Jennifers surrender, p.23
Jennifer's Surrender, page 23
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Too soon. I just, it just seemed like you were feeling better. I’m sorry. I won’t ask again, ok? You tell me when you’re ready. And if that’s never, that’s fine, ok?”
I nodded and swallowed. God, my throat was dry. And I realized, I hadn’t brushed my teeth in days. I was the girl who usually brushed three times a day. I was suddenly aware of my hygiene with him there.
“Do you need something?” he asked. Damn, he was good.
“Would you mind getting me a glass of water?” I asked softly.
“Sure sweetie. Be right back.” He got up and I watched him walk into the kitchen. He brought it back and as I swallowed it, we could both hear the rumbling in my stomach.
“I smell and I’m making bodily noises. You don’t have to stay Bill.” I felt bad having him here in my stinky apartment.
“Jen, I’m staying until I think you can take care of yourself. And right now, I don’t.”
“Ok.” I said lamely. Truthfully, I didn’t want him to go. What I really wanted all of a sudden was a bath and a pizza.
“God, I wish I had a bath tub. I love this place, but that’s the one thing that’s missing.” I paused and then, as surreptitiously as possible, smelled my armpits and was horrified. “Oh my God, I am so embarrassed.” Bill just shrugged. “I’m going to go take a shower. I’ll be right back.” Bill moved out of the way to let me get out of bed, but thankfully he didn’t go too far because the minute I tried to stand up my legs went out from under me. He caught me and I trembled, feeling his hands on me. Then I relaxed and he set me back down on the bed.
“You’re not taking a shower by yourself.” He said and I shot him a look. “I don’t mean it like that, Jen. I mean I don’t want you to fall and crack your head on the tile.”
“Oh, yeah, that.” I said and wondered how I was going to get this stench off myself if I couldn’t even stand.
“I’m going to float an idea, and just hear me out before you reject it.” Bill said and I waited, “I’m not comfortable leaving you alone just yet, Jen. And I could sleep on your couch here for the next couple of days, and that would be fine. Or, you could stay with me at my house, in your own room, and take a bath in the big Jacuzzi tub, and I could make sure you’re cared for, but would be able to give you some space too.”
My kneejerk reaction was no. But after that, I thought, it actually sounded nice. Neutral ground for me. No memories of anything. And I wouldn’t be putting Bill out as much if he were staying in his own place.
“Are you sure?”
“There’s no question in my mind. About any of it. I’m not leaving you alone until I’m sure you’re ok. So the only real question is where we are.”
“I think you’d be more comfortable in your own place. And I’m already putting you out…”
He didn’t let me finish, “You’re not putting me out. I offered.”
I smiled and looked down. “Thank you, Bill. I’m not sure I can put into words how much I appreciate this.” I swallowed, collecting my thoughts, “I’m also not sure how long I would have stayed in this bed if you hadn’t come by.”
“Luckily, we don’t have to worry about that. Because I did. Now, you’ll have to direct me to pack a little bag for you.” He stood, ready to get going at the task at hand. Bill was a problem solver.
This was a whirlwind compared to the last 96 hours or so of nothingness. It took me a minute to process and then I said, “Um, suitcase is in the hall closet.” He walked out and I heard him rummaging as I sat there feeling helpless, but there was no way I was up to doing any of this and the truth was, it felt good to be taken care of. He came back, ready for the next order. “Ok, I’m just going to have you pack me some sweats and tshirts cause I don’t think I’m up for much more than sitting around the house, um, your house.”
“No evening gowns required.” He said and winked. “Ok, where might those sweats and tshirts be?” I pointed and he grabbed an assortment, showing them to me and I nodded.
“Um, and undies and bras and socks, top drawer.” I said quickly. Like if I said it fast, it wouldn’t be weird that my boss was digging into my underwear drawer. Then again, given everything else, this was the least of it.
“I’ll just pick out what’s on top and not really look, sound good?” he said, and I appreciated his tact. Then he asked, “I’m not sure how long you’ll be staying, but do you want to bring any running clothes? I know how important running is to you.” This just about broke my heart it was so thoughtful.
