Decca, p.101
Decca, page 101
E the G122 tells me she is indeed writing a memoir of Tante Femme—whether for publication or privately printed, she didn’t say.
I do rather hope it’s for publication—it cld be a super interesting curiosity of literature. What do you think? Well it’ll be up to Emma to decide. I shall urge her to send it out to publishers, such as they are in these forlorn days of publishing. I mean—can’t you see it as the sort of thing that wld fascinate people who are all too bored with bios of film stars, rock & roll types, and even the average Mitford sister? Do you remember a thing years ago in Private Eye called “I, Doreen, Memoirs of the Unknown Mitford Sister”?
After Woman died … I kept thinking of all the dead people I’ve known beginning, obviously, with people like Nanny, Muv and my own dead children. Also Hen do you remember as children: “She’s dead. She’s expired. She’s too neriogely put out her tongue, she’s (etc). I must make her alive again. How shall I do that? I must prod, I must poke.” I don’t think I’ve remembered that for 60 years. But it doesn’t work, alas, in real life.
Anyway, for you the loss of Woman must be incredibly awful. For me—obviously far less so, as we so seldom saw each other & also barely wrote letters to & fro. I did get v. fond of her in late years, but absolutely nothing like your v. long-standing & v. close symbiotic relationship—in which she was a familiar in your house & you in hers. … I barely knew her as a child, and only fleetingly in the last many decades; but I did (even dimly) note her amazing qualities, which Emma described so vividly.
Yr loving Hen
To the Duchess of Devonshire
Oakland
June 24, 1994
Dearest Hen,
… I’ve wondered about Woman not having any children. Was there any reason that you know of? I suppose she’d have made a super mum, esp. in view of the reviews of Emma & others of that generation, how they adored her when they were little. Conversely, Nancy—although she was said to long for children, I rather pity their fate if she’d had any.
I do so sympathize with your point—things reminding you of her, & suddenly realizing that there she isn’t. The exact same thought kept occurring to me when P. Toynbee died, ditto more recently S. Belfrage.123 It really takes ages for the fact they are dead to sink in properly.
Thinking it over, in my case it’s the letters that I miss mostly—which, obviously, comes from living so far away from most dead people I really adored. (Oh for the writing on the env!) …
Much love,
To Virginia (Tilla) Durr
Oakland
August I, 1994
Dearest Tilla,
Just back from L.A., & yrs of July 23 to hand. No—I’ll never disinter the embalmed hatchet on acct. of calling Va Hell Cat. I think that’s perfectly OK (as long as it’s out of her hearing! Which shouldn’t be hard, as she’s getting a bit deaf). We used to call our parents all sorts of cheeky things like TPOF, stood for The Poor Old Female, & for Farve, TPOM. I called him the Old SubHuman. Anyway there’s no comparison, as none of us revered them as you did Cliff—oh, we also called them The Revereds, a splash of irony….
[I am] avid for yr autobiog; it cld be so splendid. Do get at it. Other excellent Red Diaper memoirs are Carl Bernstein’s Loyalties, and Mark Lapin’s Pledge of Allegiance124 —if you haven’t read these, I URGE you to get them out of the library (may be out of print by now?). Here’s an interesting point: the parents of all these, viz. Carl’s, Mark’s, Sally’s,125 all knew each other—and Va knew all of them, too. Here’s another thought: Dink in high school. She changed her spelling to DINKI, craved cashmere sweaters, had ghastly girl friends called Diane & Nancy, although in a v. mixed high school only fraternized with the Diane/Nancy all white kids …finally burst out in college. In fact just writing about all this makes me rather long to spin out an essay about you, Dink, Carl, Mark. But you’ve got to write yours before I can do it properly, so PLEASE get with it. Childhood—teen years—up to about when you were twenty-ish or thereabouts. Just thinking out loud; honestly, the parallels between all of you, children of the 1950’s, are striking….
Much love, Decca
To Constancia Romilly
London
September 18, 1994
Darling Dink & Co.,
… This end, shall just try to report on one event, to wit: filming for Channel 4 upcoming documentary on the British Way of Death.126 The scene, an embalming room in a London mortuary; a fortyish lady embalmer, & me to interview her. She was super good copy, absolutely parroted all the American undertakers’ eternal song of the comfort to the bereaved seeing the loved one as they remembered her or him in life. I said that surely people rarely die in full bloom of health? Also, I told her about the Beautiful Memory Picture, a phrase coined in the 1920s by a P.R. man for the funeral industry. She was marvelous—said “That is indeed a lovely thought.”
