The view from a rusty tr.., p.26
The View From A Rusty Train Car, page 26
If Love Were All
Megan scurried away from the window as Jared turned off the lights and headed toward the house. She sat at the kitchen table, unable to look at him as he entered.
Jared stared at the letter in front of her.
“I got one too.” Megan looked at the train car and letters in his hand. “Are you all right?”
Taking a seat across from her, Jared put them on the table. “Am I all right? What about you?” He reached for her hand.
“No!” Megan shook her head, pulling her hand away. “Don’t do this. Don’t... pity me. I don’t know why I’m acting shocked. I found one of yours awhile ago. I wasn’t sure what it all meant. I needed to know so I’d read them... all of them. I knew where he kept them.” She stood, moving to the kitchen window. “It’s not a huge surprise, Jared!” She turned to face him, giving a weak laugh, unable to stop the sneer on her lips. “I’ve always suspected. I just didn’t want to believe it.”
“What?”
“I was such a fool. I remember seeing you guys a couple times holding each other. I told myself it was nothing. You were just close friends. Then after you left and he was sick, he was so distant. He was always depressed... lost in thought, you know? Then I found the letters. He never stopped trying to find you.” Clenching her jaw, she tried to keep herself from crying. “I knew. I guess I’ve always known.”
“What do you mean you’ve always known?” Jared’s voice was measured, dripping with acid.
Her hand clenched into a fist. She wanted to hurt him as much as she hurt.
“Answer me!”
“No! I don’t want to talk about it now!”
Jared stared at her then rushed into the hallway. “No. Wait.” He appeared in the doorway. “If you’ve always known, why did you marry him? You knew how I felt about him!”
“Because I didn’t know how he felt! Not then.”
“Why didn’t you divorce him, let him go when you did find out?”
Megan leaned against the wall. She hung her head, staring at the floor. “I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said no.” She looked up at him. “He never knew that I figured it out and I didn’t know what to say to him about it.”
“You didn’t need him to do it. You could’ve divorced him!” Jared slammed the door jamb with his hand. “He might have come back to me.”
“Why, Jared?” Megan ran to him, standing in his face. “You never answered one of his letters. You never called him.”
“I can’t believe this! I can’t believe you did this to me!” Jared stormed out of the room.
Grabbing his shoulder she turned him, finger pointed in his face. “Don’t you dare make me the villain in this! He was my husband, Jared! I loved him. Was I just supposed to push him away? Just let him go? If he wanted to, he could’ve left!”
“He would’ve never left you! You know that.” Jared pushed her arm down. “You didn’t give a damn about him!” He ran to his room.
“Jared, if I knew for sure he wanted to leave, I would have let him go!” She stood in the doorway, watching him pack. “After he got sick, I had to stay with him. He needed someone to be with him. Do you think it was easy living this last year watching him die and not being able to do a damn thing about it except help him walk or make him food? All the time knowing that I was just a pathetic substitute for you?”
Jared threw his overnight bag onto the bed. “I can’t do this! I’ve got to get out of here!” He closed his suitcase.
“Where are you going?” Megan grabbed his shoulders.
“Leave me alone.” Jared pushed his way into the hall.
“You haven’t changed at all, have you?” Megan crossed her arms, walking toward him. She yelled as he opened the door. “That’s right, just run away like you’ve done your whole life.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Jared turned, glaring at her.
“Maybe if you’d stayed and fought for him, things would’ve turned out differently. You ever thought about that?” Shaking her head, she chuckled. “He disappears, so you run off to Seattle. You find out he’s getting married, you run off and head across the world. You run at the slightest bit of trouble. You’ve never taken one bit of responsibility for what happens to you. This is just as much your fault as anyone’s.”
“Are you kidding me?” The luggage dropped to the floor. Jared marched up to her. “I tried to stop you from getting married. Remember?”
“You told me I shouldn’t marry him! That’s it. No explanation. Nothing.”
