The view from a rusty tr.., p.14
The View From A Rusty Train Car, page 14
“I’m sure. It’s a big decision. I’d be freaking out!” Jared laughed. Come on. Tell her.
Megan’s face turned solemn, putting the veil back on the counter. “You know him better than anyone. Am I doing the right thing?”
Heart beating rapidly, Jared stared at her.
Megan paced back and forth. “I know he’s a great guy, and I do love him, but our relationship has been so up and down. One day he was so sure we should get married. The next day he’d tell me that he was no good and had really screwed up and wasn’t worthy of me.” She wandered to the bathroom for a tissue.
Jared followed, standing in the doorway. He could feel his heart pound in his throat, took several deep breaths, trying to calm himself.
“I know you don’t want to hear about this, but it’s just that... well... we’ve never even... you know. I tried, but every time we’d get close he’d have to leave or it wasn’t the right time. I don’t know.”
Jared closed his eyes, cringed thinking about it.
“It took me the longest time to not feel creepy about holding his hand. He was like a little brother for so long. Maybe he can’t get past that. Maybe he thinks of me like a sister and he’s only marrying me because there’s no one else left!” Megan looked at Jared’s reflection in the mirror. “Jared. Help me! What do you think? Should I marry him?”
Jared looked down, thought a moment then looked back at his sister. “No, I don’t think you should.”
Megan’s face turned pale. “What?”
“I know you think it’s just nerves.” He took her by the hand. “But you’re right; you shouldn’t marry him. He’s not right for you.”
Megan sat on the bed. “Why? What do you mean?”
Jared knelt beside her, taking her hands in his. “Meg, he’s...”
“What in the hell do you think you’re doing?” Mike’s angry voice yelled from the doorway. Candace and Mike stared at him. His father looked angry, his mother mortified.
Candace darted in, pulling Jared to his feet. “Why are you doing this to your sister?” She pushed him into the hall toward his father.
Megan followed, reaching for him. “Jared. Why? Why shouldn’t I?” Her voice sounded desperate.
“Don’t listen to him, Megan. You just get ready. There’s a lot to do. I’ll be right back to help you.” Candace pushed her back in the room and closed the door.
Looking at his parents, Jared took a deep breath. He ran to her door and pounded “Don’t do it, Meg. Just trust me. Please!”
Mike grabbed him by the back of the shirt and dragged him down the hall. He threw him into his room. Jared fell over his luggage, landing on the floor.
Candace ran into the room, her face red and twisted. “What in the hell is wrong with you?”
Jared ran to her, holding her by the shoulders. “You don’t understand! I can’t let this happen!”
Mike shook his head. “I know exactly what you’re trying to do. You’re jealous. I know all about what you really think of Luke.”
“What are you talking about?” Candace looked at him, a puzzled expression on her face.
Mike opened the top drawer of the desk and took out a notebook. “I found this when I was cleaning out his room. I didn’t want you to see it.” He tossed it to Candace.
Jared tried to grab it from her. “No! Give me that. That’s private.” Mike restrained him.
Candace paged through it. “Michael? What is it?”
“Go ahead. Tell her, Jared. Tell her about how you dreamed of you and Luke… all the sick, perverted shit you have written in there.”
“You had no right to read that!” Jared pulled away from him.
“It’s a bunch of filth. It made me sick. I didn’t want your mother to know about it. I thought you getting away from here would help, that you would outgrow it. Obviously I was wrong.” Michael stormed off leaving Candace staring at Jared.
He buried his head in his arms and slid down the wall.
Candace put the journal on the desk. “What does all this mean?”
“Come on, Mom. Do I have to spell it out? I’m gay.” Seeing the shock on her face, Jared sobbed.
Candace reached for the wall to steady herself. “No, God. Jared, it’s not true.” Covering her mouth, she muffled her cries. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I’m very sorry. Your sister is getting married in two hours. Your tux is in the closet. We’ll talk about this later.” Her face was devoid of emotion.
