Break my shell, p.15
Break My Shell, page 15
“You okay?” Max stroked his back and watched him with so much tenderness and attention Dayton’s heart melted.
He leaned into the touch and slowly curved his hands around Max’s fingers. He was grateful for his strength and presence. If he’d had to deal with this alone, he had no idea what would have happened. He’d probably have just driven off, going for as long as the gas would have taken him. And then... there would have been no plan beyond that.
“I don’t know.”
Max sighed, but couldn’t even hug Dayton since he was driving. “You’ll get through it. It’s them who should be ashamed for doing this. Where do you want me to go next?”
Greg might be at fault, but it was Dayton who wished to be far away from here already. He had to deal with the fallout, and since he’d sunk so low already, he might as well take it even further. “Take the next turn right. By that red Jeep,” he said, pointing at the car parked on the corner.
When Max did as he was told, Dayton’s heart thudded, and his chest collapsed deeper into itself the closer they were to the pleasant house at the end of the street. It hadn’t changed much since he’d last been here, but the wooden fence was now yellow instead of white, and the tree that used to have a swing attached to one of its low-hanging branches did not seem to be used for that purpose anymore.
“Where are we going?” Max glanced at Dayton, and despite knowing the answer, it was difficult for Dayton to choke out at first.
He licked his lips, sinking deeper into the seat as he looked at the poster nailed to the front gate. “My parents’.”
“Oh.” Max licked his lips. “You want me to go instead? I can handle it.”
Dayton shook his head and placed his hand on the door handle, gathering the strength to move. Searching for any sign of movement in the windows still decorated with the most perfect-looking flowers he eventually stepped outside. His legs felt stiff, as if his knees locked in place from the stress of it, but he zipped his hoodie all the way up and went for the gate, scanning the lawn beyond it for any traces of paper.
Judging by the car door being shut behind him, Max must have gotten out as well, but Dayton didn’t hear any footsteps. And yet, just knowing Max was there, respecting Dayton’s decision but still looking out for him, made Dayton’s heart slightly lighter. Only slightly though.
His face was burning, and his gaze inevitably strayed to the tidy houses around them, looking for an unwanted presence at the porch or in one of the windows. The poster was right there, for everyone to see, and yet he could not bring himself to reach out for it and let the image taint his skin. There was no going back from this. Never again would his neighbors see him the way they always had.
The front door of his former house screeched, and Mother walked out in all her pastel glory. Her bleached hair seemed brighter than he remembered, her frame skinnier yet somehow more imposing.
“What do you think you’re doing here?” she hissed and started walking Dayton’s way with a piece of paper in her hand, and Dayton wouldn’t have to unfold it to know what it was. He was sick to his stomach.
His fingers barely unfolded to grab the poster pinned to the gate, and he stuck it deep into his pocket, spooked by her impending presence.
Her face hadn’t changed a bit, as if she’d been frozen in time the moment he passed the threshold of her house for the last time.
“I asked you a question, Dayton. Did you come to taunt us with more of these?” She waved the poster in the air. “You should be ashamed of yourself!”
“It wasn’t me,” he said softly, unable to look away from her despite the harsh words. This was the first time he heard her voice in years. The same voice that had read him bedtime stories when he was still a little boy.
Her cold glare stabbed right into his heart. “I know it’s you. I was the one to find you like this—It’s disgusting.” Her cheeks were flushing, her fingers trembling, and Dayton couldn’t help but feel guilty despite knowing that it wasn’t his fault, that it was she who should have listened when he had tried to explain himself all those years ago. And that it was Greg and his friends who should be ashamed for hurting him and even now taunting him with the memory of that day.
“I did not distribute them,” he tried, hoping she would believe at least that. “I couldn’t have made that photo. You must see that,” he said, surprised he wasn’t terrified of seeing her anymore. Despite her youthful appearance, she was still weaker and smaller than him and couldn’t physically hurt him. And with her having seen the poster already, his fear evaporated, replaced by a dull sense of pain. She couldn’t even throw him out anymore, because she’d already done that. And yet here he was, surviving.
