The aureate affairs, p.51
The Aureate Affairs, page 51
But I found I had not a single angry kernel inside me.
I touched my chest, speaking from the heart. “You have always seen me in the most flattering light, Sawyer. You admire my mind, you listen to me, a female, and you have never tried to diminish those from me or silence me when any other man would. How could I be angry that your wish for the kingdom to be in impartial hands, rather than too proud and uncaring to the less fortunate, has swayed you to help Theo choose wisely? I shudder at the thought of one of those horrible girls becoming queen. The country would fall to ruin, to protests and overthrowing of the monarchy, and to have that be Theo’s legacy? I would never wish that sort of torrential tarnish on my worst enemy.”
Sawyer was transfixed.
“Who is your worst enemy?” he asked, and it was an interesting thing for him to want to know. I had several answers, including him being one. But apart from being a Nadir, the greatest fear that haunted me more than Roric was that black abyss of my earliest memories.
“What person or event took my family from me and all of my memories before I was six,” I whispered, lifting my tea to my lips.
His consideration of my feelings, of sensitive topics, had the captain giving pause to inquire more about it.
He touched my back, murmuring, “I’m sorry, Mina. If there is anything I can do to find out what happened…”
I lowered my cup, giving him a bleak smile. “Thank you. There is nothing to find this many years past.”
He bowed his head, ever polite, compassionate. “If anything is found at the orphanage, I shall have it brought here.”
This time, I touched his arm in gratitude. “You are very kind. I do not hold to hope.”
Sawyer’s eyes were heartbreaking.
I returned my hand to my lap, and he cleared his throat, diverting the conversation.
“You answered several questions of mine.” He lifted an eyebrow. “’Tis only fair for you to ask me another.”
I huffed in amusement. “I believe it should be even.”
Sawyer gestured toward me. “I insist.”
Interesting.
I pondered. I wanted to inquire about what I said during my fever, but from what I dreamt and already had inclinations of, it would lead me to ask Sawyer what Theo did when it was not his name I called for. It had to have been dreadfully awkward.
What did I want to ask Sawyer?
“Why are you unmarried?”
I froze. Shit.
Well, that certainly came out of fucking nowhere. I had long contemplated it, but to actually ask him? The fever had really done a number on me.
I glanced at Sawyer and quickly remedied, “Forgive me, that is too personal—”
To my surprise and private delight, he held up a hand. “No, it is quite all right, Mina.” He smiled warmly. “I’m afraid it’s not a very interesting answer. Merely my duties and dedication to the safety of Beville take precedence over my time. And as you have become privy, there has been little in the way of guests residing here, apart from foreign dignitaries, which is infrequent. With the Beau Monde, while I could marry into it with my title, I have never been tempted by the women.”
What a waste of a question, Mina, you git.
“Of course,” I said kindly, feeling embarrassed.
Sawyer took a breath. “Mina, I—”
I looked at him, reading the hesitation. Fuck, was he going to admit his feelings?
“What is it, Sawyer?” I asked gently, seeing that he was uncomfortable.
Okay, so not exactly a romantic inclination to profess his love.
He heaved a sigh and reached into his coat, a shadow falling over him. What the fuck? Sawyer’s expression was very detached as he handed me the wax-sealed letter.
I knew who it was from instantly.
“I was instructed to give this to you once you were strong enough, and I do not wish to prolong it any longer,” he explained.
For a moment, suffocating fear ran through me that this would be Theo’s way of casting me out of Beville. I knew that was unlikely to happen and had faded farther away from becoming actuality, but as I remained perplexed about the matter, it would linger in my mind.
Sawyer seemed to have already planned for my reaction.
“It is nothing alarming,” he assured me. “You are Beville’s most esteemed guest, and that has not changed, I promise you, Mina.”
I swallowed and glanced from the seal to the captain’s face, unsure of what could be in the letter and also continuing to realize that Theo had Sawyer assigned to look after me while he was gone. I could only imagine how unpleasant the conversation was, particularly for the latter. Still, if Theo had any inclination when I had possibly called for the captain and not the prince during my fever…it made me want to shrivel up and disappear.
“May I…” I toyed with the letter in my hands, shy, unsure of how to react about it in front of Sawyer. “Have some privacy to read this?”
He was taken aback, quickly catching his slip-up, but I knew not why that was his reaction. Did he hope to see me cross with having a letter from the prince? Or was he instructed to share my reaction to what was inside with Theo?
I wanted to apologize to him for the mess I put him right in the middle of. Sawyer never deserved that. I steeled myself, lifting my head, but he was already composed.
“Of course,” the captain said as politely as ever, bowing his head to me.
I couldn’t read the expression on his face, though gratefully, it was pleasant. If I knew one thing about Sawyer, it was that he hid his own emotions for the benefit of others, to keep them comfortable and at ease.
“I shall retire to the bedroom to read it,” I offered, not wanting to dismiss him when I also relied on help to move about.
