close and he hit me harder, which made me open them and he reminded me, “Eyes on me, Jennifer.” He said softly but firmly.
“Yes, Master.” I whispered and the corner of his mouth turned up ever so slightly. He was fascinating to watch. There was nothing random about where each stroke landed. It was all planned out, following a rhythm that he had in his head.
There wasn’t a spot on my front side that the flogger missed. I almost wished I had been strung up like before where there was nothing behind me so he could cover all of me. But my ass was still sore from the earlier paddling, and this was still the beginning. I knew he was just warming up.
There were so many things I was learning about my body. The insides of my legs and arms were much more sensitive than the outsides, and the sides of my torso, were also more tender than I would have thought. The tops of ones feet, I learned, are very, very sensitive, and there’s no pleasure there. But the light bite of the flogger, even when he started swinging harder, is a wonderful sensation. Because it has some give, as opposed to everything else in his arsenal, it strokes the body even as it’s hitting it.
He criss-crossed my body many times, following his route. Once the route was over, he’d increase the intensity. I’m not sure what round we were on when he pulled out a mini flogger from his pocket. With his left hand, he now focused the big one on my breasts, and simultaneously hit my pussy with the mini-one, which he wielded in his right hand. The sensation was intense, overwhelming. All of a sudden, every blow was concentrated on my breasts and my pussy. The rest of my skin was tingling with stinging pain that was subsiding and all the heat was now starting to pool in my core. “Oooh, oooh, Siiiirrrr, pleeeasssee.” Oh, I wasn’t going to be able to hold on, “Pleeeaasse Siiiir.”
“That’s right, little bird, that’s right.” He said as he continued to hit my sensitive spots over and over. The intensity and the pace started to increase too.
“Pleeeeasssse Siiiir, please, please make me come. Please let me come.” I was moaning, just waiting, holding on for his ok.
“Who controls your orgasms, Jennifer?” he asked in his soft-stern voice.
“You do, Sir.”
“That’s right, little bird. I can give you what your body needs. You know that. Your body knows that.” And the strokes kept coming and coming.
“Yessssiiirrr.”
“Who gives your body what you need, Jennifer?” oh God, he was drawing this out.
“You do, Master, only you.” I was gritting my teeth, trying to hold on.
“That’s right, only me.” Then he really went to town and finally said, “Ok, Jennifer, you may come now.”
“Thaannnk oooooohhhhhuuuuuunnnnnnAAAAAAHHHHH” I moaned and screamed and bucked as my orgasm overtook me, shaking me everywhere. When it finally subsided, my aftershocks went on a bit longer and I continued to moan as he unbuckled me and laid me down on the bed, and then slowly undressed. When he was naked he leaned over me and made such tender, sweet love to me that I felt tears falling as I came again.
The rest of the weekend followed a similar path. The more things he introduced me to in the playroom, the more my body responded. It was a weekend of intense pleasure and pain, but because the pain was also pleasurable, it was all good. We didn’t do much other than eat, drink, lounge, play, fuck and bathe. We didn’t leave his place and I was on cloud nine by Sunday afternoon. As much as I didn’t want to go home, I wasn’t sure my body could take much more, though if he had given it, of course I would have taken it.
In our final bath of the weekend, I asked, “How did you learn about all of this?”
“All of what?” he asked coyly.
“About whips and floggers and canes, oh my.” I said and he chuckled.
“You make me laugh, little bird. Among other things.” We were facing each other in the tub and he lifted my foot and kissed the underside of it.
“Don’t try to dodge the question! How did you learn about, as you say, other things? It’s not instinctual to know that flogging someone might be pleasurable. I certainly didn’t know until I met you, Sir.”
“True. It’s not for everyone.” We both smiled and then he relented, “When I was a senior in college, one night some of us ended up at a local BDSM club. I was fascinated by what I saw. I already knew I was very, uh, controlling, in my relationships, but I had no idea that there was a whole lifestyle.”
“I hate that word.” I said and he raised his eyebrows. “It just seems so manufactured and so, limiting.”
“Limiting? I’ve never heard that before. If anything, most people think it pushes their limits.” Sir enjoyed discussions, but he really became engaged when talking about this.
“Yes, what’s done in ‘the lifestyle’ definitely pushes one’s limits. I’m talking about the term itself. When I started reading about ‘the lifestyle’ even though some of the practices interested me, I never thought I’d be a part of it. I mean, I don’t see myself dressed in leather hanging out in BDSM clubs. It’s so, I don’t know, it’s just not me.”
“But what we do is.” He stated.
“Yes, I’ve come to learn that. But the idea of hanging out in clubs with, what I imagine are a lot of unattractive pasty, pierced, heavy white people in leather… kind of grosses me out. And makes me laugh.” I wondered if he was going to be offended but he smiled and nodded. “Anyway, I thought that to be part of the lifestyle, that I would have to fit into that. I guess that’s what I mean about it sounding limiting.”
“I know what you mean. But clubs are a good place to learn.”
“So that’s where you, um, learned?”
“In the beginning, yes. They have all the equipment, and the people who go to them, it’s a pretty sure thing that they’re into what you’re into, so that eliminates a lot of the guess work.” He trailed off as he picked up one of my feet and started massaging it. “But I understand what you’re talking about. Even though I may have shared an interest in the type of activities, I’m a rather private person. And just the thought of leather pants makes me sweat.” I laughed out loud when he said that, and so did he.
Lying there, laughing with him, as he massaged my feet, I felt happier than I could ever remember. I was having the most amazing sex ever, feeling things I had never even imagined possible, and not just sexual, though that was a big part of it. I felt so cared for. And I genuinely enjoyed his company. I was lulled into thinking, this was our lifestyle, not proscribed by a set of rules, but this was what we enjoyed doing with each other, and I assumed that it would stay like this, because it was so good. He had his little games he liked to play, like telling me not to wear a bra, or whatever, but they seemed trivial given how much joy I was feeling.
