The aureate affairs, p.56
The Aureate Affairs, page 56
“I saw the hardships behind your eyes too often,” he went on. “And I knew not what precisely they were, but I tried to be that trusted companion to you. It gutted me to see how you could no longer trust me as the season continued. Even then, Mina, you cared more for me than for yourself. You always sacrifice yourself for anyone else…”
His face grew so sad, and I was riveted watching it. How striking he looked, even remorseful.
He squeezed my elbows minutely, lost in his words. “You nearly perished due to the burdens you carried for others. Worrying for your brothers, for me, for every servant and destitute persons in the country. You know not how to be selfish, Mina.”
Sawyer looked down at me, strong and resilient and too generous. “You did what you must to survive. Who should fault you for that?” I lowered my eyes, regretting sharing my past with him. For I still could not tell the full truth to the captain, the real reason I left my brothers for dead–to keep my magic a secret.
And they would die before letting me reveal it.
A burden upon my heart that, after almost a decade, finally dissipated now that they were safe. Yet, the possibility of them having died before Theo learned the truth of where I came from would scar me for endless lifetimes.
“I have always chosen them before me,” I whispered, my heart clenching because it was true in any other circumstance. “I had mourned them all these months, grieving over never having a proper farewell with them.”
I moved my eyes back to Sawyer, who glowed handsomely in the sun, feeding me warmth in my despair, empathetic as he listened to me. “I was snatched out of the line of slaves without so much as another word by Laroy’s guards. He told me not why I was selected, merely that I would be introduced to the crown prince. I only discovered the game of the social season by Monsieur Duval after he selected me at Château Lambert.”
Sawyer’s eyes fell once more, like the great pillars of ancient kingdoms now buried in the ocean. “What you have endured…” he murmured solemnly. “Sorrow is too small a word to encompass what I feel for your trials.”
I shook my head, sour. “Feel not sorrow, nor despair, or pity–I loathe them thusly. I am alive despite the efforts of fate. I should not understand what errs I have committed against her for my circumstances to be thus cruel, and yet I do not take well to being given things freely or by commiseration. I am the Mina standing here today by the choices fate has selected for me. And just the same as why I agreed to partake in the social season, I am quite competitive and refuse to be anything but triumphant, despite the efforts to do so otherwise.”
I grimaced dryly. “I only regret what it cost me to win.”
Sawyer’s brows pulled, and his grip shifted on my arms–holy shit, he was still touching me.
“May I inquire as to that cost?” he asked delicately.
I took a breath, ignoring how my heart expanded, drinking in his doting, at how calming his touch was and the yearning it bloomed.
Sawyer was as compassionate as I was self-sacrificing.
“My freedom of choice,” I said quietly, explaining as I knew he would not fathom that being gifted jewels, a palace, and marrying a prince was not freedom from slavery. “I did not choose to be an orphan, nor a slave, nor to come here. The only small choice I had was the plan to escape Magnen with my brothers and find freedom together across the border. Chasing freedom as we ran–we, at least, would have been together and as liberated as possible.”
I felt my body go still.
Why would I tell Sawyer that…my second most coveted secret?
“Most desired, to be sure,” Sawyer said considerately, and I peered up at him. “Perchance, I should say with confidence that your life hence is far more comfortable than being running to foreign lands.”
He offered me a reassuring smirk. “You are healthy and sage, as are your brothers. I could not say the same should you all have escaped Magnen with no money, no clothes other than the uniform symbolizing a dangerous status to strangers, and no proper direction to where you could all find a life of simplicity.”
I nodded, shifting my feet. “I concur. However, at the time when we dreamed of such folly, it was a far cry better than our previous situation.”
Sawyer bowed his head a little. “I digress.”
I gave him a little smile as he released my arms, and I glanced out to the field around us, the gardens and orchard beyond. “I never mean to sound above all that Beville offers. ’Tis a glorious kingdom, to be sure.”
He gestured for us to stroll, and I ventured off the picnic blanket with him.
“It is only our hope you should find contentment here, Mina,” he said, clasping his hands behind his back.
“Our?” I asked, interested.
Sawyer smiled, and oh, how the world grew a little brighter when he smiled.
“The residents of Beville care for you,” Sawyer explained. “Adore you, even. I spend more time with you than my comrades and brothers-in-arms. And, of course, His Highness…”
A cloud formed over our walk at the mention of Theo.
“I understand court and the riches of high society are not to your liking,” he added. “But is there not a small chance that what you have here could be enough for you?”
It was a sincere request. I stared out at all the greenery. How if I ignored the enormous palace and only saw the grounds, it was akin to the countryside.
Yet, how could I ignore the royal duties bequeathed to me when I married Theo?
When I married Theo…mm. Clearly, I had already decided my destiny, rather than wait to speak with Theo when he returned to agree or decline. But deep in my dark heart, I knew I couldn’t leave Giselle or Sawyer, and if I had any valuable sway over Theo becoming the king everyone in Vérmethia needed, not just high society, then I had to marry him.