Her aim is dignity & compassion. I picked up a lethal-looking tool from her table of scissors etc—a trocar, long with pointed tip. “What’s this for?”; I asked (knowing full well). She explained it’s to remove fluids from the cavities. So—said I—you JAB it in the person’s stomach like THIS” (doing it). “Is that an example of dignity & compassion???”;
Anyway, it was all rather amusing. Lots more along same lines—a casket selection room, all caskets imported from America as there aren’t any casket manufacturers in Britain so far.
So that was my 2 days’ work, for which thanks to Renee I get 2,500 pounds vs 300 originally offered. She is a miracle worker
To the Duchess of Devonshire
Oakland
October 28, 1994
Dearest Hen,
I note that you don’t love FAX as I do, so here goes by post, the Long, Slow, Natural Way (advert here for a laxative). To me, bottle with message thrown into the sea wld do as well. Never mind….
Paris. Thanks to Charlotte/Al,127 we did have a lovely time. First off, they put us into the Hotel Solferino which is smack next door to the Musee d’Orsay. Out of one’s window are those beautiful roofs & mysterious windows—perfect spot, with ONE drawback. No bidet, which I was longing for, broken wrist-wise. Instead, a bath, shower, lav in one’s quarters, just like any American motel/hotel. Someone told us that nowadays all Fr. hotels are like that. Hen, as a super hotelier or hoteliere yourself, do look into this appalling development.
Charlotte’s dinner: There were all sorts of fascinators whose names I didn’t get (does that happen to you, Hen? It’s so awful, and if I ever set eyes on em again I’d never recognize). After dinner, Cha & I closetted ourselves with her showing me the banned by you bits of Nancy’s letters;128 some v. catty items about me & Bob, many more about the royal family. You shouldn’t have done that, Hen. The whole point of letters is to reveal the writer & her various opinions & let the chips fall where they may. Censoring them for fear of offending the subjects is in my view absolutely wrong….
Back to real life: wrist cast off in a wickertoo….
Yr loving old Hen
To the Duchess of Devonshire
Oakland
December 23, 1994
Dearest Hen,
Thanks awfully for yrs of 14 December, about amazing wknd with prince & senator. Isn’t Teddy K. a super-pig in all ways, imagine leaving that wretched girl to drown129 —also he’s a disaster as senator, mainly because he doesn’t dare open his trap for fear opponents will bring all that up. What’s the P. of W.130 like in real life? Doesn’t sound like much of a prize from interminable newspaper accounts….
Enclosed is in lieu of Xmas card (too late anyway). The occasion was part of the S.F. Book Fair at which various writers had to do acts—mine is a Beatles song of yesteryear Hen—I bet you missed Woman like anything at Xmas. Oh dear I DO wish people wouldn’t keep dying. Happens all the time here, too.
Ankle:131 went to Dr. yesterday; not too encouraging. “Healing nicely” and all that, but he says another month before I can stand on it & a YEAR before I’ll be able to walk properly
A spin-off of ankle—this is EYES ONLY, don’t tell anyone else. But I thought you might be innarested…. As both wrist & ankle132 were prob. due to being more than tiddly at the time, I’ve gone on wagon. This has been urged by Drs. for years, on acct. of liver, & they are horrified when I admit to lots of delicious vodka starting in the morning. But not being too interested in liver, I paid no attention. What decided me was the trouble I’ve caused Dinky and Bob, terribly tiresome for them having to scram about looking after me. So the Dr here urged one of those drying-out places… or at the very least, Alcoholics Anonymous or equiv. group. I declined all that as I know I wouldn’t be any good at it—all that appalling Frank Talk etc. So I just decided to completely stop, nary a drop of anything, even wine at dinner. Amazingly, it’s working perfectly well; I’ve had naught for 4 weeks & to my surprise, don’t even miss it. Known as Cold Turkey. The Dr. feared I’d get delirium tremens, but not a sign of it. Dink was afraid that after all the post-ankle excitement I’d start craving but I don’t think I will. I’ve got all sorts of work coming up, mainly am going to write a long Afterword for American Way of Death, which has been out of print here for about a year; had lunch with Bob Gottlieb (original editor of it) and he was v. enthusiastic about the idea, will bring it out as a paperback. Also, I was spurred on by the incredible amt of research done by the makers of “Over My Dead Body,” all that about the Service Corp. International which is taking over funeral parlours from Australia to England & already has 9 percent of the U.S. trade. Anyway, that’s what I shall be doing beginning mid-Jan, & I’ve found a v. promising researcher (a young journalist who is v. keen to help; and Bob will also help direct the whole enterprise)….
