Decca, p.85
Decca, page 85
Oakland
November 4, 1983
Dearest Bites,
Lovely to hear yr snappish tones on telephone this a.m., esp as you liked ye foreword….
Anyway, just to show I haven’t gone totally sugary round the knees here’s some correspondence with my nephew Jonathan Guinness. I was in a fairly venomous mood in London what with bad news this end etc, so was glad to take it out on him.
To clue you in: Jonathan is my sis. Diana’s eldest son, born when I was 12, hence now in mid-fifties. I last set eyes on him when he was five & I was seventeen; but have followed him in the press. He’s a [former chairman] of the Monday Club (far-right Tory society like John Birch Soc. here).
According to Debo, they got a 40,000 POUNDS advance from Hamish Hamilton.
Do you happen to know—or could you find out—if their ill-begotten book is taken by an American publisher?
Also, from a legal point of view does my refusal to be quoted (in my letter to him) hold water? Note that I put “cc Deb. Rogers, Lit Agent” hoping to throw fear of God into him. Accd’g to Polly Toynbee the fair use rules of copyright material are FAR stricter in England than here.
Note also that I signed off “Yours etc.,” used by U English to persons of the middle or lower classes (bank managers, doctors & the like) instead of “Love from,” usual in families.
So—this is just to say LOVE FROM Decca
To Edward Pattillo54 Oakland
November 10, 1983
Dearest Eddie:
…[W]hen I was in London …I did go down to Brayfield for the day…. Robin was in tearing good sprits, had made the MOST magnificent lunch of many courses although she’s crippled & a bit blind still. So we spent the day shrieking with laughter. Can’t remember if I told you about this, but here goes anyway. It was just family: my stupid sister Pam (called Woman in family circles) & 1st cous. Rosemary Mitford (now Bailey) & Michael. We got talking about nursing homes (for Ann). Woman said she knows a v. good one in Cirencester, where she visits an ancient dame in late nineties. “You know who I mean, Steake” (she calls me Steake), “sister of that famous woman writer.” So I said I couldn’t place her right off as there’ve been several famous woman writers down the ages …”Steake, the one who wrote very bad short stories.” Further questioning developed that it was KATHERINE MANSFIELD!!! One of my favorite writers. Next Womanism: conversation turned to Polly Toynbee, with whom I was staying, & her mother Anne Wollheim. Woman: “Oh, she died.” Me: “Really? It must have been in the middle of the night, as I had dinner with her last evening.” Woman: “She’s the widow of that famous man writer.” Me: “Well—there’ve been quite a few of those …” and I named some, such as Shakespeare, Milton & so on. Woman: “Oh I’ve got it all muddled again.” Turns out she meant Sonia Orwell, widow of George O. …
Ann’s letters re Nursing Home-search are SO good & often SO funny. One of those she saw informed her that inmates should “not attempt to buck the system.” I wrote back to Ann to say THAT’S the one I want to check into—except that I’d end up in the loony ward, tied hand & foot, for bucking the system….
Much love Decca
To Virginia Durr
Oakland
November 30, 1983
Dearest Va,
I DID so love having a word with you this morning. But somehow I always feel v. inept as a comforter— & will try to explain:
First off, I do absolutely know about DEPRESSION, as so many people I love have suffered from it. The way I visualize it is something like the blues accompanying menstrual periods (such ages ago! But I dimly remember) multiplied by a thousand times. Hence, only dimly perceived by somebody who hasn’t ever had a real DEPRESSION. Once years & years ago, when I was having Change of Life (Menopause) I did get v. edgy, felt nervous etc.—but still, nothing like clinical depression.55
Second off, I know far more about grief & unhappiness, having experienced both many times in my long life. But that’s different because it is caused by actual things happening (in my case, death of E’s & my Baby, death of E, death of Nicholas) and so one goes through v. great agony, but it is of a different kind, somehow, from what the psychiatrists & doctors call depression. Hence, easier to overcome with time—I don’t mean to say the beastly sorrow ever goes away (it doesn’t), but it does fade, or recede, & one lives on and plunges into causes & other interesting things.
Well—as you can imagine, life with Bob has been (is) v. rewarding & fascinating; the whole Dink scene, a constant source of life-giving interest; ditto, Benj—now he’s totally recovered from HIS dread malady called manic depression, lasted from approx. age 28 to 34 in his case. Now vanished thank goodness….
