Never too late, p.14
Never Too Late, page 14
“I don’t know if I can say I’m strong,” she hums. “But I can say I’m coping, I think? I miss Lottie. I will never understand why what happened, happened. I will never understand her actions, and honestly, I don’t think I ever will. She’s gone. No amount of sadness, anger, or tears can bring her back. You and Jae though. That’s something different. You have something special. I notice it when he speaks about you, his eyes twinkle. He was the first real friend I made when I moved back here. He didn’t ask questions; he didn’t force friendship. He just made sure I knew he was there and that he cared.” I smile at her answer as my eyes start to water. She has explained him perfectly. The way she speaks about him is as though she’s known him for years. She’s proud. Of course she is. He has that ability to make people feel as though they’ve known him for lifetimes.
“I know something happened between the two of you, I don’t know everything, but I know enough. And the moment I mentioned his name in the café when you were unsure about who he was, I noticed the uncertainty, but beneath it, I saw the same twinkle in your eyes as his. I saw the love. People don’t realise just how much being in love wears you like a second layer of clothing. Like armour.” She pauses, taking in a deep breath. “I could feel it.” She picks up her side of the blanket, wrapping it around her shoulders instead of laying it on her knees.
“He loves you, Dax, I don’t think he ever stopped. I don’t think he could if he tried.”
That can’t be true. I’ve hurt him, there’s no way he could still love me.
I pull the edge of my sleeve to my fingertips, resisting the urge to bring it to my mouth and bite. Instead, I inhale a deep breath. “He can’t love me, Idah. I’m broken.”
“Grief doesn’t make you broken. Being depressed doesn’t make you broken either. Fuck broken. What does broken mean, anyway? Since when did that become a term to define somebody? Because in my eyes, Dax, you’re a person. You’re an inspirational, kind, loving person. And if that makes you broken, then I guess I must be broken too.” She links her arm around mine, pulling herself close to my body, leaning her head on my shoulder while I rest my head on top of hers.
Idah has such a spark in her, she could light up the night sky alone. I thought maybe I would get jealous of someone being close to Jae, and I would want to be in their place. But with her, I feel nothing but calmness, joy and ease. I judged too quickly. She’s special.
Hopefully we can be good for her too.
“What if I'm too late? What if I’m not who he wants anymore, what if the voices in my head are right, what if he really is better without me?” I bring my arm around her shoulder, pulling her in for support.
“Dax, you have a guy who is madly in love with you, begging for you to see it. Begging for you to be with him. Please, hold onto him and never let him go. I know he’s still holding on to you. And please remember, no matter how difficult things may feel, it’s never too late.”
I kiss the top of her head and pull her in closer for a hug. "Thank you.”
And I smile. Not to hide sadness, because I am full of hope.
Not only did seeing Mum give me the wake-up call I needed, but seeing Idah did, too.
It’s time to fight for what I want.
My sunshine.
Chapter twenty-five
Jae
“I regret telling you to stop writing to me. I just want to read your words, anything. I miss you. I wish you could feel how much agony I'm filled with, not knowing how you are or if you're even alive.”
With the warm weather finally making an appearance, I decide to take advantage of the heat and get into the garden. I never would have thought this is what I would do after leaving the army, but I also never thought the love of my life would be in the same town as me again either. So here we are. I’ve avoided going to the high street and cemetery. Idah has come round to see me a handful of times, but I think it’s best to stay away. At least for now.
Guilt and confusion eat me alive. But more so, anger, towards no one else but myself. I didn’t want to scare Dax off the way I did. The image of him running away taunts my mind, leaving me feeling nothing but sadness. I shouldn’t have chased after him the way I did. It was the last thing I would have ever wanted, but as soon as I saw him in front of me, my heart sped up a million miles an hour. I had to be near him. I couldn’t stand the distance between us anymore and before I could think about what I was doing, my body was already acting. The urge to be close to him sent an electric current through me like a live wire. And now, I’m afraid I’ve pushed him too far, for good. Instead of having him in my arms, I am haunted by the memory of him riding away from me, not towards.