“No one would let me talk to you!”
“Fine.” Megan chuckled, leaning against the wall. “What do you want from me? I’m sorry? Okay. I’m sorry. I thought it would all work out... somehow. We talked about you before we got married. When I asked him about how he felt knowing you were in love with him, he said he loved you in some way and he wished he could be that person for you, but he couldn’t. I believed him. He talked about having a family and I let myself believe he didn’t feel for you like you did for him.” She put her head in her hands. “When I found out how he really felt, I thought if I stayed married to him, you’d be able to see each other. He’d get better, you’d come home once in a while and you’d both be happy to see each other. You could stay close friends and everything would be fine. Why do you think I tried so hard to get hold of you? I wanted you in each other’s lives.”
“Are you kidding me? How Meg? How was it supposed to work out? What exactly did you imagine? We’d all get together for Christmas and New Year’s. You’d look the other way while Luke and I would sneak off for a quick fuck and everyone would live happily ever?”
Rage shot through her. Megan slapped him across the face. “I didn’t know about any of that! I loved him and I wanted what was best for him. I never ran away even though I might have had every right to. I was always there for him. That’s more than you can say!” Pushing him aside, she walked down the hall. She stopped, turning back to him. “If this is too much for you, go ahead and leave, Jared. I took care of your lover alone; I sure as hell can bury him alone.” She turned away, flinching as the door slammed behind her.
As she turned into the kitchen, her eyes fell on the stack of letters on the table. She sat, laid her head on her arm, staring at the train car with Luke and Jared’s initials.
#
Another set of headlights flashed though Megan’s room. She jumped up, straining to see if Jared was coming back. These lights didn’t pass like all the others. She looked at the clock. 2:20 a.m. I have to find him. She threw on her robe and ran to the door. She jumped, seeing Jared standing on the other side. “You scared me.”
“Is it all right if I still stay here?” Jared wiped his eyes. “I’ll understand if you say no.”
“Of course you can.” Megan grabbed his hand, pulling him into the room. “Jared, listen. I’m so sorry for what I said!”
“No! Don’t apologize.” Jared shook his head. “You’re absolutely right. I’m a selfish asshole. I always have been. I’m sorry for what I said. I have no excuse for it.”
“I was wrong to talk to you like that.” Megan sat beside him, taking his hand.
“Sweetie, it’s about time someone did. Someone should have done that years ago. I’ve lived my life like a spoiled brat.”
Megan smirked, raising an eyebrow. “I won’t argue with you.”
“I don’t know why I said some of those things... blaming you for this mess.” Jared looked at her, lip quivering. “I’m so sorry.”
“There’s enough blame to go around.” Megan kissed his cheek. “No one was innocent in this. You were right. I could have left him. He could have left. You could have been here. We’re just upset and taking it out on each other. The fact is it didn’t work out for any of us.”
“I did love him.”
Megan put her arm around him, rocking. She stroked his hair. “I know, Honey. I know. I did too.”
“I know you did, Meg. I was so busy thinking of myself that I didn’t think about how you felt. You lost your husband.”
“We both lost him.” Megan patted his knee then went to the closet. “I’m just glad you came back. I was wrong. I can’t do this without you.”
“What can I do to help?”
Megan searched through Luke’s clothes. “I have a meeting with the funeral home tomorrow morning. I’m supposed to pick out clothes for him.”
“Meg?” Jared put his hand on her shoulder. “Can I go with you?”
“I was hoping you would.” She wrapped her arms around him. Wiping tears away, she turned back to the closet. “Help me figure out what he should wear?” After looking through a few more, she stopped. “Jared?”
“What is it?”
“While you were gone, I was thinking and it occurred to me – I didn’t know him. All of our conversations were about his health and what was the next course of action. We never talked about the little things, like his favorite music or his favorite color. Did you ever talk about things like that with him?”