He did not argue with me, instead helping me to my feet and offering his arm. He shut the door to my bedroom once I was escorted to the bench in front of my bed, and I wondered what was going on back in the parlor. If Sawyer was nervous, perhaps knowing what was in the letter…I knew he would not go anywhere, even if I should take my time.
Sawyer was anything but able to leave me in any delicate condition without aid.
He had listened to every haughty and distraught word I spoke of his prince. Had I asked if he would read the letter himself to me, I knew he would have obliged without pause or any unwarranted countenance. If only more men could be so giving as Sawyer…
I took a deep breath, preparing for whatever Theo could have to say to me. I slowly blew it out and broke the wax seal, unfolding the paper…to find two pages written.
I had not expected that.
Dearest Mina,
My heart breaks as I write to you.
No words can grant any measure of justice to the grievances I feel of how I have thus treated you since first we met at the opening of the season. Never in all my life have I felt contemptible against myself for hurting anyone as I have you. No matter the cause, you should not ever have known any form of harm, and the fact I have played such a knowing and unknowing role shall haunt me forever.
Not being there when you wake from the fever that nearly took your life…it is a mark upon my heart that I cannot properly put into words but that I feel etched in my very soul. Had the doctor not assured me you were out of danger, I would never have left your side.
Please be advised that I have gone away on grave business regarding the truth of your last residence before Beville.
What you spoke so passionately about in the garden, and weeks previous, have impinged on me so greatly that I can no longer stand by and not rectify them posthaste. I am a coward for allowing such insolence and hardship to befall those who should never have stepped foot in such a dangerous place as Magnen or any of the quarries.
It is my hope to restore the true status of my country to its former glory, and it pains me beyond belief to be taken from you when you have a trying recovery ahead of you.
Please know, Mina, that there is no other place I would rather be than beside you. And I know you would rather have me bettering the country, which you are right to want from me as prince. I know you are very cross with me, and your justifications are certainly true. I do not deny that your choice words for me do, in fact, carry weight behind them and have merits even I had refused to accept until hitherto. I will explain at length all that I could not share with you before you fell ill once I finish the work I have left unattended for far too long.
Allow me to admit that I plan to return to you a man worthy of one so just and strong and generous as you are—one who is certainly worthy of sitting on the throne, unlike myself.
I give you my solemn vow that I will be worthy, not just of my status as future sovereign, but worthy of you as well when I return.
I have made it known that anything you could ever wish for shall be granted during my absence. I have entrusted you to the only person notable of residing there in my stead. Nothing has ever mattered more to me than your happiness and health, Mina. Please do not hesitate to ask for the moon if it should bring you comfort while I am away.
Lastly, I need to thank you for putting a prince in his proper place. I cannot think of an adequate gesture for stirring a much-staled kingdom in need of reorder, starting from the very senior position overseeing it.
I pray when I arrive home to you that I will have found such a mythical gift suitable to one I regard more highly than I ever thought possible to adore and crave counsel from.
Please be reassured that you shall remain at Beville as my personal guest and be treated as the treasure that you are by everyone there. You will know peace and the honest pastime of my home with no distractions or other disturbances to hinder your recovery.
I shall write when I am able but know you are always in my thoughts. Constantly, I must admit.
There is no one else but you, Mina.
I look forward to our reunion should you still have me. My affections are forever yours, regardless of where you come from or what you were once called.
Never again shall you know hardship or any manner of horrors you have faced in the past. On the title of my crown, Mina, I extend my deepest and most heartfelt apologies for what became of you as just a child and only four months heretofore.
I will never allow Vérmethia to deteriorate to such allowances again, not to you or anyone of any rank, station, or monetary class. This is not the foundation nor becoming of the country I will one day rule under my own colors. Nor will I stand for it any longer.
I can only pray to the heavens that you will one day be able to forgive me and forgive Vérmethia for my mistakes.
May your recovery be swift and your healing generous, as you are to all that are honored with the grace of your presence.
Forever humbled, forever yours,
Theo
I stared at the beautiful penmanship at great length, trying to articulate my thoughts, let alone comprehend the ardency behind his words. There was no mistake Theo loved me. Loved me despite learning that I was a slave. And he was contrite and chastened and beneficent and just…everything I had longed for him to be.
I closed my eyes and let my mind ponder and process, undisturbed. Did this change anything? I was certainly stirred into awe at the gestures. But apart from my gladness of his change in attitude and influence, all I kept thinking in response was… he’s still not Sawyer.
I put my head in my hands, hating myself. Hating that I just could not love Theo when he was trying so hard to be the man he thought I wanted him to be. I did want Theo to be the very best king, alas, for his own sake and his subjects, not for my benefit. I had already received above and beyond my penance for enduring Magnen and the years in the orphanage with the comforts of Beville.
And now I knew that despite my misfortunes of the past, of how I had exploded at the Crown Prince of Vérmethia, knowing that I very well would be shunned or shackled for it, I was still Theo’s intended. His promise all those weeks ago that I could speak freely and never suffer consequences had held fast.
I was beyond touched by his words…but reluctant.