The unbelievable urge I had to pick him up, throw him over my shoulder, and bring him home was too much.
It’s the need to show him he’s mine no matter what that last letter said.
Part of me was scared for when I would see him again. Maybe my feelings for him would have weakened. Maybe I didn’t care about him as much as I thought I did. Maybe time changed me. But it did none of those things. Instead, they amplified. I didn’t realise just how much I am head over heels for him, for a man I’m scared no longer feels the same.
No matter how badly I crave to have him in my arms again, the best option for us right now is for me to leave him alone.
Let him have time to think, have space to breathe, and hope that when he’s ready, he’ll come back to me.
I just need him to come back to me.
Distracted from my thoughts, I notice my phone screen flashing on and off from the bench I’d left it on underneath the window frame. Dropping the shovel and gloves currently in my hands, I quickly make my way over to see who’s calling. The last time I spoke to Bee, she mentioned the guys should be home in the next few weeks. She’s also now in her last trimester, so I make sure I answer a call or text from her, scared something is wrong and that she’ll need me.
Picking up the phone and turning the screen on, I notice it isn’t Bee who called, but Idah. Three missed calls flash on the screen. She never usually calls me once, let alone three times. She’s always been one to text, so for her to ring me multiple times is concerning. I start to dial her back when I hear a ringtone going off at the bottom of the garden. Quickly turning around, I see Idah standing there. Her hair is down today, naturally curly. She’s dressed in a baby blue summer dress which both compliments her skin tone and her hair colour perfectly. She looks beautiful.
“Hey, how long have you been standing there for?” I ask as I pick up the towel I had waiting for me and wipe the sweat from my forehead.
“Your side, it’s all bandaged up. Did you hurt yourself? Is there something wrong?” She rushes over to examine closer.
“What? No. I’m not healed properly yet. It’s like 30 degrees. I can’t be wearing a T-shirt in this weather. I put it on to make sure I don’t catch it on anything, that’s all.”
“Oh, okay. You had me worried. Anyway, the weather is so warm and sunny, I felt like taking a walk. I haven’t seen you in a while. I’m starting to get the impression that you’re ignoring me.” She tucks a lock of her hair behind her ear and smiles sadly.
Fuck. Idah thinking I’m ignoring her is the last thing I want.
Before I can open my mouth to speak, she carries on talking.
“So, I thought I would come check to see if you’re, you know, still alive.” She kicks the dirt with her feet after speaking, with tears in her eyes.
She didn’t mean to say what she did.
But before she can say anything else, I take my arm and wrap it over her shoulders, pulling her in for a tight hug. I avoid the side with the bandage. That would be the last thing I need right now.
“I don’t really feel in the mood to go for a walk right now Idah, sorry,” I murmur against her hair. “Sun’s out, got to get on top of the garden before it goes out of control. Can’t risk not doing it today, it’ll probably be raining tomorrow if it doesn’t start in the next hour.”
“Yeah. Okay, I guess. The garden is more exciting than a walk with me anyway,” she announces sarcastically as she turns to start making her way down the path towards the gate. I quietly laugh at myself, subtly shaking my head. I spin on my feet, turning to face back towards the tools that I had left on the floor when rushing to answer the phone.
Until I hear a cough coming from someone behind me.
“Erm, I kinda brought someone with me. I hope that’s okay.” Idah looks guilty as she brushes her palms together and avoids looking at me at all costs; because she didn’t just bring anyone.
She brought me Dax.
He’s standing in front of me.
At the bottom of my garden.
Outside my house.
His hair, that’s longer now, falls over his eyes. He’s frozen in place, not bothering to move it away from his face. I don’t dare make any movement, worried he’ll flee again, like a skittish animal that’s easily scared. But I fight the urge not to get closer. When I see he hasn’t made a move to leave, I drop the towel I was clutching in my hand in a tight grip and place my phone in the back pocket of my jeans. I walk towards him as slowly as I can, which takes all my strength when all I want to do is run to him and hold him in my arms.