Various treats are coming up, such as Dink/Terry are coming to stay in Feb for her Birthday, 54, hardly credible; and in April, Bob & I will go to Washington with Dink/Terry to have a good close look at the life of Oy #1, now working in the Public Defender’s office there.133 …
[W]ill close with much love. Henderson
To the Duchess of Devonshire
Oakland
January 12, 1995
Dearest Hen,
It WAS good of you to ring up t’other day, & now yr letter of 2 Jan arrived (yesterday, so took 9 days). Re Topic A (for Alcohol, Abstinence … etc): I do know all about Antabuse; but for many reasons, am not sold on it. Mainly, it seems rather pointless; if you KNOW it makes you horribly ill, why bother, if you see what I mean. Oddly, 9:30 a.m. is just when I do rather crave a drink—that is, I used to rely on it for sticky moments when writing, or when having to make a difficult phone call—e.g. to an adversary, such as a funeral director or gov’t official in the course of research. But actually I really have stopped craving except for odd moments now & then, when I find that concentrating on something else (such as work one is doing) helps no end. But Hen I’m extremely grateful to ye for bothering about it. You know how it is—only v. few that one is inclined to confide in, such as you, Dink, Bob. The latter have been simply marvellous in all ways re busted ankle (and non-drinking), such as Dink coming out here, & Bob has rigged up an intercom, means I can now summon him from downstairs hosp. bed if needed in the night. …
Much Love, Henderson
To Molly Ivins134 Oakland
January 18, 1995
Dear Molly,
We met ages ago … but I feel I know you VERY well as a fervent admirer of yr smashing columns, plus collections of same, which I cherish.
At the moment, I’m embarked on an Afterword for a new edition of The American Way of Death, published in 1963. My effort is to update this now ancient book & describe the many new developments over the past 32 years. …
SCI is easily the juiciest. It first reared its ugly head in the 1970’s; today, owns more than 9 percent of all U.S. funeral homes plus scores of cemeteries and—wait for it—flower shops. It is now acquiring hundreds of mortuaries-cemeteries-flower shops in Britain & Australia. The brains behind this malodorous enterprise is one Robert L. Waltrip, chairman of the company, & founder. Needless to say, I yearn to interview him. My hope is to come to Houston with v. excellent research assistant135 & have a good look at the whole operation. There is also a Funeral Service Museum, a mortuary training center, plus headquarters of SCI, all in one vast complex in Houston. The museum has been written up in the Washington Post & other papers—it opened in October 1992.136
Now to the point. I’m wondering if you could put me in touch with some bright journalist, preferably in or near Houston, who might be inclined to a) write an article about SCI, the museum, the whole business. I could supply lots of background info. if you can find a live one to work with; b) furnish me with a bibliography & copies of anything that may have appeared in the Texas press about SCI; c) iff/when I do actually visit the SCI h.q., act as what politicians call an Advance Man (or Person?) to line up interviews with Mr. Waltrip and any other likely sources of info, including funeral directors who are part of his scheme and others who have resisted it. This, I know, sounds a bit vague. It should get less so as I get on with research from this end, & have a clearer idea of goals.
I should be most deeply grateful for any ideas you may have.
Longing to hear from you,
Fond regards, Decca (alias Jessica Mitford)
To the Duchess of Devonshire
Oakland
February 27, 1995
Dearest Hen,
Enclosed a better version of Maxwell’s Silver Hammer, PLUS Grace Darling.137 expect you’ll complain that I sang it out of tune or something? Wish you’d been here so it cld have been a Honnish Duet. Anyway, do note all the ridic. hoop-la in local papers….
