Do not feed after midnig.., p.26
Do Not Feed After Midnight, page 26
She said, “But this blanket is so soft.”
I said, “We can take it with us,” and encouraged her to stand up.
I led Andie to my bedroom, and we just laid down on top, and I pulled the blanket over us. My bed was queen-size, but the blanket was a king. It was plenty big enough to keep us cozy.
Andie crawled onto my shoulder and snuggled in.
She said, “Jake, do you mind if we talk for a bit?”
She couldn’t possibly imagine that I would mind; it was just her way of making the transition.
I said, “Babe, Miranda was here last night. In my bed. How do you feel about that? Being here now, and her being here last night?”
She said, “Did you guys have sex?”
I said, “No. Does that matter?”
She said, “It would. I guess it does. But why didn’t you?”
I told Andie about our commitment that in Miranda’s case that we wouldn’t have sex until after the wedding.
She said, “Oh, that’s cool. I didn’t mean that I would be upset if you had or anything like that. I just meant that I would care if you did or not. I mean that I care whether you do or not. Um, that I care about if you guys are... if you are having a good time. I thought about it after you left last night. I woke up naked and by myself, but I knew you wrapped me in towels and put me to bed. I was lonesome and felt loved at the same time. And I wondered who you were with. And I figured out that our life now is all connected, and if I get possessive, then I break the glass we drink out of like Miranda had us do in the hot tub, and I just hurt myself. I figured out that I love this ‘Us’ thing. And I could come have sex with you, and Miranda and Stevie would be happy I did. Jake, did you come when we had sex last night? I don’t remember it.”
I said, “I didn’t, Babe. I waited, and Miranda jacked me off after we put you to bed.”
She said, “See! That’s so good. And it makes me happy. I get it. Jake, I’m never going to leave you.”
I said, “And I’m never going to reject you or get tired of you or want to hurt you.”
I felt like those were promises that I could keep.
Andie said, “I feel like you won’t. Um, I need to ask you something. About why I shredded the pact.”
I said, “OK.”
She said, “Is it OK if I fall in love with you?”
I said, “Andie, of course! I want to fall in love with you too. All it will take is you saying I can.”
She said, “Is that how it works? That we have to have permission?”
I said, “We have to give ourselves permission. If you say that... OK, look, it works this way. Did you ever see one of those old movies or read those old books where the guy comes and asks the girl if he can court her?”
Andie laughed and said, “Yeah.”
I said, “So, that’s kind of what this is. In our case, our hearts have so much respect for each other that they won’t let themselves court each other until they have permission. They don’t need to date. They already know they want each other, but they won’t make a move to really fall in love, even though they already are, until we say it’s OK.”
She said, “But that wasn’t the deal. The deal was that I got to have sex with you. And I shredded that, so you don’t even have to do that, so now, what are we doing? And I came over and told you that you could do whatever you wanted, and we haven’t done it, so what are we?”
I said, “I did exactly what I wanted with you. I got naked and held you and tried to tell you that I loved you and tried to convince you to let me fall in love with you.”
She said, “I guess that’s what I did too. Jake, last night was better than ever. I don’t think I remember all of it, but it was really good. From the first moment at the restaurant. I guess the reason I had to come over to see you was because I was afraid I was forgetting how you made me feel and how much I enjoyed having sex with you that way.”
I asked, “What way?”
She said, “Tender. Secret. The others didn’t even know at first. You just held me and loved me, just me, secretly. But as it went on, it wasn’t a secret anymore. They knew that you were making love to me. That you loved me and didn’t care about anything but me right then. It wasn’t a foursome.”
I said, “Andie, Sweetie, has that been a thing in the past?”
She held me tight and said, “Sometimes.”
I said, “But you’re OK with me loving Miranda and Stevie? And you?”
She said, “Yeah. Oh! Babe, I didn’t mean that I’d be weird about Miranda and Stevie. Hell no! Look, last night was so different. And right now is different. And if we... make love, I can say that, right? If we make love with all four of us, that will be different, too! We’ll be together. It’s not like I won’t know who’s um... I was about to say, fucking me, but that would be using it in that bad way you don’t like. I’ll know exactly who is... loving me, and I’ll only be fucked in the pure sense from now on. Like last night. I guess I don’t really need permission, do I? I am in love with you. It’s almost like I always was.”
I stroked her back as she lay against me and said, “Andie, do you want to get married?”
Chapter 25 She’s Leaving
She raised up and looked at me and said, “Is it OK if we don’t? I will, but I don’t want to. I don’t know, I just want to... I want to be like this is how it is, and kind of like I became yours three years ago, and we don’t need anything now to prove it. I kind of don’t want to be your wife.”
I said, “OK. That’s fine.”
She said, “But I want to be something. Is it OK if we don’t get married that I still change my name to yours? I don’t know how to explain it.”
I said, “Is it that the words wife and husband don’t describe what you want with me?”