“Who’s that?” she snapped when her hawk-like gaze drifted to Max, who stood behind the car.
Dayton did not expect that question, as dumb as it was. Of course she would ask about any man who was around Dayton, because gay men were not very picky in her eyes. Dayton wanted to look back at Max, and then confront Mother with his gaze, but his resolve was gone the moment she approached the fence, and he looked at the polished number plate on the gate. “It’s Max.”
Mother seemed more agitated by the second, and he didn’t know if she was shivering from the cold or helpless fury. She must have also begun to understand that she no longer held any power over the son she’d washed her hands of years ago.
“What is this?” she hissed. “Why did you come here to taunt me? I can only hope the neighbors haven’t seen this!” she crumpled the poster in her hand.
“Taunt you?” asked Dayton, clenching his teeth. “You give yourself too much credit. I don’t think of you at all,” he lied, not wanting to show her just how much her rejection still hurt.
She lifted her chin and threw the ball of paper at him. “Take it then, and go away. Go and continue doing whatever disgusting things you do with that man.”
Dayton flinched, but his fists balled when he thought of Max listening to it all and watching him just take this kind of abuse. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I’ve seen it with my very eyes on that filthy poster!”
She thought of herself as a victim, of course. The whole world was out there to get her and her holy, immovable values that were worth shit if she had had no qualms about breaking apart their family over them. “I was attacked, and you didn’t care. You never wanted to listen to what happened. I’m your son, not an action figure that you can toss into the corner once the arm falls off!”
She took a step back and pursed her lips. “We are done here,” she said and turned around, but Dayton couldn’t shake the feeling that he’d just managed to convey his own pain to her for the first time.
He opened the gate without thinking and followed her. “Maybe you should finally grow up. I now know that you see nothing beyond the tip of your nose,” he said breathlessly. Being abandoned by his parents when he’d needed them the most hurt as if he were about to die, but somehow speaking to her now was a filter of clarity he’d lacked all this time. Max was right. Nothing of this had been his fault. It had been her responsibility to help him, and she’d failed.
She looked at him over her shoulder but kept walking. “I saw very clearly what happened, and you didn’t deny your inclinations. You didn’t deny them back then, and now you have the audacity to come here with… that man!”
“I love that man. And he loves me more than you ever loved me. You’re so cold-hearted you could be the Snow Queen herself,” hissed Dayton, flushed and nervous, and yet anger pushed him after her, all the way to the porch.
“Leave, or I’ll call the police!” Her voice morphed in to a high-pitched tone, and despite the threat, Dayton somehow felt as if he’d just chased away the Wicked Witch of the West.
“Really? What are you going to tell them?” he asked but didn’t walk up the steps leading to the door.
She gave him a hesitant glance, already opening the door. “That you’re harassing me!” Her voice trembled as if she were the victim here, and in a way, she was. A victim of her own small-mindedness, and her small heart.
Dayton clenched his jaw, watching her while his heart drummed. “I hope to never see you again,” he said in the end and rushed back to the car, holding his gaze on his feet. It was almost as if looking at Max could trigger a wave of emotion he could not allow himself now.
And yet, Max was there to pull him into a hug, just like he had two hours ago when Dayton had had a panic attack on Kathy’s lawn. It was hard to comprehend what a sturdy presence in Dayton’s life he was. Not because of his large frame and solid muscles, but because of his patience, and the way he was there to protect Dayton even from himself.
“Let’s go,” Dayton whispered, but he raised his chin and pressed a quick kiss to Max’s jaw. He was too overwhelmed by emotion to care if someone saw him do it. Everyone in town had already seen him with a dildo poking at his ass, so he might as well shock them with a public display of affection.
