The view from a rusty tr.., p.11
The View From A Rusty Train Car, page 11
Hearing a thump against the wall and what sounded like a curse, he ran to the door, opening it. “Sorry!” He grabbed one of the boxes his roommate, Chris, was trying to balance.
“This is finally the last of it.” Chris dropped the boxes by his desk, collapsing onto his bed. “This is too much work for one day. I’m done with this moving shit.”
“No kidding. I think I’m finally finished too.” Jared fussed with the things on his desk.
Chris stood, raising an eyebrow. “You’re one of those.”
A wave of nausea flowed over Jared. His heart started to pound in his chest. He took a step backward. He examined the path to the door, looking for a clear shot out. Run! Swallowing the lump in his throat, he cringed at the smirk on his roommate’s face. Not seeing a way past, he walked to the window, leaning out to take in some cool air. “I’m not sure what you mean.” His voice quivered.
Chris laughed, kicking a mound of clothes on the floor under his bed. “Organized... everything all neat and tidy. I’m telling you now that I’m a slob, but I promise I’ll keep it on my side of the room.”
Jared laughed. “No worries. I don’t care. It’s just... habit, I guess.”
Chris looked at the clock on his nightstand. “How did it get so late?” He jumped up, pulled off his clothes then grabbed some new ones from the pile, putting them on. “Some of my friends and I are running to get some food. Do you wanna come with us?”
Jared averted his eyes. “Sure. What the heck.”
“Cool! Kelly wanted you to meet her friend Derek. She thought you’d have a lot in common. He’s going into journalism too.” Chris ran out the door, waving for Jared to follow.
“Great!”
Chris led Jared down the street a few blocks, meeting up with Kelly and Derek at a bus stop. Jared waved to Kelly as they approached. She smiled and waved back, whispering something to the guy next to her.
Chris put his arms around Kelly, kissing her. “Hello, beautiful!”
She smiled at Jared and gave him a hug. “Hey there, cutie! This is my friend Derek.” She raised an eyebrow, smirking. “Derek, this is Jared. See what I mean?”
Jared watched their interaction. What did she mean by that?
Derek offered his hand. “Hi. It’s nice to meet you.”
“You too.”
Derek stared him in the eye, smiling.
Jared pulled his hand away, hoping Derek hadn’t noticed he was shaking from nerves. “Chris told me you’re studying journalism.”
“I am. Photo-journalism actually.”
“Oh, cool. I’m going into plain old journalism... journalism.” Jared turned away, beating himself up in his head. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
“You know, I heard they make us pair off for projects. We’d make quite a team. I need you and you need me. I might just get through this whole damn school thing.” Derek put his arm around Kelly, chuckling.
“Sure. I mean... I guess.” Jared caught Kelly winking at Derek. See? They think you’re an idiot. Chris followed Jared. He took the seat next to him, Derek and Kelly the ones across the aisle. They whispered to each other, tossing glances in his direction. Jared stared out the window. I wish this was over.
Derek leaned over to Chris, whispering in his ear. Chris smiled as they exchanged seats. Jared inched closer to the window. Derek patted him on the leg. “I hope you don’t mind. Kelly wanted to sit with Chris.”
“No. Of course.” Jared took a deep breath, staring back out the window.
The bus stopped. Derek stepped into the aisle, motioning for Jared to go ahead of him. “Thank you.” Jared followed Chris and Kelly to the entrance of The Spaghetti House. Derek rushed ahead of them, holding the door.
“Kelly and I are going to play a game of air hockey. Will you guys hold our table?” Chris took Kelly by the hand, leading her to the back.
Jared took a seat on the opposite side of the table, pretending to look through the menu. There were a few awkward glances followed by equally awkward smiles. Realizing Chris and Kelly wouldn’t be coming back as soon as he’d like, Jared put his menu on the table. “So, Derek, where are you from?”
“Maine. You?”
