Do not feed after midnig.., p.2
Do Not Feed After Midnight, page 2
I said, “But mostly it’s because she looks nervous. Her posture says she isn’t feeling safe and comfortable. You never look like that. But she does. And because of it, she certainly isn’t giving the impression that she is available for any kind of interaction at all.”
The girl said, “And even though she looks kind of like me, she isn’t sexy for a different reason. OK, what about that couple?”
I said, “The guy and girl with their arms around each other? No.”
The girl said, “She’s wearing a short skirt and a tank top and no bra, and he’s practically feeling her up!”
I said, “And there’s nothing about it that I find sexy.”
She said, “She’s obviously having sex with him all the time.”
I said, “But to me, there seems to be a hint that she might wish that she wasn’t. To me, she looks trapped. To me, the picture says that the guy picked out those clothes for her and she thinks that she has to wear them. And she has to have sex with him. And I find it repulsive.”
She said, “So... a girl can’t wear clothes a guy wants her to? No–wait! It depends on the picture she draws! If she likes what he thinks she looks pretty, or sexy, in, and she wants to wear them, there’s nothing wrong with that. Oh, if the old people, like, if he told her, Honey, you still have a fine form and it turns me on when you go commando, and she laughs and doesn’t put on undies, and they go to the coffee shop, and he slips his hand up her shorts, and he can’t touch anything, but they both know he could if he went far enough, that’s sexy for them, isn’t it? But this girl has to do it because she’ll be rejected or abused otherwise. There’s nothing sexy about that.”
I said, “And if she were my sister, I’d run the guy off, and she would hate me for it but eventually thank me years later.”
She said, “This is great! Jake, this is amazing. Hey, it’s been about an hour, but can we keep going? Do you have time? Or should I come back later? Today if possible? I’m really having a good time.”
I said, “You know, I am too. You’re fun to talk to. And I’m not going anywhere.”
She smiled and said, “Great! Let’s keep going. So now, by definition, we know why... wait. Your friend, Nathan, how close are you?”
I said, “Not that close. You are his client, right? It’s not like he’s a counselor, so it doesn’t matter if I know that, right? Anyway, yeah, I’ve known him a long time, but we aren’t close.”
She smiled and said, “In a way, I think that’s good. Because. By definition, we know why he’s not sexy or attractive. Because available or not, he’s not a guy I’d want any kind of a relationship with. I like you. But he’s... well, repulsive. Sorry if that’s harsh. But it is what it is, and if that’s a deal-breaker for you, I have to live with myself.”
Chapter 2 Don’t Expose to Bright Lights
Oh, my gosh! What a relief it was to hear her say that! She did take ownership of herself and didn’t want me to define her. How refreshing. I felt suddenly much better about this whole thing.
I said, “Look, Nathan is what he is. If he helps you with something, that’s great. I don’t blame you for not thinking he’s attractive–or sexy.”
The girl said, “Good. He’s not a total slimy prick, I don’t think. But I’m not totally comfortable with his professional advice. He had a really different take on sexiness. In fact, he thought I was sexy as hell, and the only thing that could have made it better was if I wore high-heels with my leggings.”
I said, “See? Some people, and maybe Nathan is one of them, don’t pay attention to both sides of a relationship. They think people have a relationship.”
She frowned and said, “And you don’t? That sounds weird. But I’m going to want to hear why you say that.”
I said, “You and I don’t have a relationship.”
She said, “Oh? I’m sorry. Yeah, I understand that. I just felt really comfortable, I guess, and...”
I said, “No, wait. Let me explain. What I’m saying is that we have more than one relationship. We have the one I perceive, the one you perceive, and possibly something in between that is more what other people would observe for us. Take the couple with the girl in the schoolgirl outfit we talked about. The guy thinks their relationship is one thing, and the girl feels totally different about it. And you and I perceive it differently than both of them, and in some ways, our perception might be more the truth than theirs. Nathan perceives his side of a relationship and nothing else. So does that guy with the girlfriend. Maybe the old couple sees that they have at least two relationships to pay attention to. I know that you and I do. My perceived relationship with you is different than your perceived relationship with me.”