“Second drawer is running shorts and running bras. Thanks, Bill.” He flashed me a quick smile, grabbed a couple of everything and then turned to me and said,
“It’s not like we can’t come back to pick up other things if we need. Now, anything else?”
“Um, in the bathroom: toothbrush, toothpaste, hairbrush, eye cream, face cream, deodorant. All in the medicine cabinet.” He dutifully walked to the bathroom and I heard him grab all of the above.
“Ok, you wait here, I’m going to go drop this in the car and then I’ll be back for you. Hang tight, sunshine.”
In the ten or fifteen minutes that Bill had been there, he made me feel like a different person than I had in the last four days. He would have been a great dad, I thought, as I watched him gather all of my things. He came back and smiled, asking, “Ready for a vacation at Chez Kitt?” I couldn’t help but smile and nod. I started to make my way out of the bed and he held out his hand to steady me. I think it was a combination of lying in bed for days and eating nothing that had made me so weak, but I was grateful for his support, all of his support.
When we walked out of the bedroom and towards the front door, I saw that blanket for the first time since I had dropped it. I covered my mouth and thankfully we were right next to the kitchen. I made it to the sink and puked. Foul, sour liquid, over and over until I was just dry heaving. I could feel the sweat all over my body. Even my scalp was soaked. Bill was behind me, holding my hair back and making sure I wasn’t going to fall. When I finally stopped retching, I stayed hovering over the sink panting. Finally, I turned the tap on and rinsed my mouth. Without turning around, I said, “Bill, before we go, can I ask you one more favor?”
“Anything, Jen.” His voice was back to soft and full of fear.
“That blanket that’s by the door? Can you please throw it out in the dumpster? I’ll stay right here until you get back. Promise, I won’t move.”
I knew he was confused, but he reacted like a soldier. “On it. Be right back.” Bill, like so many men, just wanted to fix things. If throwing the blanket out would do that, then he didn’t need to be told twice. He let go of me and I heard him rush quickly to take out the trash. I sunk down to my elbows and regained my breath. I had grabbed a paper towel and wiped my face off, and I knew I must look like a homeless person by now. But I didn’t care. I was going to go with Bill, to where it was safe, and he was going to take care of me.
CHAPTER 28
We drove in relative silence to Bill’s house. In all the time I had worked for him, I had never been there. There wasn’t really any reason I would have. He had what I guess would be called country craftsman style house in Brentwood. Nice place. Really nice place. And even from the curb, it oozed comfort. Solid, but comfortable. A place to live in, not a museum. He walked me in and I was right. Lots of light and big windows so it felt like all of the outdoors were right there. Sturdy comfortable furniture, yet the way it was decorated, it could have been in Architectural Digest. It was a ranch style house, single story that wrapped around a big backyard, complete with a pool and Jacuzzi. We walked down the hallway to the guest bedroom.
“This will be your room. I’m just going to drop your bag here. But the nice tub is down in my bathroom.” I just nodded, taking it all in. Not just my new surroundings, but the sur-reality that I was here, with Bill in his house and he was playing nursemaid.
We walked into his bedroom and the big, four poster bed was the main attraction. It looked like it was out of a fairy tale. It faced a wall of French doors that looked out onto the back yard.
Further in was the bathroom. He pointed to the toilet and said, “Sit.” I lowered the lid and did just that as he bent over and turned on the tub water. Even given everything, I couldn’t help but admire his ass. I shook my head and rolled my eyes at myself. The tub started filling and steam was coming off the water. He turned back and asked, “Suds or no suds?”
“That is the question.” And I giggled at myself. He smiled. “No suds, thanks.” He looked surprised. I wanted the water clean. I wanted to be able to see what marks were on my body. I didn’t want to feel like I was at a day spa. I wanted this bath for purification.
“Ok, here’s soap, shampoo, conditioner and a razor, should you so desire. It’s a new one too.” He winked. “Fresh towels are right here.” He patted on a stack of fluffy cream colored towels. “I’m going to leave you now, but I’m going to leave the door cracked open so that if you need anything, you can just yell, ok?”