Philip Toynbee had assaulting depressions in his last years. I haven’t put much about that in my book—enough to clue the reader, though…. [H]is family all say that he was hooked on innumerable kinds of pills & drugs. That wasn’t his undoing, though. Cancer was.
Va—sorry for this EXTREMELY un-cheering letter. I did want to somehow confide a few thoughts. I’m sure that far wiser people such as Dinky (to me, fount of all medical/psychiatric wisdom) & yr daughters will have far more intelligent thoughts re all the above. I just wanted to set down my own ideas, worthless though they may be.
To Constancia Romilly
Oakland
December 21, 1983
Chickie—OH you were interesting about that whole Va scene. Am practising the look of intense interest concealing actual fading away from boredom….
You said crisis of old age. Well we know about crisis of adolescence, ditto of middle life. One would have hoped that by OLD age one might sink into a pleasant fog—or bog— & turn into a Gay Old Stick or a Kind Old Thing. (Nancy & I used to ponder these alternatives. She, of course, plumped for Gay Old Stick. I am rapidly becoming a Kind Old Thing—OR AM I??? Time will tell.)…
What seems (from this distance) to have happened in Va’s case is a huge intensification of all the least desirable characteristics like her general Queen-Bee-ishness—amusing & charming in the past, now getting v. out of hand. This is merely a composite impression….
Much love to all, Decca
To Virginia (Tilla) Durr
Oakland
March 6, 1984
Darling Tilla,
… [O]f course you are right in thinking that my account of life in Seminary Hill was but the tip of the iceberg of my actual thoughts about it.56 …
I thought Va was fascinating, & I totally applauded her involvement in politics; she seemed to have masses of servants to look after the house & children, so that was OK as far as I could see. I loved Cliff, but still to me Va was the real fascinator in the family.
But now, even after 44 years, all of you are still something of a mystery to me. Dipping in to yr family (as I did, for example, last New Years…) is still a bit like walking through a mined field, never knowing what deep explosives may be concealed beneath the surface.57 Perhaps I’m just unusually thickheaded, obtuse, insensitive to nuances. Who knows.
One thing I cld never fathom is the attitude towards MONEY, which may be the root—or one of the roots—of all evil. Having myself fluctuated from time to time from VERY POOR to quite well-off, I never gave it much of a thought; when poor, I reduced my standard of living accordingly (didn’t buy things, or have a car); when better off, spent all I had—taxis, once a great luxury; presents etc. Can’t you more or less accommodate to fluctuating income? …
I can see that I’m being horribly censorious—sorry
I’m afraid I was a rather rotten mother to Dink & Benj, as I was totally preoccupied with CP politics when they were growing up; so while I was v. fond of them, I didn’t pay too much attention to them when they were little.
But they seem to have turned out quite well?
Much love darling Tilla. Keep writing; one day your book will all come together, I’m sure, as you have real talent….
Decca
To Polly Toynbee
Oakland
March 7, 1984
Dearest Poll,
A letter from you! How amazing, almost worth having a stroke58 (but not quite). Also thanks SO much for ringing up. I guess the main beneficiary of the whole episode was the phone company; even Debo rang, unheard of.
I’m far better— & beginning to feel an awful fool (& fraud) for causing all that uproar. It was rather creepy for a bit: hand not working, ditto foot. I couldn’t type for a wickertoo, which was v. frustrating, absolutely OK now as you can see. … J. Steele59 was a total lifesaver, never saw such saintly kindness; he changed his plans to take me through dread Miami airport….
Adopted children: After Esmond was killed some friends of Va Durr’s (Senator & Mrs. Claude Pepper of Florida) went to see Va & said that obviously I shouldn’t be able to bring up Dinky (as I was too poor), so they offered to pay $5,000 to adopt her. I was rather cross, & told Va that English people are on the whole unaccustomed to selling their children—forbearing to mention that I thought the price a bit low. Now, if they’d offered ten thou…. Am looking to hear about yr book so do enlarge.