She said, “Yeah. I mean, what do those words mean? I don’t know if we really know anymore. It doesn’t mean you love each other. It doesn’t mean you’re happy. It doesn’t mean you will even be nice to each other. Stevie’s mom and dad aren’t married, right? But like after two years or something, the law says you kind of are. Because you grow to be, not because you were told to be.”
I laughed and said, “Well, if you’ve been mine for three years already...”
She said happily, “... then we’re already... something.”
I said, “I feel like we’re totally something, no matter what you call it. Some people I know never use the words husband or wife, just partner. But you will have to call me something. And I’ll need something to call you.”
She said, “Why?”
I said, “Because a situation will come up someday where someone asks you out, and you will want to tell them to back off because you’re in a committed relationship. It is a committed relationship, right?”
She laughed and said, “Yeah, a closed, poly throuple-ish relationship. Definitely closed. And committed. But I see what you mean. I need a word for it that is unambiguous and exclusive. How do you feel about ‘mates’?”
I said, “How do you feel about it?”
She said, “I kind of like it. It is exclusive, implies a sexual relationship, and permanence. It works for me.”
I said, “OK, mates, it is.”
She said, “But we are already, right? We don’t have to do anything to seal the deal? No contract? No written contract?”
I said, “No, Babe. We sealed the deal last night as far as I’m concerned. Before we had sex. When you drank from our cup and said, I do.”
She said, “That was a really nice ritual. And I did say, I do. OK. I’m in love with you. So, Miranda was here last night, huh? That’s really nice. I can sort of feel her if I try. I like that.”
We stayed in bed, holding each other for a while longer, but as the time went on, I could feel Andie getting tense. I didn’t say anything about it right away. When I did, she sighed deeply and sat up.
She said, “Jake, I think I have bad news. I think I have to go.”
I said, “OK, I could come with you. Whatever you need to do.”
Andie patted my chest sadly and said, “No, I don’t think so. I think I have to go take care of some things. I might be gone for a while. Maybe a month.”
I said, “Andie, what do you mean? A month? Where are you going?”
Andie got up and started undressing.
She said, “I have to go see some people and do some things. Falling in love with you hasn’t fixed my life. I see that. It’s a big step, but it comes at a price. I have to face my past.”
I said, “Andie, don’t go alone. Let me work something out and go with you. Wherever you need to go. And don’t you have a contract with the team?”
Andie was naked and starting to put her clothes on as she said, “I would love to have you with me, but no. I’ve always kind of been alone, and I need to do this alone.”
I was up and getting dressed now and feeling an urgent need to convince Andie not to go, wherever she was planning to go, by herself.
I said, “It sounds like the fact that you have always felt like you were alone is the very reason not to go by yourself. Whatever it is, I can work it out with Miranda and Stevie for me to go with you. We’ll do the wedding in a couple of days, and then you and I can leave together. The girls will be fine. Or they can come with us. Stevie, at least.”
Andie said, “Jake, I know you mean that. I know that you would do whatever I wanted. But what I want is to go by myself. I really do. And I’ll be gone for a while. And I won’t call you every day to check-in.”
I said, “But you will absolutely call me if you get into any trouble, if you need help, or if you get too lonely, or if you have a big decision to make that includes me and the girls? Andie, where are you going? OK, you are going, I get that. But aren’t we connected enough now that you can tell me why?”
Andie finished dressing and turned to face me, pulling me into her arms.
She said, “Yes, Jake. We are connected. I love you. And in order to be with you, I need to take care of some things that I feel hanging over my head. I need to try to see my mom. I need to go back home and see my grandparents if I can find them. I need to ask forgiveness in a few places. You need to stay here. Or at least stay with Stevie and Miranda. Maybe I will call you. I didn’t think I would, but now I think maybe I will. I’ll let you know how it’s going and where I am. I might even ask you to help me from here. And yes, I have a contract, but it allows for a leave of absence in case of a family emergency. Right now, seeing where my mom is buried and talking to my grandparents before they die is an emergency. But I have to go alone.”
I said, “Andie, your mother is dead?”
She said, “I think so. I don’t know for sure. That’s why I have to go back home for a while. To Iowa. I need to at least try to contact my sister, Cassie. And Jake, I need to reconnect to... I need to come to grips with who I was and where I came from before I can really settle down with you.”
I said, “Andie, maybe you could do some of that work here, with a good counselor.”
She said, somewhat harshly, “Have you ever met one? A good counselor? There’s no such thing!”
I said, “Actually, there is. I know two of them, and they know a few more. Miranda is starting to see one, and I see one every week. I promise, they do exist.”
She said, “Then when I come back, I’ll let you introduce me.”
I said, “But Andie, you are coming back? You agreed that we’re mates.”
Andie held me tightly and said, “OK, yes, I promise. I will come back. And I will still love you, and I’ll let you make me feel pretty. Give me a few weeks, at least. I’ll come back, and I’ll see this mythical good therapist you somehow believe in, and if you still want me when I come back, I’ll do whatever you want me to. I promise.”