She said, “But the old people? So maybe they know that, and that makes the real relationship closer to one thing than two or three?”
I said, “That’s the goal, in my opinion.”
She said, “OK, so, I better go. I have to be at practice. What do I owe you,” and she reached for her bag under her chair?
I said, “Owe me for what?”
She looked at me and smiled and said, “For an hour and a half of your time. Whatever you charge, I more than got my money’s worth this morning. Do we need to make appointments? I’m assuming you will keep seeing me. I would like to do more than once a week, though.”
I said, “Um, you misunderstood. I’m sorry. And I guess I misunderstood. I’m not a life coach or whatever. We were just having coffee.”
She stared at me and said, “Wow. This is awkward. Were we on a date?”
I said, “Well, coffee. As far as I knew.”
She smiled and said, “Do you want to do it again?”
I said, “Well, I thought I did.”
She said, “Until I screwed everything up by asking you how much you charge? Jake, you’re a totally smart guy. Get me out of this. Throw me a lifesaver and offer me a way to not only save face but to see you again. Um, do you want me to act like we’ve never met and just ask you if I can sit down, and we can start over like this never happened?”
I said, “What do you want to do?”
She relaxed in her chair and thought for a moment and then said, “I want to... well, if it was a date, how did it go?”
I said, “I liked it a lot. I felt like I was really lucky that Nathan set us up. I was hoping that you’d want to do it again. At least coffee.”
She said, “But maybe more? Look, that works for me. The only awkward thing is that I still have questions, and I think you can help me with them. You helped me a lot today, and I kept thinking that I was really attracted to my therapist or whatever. But if this isn’t professional, that’s like really better, but now you’ll think that I only want to see you because I need help.”
I said, “When you looked at me, your pupils were dilated.”
She smiled and said, “Oh! An involuntary sign of arousal. And you noticed. Is that enough assurance for you that I want to pursue at least a friendship?”
I said, “Yeah, look, Miranda, if we had just met and there hadn’t been a misunderstanding, I would still have enjoyed the conversation and would have wanted to discuss it and other things next time. I didn’t know about your expectations and was enjoying what we were doing.”
She said, “So did I. I really did. OK, so it’s fine if we forget about what I thought, and I’ll never try to pay you again, but we’ll have coffee and talk and stuff?”
It was weird that she didn’t ask me why I called her Miranda. I still didn’t know her name, and I just called her that as a joke because she didn’t tell me what it was. But she didn’t balk or correct me or even acknowledge it. Maybe I’d guessed it right, and she didn’t think anything of it.
I said, “I’m here every morning. I’m always alone, and I’m always available for...”
She interrupted me, grinning, and said, “For sex?”
I smiled and said, “For coffee, at least.”
She said, “I only work half a day. About ten to two. So, it’s OK if I stop by again?”
I said, “I’d really like that.”
She smiled and said, “Me too. I wonder what kind of pictures we’ll draw each other. Oh, but I really do have to run. I better go tell your buddy I need to cancel our coaching.”
She stood up, offered me her hand again, and walked away. Nathan was done with his previous client, and they spoke for a minute. She waved at me as she went out the door.
Nathan came to my table and helped himself to a seat, and said, “Odd, huh? She’s dropping me, thank goodness. She’s not going anywhere. She doesn’t care about anything important. I’ve tried, I really have, but she just can’t get it, I don’t think. Not everyone can. Hell, she asked me for a reading list, and the first three books I recommended she didn’t even try. They were classics, too! Dress Like You Mean It, The Million Dollar Smile, and Death of a Cat Lady.”
I said, “Nathan, why did you have her talk to me?”
He laughed and said, “Because she’s the kind of weirdo I thought you’d find interesting. You are interested in all kinds of weird garbage. Like supernatural meta-what’s-it stuff.”