“A little town in North Dakota. Actually, every town in North Dakota is a little town. I’m not even sure why I said that. I’m sorry. I’m an idiot.” He looked down at the table, feeling the blood rush to his face.
Derek laughed, touching Jared’s arm. “You are just too damn cute.”
Jared stared, finding it hard to breathe. “Excuse me?”
Derek pulled his hand away. Shifting uncomfortably in his chair, he looked down at the table. “I’m sorry. That was really forward of me.”
“No. It’s all right. I was just... shocked. That’s all.”
“No! It’s not all right. We don’t even know each other, or if you actually are... gay.”
“If I’m...” Jared stopped, looking around to see if anyone was listening to them.
“It’s just that Kelly thought you might be then I met you and you’re really cute and sweet. I’m... I’m sorry. I made an assumption. I should’ve known it was too good to be true.” Derek leaned forward, putting his head in his hands. “I hope I didn’t offend you. If I did, I’m really sorry.”
“No, no. You didn’t offend me. It’s just... well, am I that obvious? I thought I was hiding it so well.” Jared touched his arm, laughing. “It’s just that no one’s ever told me that... that I was cute, I mean. Well, not in a long time anyway.”
Derek winked. “I find that really hard to believe.”
“Thank you. You just made my night. You’re pretty damn handsome yourself.”
“That’s sweet, but what else were you supposed to say?” Derek sat back in his chair. “Listen, can I have a redo?”
“I guess.”
Derek sat up, clearing his throat. “Jared? Would you ever go out with me? On a date? I mean... just the two of us?”
“I would love to.”
“Really? Cool. How about tomorrow night? After class? I know this great little place by campus. Actually, Kelly showed it to me. Do you like Thai?” The words flew from his mouth. He was unable to contain his excitement.
Kelly popped her head around the corner. “Is it safe to come back?”
“It’s safe.” Derek offered his chair, taking the seat next to Jared.
Pulling Chris from behind the wall she took her seat. She looked back and forth between them. “Well?”
“If you must know we have a date tomorrow night.” Derek placed his hand on Jared’s.
Jared’s heart raced, glancing around, wondering if anyone could see that their hands were touching. He fought the impulse to pull away.
“Sweet!” Chris punched Jared on the arm, smiling.
“Wait. You’re okay with this?”
“Dude, this is Seattle! No one cares. Relax.”
Jared’s mind raced. I can’t believe this is happening. I have a date. And he’s cute! He jumped as Derek pulled his hand closer.
Chris leaned across the table, lowering his voice. “Kelly and I will be gone most of the night tomorrow. You have the place all to yourselves.” Grinning, he put his arm around Kelly.
Kelly slapped Chris on the arm. “Stop it. Look at the poor guy. If he gets any redder his head will explode.”
Derek winked, stroking Jared’s face with his thumb.
Jared jumped up. “If you guys will excuse me, I’ve got to find the restroom.” He followed the sign into the back, past the game room. Locking the door, he leaned against it and sighed. The cold water splashing against his face made him shiver. He stared at his reflection in the mirror. “What is wrong with you? This could be amazing. He’s cute, sweet, and interested. You’ve dreamed of this. Why can’t you just accept it?” He shook his head. “You know why: Luke. It feels like you’re cheating on him.” He dried his face. “No! He left you! You have to get over this. It’s time to move on. You can do this!”
Jared threw the towel into the trash then joined Derek and the others at the table. “So? What did I miss?” He sat close to Derek, putting his arm around him. Derek smiled, snuggling into Jared’s side.
I’ve Never Been To Me
Luke walked into Heidi’s Place, requesting a table with Megan as his waitress. Once seated, he noticed awkward gazes in his direction. What is everyone’s problem? He forced a smile, looking around the room. Go to hell.
Megan placed a glass of water on his table. “What can I get you?”
Luke laughed, leaning back in his seat, arms crossed. “That’s it? We haven’t seen each other in over a year and all you can say is what can I get you? Kinda rude.”
“What?” Frowning, Megan looked up from her order pad. “Luke? Oh, my God!” She threw her arms around him. “How are you? It’s so good to see you!”