“It is not that,” I clarified softly, lacing my fingers together. Sawyer clung to my every word. I ignored the reasons for why he would be so keen. “Beville and all that it entails is not what brings me such weariness, rather the requirements of my remaining a resident—if not the next…” Fuck, how my heart raced with nerves, my throat squeezing in a knot. “The next mistress to rule it.”
I wanted to puke.
Sawyer was cautious next to me, eyeing me. “Does that frighten you?”
I turned to him, surprising myself when I cried, “Of course!”
I took a deep breath, feeling my lungs quivering with anxiety.
“How should it not?” I said rhetorically, my mouth running away from me. “My former status may not matter to marry Theo, but it should for the qualifications required of the next Queen of Vérmethia! I should not know one thing about ruling a kingdom, let alone maintaining a household–a palace–all the properties under the crown. I know how to curtsy, dance, eat at a formal table, and make small talk. Nothing more. I am a disaster otherwise! I would be a discredit to the country. I should never be allowed to speak with foreign nations, dignitaries, certainly nothing political…”
I trailed off as Sawyer put his hand to his mouth, and I finally noticed his silent laughter. His shoulders shook, and when I looked at him, he released the loud, stunning laughter he was containing. It was music to the wild surrounding us, light, spirited, and just lovely, really.
“F-forgive me,” he chuckled, slapping his hand to his chest and still laughing.
We stopped walking, and I was unsure how to take his laughing. Was he mocking me?
“Oh, my spirit is lifted so,” Sawyer sighed, looking up at the sky. He lowered his hand from his breast and turned to me, inclining his head. “I apologize, Mina. I do not mean to laugh at you. Rather, your opinion of yourself regarding the royal responsibilities is very amusing indeed.”
I was gobsmacked.
“Amusing?” I repeated.
He chuckled, a small sound in the back of his throat, and it was so light-hearted and entertained. Part of me was glad to have brought Sawyer to such a happy mood. “The stiff upper lip of society is long past due for a most refreshing air as the one you should breathe. Your propriety is more than enough to appease decorum, and such one must maintain as a royal, naturally, but your fears of being inadequate as queen are as far-fetched as any that I should have heard.”
To be complimented by Sawyer about my being fit as queen was…not at all what I expected.
I was relieved.
“You paint a false sense of encouragement, Sawyer,” I said, my tone chaff to show I was not bothered by it.
He grinned, taking back up the stroll, perfectly at ease. “I would never. By and by, educating oneself on royal manners and the sort are custom of the new rulers. You would not ever know shame or ridicule by those closest to His Highness and those who would become your trusted advisers and own counsel. You should always find help among your selected company.”
“Hmm…” I said vaguely, picturing the future that used to send me into fits of depression and remorse. It was still frightening, though perhaps less…intimidating. “Selected company?” I asked, open to the discussion.
“You would have a group, a circle if you will, of close confidants to be your friends, your secret keepers, your closest counsel. Normally, princesses and queens should have them notated as their ladies-in-waiting. With you, it would be incumbent upon me to wager yours would be made of men rather.”
I huffed in amusement. “Not a bad wager there.” I mulled the idea over in my head, intrigued surely, except a piece of me was still troubled speaking of my future as Theo’s wife with Sawyer. “You would be one such member of Theo’s circle, would you not?” I inquired nicely.
He inclined his head again. “Just so.”
“Then I should suffice you would not be allowed to join mine?” I guessed casually, gripping my fingers lightly behind my back.
“It is not either or, Mina,” Sawyer replied, but it was his tone, the meaningfulness behind it, that had me glance at him.
“You and Theo should be able to take counsel from one another, just as you would your inner circle. You are not on one side and him the other. He takes all that you have ever critiqued or spoken so passionately about to heart. It leads him at this very moment to right the wrongs of the kingdom by what you have advocated for. You would champion the country. Together,” he said boldly and confidently.
I grew warm at the praise, of the depths with which he spoke of my potential and character. “It is a great concept to fathom,” I said to end the subject. “Let alone to ponder it should be mine.”
“It is quite a ways in the future,” Sawyer said passively. “With His Majesty still in his reign.”
I nodded, quietly grateful for the easy conversation about such a previously difficult topic. It lessened the severity of it as a whole in my mind. I would forever be in debt to Sawyer for how he eased my hardships.
“Oh,” I remembered another detail of my ruse. “My surname is not ‘del Fleur.’”
His body jerked in surprise, his eyes wide as they looked over at me. “What? Why ever would you craft a false surname?” he asked.
I fought not to smile. “It was my instructor’s idea and who created it. I…”
I squeezed my fingers. “I have no surname that I know. It is lost…with the first six years of my memories.”
Sawyer was bereft. “My god, what has not befallen you?”
I shrugged my shoulder, not as affected by my misfortunes as I used to be. Almost dying really put things quite in perspective. “I have endured what I must. And look at what has been granted to me in return after such a rough start to one’s life?”
I gestured to the gardens around us, my favorite place to be. He remained deep in contemplation while we strolled, and I let him. We eventually circled back towards the picnic, the day too gorgeous to retire indoors so soon.
“Do you require a parasol, or the shade, Mina?” the captain asked as we situated onto the blanket.