I said, “Simple mindfulness.”
He said, “OK, whatever you say. But she’s weird, right? She doesn’t even know what sexy means. Put on a skirt and heels, girl. It won’t help because she’s so tall, and she’s got no boobs because she’s so athletic, so it’s a lost cause, really.”
I said, “You are such a prick, Nathan. And she actually had very nice breasts.”
Nathan said, “If you say so. Anyway, I gotta run. Haircut in 30 minutes. You can get back to your fantasies. I hope she doesn’t glom onto you too much, dude.”
I said, “Nathan, what’s her name?”
He said, “She didn’t tell you?”
I said, “She kept being surprised that you didn’t tell me.”
He said, “She doesn’t have one. Or so she says. Her driver’s license says Jane Something. Or Joan. Or Beverly, I don’t know. She told me to call her whatever I wanted to. She’s weird. I’m probably going to have to change coffee shops so I don’t run into her from now on. But I gotta go–haircut in 30.”
I couldn’t see how Nathan could possibly need a haircut, but I think he got one once a week regardless.
I went back to my current story. I liked it when I met interesting people. Every one has a story. What was Miranda? Her name wasn’t Miranda, but I’d call her that for now. She was a professional volleyball player and was looking for something. That’s why she had been talking to an image consultant. And why she had talked to me, even though I wasn’t anything like that. It was flattering that she felt like she had gotten something out of our talk. I would run into her again, and I wondered what it would be like. It really was unfortunate she hadn’t thought of it as meeting me for social reasons.
On the other hand, she had been attracted to me in some way. Her eyes gave it away. Yeah, it was flattering. I didn’t dwell on it.
But when I got to the coffee shop a few minutes before six the next morning, she was already there. Sitting at the same small table, by herself, with a coffee and a journal that she was writing in. When she saw me, she smiled and waved.
Before I could order, she called out, “Haley, whatever he wants is on me, OK?”
The girl at the register smiled and asked what I wanted. I didn’t argue. If she wanted to buy my coffee, I wouldn’t refuse. Of course, Haley knew me well enough and just asked if I was having my usual. I was. A Venti Vanilla Latte with three pumps of vanilla. Miranda was stowing her journal and setting her purse under the table, obviously making a place for me to join her.
She said, “Are you proud of me? I asked the girl her name and chatted for a minute and told her that I was going to meet you and buy your coffee. She said you always came in by six, so, yeah. But I did it. It was easy. I knew she knew you, so I just asked her name, and she told me. And I acted like I was going to be her friend, and it worked. She told me you like Vanilla Lattes.”
I said, “Yeah, that’s what I usually have early in the morning,” and I sat down with her.
She said, “And iced lattes mid-morning and black tea with either mango or guava flavoring in the afternoons.”
I smiled and said, “They told you all about me, didn’t they?”
She said, “I cheated.”
I said, “Cheated how?”
She said, “I told them that we’d had one date yesterday and that we were meeting again today and asked if they could give me some hints so that I could make points by knowing what you liked. Apparently, you are a friendly guy, and they like you. I think it made them kind of proud to know what your usuals are. They do that for a lot of people, I mean, they know my normal order, too, but when I asked about you, because they saw us together yesterday, they just told me. It was fun.”
I said, “It is really fun to get to know people that way. If it’s genuine.” I didn’t mind that she had asked about me or that the girls at the coffee shop had told her about me. She wasn’t stalking me. She was just trying to be friendly. It seemed to be working. And in an odd way, I was proud of her.
She said, “What time does Nathan come? I wouldn’t mind not seeing him anymore.”
I said, “He is usually here, if he comes, later in the afternoon. After three o’clock. Some days he comes in the morning, like yesterday, but not often. He doesn’t come every day. He mentioned that he might be working out of a different location from now on.”
She said, “OK, cool. So, are you busy? Do you want to hang out? I can go if you want me to. I just wanted to get your coffee and practice and see if I could do it. You know, be friendly and know their names and everything.”