Max nodded, but still took his time to stroke Dayton’s head. “You were very brave out there.” He pulled away and opened the car door. Dayton couldn’t wait to be inside and as far away from this place as possible.
He was done with collecting the photos, which were likely circulating in people’s homes by now anyway. But the moment he sat in his place, it was as if someone had pushed a hole in his skin and let out all the air. He was exhausted, deflated. “I’ve never spoken to her this way.”
Max shook his head. “She deserved it. Those assholes are out to humiliate you and she can’t see that? She doesn’t want to. Let’s go chill out somewhere before we figure out what next. I think you can use the fresh air.
Dayton nodded. “I don’t want to be here anymore. Wherever I go, it feels like people are staring at me. It’s... horrible,” he whispered, glancing at Max. Was that how he had felt when the media descended on him like a flock of vultures?
Max nodded with a deep sigh. “It’s why I like to be out in nature. At an empty beach, in a forest. No one to stare at you, no one to bother you.” He started driving and Dayton didn’t even feel the need to ask him where they were going.
“When exactly did you fall out with your parents?” Dayton asked after a few moments.
Max stalled, taking his time to answer until they drove out of town. “Things had been already tense with my dad after I told him I was gay, but everything collapsed after the… you know, the incident. Dad was the one to encourage me into boxing when I was a kid, Mom always hated the sport, so you can probably imagine home life wasn’t a box of candies. But after that fight, she concluded I was a monster beyond saving. I had to defend myself though… I had to,” he said with conviction, but his voice still got quieter.
Dayton swallowed hard. He would consciously be less selfish from now on. Whatever was still hidden in Max’s past, Dayton wanted to know and have Max’s back when necessary. “I know. I know you had to,“ he said, squeezing Max’s forearm gently in an expression of support. “Your family has no idea.”
Max swallowed. “I have two brothers, and things hadn’t been good between them and me after I came out, but once I was arrested Dad set them against me. Neither of them would even visit me.” He squeezed his hand around Dayton’s.
Dayton swallowed hard, imagining how lonely it must have been for Max. Locked up with actual violent criminals, gay, and facing a life behind bars. It must have been so much worse than being thrown out of his home. “Sometimes, people show their true face at the first sign of trouble. I just wish you hadn’t had to go through it all.”
Max licked his lips. “Would it be cheesy if I said that I wouldn’t have met you then?”
Dayton’s chest clenched in an odd mixture of pain and pleasure, and he stared at Max’s handsome profile. “You really mean that? I bet you’ve had many great boyfriends before we met.”
Max chuckled. “Not really. I was a bit… let’s say my attention was scattered, and I couldn’t keep a guy. And most only wanted to fuck anyway. You gave me this laser focus.”
Dayton swallowed, and his mouth almost opened to once again say he wasn’t all that special, but he didn’t do it in the end. It was not his place to second-guess Max’s feelings. If Max really believed there was something about him that made them a good fit, then Dayton should hold on to that, not constantly self-deprecate until Max saw the supposed error in his judgment. “You know, it is so strange that we met. What were the odds, right?”
Watching the trees as they drove through a colorful autumnal forest was already calming Dayton down, already making him feel like he was leaving his worries behind. He relaxed into the seat, just enjoying the peace of this moment.
Max gave him a crooked smile. “It was different for me, because I always went after a guy I liked. And sure, I kinda did now as well, but for three years I felt like it was you who chose me.”
Dayton licked his lips, enchanted by that idea. Max was right. It was he who’d made the first move. Who actually took their conversation to a different level—that he was not sure of, but he had in fact approached Max. It was the first time in his entire life he’d done that, and thinking of how successful he ended up being made his chest swell with pride.
“I just... really wanted to talk to you.”
Max’s smile widened as he turned into a smaller path in the woods. “It kept me going. To know that there was a guy outside, who could freely go out and date, and have sex with someone, yet still gave me all this time and attention. Sure, I’m hot, but there are hot guys everywhere, and you still chose me.”