I nodded, “Thank you, Bill. I can’t—“
“Jen, I want to help you, in whatever way I can. Ok?” I nodded. “Take as long as you need. I’ll be in my office which is just off my bedroom.” Then he walked out, almost closing the door completely, but leaving just a crack, just in case.
I took a deep breath and walked over to the tub, leaning in to feel the water temp. It felt perfect. Hot enough to wash all the grime off. I kicked off my shoes and socks and slowly lowered my sweatpants. I stood up and gently pulled off my Henley. Then I did something I shouldn’t have done. I looked in the mirror. I didn’t even recognize the woman I saw. I had always been thin, but my ribs and hip bones and clavicle were poking out. My hair was a ball of grease. But all of that would have been ok. It was the bruises. They were all over my body. Most were concentrated on my upper arms, a few around my breasts and more on my hips. I assumed my backside looked just as bad, if not worse, but I wouldn’t have the chance to look because suddenly I was falling backwards. I vaguely registered my butt hitting the floor and then a dull thunk when my head landed on the bath mat.
“Jen. Jen. Jesus, Jen, oh my God.” My eyes flitted open to Bill crouching over me. It took me a moment to realize I was buck naked. “Jen, what happened? Are you ok?” I wasn’t sure if he was referring to the marks on my body or the fact that I had just fainted.
“I, um, I guess it’s a good thing you left the door open. I think I fainted.”
“Yeah, I think you did too. But I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about…” and then his eyes drifted down to my body. I reflexively tried to hug myself out of shame. “Shhh, shhh, it’s ok, it’s not your fault sweetheart, it’s not your fault.” He cooed and stroked my hair as he, respectfully, kept his eyes on mine. “I’m going to pick you up, Jen, and I’m going to carry you to the tub. I’ve already seen you, so there’s nothing to try to hide, ok?” and he was right. What difference would it make now. He had already seen me. More than that, so had half a dozen strange men. I nodded and he slid one arm under my upper back and the other under my knees. I put my arms around his neck and he lifted me like I was a feather.
He carried me over to the tub and then slowly lowered me in, getting his arms and rolled up sleeves wet. The water burned a little, but oh, it felt so good. He sat on the tub looking down at me. He looked sad. I knew he was putting pieces together about my body and my state of mind.
“Bill?” I asked softly.
“Yeah, sweetheart?”
“Would you stay here? While I bathe? I’d feel better. And like you said, you’ve already seen everything.” He blushed and nodded.
Then said, “How about I sit over here, so you can have a little bit of privacy. But I’ll be right here, ok?”
God, he was such a good man. How did I go for such a bad one?
For a while, I just closed my eyes and soaked. I imagined the water washing away all the bruises, and it was a nice thought. Until I opened my eyes and was reminded of reality. I told myself that bruises would fade. They wouldn’t be here forever. I picked up the soap and started lathering myself. Thankfully, my holes were no longer sore or tender. I took my time soaping every part of me twice. Then, came the hair. But the minute I reached up behind me, I winced and Bill shot up and came over.
“What is it, Jen?”
I sighed. I was becoming more and more pathetic. “It’s ok, I’m fine. My, um, shoulders, my joints, they’re just still really sore. It just hurts when I lift my arms to wash my hair. Don’t worry, I can do it.” First he has to carry me to the tub, and now it sounds like I’m asking him to wash my hair? I didn’t want him to think I was totally helpless. But before I could reach up again, he was leaning over me to grab the shampoo, pouring a healthy amount into his hands.
“Lean back.” He said, and really there was no point in me arguing. His big strong hands started massaging my scalp and oh God that felt good. Even my scalp had been sore from my hair being pulled this way and that. He slowly, gently kneaded my head, applying pressure to pressure points I never even knew existed. The shampoo smelled like lavender, clean and fresh, and I could tell there was a good lather going.
“You know, if you ever decide to give up agency life, I think you could make it in a hair salon.” I said.