Jared wiped his eyes. “What tux?”
“This one.” Candace opened the closet door, took out a garment bag, and laid it on the bed. “You’re the Best Man.” She left the room.
“Over my dead body! There’s no way I’m going to that wedding!” Jared caught her on the stairs.
Candace put her hand up. “Jared, please. I’m begging you. Don’t ruin this day any more than you already have.”
Jared was about to follow, but stopped in his tracks. His parents were arguing on the landing. He heard a car pull up outside. Holding his breath, he went to the window. Luke parked the car in the middle of the street, leaving the door wide open. Jared could hear Luke ask about him then Candace say he was there and getting ready. Footsteps came down the stairs; Jared grabbed his luggage and burst into the hallway.
Seeing Megan standing in her doorway, Jared looked at her then up the stairs at Luke.
Luke reached out to him. “Jared, I really need to talk to you.”
“I have nothing left to say to you.” Holding his luggage in front of him, Jared pushed him to the side and made it to the front door. He took one last look at his sister. “I love you, Meg.”
Megan ran up the stairs. “Someone, stop him!”
Already down the driveway, Jared looked over his shoulder and saw his father pushing her back into the house. He blocked the door.
“Let him go. He’s not wanted here.” Mike was now restraining both Megan and Luke.
Jared jumped into Luke’s car that was still running.
Luke struggled to get free from Mike. “Jed! Stop! Please!”
Shaking his head, Jared put the car in gear and sped-off. His eyes burned, sore from the tears. He watched in the rear-view mirror for anyone who might try to follow him. “God, why? Why is this happening?” He slammed his hands against the steering wheel.
True Colors
Luke lifted his hand to knock on Megan’s door. Hearing her crying on the other side, he stepped back and sat down on the stairs. What did you say, Jared? Why is everyone so upset? A thousand scenarios ran through his head. Please, God! Don’t let it be that he told them about last night. It was just a moment of weakness. I was just confused! He shook his head, placing it into his hands. What was I thinking? I thought I was past this with him.
Megan’s bedroom door opened. She jumped seeing Luke on the stairs. “Luke! You scared me. What are you doing out here?”
Luke studied her face. “We need to talk.”
“Yes, I know.” Megan opened the door, motioning him inside.
He thought about where to start as he walked into the room.
Megan sat on the bed, looking up at him. “So you must’ve heard.”
“No, actually, I haven’t. What happened?” Luke swallowed hard.
“Jared’s gay.” She stared out the window. “It was strange to hear it, but I already knew. My dad’s furious. Mom hasn’t said much of anything. She’s just been crying.” Turning to him, she raised an eyebrow. “Did you know?”
“Yeah, I did.”
“So you knew he was in love with you?” Megan paced around the room. “Oh, my God. Is that why you left? He told you, didn’t he? That’s why you left... why you never called or wrote him.”
Taking her arm, Luke led her to the bed. “Leaving wasn’t my choice. Yes, I knew he was gay, but I didn’t care. He was my best friend. I love him.” He caressed her face. “What about you? Are you okay with it?”
Megan thought a moment. “Yeah, I’m fine. I don’t care. As long as he’s happy I don’t care.” She smiled at him.
“You still want to marry me?”
“Of course I do… if you still want to marry me.” Megan looked in his eyes.
Luke kissed her hand. “I better let you finish getting ready. I’m going to see if I can find Jared.”
Megan looked at the clock. “No! You can’t go. We’ve got to be at the church in twenty minutes.” She shook her head. “This is not the way I wanted my wedding day to be. I wanted Jared there.”
“I know. I did too.” Luke kissed her cheek.
“I hope there’s no truth about it being bad luck to see the bride before the wedding.” She winked at him. “Now go. You’ve got to get ready.”
“Okay. See you in a few. My tux is at the church. I’ll see you there.” Luke closed the door and went up the stairs.