I almost feel lost in a trance looking at him. He looks exactly like he does in the photo in his shop. His ocean blue eyes look directly at me. The same blue eyes that have been haunting my mind ever since I walked out the door.
I’m lost for words, unable to speak, and I think he feels the same as me. Because right now, all either of us can do is look at each other. I don’t want to ever look away.
He’s still so fucking beautiful.
I knew he would be.
Unsure of what to think, or how to feel, I struggle to hold myself back from him. The need to run straight towards him and pull him into my arms is too intense. Too real.
“Pretty boy,” I say in disbelief. It’s probably not the first thing I should have said, but it’s all I could think of right now.
He doesn’t reply verbally, he doesn’t need to. Instead, he smiles. It isn’t a big smile, it’s fragile. Subtle. Everything I know deep down, Dax isn’t. Instead of questioning it, I take it in.
I will take anything I can get of him.
Even if it's miniscule.
It feels as though we’ve been looking into each other’s eyes for hours. It’s as though everything around us has stopped in time just for us; like it too can feel how cardinal this moment is. I don’t know who looked away first out of the two of us, but by the time our eyes are no longer lost in one another’s, Idah has disappeared.
There are a million things I want to say right now. I have an endless list of questions, but I’m afraid of saying a word. I don’t want him to run again.
Just when I’m about to speak, Dax’s voice floats between us.
“Do you have time to talk?” he asks sheepishly. Playing with the sleeves on his jumper, his eyes dart towards the ground nervously. He’s finding anything else to do right now apart from look at me. His hair continues to fall in his face as he lowers his head to glance at the ground, strands falling from his hair tie. The need I have to push it out of the way is too overwhelming. It’s obvious he feels uncomfortable right now, but I can’t help but soak in the image of him.
Hearing his voice is enough for me.
Him standing here is enough for me.
This is enough. No matter how much I crave to feel his warm skin against me again while we embrace or smell his unique scent of the sea with an undertone of caramel.
I've always loved the way his scent invades my senses.
“I have all the time in the world for you, Dax.” My mouth curves into a smile that I can feel has taken over my entire face.
Chapter twenty-six
Dax
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to come back home without you by my side. Sometimes I think about how life would be if I never returned, if I stayed in this war but then I remember your smile and beautiful sad eyes and I realise I can't stay away. Even if you told me to.”
I’m unsure of where to start, unsure of what to even say. When Idah first suggested I come with her to speak to Jae, I couldn’t help but stare. She couldn't have been serious. But I knew, as much as it pains me, I needed to see him. We are in the same town now, we’re bound to bump into each other one way or another, and as much as I want to stay hidden away forever, I can’t do it.
Even If he doesn’t want me anymore.
We met at the shop this morning, after we both decided to take a walk to Jae’s house. It still felt surreal knowing we were in the same place again. Part of me has wished this would happen for so long, but now I’m hit with the sudden reality that he has actually moved here, I’m not so sure my wishes were a wise choice.
After forty-five minutes of pacing the room back and forth while Idah sat patiently as I had an internal battle with myself, I eventually pulled myself together and agreed to go to his house with her. I made sure to tell Ty where I was going, with him being left in the shop alone. The two of them told me before we left that it was okay if it wasn’t the right time, we could do this another day.
But when is the right time?
Before leaving, I made sure to pick up my beanie and headphones from the counter, bringing my fingers to my lips, kissing them before placing them on Mum’s plaque, feeling more at ease, knowing hopefully she has my back.