“Should it look as though my skin has never felt the sun?” I asked rhetorically, raising an eyebrow. I was pale by no means compared to the other débutantes.
“I must admit the sun is most invigorating,” Sawyer said with a glad smile.
He enjoyed the outdoors just as much as me. I could see the tiredness in his eyes, masked well, of course, but I always saw more of Sawyer than he let others view, and he could do with time away from his duties.
“The stars may very well be more breathtaking to gaze upon,” I stated. “However, my soul is recharged by the light of the day.”
“Well said,” Sawyer cheered, finishing his lemonade.
I reached for my sketchbook, something I carried with me all the time now. “I wish to draw you,” I stated boldly, ignoring how I felt myself blush. I hoped the sun hid it.
His curiosity was piqued, and he reached into his discarded coat for his little book. “Shall we have a contest? I will draw you, you shall draw me, and we have the other judge?”
I bit my lip. “I thought you had already drawn me?”
Sawyer played it off as he always did–effortlessly charming, running a hand through his hair. “I always welcome the opportunity to practice drawing a subject in greater depth.”
I adjusted the ribbon keeping my hair back, attempting to be unflustered. “All right.”
He flashed a heartthrob grin. “Would you like to go first?”
With my legs tucked against me, I sat primly, countering, “You draw faster than I.”
He retrieved his pencil, a smile teasing his mouth. “If it pleases you.” Sawyer opened to a blank page, and his eyes moved from me to the paper countless times.
Heat.
It was a heat I had only felt traces of in the past. This…this was an inferno. Having Sawyer draw me, marking details of myself in such concentration, all while I was free to gaze upon him without reservation…
I would remember the hour for the rest of my life. The way my pulse pounded throughout my entire body, stirring an ache I had only read in novels.
When he finished, and it was my turn, Sawyer cleared away all the food while I stretched and prepared myself. He laid out on the blanket, leaning on his elbow, and fixed his gaze on me. Given how delicate our conversation had been, I adored how carefree he was today.
I drew him on two pages, wishing to include the scenery in the picture.
Something I could only deduce was pleasure consumed me during the length of my sketch. Capturing his image while feeling his eyes on me, just as I had done to him prior, created such an ache between my legs that had I not known about sex, I would have been worried. But the fact was that I was so desperately attracted to Sawyer, and days such as this, picnics and drawing each other, how could it not seem he, too, was infatuated?
Yet, we could not act on it, regardless.
What amends could I offer fate for her to allow me this one provision?
When I finished the minute details, the sun was in the far west, nearly clearing the treetops. I looked up, for the first time in a while, and my mouth opened to speak until I noticed the captain. I smiled wistfully. He was asleep. An arm curled under his head instead of propping it.
I knew not when he fell asleep, only that I was glad he did.
After spending all morning, afternoon, and evening with me for over a fortnight now, he had no time to keep up with papers and the sort except well into the night. And his eyes had grown far too tired these past weeks for my liking.
While I recovered my strength, I feared Sawyer was losing his.
Therefore, I had not the heart to wake him.
I set aside my book and slowly laid beside him, content to watch the sky shift into a prism of pastel colors. The sunset was indeed breathtaking. Peach, coral, lavender, and orange. Never could I have wished for a more perfect day.
I must have closed my eyes sometime as it grew dark, for when I opened them, I heard the morning songbirds twittering nearby.
However, that was not the reason for my awe.
Oh no.
I awoke to an arm draped over me, and a strapping body curled behind me, the soft breaths drifting against my neck. My heart clenched like someone had squeezed it in their fist. I could barely contain my enthusiasm, my shock. The joy was pouring through me—we had slept under the stars together.
A coveted wish, a fantasy I had not dared dream to hope could be a reality.
I memorized the feeling of his arm against my waist, protecting me even in his sleep. And then I held my breath, heart positively hammering when he stirred behind me. I expected him to be chaste, apologetic, to break away from me immediately.
The universe was finally granting me a reprieve from the forbidden flame I held for Sawyer.
His fingers drifted down my arm, dancing along my bare skin, and found my hand. I was inert, unable to believe this was real when he laid his hand on top of mine and entwined our fingers. I wanted to cry, to shout in veneration.
Instead, I kept the celebration to myself, closing my fingers around his, hardly able to comprehend that he had finally reciprocated the affections I fought every day for him.
It was the tiniest slip of his own desires, and knowing he felt the same on some mysterious level, I glowed internally, as blinding as the sun.
I had just enough time to stare at our interlaced hands in front of my chest before he slowly let go. I couldn’t even be disappointed. There was nothing more I wanted than to know it was not unrequited, that there was some measure of affection for me.
Sawyer sat up, his voice hushed like the morning would catch us as he said, “We should head inside. Your hands are cold.” To have him verbally comment on the fact he had held my hand was...if the world ended, I would be satisfied. I took his hands once he stood, and he helped me to my feet, not an ounce of shyness to be found from either of us.
There was no other hint to what he had done, what we had shared. It was verboten, and we both knew, but the impermissible moment was to be deferential, worshiped in silence by the pair of us. At least, that’s how I justified it in my mind.