FACES OF PHILIP: proofs have loomed…. As for its likely reception—I suppose that despite all efforts it will end up by displeasing everyone. But do tell yr Mum that it’s a bit late in the day to have 2nd thoughts abt loopy aunts’ poss. reaction. Oh well never mind, at least it’s off me back. I suppose it was a silly idea from the beginning, & I sort of got hooked into it.60
Much love to all of you. Large hugs to nippers, who if misbehaved will NEVER BE REPROVED by their loving old friend
Decca
To Constancia Romilly and family
Oakland
April 3, 1984
Dearest Atlanta Loved Ones:
First off—TERRY, thanks SO much for a) informative letter & b) smashing photo of Dinky. Should like to have that blown up for a wall-sized poster. How about that—for my next Birthday present?
Second off, oh Jamie how I FEEL for you, waiting for dread April 18. I say—won’t it be amusing if you’re not accepted ANYWHERE for college after all this sturm & drang? No, not really….
Now, James, how about coming to London with us when we go—roots-wise?61 We’d pay for yr passage & all expenses whilst there. Might be rather fun, also a lovely moment of total pleasure? Please let me know PRONTO, I’ve already written to London folks (principally Sally Belfrage) to see if a house or flat can be arranged to accommodate you, Grandbob and & me. So do let me know v. soon if you would like that arrangement. Here’s the way I see it: a) you’d be totally on yr own as far as what you want to do/see/ explore. b) We’d take you everywhere with us—IF of interest to you, but not if not. E.g.: our London chums … and selected relations of mine….
If I believed in God, I’d be praying for you to get into the college of yr choice. Last time I prayed was when I was about five, & it went like this: “God bless mother & father, brother & sisters & Nannie, and make Decca a good girl, amen.” Well??!! He didn’t do ANY of that, so I soon gave up.
Chaka: I hear wondrous things… about YOU; how v. amusing you are (well, you always were) so as soon as you get through high school, will YOU come to England with old Grandec/Grandbob, as per above suggestion to James?
Much love to all…. Decca
To Claudia Williams62 Oakland
April 13, 1984
Dearest Claudia, You suggested keeping a nonsmoker’s journal63 —but I’d rather do it in form of a letter to you.
To be precise, it is now 9 a.m. (I get up approx. 6 a.m.) & I am deeply unhappy. I did play our tape ist thing this a.m.; also took a BANTRON pill.64
As today is—or should be—one of the least distressful moments I ever yet have seen (paraphrase of WEARING OF GREEN), I thought all would be v. simple: just don’t smoke, period. You’ve got absolutely nothing to do (I told myself) except mosey along to the hairdresser at 4 p.m.
So, what have I done since 6 a.m.?
i) tape, Bantron pill, coffee, read paper.
2) Jitter about the house. Write a few letters.
4)65 Think over our session. The point is that I did that, replayed our tape. While I do think yr general approach is excellent, I’m not sure it fits all types. It presupposes an overriding interest in being healthy—never, alas, much of a preoccupation of mine. A secret fear is, in fact, going through all the trouble of giving up smoking—and going down in a FLAMING AIRCRASH!! My last thoughts: “Oh hell, I could have been smoking all this time …”
Think back, then, to the bit on our tape when you suggest that I should visualize a lovely country or woodsy scene, from childhood, invented, what you will. A very good idea, I’ll warrant, for most people. Somehow doesn’t quite work for me; I loathe the country. Pleasurable times, for me, are usually doing things with people. Never mind.
Noon, April 13: I got out my Income Tax records, planning to do it. Haven’t, so far. Lay down instead for a wee nap.
However, it’s now 24 hours since the last cig. Claudia says physical need disappears in 72 hours. What’s 72 minus 24? Hopeless.
i p.m., April 13: No progress on Income Tax (records still spread out on table). Luckily some friends came round (avoid loneliness & boredom, you said on the tape)…. Chatted about last night’s program…. Subject came round to non-smokers; all deeply supportive—“How brave! How good”—all that sort of thing. Was longing for a puff after they left. But no. Something rather awful about that “brave-good” business….66
To various friends
Oakland
April 20, 1984
Hypnosis Report: 15 April, 1984 (three days after the event, hypnosis being on 12 April).
Background: Claudia Williams, a great friend of ours since circa 1943 when we first came to Calif, has become a Hypnotist. She has cured many of smoking, drinking etc—even of failing to pass Calif. bar exam due to fear of exams. So when I decided I simply MUST give up, I enlisted her services. She said that in order for it to work, one must be “highly motivated” (U.S. expression meaning that you very much want to do something).