“You too! You look wonderful.”
“Thanks for lying to me. It’ll get you everywhere!” She sat across from him. “When did you get back to town?”
“A few days ago. I stopped in to see your mom and dad. They told me you worked here.”
She put her hand to her mouth. “Oh, no! You missed Jared! He just left a few days ago. He’s going to be so pissed.”
“Yeah, I heard.” Luke rolled a crumpled straw wrapper between his thumb and forefinger. “It’s all right. I’ll see him when he comes home.”
Smiling, Megan put a hand on his. “I can’t believe it’s you! How long are you back in town?”
“For good. I moved back. I’ve got an apartment over by the park. A friend of my uncle’s gave me a job working in his insurance office.”
“That’s great! I can’t tell you how happy I am to see a friendly face in this town.” She raised an eyebrow, looking around the room. “What can I get you?”
“How about a Coke?”
“Sure. I’ll be right back.”
Luke watched her walk away. I finally feel like I’m home.
Megan put the glass of Coke in front of him. “Here you go. The best Coke in town.” She laughed, sitting back down.
“Well I suppose I should eat something since I took this table.” He opened the menu.
Megan grabbed it away. “I’ll get you the special. It’s the only thing worth eating here today.”
Luke grabbed her hand. “I actually did come here to see you.” He sipped his Coke. His eyes stayed focused on the table. “I was kinda wondering... well, if you’d ever want to go out sometime.”
“Are you asking me out on a date?”
“It doesn’t have to be like that. I mean, you probably have a boyfriend. I was just wondering if we could hang out? You know, like the old days? It doesn’t have to be a date, date.” Luke looked away, feeling the blood rush to his cheeks.
“No. I’m not dating anyone.” Megan thought for a moment then chuckled. “Wouldn’t it be weird? I mean, I’ve always thought of you like a little brother.”
Luke put his head in his hands, laughing. “Sorry. You’re right. Bad idea. Forget it.” He took another sip. “You know what? Maybe I should just go.” He handed her some money.
Megan pushed his hand away. “Why not? I’d love to. You name the time and the place and I’ll be there.”
“Really?” Luke looked up at her smiling face. “Ummm... how about tomorrow night? Maybe we can catch the movie?”
Megan put her pad and a pen in front of him. “I’ll call you.”
Luke wrote his number and handed it back. “It’ll be fun. We’ll catch up.”
“I can’t wait.” She smiled over her shoulder before going to check on another table.
What the hell am I doing? Megan’s right. It’s a bad idea. I know I’ve got to move on, but is asking Jared’s sister on a date ‘moving on’? He jumped when Megan touched his arm as she passed. He smiled.
#
Luke looked at Megan who was lost in the movie. Trying hard to be a good date, he took a deep breath and put his arm around her. Why am I doing this? This is crazy.
They went for a walk after the movie. Megan filled him in on everything he’d missed while he was gone. Whenever she mentioned Jared, his heart would start to race.
“Enough about me. What about you?”
“I told you, I have an apartment and a job. Not much else to tell.” Luke gave her a smile, hoping the conversation would end there.
Megan wrapped her arm in his. “Luke. Come on. You know what I mean. What happened to you? Where were you all those months?”
He took a deep breath, trying to think of an explanation without telling what he’d really been through. “I went to school near my aunt and uncle. Mom and I hadn’t been getting along and we thought it was best for me to be out of the house.”
She stopped, turning to him. “Then why didn’t you call to let us know? One day you were just gone. We talked about you all the time. We were so worried.”
“I’m sorry. I tried, but... I just couldn’t.” Wiping a tear, he put his arm around her, continuing the walk. “Meg... how did Jared do while I was gone? Was he all right?”
“We were worried about him for a while. He didn’t talk to anyone. I’d never seen him so depressed.” She shook her head. “Then he was angry. He never talked about how he felt, but I knew. I could tell. I’d look in his room and catch him staring at the photo of the two of you from Prom. It took him a long time before he started acting more like himself.”