I did not deserve Theo’s devotion. Not when I continued to deceive him to such depths and on more than one occasion. But what was there to be done when he was off somewhere in his vast country rectifying wrongs? I would not do him the disservice of deciding anything without speaking to him face-to-face.
I owed Theo that much.
And whether he knew it so or not, the best amends he could offer me was granting me the freedom of spending time with Sawyer abundantly. As awful as I felt about it, that was all I wanted. I would continue to keep our friendship platonic, to not disgrace Theo’s generosity any further, no matter how greatly it pained me to swallow the truth that I would pine for his cousin forevermore.
Surely, if the prince could hold me to such high standards, I could meet them?
I folded up the letter, mustering my courage and wherewithal to abide by the silent agreement I made with myself for Theo’s sake. He was being unnecessarily generous to me, and I would not take it for granted. I was not nor would I ever be selfish, in any regard, again.
Stowing Theo’s letter in my bedside drawer, I managed to reach the door on my own, feeling more stable footed by my, for once, clear head.
When I opened it, Sawyer paused in his pacing along the width of the room.
He rushed forward to assist me, my eyes noticing his urgency and distress. His gaze locked on mine, and he paused for whatever reason, assumingly to keep propriety between us.
A beat of silence filled the air, then he cleared his throat, averting his eye.
“Are you alright?” His voice was quiet, reserved.
I took in his tilted posture, hands clasped behind his back, his reluctance to fully meet my eye. I wondered what had been spoken between him and Theo, or perhaps he was preparing for my reaction, my sordidness or weariness from the letter?
I wanted to apologize to him for how unusual our circumstances were now. He was my assigned companion by Theo to entertain me in his absence. And Sawyer’s loyalty to his cousin and the crown was blaring loud and clear between us, even with how close we had grown and how far we had confided in one another.
More than anyone in our lives previously.
I felt so horribly guilty, yet I was just unbelievably relieved to have this time while I mended to come to terms with accepting Theo’s hand and taking this reprieve to cherish Sawyer before our relationship would surely grow distant come the prince’s return. If there was one thing I could do for Sawyer, it was to relieve the burden I had put upon him.
“So, how shall we entertain ourselves during my confining recuperation?” I asked amiably, offering him a small smile that spoke volumes.
It seemed I, too, had been incredibly humbled. Theo’s letter showed me that he could be someone I could grow affection for–maybe love, though most likely respect more than anything.
Sawyer flashed his charming smile, offering his arm. “That is for me to discover with much trial and error, I am sure, and for you to find great amusement from.”
I laughed silently, taking his arm so he could guide me to the settee.
Before I could even ask, he went and opened the balcony doors, letting in the summer sun and fresh air. The captain removed his afternoon tailcoat and laid it against the arm of the chair nearest the balcony, then held up a book on the coffee table.
“Today, I shall read to you if that should suffice your time.”
“You’ll read to me? Not the other way ’round?” I asked incredulously, yet almost to the point of snickering.
Sawyer beamed and declared with a flourish of his arms before he sat down. “It is your task to recover, not entertain me. The roles, therefore, shall be reversed. Consider me a lady for all intents and purposes.”
I lost it.
I covered my mouth and chin with my hands and laughed—loudly. I chortled and tried my hardest not to laugh, but it only caused me to laugh greater still—first, a nursemaid, now a lady. Sawyer just grinned at me, chuckling himself.
“You could have just referred to yourself as a clergyman or of the sort, reciting sermons, not a–a lady,” I stated, giggling again.
It felt lovely to laugh like this after such a frightful ordeal, of course even more so in Sawyer’s warm company. Perhaps life would not be so terrible.
He offered a smile as I quieted down.
“I have never been a man of the church,” he explained, gripping the leatherbound book in both his hands, his long legs bent to accommodate his easy posture in the chair as his arms relaxed atop them. “And I certainly have not warmed to it after learning that the monsters portrayed as men of this world can harm one so fair, let alone one of my nearest and dearest friends…”
Well, that took a dark turn.
I blinked as I focused my attention solely on Sawyer. He was stoic as he met my stunned gaze.
I wet my lips, looking down. “How can there be pleasure without pain? Is that not the personification of heaven and hell? Why should monsters not walk among us, even in so beautiful a land as Vérmethia?”
Sawyer raised an eyebrow, intrigued. “By and by, should angels not also be among us?”
I wanted to say yes, that he was one of them, for his selflessness, kindness, and benevolence since the night of the orchard, even the night we met. How his nature was so divergent compared to others of his sex. And how beautiful a man he was. But it would all be horribly inappropriate, so I played aloof.
“If monsters are disguised as men, why should angels not be concealed from their true forms as well?”
Sawyer looked on in fascination. “To be sure. Why ever should angels not identify as women as monsters are men?”
It was a witty reply, but the truth was that I found my sex more monstrous than his.
“Why only categorize like with like? For not all men are monsters, just as not all women are angels.”
He gave a dip of his head towards me, his mouth wry, but pacified as he said, “Touché.” He straightened up and added, “A fitting argument for the first book I chose to help the time pass quicker, for I know of your distaste for being unoccupied.”