Method: Claudia came over, we had a delightful chat & lunch, then started hypnosis. Her method is to make a tape of the hypnosis session which the subject (me) is to play twice a day, as ‘twere self-hypnosis. I’ve been doing the that. She also suggested that I should keep a journal of giving up smoking; I’m doing that, too.
Hypnosis session: I know a bit about hypnosis from Bob; seeing it done as an act on QE II; Michael Barnes’s research etc. So the actual session was v. predictable. Started with Claudia telling me to get comfortable …relax … lots of that, muscle by muscle. Then concentration on your body, yr inner self. Imagine you are in some lovely country or woodsy place—could be a real place from childhood or even an imaginary place. (etc.). Then of course comes the crunch: “Smoking is a poison in my body …I owe my body respect…” etc, which one is to repeat. And all very true.
I’m sure Claudia’s technique is absolutely right for 99.9 percent of people….
I am wondering if a different series of suggestions by hypnosis might work better for some people (like me). Example: Instead of imagining a lovely country scene, imagine the Salvador Death Squads are after you!! They’ve already captured Bob, Dink, Benj etc & are torturing them. Now they’ve got you surrounded. Want a cig? Don’t be silly, at a time like this. That way it would be the opposite of relaxing, thinking about one’s health, respect for one’s body etc—no, it would be TENSION all the way.
Later: 20 April, 1984. (EIGHT days after stopping cigs). Am still a soul in agony—unable to settle to anything, no respite in sight. I’m only really happy when I’m asleep (which is lots of the time). Otherwise, more like a mortally wounded animal seeking its lair. Have done NO work—haven’t even answered many letters … I am told that this condition lasts from 2 weeks to 6 years…. Oh for the Death Squads, to put one out of one’s misery …
To Chaka Forman
Oakland
April 21, 1984
Darling Chaklington,
Somehow I feel v. out of touch with you—although Dink has told various bits of news, such as you in the ORATOR’S CONTEST—sounds v. excellent, & how you are choking down ALGEBRA.
(OK, so what does this mean? Asquared minus Bsquared equals A squared minus 2 AB plus B squared. Ask yr TUTOR. It’s the only bit of algebra I know; but nobody explained WHY.)
Dink says you got SUPER GRADES this time, clever fellow.
All the whizzing back-&-forth excitement has been re James (or Jams, as I now call him)—college-bound, coming with us to England etc.
So you seem to be a bit left out—of current PLANS, that is, but not from Grandec’s HEART (if she has one, which some doubt).
I thought I’d send you the enclosed TOKEN OF MY ESTEEM, which is to be used purely for pleasure & NOT for any Worthy Purpose. So don’t let Dink get her hands on it for some future college fund, or sturdy clothing….
When do YOU plan to graduate from high school, approx? Shall we spin away to England? And/or France, Spain etc? Can you speak Spanish? If so, you can be the interpreter. But do hurry up—Grandec can’t last forever. Having given up smoking I DREAM of a flaming airplane wreck—or being done in by Salvadoran Death Squads—anything to put me out of my misery.
Fondest love, dearest Oy #2. Grandec
To Nell Painter67 Oakland
May 12, 1984
Dear Nell,
…A Jesse Jackson68 anecdote: A few weeks ago Bob & I were up at the amazing pad of a fellow English emigre (David Pleydell-Bouverie) who manages to assemble all sorts of unlikely people. So amongst the company was one of those dread SOCIALITES, name of Nan Kempner—one sees her name in society column all the time. Conversation turned to politics, & I happened to mention that I was endorser of Jesse Jackson’s Calif. campaign. Nan: Well I suppose he’s thrilled to have any white support. Me: I don’t know what you mean by that. Nan: The way those people breed, they’ll rule the country anyway by the turn of the century. Me: (in my MOST lah-di-dah English accent): I don’t know what you know about breeding, perhaps not much. I, however, know a lot about it as my father was one of 9 children, and I was one of seven. Nan: But these black families are all illegitimate, single mothers who don’t even know the names of their children’s fathers. Me: Ah! It’s a wise child that knows his own father in the best of societies. Illegitimacy was RIFE in our background. Descended from a mistress of Charles II, and so it goes…