“Yes, but none of them are heroes,” said Dayton softly.
“And none of them know all your dirtiest—sorry! I got carried away. And today of all days. So sorry.” Max slapped his forehead.
Dayton sighed, but he did not feel overwhelmed anymore. If this day was teaching him anything, it was that he could take shame head-on. It was a surprising discovery. Confronted with the posters, he’d been hurt because they took him back to a moment that had changed his life, to a moment when he’d been cheated and humiliated. He no longer worried that people would know he was gay, because pretty much everyone knew at this point. “This might sound super weird, but I feel like today has been kind of therapeutic.”
Max raised his eyebrows and drove the car onto a small parking area between the trees. At this time of the year, the picnic tables were deserted, and not a single car was parked.
“Oh? How come?” Max turned to Dayton in his seat once he stopped.
Dayton unbuckled his seatbelt and weighed his words to not wrongly explain something. “You know how people who are afraid of spiders have to hold tarantulas during therapy? Maybe it’s something like this.” He swallowed, glancing into Max’s eyes to see if he understood. “I was so afraid of those pictures leaking that I actually changed how I lived my life. But now they are out, and I am still alive. The world didn’t end.”
Max unbuckled his seatbelt as well and cupped the side of Dayton’s face. “And you have nothing to be ashamed of. You didn’t choose for those photos to be taken. And there’s no shame in the things that turn you on.”
Dayton’s face flushed with heat. He remembered how Max had consoled him with his dick in the cold room at the inn. It was the hottest sexual experience in Dayton’s entire life, and Max would never betray him by telling anyone of it. Dayton did not need to have known him for years to understand that about his lover. His boyfriend. Because they had certainly not broken up yesterday after all. “I know, but I guess... because of the things that Greg did, I find it hard to actually remind myself about it.” He took a deep breath. “It’s... very hard to be vulnerable.”
“So pretty, so vulnerable, without a home now… Who knows what kind of predator is lurking in the shadows?” Max pinned Dayton to the seat with his gaze, stroking Dayton’s cheek with his thumb.
His touch was like a match setting Dayton’s skin on fire, and he stared back, opening his lips to suck in the cool air. His senses awakened to the crisp sounds of the forest around them, but most of all to the firm touch, which radiated strength and confidence despite being so very gentle. Dayton swallowed, unable to take his eyes away from the intense gaze that seemed to focus only on him, as if he were the most interesting person in the whole world. “Is there?”
“Only if you walk into the forest.” Max’s voice got that raspy undertone Dayton knew all too well, and it made the hairs on his forearms bristle.
He licked his lips, still unsure how to act, but his body already understood the message behind Max’s words, and he opened the door on his side of the car. His pulse drummed in his head so loudly he could barely hear himself, but despite his better judgment, he slipped outside and breathed in the earthy breeze.
The sudden slamming of the car door behind him made him jump, but just as he thought Max was getting out as well, the engine fired up again, and Max backed out in the car, sending a cloud of dirt at Dayton’s feet.
Was Dayton ready? A hundred scenarios of where this could lead rushed through his mind, and it gave him a thrill to not know exactly what was about to happen. He watched the car disappear behind the trees nearby, and his whole body heated up quickly despite the chill. But he’d made this step into the forest. He chose to, just like he chose Max.
He should have also chosen a safeword though.
Stranded in the woods, he wasn’t certain how to act at first. He was sure this was all some kind of plan Max had formed in his head, but being alone like this still paralyzed Dayton despite the undercurrent of excitement coursing through his body.
So, he stood in the parking lot, watching the grey clouds pass in the sky, but his eyes were back on the road as soon as he heard the hum of an engine. Moments later, Max approached him in the car.
He slowed down when he reached Dayton and lowered the window. “How much?” came the question along with an inquisitive, hungry gaze. Dayton froze.