Luke stared into the distance. Looking across the gravel road, he caught sight of the train car. “He’s doing all right now though, right?”
“I think so. We don’t hear from him much. He seems pretty busy with classes and projects. Sounds like he’s made some friends. Seems like he’s thriving out there so I guess he’s doing all right.”
Luke noticed her sober expression. “What? You don’t look very happy about it.”
“No. I am. I just... miss him. I didn’t think I’d miss him this much. You know?” She wiped away a tear and chuckled.
Pulling her close, he kissed her on the forehead. “Yeah, I do know.” He walked her to the door and kissed her cheek. “Thanks for coming out with me. It was great spending time with you. I’ve missed you all so much. You have no idea.”
Megan took him into a hug. “It’s good to have you home.”
Candace opened the door, popping her head out. “Hey you guys. Did you have fun?”
“Yes, we did.” Megan looked back at Luke, smiling. “I hope we can do it again.”
“Anytime you want. It’s getting old sitting in that apartment by myself.”
“Luke, why don’t you come over for supper tomorrow night? To celebrate your coming home. It’s awfully quiet in the house now that Jared’s gone and with Megan working all the time. It would be nice to have you around again. You’re family.” Candace reached out, taking his hand.
Luke gave her a smile. “I’d love to.” His voice broke.
“Wonderful! See you tomorrow around six-ish.” Candace disappeared into the house.
Luke wrapped his arms around Megan, holding her close. “Thank you so much for a great night. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Yeah, see you tomorrow. Thanks for everything.” Megan went into the house and closed the door.
Luke walked down the driveway; a path he’d walked a hundred times before. Looking at his mother’s house, he noticed the light on in the living room. He walked closer. Peeking through the window he saw his mom sitting on the couch. He stiffened, wiping the tears from his eyes. How could you do that to me?
Ellen screamed Susie’s name, flying off the couch and disappearing into the hallway. “I’m sorry, Susie. I wish I could get you away from her.” Staring up at the sky, he shook his head. “I’ve got so much to figure out.”
Always on my Mind
May 1997
Derek and Jared sat on a blanket in their favorite spot in Seward Park. They’d taken the bus from campus in order to work on their final sophomore project.
Watching Derek reading, Jared kicked his foot. Derek glanced up, giving a knowing look before getting back to work.
Jared sat up, stealing the notebook away. “Derek, come on. Let’s do something. We can work on this later.”
“This is due next week. I just want to get it done, then we don’t have to worry about it.” He grabbed his notebook back.
Raising an eyebrow, Jared moved across the blanket and lay next to him. He blew in Derek’s ear.
“Stop it.”
Jared tickled him.
Derek closed the notebook with a sigh. “Why can’t I ever say no to you?” He smiled, shaking his head. “Fine. What do you want to do?”
Jared jumped up, picking up their things, stopping when he heard someone call out.
“Jared Montgomery?”
Turning, he saw a familiar smiling face walking toward him. “Phillip? What on earth are you doing here?”
Phillip embraced him. “The same as you, I imagine. I heard you were here for school. How are you liking it?”
“I love it. Isn’t it a great city? It’s sure not like back home.”
“No kidding.” Phillip smiled, looking away. He rubbed his arm. “Speaking of back home, there’s something I’ve wanted to ask you for years now.” His face blushed.
Jared hesitated, looking back at Derek. “I know what you’re going to ask. Yes. I’m gay.” He stiffened, waiting for Phillip’s response.
Phillip grinned. “I know. I was wondering if you’d ever go out with me sometime.” He looked at the ground.
“Phillip? Wow. That’s sweet, but...”
Phillip put his hand up. “Never mind. I didn’t think so. You’re still mad. He told you, didn’t he?”
Jared stared at him. “Mad? Why would I be mad? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Shaking his head, Phillip looked at him with a sneer. “You’re still mad because I made-out with your boyfriend, Luke.”