A smile came to Jared’s face as he stared into the closet. “It won’t come as much of a surprise to you, but we spent a lot of time talking about me and what I wanted to talk about.” He laughed. “But, yeah, we did talk about things like that.”
“Will you tell me things about him?”
Jared put an arm around her. “Well, he loved any music that had a strong beat to it. He loved dance music. His favorite color was orange.”
“Orange? Seriously?”
“Yeah, I didn’t get it either.” Jared sat on the edge of the bed. “He loved sports of all kinds. We were complete opposites about that.”
“That I did know.” Megan rolled her eyes. “He watched anything and everything that came on T.V.” Her hands stopped. She looked at Jared, a smile on his face as he stared at the wall. She sat on the bed next to him, wrapping her arm in his. “Was he romantic with you?”
“Not on his own. I did a lot of pouting and hinting, but every once in a while he’d surprise me.” Jared laid his head on her shoulder. “How about with you?”
“Not really, but he was always very sweet. He was one of the kindest people I ever met.” She noticed a sober expression on his face as he stared into the closet.
Jared went to the closet and pulled out a pair of jeans that were hanging askew. He took them off the hanger and held them to his chest.
“Are you all right?” Megan put her hand on his shoulder.
“Do you think he could still fit these?”
“Those old things! They’re worn out.” Megan laughed, shaking her head then stared at them. “I tried a hundred times to get rid of those, but they would always end up back in here. I just gave up. He wore them whenever he’d go for his walks or work out in the garage on his projects.”
“Can he wear them?”
“What? Why?”
“Please?”
Megan could tell by the look on his face that it was important. “Sure, if that’s what you want.”
“Thank you!” He folded them and placed them on the bed.
“No one will see them anyway. We’ll put this shirt on him.” Megan pulled an orange dress shirt from the closet. “I always wondered about it.”
Jared laughed, laying it over the jeans. “Perfect.”
Megan saw him yawn, his eyes getting heavy. “You better get to bed. We have to be there early... and don’t forget Mom and Dad will be coming over right away, I’m sure. I know how much you’re looking forward to that.”
Jared raised his eyebrow. “That should be fun.”
“I forgot to tell you that I got hold of Susie earlier. She’s devastated, of course. She’s trying to get a flight home as soon as possible. She was so glad to hear that you were with me. She’s looking forward to seeing you.” Megan led him to the door.
“I was going to ask about her. It’ll be great to see her.” Jared kissed Megan on the cheek. “You get some sleep too. It’s going to be a long couple of days.”
Megan looked down at the jeans then back to Jared. “They were yours, weren’t they?”
“What?”
“The jeans... you gave them to him, didn’t you?”
“Yeah, I did.”
“I thought so.” She hugged him. “See you in the morning. Love you.”
“Love you too. Good night.” Jared closed the door behind him.
Megan crawled into bed and turned off the light. She stared at the ceiling then started to giggle and rolled over to look at the picture of Luke on her nightstand. “Really, Luke? Orange?” Grabbing his pillow, she snuggled it, brushed a tear away then closed her eyes. “He came back to us, Sweetie. I wish you were here for him.”
Struck by Lightning
Jared looked out the window, chewing on a fingernail as he waited for his parents’ arrival. His stomach was in knots. What in the hell am I going to say to them?
“I’m surprised they’re not here yet.”
He jumped at the sound of Megan’s voice. “What? I was just checking the weather. Nice out, isn’t it?”
“It’s going to be fine.” Megan put her arms around him. “Mom’s beside herself knowing you’re here. I feel sorry for Dad. I can hear her, ‘Drive faster... slow down... drive faster.’ He’s going to be a wreck when he gets here!”
Jared couldn’t help laughing. “No kidding!” He looked out the window at a passing car, relaxing again when it turned out not to be them. “It’s going to be so awkward.”
“They love you. That’s all that matters. You’ll figure it out.” Megan kissed him on the head then walked away.