The walk to Jae’s house is peaceful and mesmerising, exactly like him. I keep my head held high as I take in the sights around me. Focusing on the greenery around us. His house is on the opposite side of town, closer to the cliffs. It brings me a sense of ease knowing he’s so close to our spot, but also fills me with panic. The thought that he could potentially not want anything to do with me anymore is one of the most excruciating pains I’ve felt. Pulling at every part of me. But I make an attempt to ignore those feelings, pushing them down, concealing them away in hopes the negative thoughts I think and feel right now are just a fragment of my imagination.
We come to the last corner of the maze of streets, unable to take our eyes away from the open field with a small cottage on the side of it. And I hate myself for not knowing about this place sooner. Rows upon rows of sunflowers sway in the wind, some taller than others come into eyesight. At first, I didn’t notice the cottage. It’s hidden away between the vibrant shades of yellow and green and it’s the second most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Because as we walk closer to the gate concealing the garden and house away, a figure comes into view. His rich, dark skin stands out amongst the hues of the flowers surrounding him. The sun shines down on him, framing all his features. He looks like a masterpiece that belongs in a museum. I want to frame this moment forever.
He's so beautiful it hurts to tear my eyes away.
“Earth to Dax, shut your mouth. You’re drooling.” Idah giggles, pushing her hand underneath my chin to close my mouth for me. I don’t realise I’m staring but, it’s completely impossible for me not too.
I don’t want to stop.
“What if he doesn’t want to see me? Maybe this was a bad idea?” I start to panic, turning around to leave. Instantly regretting my decision. You shouldn’t have agreed to come, Dax. You hurt him. And now you’re turning up at his door? I start to scratch at my hand, back and forth, hoping it will ease the panic.
“Are you serious? You’ve done so well, Dax. You weren’t going to come at first and you did, I’m so proud of you. I promise you; he wants to see you. If you have any wrong feelings about it after we’ve spoken, come with me, you don’t need to stay. I’m going to go over to the graveyard anyway. If you decide to stay and need me at any time, come straight to me. Okay?” I don’t reply to her. I don’t have the words to, instead I nod once and she understands. “Good. Now come on, let’s get your man back.”
Before I have a chance to say anything or stop her, she’s skipping away towards the gate at the edge of the garden, pulling her phone out looking as though she’s calling someone. It isn’t until I hear her yelping and running towards Jae that I realise it was him she was ringing, she was just trying to catch his attention before we bombarded.
There’s a large oak tree, just by the gate. I decide it’s best to hide here for a moment or two until they’ve finished talking. My heart sinks as I hear Idah talking about a bandage on his side and how she’s worried he’s hurt himself; I don’t want him to be hurt. He quickly pushes her away, explaining there is nothing for her to be worried about and I feel like I can breathe again.
I choose to remain hidden for a few more moments, until Idah announces that she’s brought someone with her. I don’t know what I want to do more, laugh or cry, but I’m instantly regretting that we chose to walk and didn’t ride the bike.
You have to face him now, Dax, you can’t ride away.
Worst. Idea. Ever.
I want to run away so badly. If it was up to me, I would have already been halfway down the street.
But the moment he lifts his head and looks me in the eyes, he stuns me. I am no longer in control of my mind and body.
Because standing in front of me, is the most handsome man I have ever seen.
He looks exactly how he did the day he walked out the door. The same as the few photographs I had of him, which I stored away with the letters and looked at more than I care to admit. I can’t tell much of a difference. He has always been taller than me, but up close it’s obvious he’s gotten taller, or maybe I’ve shrunk. The sun reflects from his darker skin, inviting me to press my lips against it and trail my hands all over and his emerald eyes are calling to me, bringing me home.
I can hear the voice inside my head, screaming for me to get closer. Begging for me to jump into his arms.
But I can’t.
Neither of us realise Idah has gone until we break out of the trance and realise she’s no longer standing with us. Feeling a large amount of guilt, I quickly take out my phone from my pocket and send her a text making sure she’s okay, she already told me where she was going so I assume her plans have stayed the same, but I make sure to let her know I remember where she is if I need her and I’ll check if she’s still there when I leave to make sure she isn’t walking home alone.