He chuckled, “Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.” He lathered a bit more and said softly, “I’m glad you still have your sense of humor.”
Before I could even think about my response, the words just came out, “I’m just damaged. Not broken.” I don’t think I realized that until I said it. But once I heard the words, I knew it was true. And then Bill had to one up me.
“Well, I still think you’re perfect.” I stilled and thankfully, he broke the moment and said, “Ok, rinse.” I didn’t hesitate to dunk my head back and let all the shampoo was out of my hair. When I came back up he motioned over to the other end of the tub where there was a hand held faucet, “Come over here beautiful. Let me rinse you this way to make sure it’s all out before we put the conditioner on.” I smiled and slid to the other end of the tub and turned around and leaned my head back. He aimed the nozzle at my head and, with his other hand, made sure all of it was out. Then he grabbed the conditioner and lathered me up with that, and we repeated the process. When we were all done he asked, “more tub time or are you turning into a prune?”
“Prune.”
“Ok, we’re going to get out slooowly.” He said as he held out his hands. I grabbed on and pushed up till I was standing. Then slowly put one foot over and then the other till I was on the bath mat. Bill wrapped me in a fluffy towel and led me to the toilet to sit. Then he took the other towel and dried me. I was about to protest, which he obviously sensed because he said, “Until I know you can stand on your own two feet without puking or fainting, I’m not going anywhere. So just keep still till you’re dry.”
“Yes, Sir.” And the minute the words were out of my mouth my stomach dropped. “It’s just a figure of speech, Bill. I don’t mean to imply that you’re my…”
“Jen, I know. It’s ok. I get it. Now stay here while I get a comb.”
He took care of me like I was an invalid. And I guess, to a certain extent, I was. Before we left the bathroom, he held me while I brushed my teeth. God that felt good. Then he walked me to his bed and sat me down. “Wait here. I’m going to get your clothes.” I just nodded. He came back with the bag and dressed me. Actually dressed me.
When he held out the bra I shook my head. “My shoulders are too sore and you’ve already seen the girls anyway. I’ll just take a tshirt if it’s ok with you.” This time his smile wasn’t one of a caretaker, but one of a man. And that made me feel a bit more normal and less pathetic.
“Ok, bath. Check. Clean clothes. Check. Teeth brushed. Check. All right missy, now we’re going to get some food in you and this is not open for discussion. What do you like on your pizza?”
“Just cheese. Or margarita style. Can we also get a chopped salad, no meat?” he was obviously surprised that I actually wanted to eat.
“Margarita pizza and chopped salad, no meat. Coming up.” I listened as he ordered, then he said, “since you’re, um, a little less than mobile right now, we’re going to eat here and watch some mindless action movie. Then you can go to your bed. But until you get food in you, I just don’t want you walking and fainting, ok?”
I nodded. He handed me the remote and then went into the office until the doorbell rang. As I lay there waiting, I realized something huge. This, what Bill was doing, this was taking care of someone, for the sole purpose of care-taking. Not to make sure someone was ok after a ‘scene’ or to play mind games of ‘here’s punishment, but it’s not so bad because it’s followed up with after-care.’ This was just because of genuine caring. It was such an important realization for me I think understanding that might have been one of the ah-ha moments that helped me recover.
We ate and watched some movie with lots of running and special agents and explosions and silly action. I wanted to eat, but after just a few bites, I realized that after going days with nothing, I would, like everything else, have to ease back into normalcy. Once he cleaned everything up I curled up under the covers and dozed off. I woke up when he clicked the TV off.
“Do you want to stay here tonight, Jen? Or do you think you can make it down the hall to your room?” he asked tenderly. I didn’t want to move.
“If it’s ok with you, Bill, I’d like to stay here, with you. Just sleeping though.” I felt I had to be clear about that.
He smiled and nodded, “Jen, I wasn’t implying anything other than sleep.”
“I know, I just, after everything, I just need to speak up for myself, I think.”
He smiled again and said, “I’m glad to hear that. Now, you should know, I’ve been told I snore, but I think those are just exes out to smear my reputation.” He said and winked.