Candace caught him at the door. “Luke! Are you two all right?”
“We’re fine. I’m just heading to the church to get ready.” Stepping out the door, he stopped, turning back to her. “Any chance I can borrow a car? My car seems to have disappeared.”
“Of course.” Candace ran to her purse, pulled out some keys then threw them to him. “Take mine.”
“Thanks. See you later.” Luke looked around as he pulled away, hoping to see Jared. “Where did you go?” Approaching the gravel road, he stopped. “The train car. That’s where he always goes when he’s upset.” Looking at the clock, he shook his head. “I have to check.” He pulled the car over and ran to the train car. “Jared? Jared, are you in there?” There was no response. He turned to head back to the car, but stopped, looking at the train car again. “I have to make sure.” He climbed to the top, opened the hatch and dropped inside. Jared wasn’t there.
Alone in the train car, Luke’s thoughts turned to what was happening. “What am I doing? I’m supposed to be getting married and I’m chasing after Jed?” He shook his head, leaning against a beam. His gaze fixed on their initials on the wall. Walking over to it, he traced them with his finger; thoughts of that night swirled in his head. “I do love you. I wish I could be who you want me to be. I just can’t.” Tears rolled down his cheeks. He looked at his watch, realizing everyone was probably gathering at the church and he was nowhere to be seen. “It’s too late. I can’t do that to her, Jed. I’ve made my decision... now I have to live with it.” He took one last look at the wall.
“L Loves J – Forever”
Wiping tears away, he climbed the ladder to the top. “You must hate me so much right now, Jed. I’m so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.” He stared into the distance. One question plagued him: Why didn’t he tell anyone about what happened between us? Walking through the tall grass, heading for the car, he looked back at the train car. He didn’t tell because he loves you… and this is how you repay him? He’s better off without you.
Leave Your Dreams Behind
“What do I do? Where do I go?” Jared saw the bar, cranked the steering wheel to turn into the parking lot. He pulled around back where he wouldn’t be seen. With a quick glance, he checked to make sure he had a clear shot for the door. Before he could start across the pavement, someone yelled. He jumped then realized it wasn’t at him.
He looked through the dim light inside. Years of smoke had stained the walls a sickening shade of yellow. The smell of stale beer and musty curtains overwhelmed him. Avoiding eye contact with anyone, he found a booth that was tucked away in a corner on the empty side of the bar. It was out of view from the front windows.
“What can I get you?”
The waitress looked like she just walked out of a movie. Her hair was blonde, permed to within an inch of its life. The lines in her face revealed too many long nights of boring stories and attempts at ‘brown bottle’ psychology for the drunks crying into their whiskey.
Knowing his options would be limited, he thought of the simplest drink he could. “Whiskey/Coke?”
“Sure.”
Nothing changes. I knew they wouldn’t ask for any ID. Jared glanced up when he heard whispers at the bar. People were staring at him.
After a few moments, one of them got off his stool and approached him. “Aren’t you Mike and Candy’s boy?”
“Yeah. Jared.” He offered his hand.
The old guy shook it. “I told them you were the Montgomery boy, but they kept arguing with me.” He gave his friends at the bar a thumbs-up. “Ain’t your sister getting married this afternoon? You having a little pre-celebration celebration?”
Jared chuckled. “Something like that.”
“Tell everyone congrats from Ernie.” Smiling, he went back to his seat.
The waitress placed the whiskey/Coke in front of Jared. “You want to start a tab?”
Jared took a sip while he considered the suggestion. “Yes. Thank you.”
An hour and four drinks later, Jared looked at his watch. The wedding would have started. “I better go give my best to the newlyweds.”
He stumbled over his own feet, fell back into the booth then laughed; everything seemed funny. His entire body felt numb. With the help of the table, he pushed himself up. He swayed while groping for his wallet, catching himself before toppling over. Unable to count the money, he handed over the wad of cash to pay his tab. “Thanks.” The door jamb jumped up in front of him. His foot caught it, throwing him to the ground.