I long for a splash of news….
This end: I’m now almost totally OK. Just in the last 2 or 3 days, I can walk upstairs hence sleep in my own bed and best of all have a bath. Naught but horrid sponge baths for 3 months. Also can walk about a mile or so (with someone), & have been out to dinner/movies. No booze since 22 November, so that’s all over for good….
Tomorrow, treat of all time, editor of Mortuary Management is coming here for an interview!! My old prime antagonist, au. of many a livid editorial blasting me & my book. He calls me “Jessica” tout court138 in his articles, makes me feel FAMOUS like Zsa Zsa or Adlai, no further I.D. needed. … Well Hen do write. H. Birthday 31 March.
Much love, Henderson
To Christopher Cerf139 Oakland
May 3, 1995
Dear Chris,
Thanks a trillion for one of the absolutely best & in all ways most smashing parties of a VERY long life.
The whole thing was thrilling beyond wildest dreams. A wonderful mix of people….
Isn’t Kathi Goldmark one of the most remarkable humans ever seen? I still can’t figure out how she got all that going—I mean the Decca & Dectones caper.
In the midst of songfest chez vous, Bob Gottlieb in loud stage whisper to Bob Treuhaft “But can’t you stop her?”; Later, to me: “My dear, in all the years that I’ve attended every sort of musical event, never, ever have I heard anything quite so a-tonal, so lacking in the rudiments of rhythm, so out of tune as your performance.” Good for my character, I guess.
Here’s a small token—one of the three surviving copies of Lifeitselfmanship, assembled on our dining-room table in 1956. I still remember the bother of all that stapling. But for 50 cents a copy it was worth it, in those pre-inflation days. We ended up selling about 1,000 of them. …
Much love and MANY THANKS, Decca
To Jane Lawson Bavelas140 Oakland
August 30, 1995
Dear Jane,
Re Barb Kahn, I’ve been thinking back to our conversation, also had a long chat with Kathy141 about same….
Kathy says that this depression has been going on as long as she can remember. Not quite my view, I’d have to say for about 20 years, K. thinks it’s become such a total way of life that B. wouldn’t/couldn’t give it up at this late stage….
It’s such a shame, as Barb is such a bright, interesting, good companyish type when in a good mood. It’s so ghastly to think of how someone so depressed must suffer a good bit of the time.
In a way, I might pinpoint the onset (which was gradual) about the time in the late 1950’s-early 60’s when people roughly my age, that is between 70 and 80, mostly began thinking of new careers, esp. those who like me & most of my friends had parted company with the Communist Party, which had been until then an all-absorbing interest. I don’t know whether you know any of these, but a few examples: Marge Frantz got a PhD and is now a marvellous teacher at U.C. Santa Cruz. Eva Maas (formerly Lapin) became a social worker; is now retired from that, and attends numerous adult education things & has become the world’s leading expert on CHARLES DICKENS of all things! Loads more examples, but you get the idea; people on edge of middle-age, 40 to 50, children growing up, went ahead with new interesting projects. Barb didn’t. She never got a job, or took up any particular studies; did desultory volunteer work—I simply can’t see what they DO at Physicians for Soc. Resp.—and so began to sink into a sort of permanent boredom with life. Do you think that analysis is at all on target? …
I do long for YOUR views of all this, and specially any ideas of how one could even begin to discuss it with Barb….
Decca
To the Duchess of Devonshire
Oakland
September 13, 1995
Dearest Hen,
…Thanks awfully for cutting re catacombs, that’s REALLY USEFUL so do keep it up. I’m now going page-by-page over old edition of Amer. Way of Death, noting every single line that needs revision—starting with “Acknowledgments.” In that, I’d put “My sisters Nancy & Deborah contributed a certain amount of misinformation.” Can’t remember what yours was.… [I]n the updated bk, you’ll be in the Acks doubled in spades.
Benj: campaign has been huge success, pianos & money rolling in, & lots more in the papers about it. He’ll be off soon to Cuba with the pianos (in his briefcase? Who knows) and Bob’s going along! Date not yet certain, they shld know later this week. Other tuners are longing to go, so I guess it’ll be a large party.