Another car came toward the house. This time it was Candace and Michael. He held his breath, seeing his mother jump out of the car and run up the sidewalk. They’ve aged. How long was I gone? He stepped to the side, his mother on a collision course with the door.
It flew open and Candace called out. “Meg?” Her jaw dropped seeing Jared standing in the hallway. Hands to her face, tears rolling down her cheeks, she ran to him, holding him tight. “Oh, my God! I can’t believe it! It’s you! You’re here.”
“Hi, Mom.” Jared whispered, voice broken. He pulled away, took her hands and looked at her. “You look wonderful!”
“You look thin! Are you all right? Are you sick? How are you?”
He couldn’t help chuckling. “Mom, I’m fine. Just a little tired. How are you?”
“We’re fine, aren’t we Mike?” Getting no response, she looked over her shoulder then out the door.
Mike stood on the sidewalk watching the traffic, smoking his pipe.
Jared stood behind his mother, his hands on her shoulders. “It looks like he’s really excited to see me.”
“Jared, please? Don’t start that. Not now.” She shook her head, turning to him. “Where’s Megan? How is she?”
“In the kitchen. She’s strong. She’s going to be fine.”
“I’ll go find her.” About to walk down the hall, Candace stopped, turning back. “Go out and talk to him, Jared. He’s not sure where to start.” She kissed him on the cheek then went to the kitchen.
Jared watched Mike for a moment, trying to chase away the feeling of wanting to scream at him. The memories of their last few encounters were ever present. It’s for Mom. He walked outside and stood beside his father. “Hi, Dad. It’s good to see you.”
“Jared.” Mike kept his gaze fixed on the distance.
They stood in silence. Jared looked at him then at the ground. “How are you?”
“Good.”
“Fine. Sorry to bother you.” Jared shook his head then walked back to the house.
“What do you want me to say, Jared?” Mike finally turned to him. “It’s good to see you? You look good? All that shit?”
“Actually, I didn’t expect anything from you.” Jared’s hands and teeth were clenched.
“You haven’t talked to us in years. We didn’t know if you were alive or dead most of the time. You just vanished.” Mike repacked his pipe. “Sorry if I don’t feel like making small talk. I’m so damn mad at you that I’m afraid to say anything. I’m not sure how nice it’ll be.”
Jared walked to his father, hands on hips. “That’s funny. I left because that’s what you wanted. Remember?”
Finger wagging, Mike stood face to face with his son. “That’s not what I wanted and you know it.”
“Really? Because that’s what I seem to remember you yelling as I lay on the sidewalk outside the church.” Jared turned and walked into the house, door slamming behind him.
Mike followed, stopping him in the entryway. “We all tried to get hold of you... your mom, Meg, Luke, but nothing... never a word from you.”
“Oh yes, Dad. The messages from you were so warm and cuddly. I could feel the love oozing from your voice! It made me want to call you right back. But you know what? You’re right about one thing: I should’ve talked to someone.”
“You’re damn right! Now you’re back here pretending like you care. You don’t have to pretend for me.” Mike pushed past him, disappearing into the kitchen.
“Wait one minute!” Jared followed. “I’m not taking the blame for this. You had my address. I sure didn’t see you busting down my door. The planes fly in both directions, you know.”
“You made it perfectly clear that you wanted nothing to do with us.”
“Funny! You did the same to me.” Jared looked at Megan. “I’m sorry, Meg. This should’ve waited, but here it is.” He walked to her, took her hand. “You see, Meg, all of my faults that we talked about last night; the running away from things, the not taking responsibility...”
Megan gripped his arm. “Jared, we talked about this. I said I was sorry.”
“I know, but you were right.” Jared patted her hand, looking at his father. “I learned from the master.”
Mike stared at him. “What are you implying?”
“I’m not implying. I’m saying it. I learned it all from you!” Jared turned to Megan. “I take responsibility for my faults and failings. If you want to list them, I’ll start it for you, but I assure you we don’t have time for all of them.”