I said, “No, I’d love to hang out.”
She said, “You don’t have a lot of work?”
I said, “No, I set my own hours. And as far as I’m concerned, talking to people is an important part of my job.”
She said, “Which is?”
I said, “I write novels.”
She said, “So, do people you meet end up in them?”
I said, “If they aren’t careful.”
She said, “Are you going to put me in one?”
I said, “Would you want me to?”
She smiled shyly and said, “Maybe. What would it be like?”
I said, “Well, the first thing that comes to mind is a jungle princess.”
She grinned and said, “Really! Like a fur bikini and stuff? A leopard loincloth?”
I said, “It’s up to you. Tell you what–if you want to be in one of my books, I’ll let you pick out your own outfits.”
She said, “Leopard loincloth it is then. But with a bikini top, OK? Not topless.”
I said, “I promise.”
She said, “Except if I’m, you know, swimming or something.”
I said, “Got it. If you are skinny dipping, no bikini.”
She said, “Well, not if I’m skinny dipping, obviously. I’d have to take a bath in the river, or under a waterfall, wouldn’t I? Um, but is there any chance that I’ll be chased by, I don’t know, a gorilla or something?”
I said, “It might happen.”
She said, “OK, if that happens, you can make my clothes get caught on a branch or something if you have to.”
I said, “And you’ll have to escape from the gorilla or whatever naked?”
She said, “I suppose so. I mean, it can’t be helped in that case, right?”
I said, “Not if you want to get away alive.”
She said, “And I most certainly do.”
I said, “Oh? Why?”
She said, “Well, I don’t want to give away too much, but I imagine there’s this hunky aviator who crash-landed in the jungle, and there’s been a few misunderstandings along the way, but I’m pretty sure I want him to move into my treehouse.”
I said, “Oh, saucy!”
She laughed and said, “Saucy? Really? Saucy?”
I said, “Saucy, indeed.”
She said, “Hey, speaking of saucy, um, don’t get me wet, OK?”
I didn’t know what to make of that and mentioned that she’d have to get wet if she went skinny dipping.
She said, “No, well, I mean in real life, OK? Don’t get me wet?”
I said, “OK. I won’t get you wet. And don’t feed you after midnight?”
She said, “Yeah.”
I said, “Um, and I assume don’t expose you to bright light?”
She said, “Oh, can you tell? That’s weird. No one else has ever noticed, but yeah, this thing and the antibiotic I’m taking causes photosensitivity, and anyway, I have to be careful about bright lights, especially sunlight. For another two weeks or so. I was pretty sick. I’ll be fine, but yeah, no bright lights.”
I didn’t say it, but I had actually been joking. That was the three rules from the movie Gremlins: don’t expose them to bright lights, don’t get them wet, and don’t ever feed them after midnight.
I said, “OK, we won’t sit out in the sun when we hang out. But the other two things are important too?”
She said, “Yeah.” She didn’t explain. I didn’t see how I would be in a position to do those things, but OK. She showered, didn’t she? How could you not get wet? At least parts of you? Maybe the antibiotics she was on had to be kept dry–I mean, maybe her skin had to be kept dry while she was taking them. It didn’t matter. We were at a coffee shop, not an all-night um... swim-up bar with stadium lighting.
She said, “Jake, will you take me shopping sometime?”
I said, “OK. Why?”
She said, “I want to know what it’s like to dress sexy. How sexiness works with clothes. It’s not what Nathan thought, is it?”
I said, “No, I don’t think it is at all. I can take you shopping, but...”
She said, “I don’t need you to pay or anything. Just help me pick out some clothes.”
I said, “I was going to say that I can take you, but it would help if I knew what you are looking for? Why are you so interested in sexiness? In particular?”
She said, “Well, it doesn’t seem as important now, but I started working with Nathan because I wanted to know how to make friends and kind of how to make friends with men.” I didn’t know how I felt about that. I was starting to like this girl and felt a twinge of jealousy.