The waitress rushed to him. “Sir? Are you all right?”
“I’m fine. I gotta get to my sister’s wedding.” Jared tried to sound as sober as possible.
“I think I should call someone for you.” She grabbed the phone then started dialing.
“No, no, no. I’m all right. The church is just down the block.” Back on his feet, Jared waved at everyone. “Thanks for everything. Nice to see you guys. Take care of yourselves.” They laughed, waving back.
Convinced he was doing a great job passing as stone-cold sober, Jared chuckled as he climbed into the car. As he grabbed the steering wheel, everything outside appeared out of focus, swirling. “She was right. I shouldn’t be driving.” He looked down the alley, he could see the church. “It’s not that far.” Jared drove to the church where he found a spot that required little effort to park. He could hear music as he walked up to the front doors. With one last deep breath he steadied himself. There was no one in the entryway, so he slipped in, hiding behind the door.
The priest instructed Luke and Megan to turn to the congregation. When they did, the smiles melted from their faces at the sight of Jared standing in the back. The entire congregation followed their gaze, watching as he teetered back and forth.
“It’s my pleasure to present to you, Mr. and Mrs. Lucas and Megan Morrison.” Father George started the applause. The congregation joined in as the recessional music started.
Luke and Megan strolled down the aisle, smiling to the people as they passed. The ushers opened the doors, pushing Jared to the side. He reached out to Megan.
“Thanks for being here.” Megan tried to take his hand, but Jared was swallowed by the surging crowd that was trying to get to the newly married couple.
Fighting his way through, a firm hand on his shoulder stopped him.
“My God, Jared! You reek of booze! Get out of here.” Mike shook him.
Pulling away from his father, he turned to face him. “Not until I say congratulations to my sister.” Before Mike could grab him again, he disappeared into the crowd.
Megan and Luke stood in the receiving line, hugging people and engaging in small talk as they made their way to the church basement for the reception.
Luke looked at Jared, leaned in and whispered to Megan. Smiling, he approached Jared, placing a hand on his arm. “Jared, it means a lot that you came.”
Jared grabbed his hand, threw it off. “Don’t touch me.” He stared into Luke’s eyes as he walked past. He reached out once more for Megan. “Congratulations, Sis. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin everything.”
Megan cried, pulling him into an embrace. “I’m just so glad you decided to come.”
“We both are.” Luke placed his hand on Jared’s shoulder.
Jared pulled away from Megan. “I said ‘don’t touch me’.” He swung, planted a fist on Luke’s jaw, throwing him backward.
The church erupted into chaos. Megan pushed Jared aside, running to Luke. She helped him up, glaring at Jared, a tear in her eye. “Why are you doing this?”
The ushers dragged Jared from the church, throwing him onto the sidewalk.
“Get the hell out of here! You’re not welcome.” Mike held Candace in the doorway, her face buried in his arm.
Jared rolled onto his side, looking at his parents as he tried to get up. “I...” There was nothing he wanted to say. He scrambled to stand then ran for the car.
“Jared.” Candace ran toward him. “Where are you going?”
Mike grabbed her arm, ushering her back to the church. “Who cares? I don’t care if I ever see him again.”
Pushing away from him, Candace ran toward Jared, stopping at the top of the stairs that led to the street. “Why, Jared?”
Jared looked at his mother. “It’s too late. It doesn’t matter.” He got into the car then pulled away.
An hour later Jared passed the sign telling him he was halfway to Gaylesburg. “Don’t fall asleep.” He turned up the radio and rolled down the window for fresh air. “I need to get the hell away from here.”
Feeling drowsy, he stopped at a liquor store, across the street from a little motel. He purchased a large bottle of whiskey and a pack of cigarettes. The parking lot of the motel was nearly empty. Jared pulled up to the door leading to the front desk. “Do you have any rooms available?”