I hugged her, not knowing what to say.
Finally, she kissed me and said, “I am going to go. I’ll get ahold of you in a few days. You’re right. I’m connected. I can’t ignore that. I need to go, and I need to go alone, but I’ll stay connected. I promise. Bye, Sweetie. I will come back.”
I walked Andie to the door and kissed her again, and she walked down the stairs to the visitor parking lot. She promised to stay in contact, but I wasn’t sure she would. She sounded like she was placating me and trying to leave without hurting me too much. I really wasn’t sure that I would ever see her again. But that was her choice. I wasn’t sure she was doing the best thing, but how could I know? I didn’t know why she didn’t know if her mother was alive or dead. She had a sister somewhere. And family that she apparently wasn’t in contact with. I really wanted to go with her. My inner rescuer compelled me. Alan and I would have things to talk about the next time I saw him, for sure.
I felt like Andie, the only true love of my life, had just walked away. Of course, that was just how I felt at this moment. I loved Stevie and Miranda. Probably more than I had loved Andie until a few minutes ago. But now that she was gone, I couldn’t imagine life without her. It wasn’t rational. I’d known her for almost 24 hours. But I felt devastated by the possibility that I had just lost her.
Was there something else that I could have done?
I had enough self-awareness to recognize my feelings, to acknowledge them, and accept them. And at the same time to know that if I dwelt in my current feelings of loss, that I would miss the blessing of Stevie and Miranda. Andie had to do what she was going to do. I hoped that I really would hear from her soon.
I called her.
She answered and said, “Jake, I’m sorry. I have to do this. Whether it’s the healthiest thing or not. I just have to!”
I said, “I understand. I get it. But Andie, I want to ask if you trust me enough to let me know where you are. I wanted to ask if you would turn on location tracking on your phone and share it with me. So that I can see where you are?”
Andie laughed and said, “Yes! I will. You’re my mate! I will absolutely share my location data with you. And if I can’t bring myself to call you, at least you will know where I am. And at night, we’ll look up at the same moon and know that it sees both of us. That feels really good. I love you, Jake! I’ll do it as soon as I stop the car,” and she hung up.
I hoped that she really would. She had sounded excited about it. I hoped that wasn’t an act. Being able to at least know where she was would make things easier. As long as Andie really wanted me to know. She could always turn it off if she wanted to disappear. If she did, I’d respect her wishes.
I sat down and started writing. My jungle girl had gotten separated from the handsome castaway. She was currently safe but alone, injured but not badly, and had no way out of her predicament without help. The longer it took her strange companion to find her and get her out, the more dire the circumstance would become. But for now, at least, she was safe enough. It would be a cold night, though.
It was after seven, nearly eight, when I settled down and started to wonder about Miranda and Stevie. I hadn’t heard from them all day. I sent a group text to the two of them, telling them that I loved them and hoped everything was going well, whatever they were doing. I got one back from Miranda asking if she could give Stevie the key to my apartment so that she could let herself in later if they got done late. That was fine with me.
I lived just a few blocks from a big home improvement store, and it would be open for another hour, so I decided to go get an extra key made before I went to bed. The machine was automated and only took a few minutes. I was home before nine. Back at my apartment, I suddenly thought that Stevie was right. This place seemed dreary now. Partly because Andie had left. Partly because Stevie didn’t like it. Partly because the girls’ place was so much nicer in contrast. Now I didn’t even want the girls to come over. Not Stevie, anyway. It had been great with Miranda. She and I could stay here happily. But Stevie was right about it not being a great place to inspire creativity. That’s why I was always at the coffee shop. My life felt like it had collapsed. Like it had fallen in on itself. The excitement of getting my own place and making my own choices was gone, and everything felt so much grayer and lifeless. Not too long ago, there had been a nasty virus that had infected pretty much everyone in the world before we got a good vaccine for it. I got the virus early. It was bad. For me, it was like an awful flu. A lot of people, A LOT, died. One of my family members died. One relative had long-term effects that were going to kill her within two to five years. One of the symptoms for some people was that they lost their sense of taste or smell for a period of time. That happened to me. One night, after my symptoms seemed to have gone away and after the time where they said that we were probably still contagious, I was sitting down to eat with my next-door neighbors, and as I took the first bite, something seemed really wrong. Like the food was bad. I didn’t know what to do. You can’t tell your host that their food tastes like dry cement. That’s what it was like. And it was awful. They didn’t seem to notice anything wrong. I took a drink from the glass of water in front of me, and it tasted the same as the food. Like a mouth full of dirt. And not good dirt, either. Like... well, dry cement. I smiled as best I could, thanked them, and admitted that I seemed to have lost my sense of taste. We got me out of their apartment as quickly as we could, and I stayed home for a few days. My neighbors had already had the virus too, and early on, we thought that meant that you couldn’t get sick again, so we felt OK about celebrating just a little that night.
