Never too late, p.23
Never Too Late, page 23
“I’m a fucking idiot.”
“I'm stupid.”
“I don’t deserve anyone or anything.”
“Why didn’t I think before I did this?”
“I destroy everything.”
I don’t notice how loud I’m cursing myself until I spot Jae sat at the edge of the bed out of the corner of my eye.
He isn’t saying anything, he doesn’t need to. If I was to look at him right now, I would probably be able to see it on his face.
And so, I ignore that he’s sat watching me and continue taping the pieces of paper back together.
I’m too scared he’ll agree with the words coming out of my mouth.
I continue the verbal assaults on myself until I find it hard to breathe and my voice starts to break.
Instead of words of anger, they turn into words of pain.
“I don’t understand why I do the things I do sometimes.”
“I don’t understand what’s going on in my head.”
“I feel like the world is against me and I’m trying so hard to fight it. I have to keep on fighting it.”
“I don’t understand why people love me. I don’t deserve to be loved. All I do is cause pain.”
I stop when I feel Jae’s arm around my waist, pulling me into him, his strength pulling me back so I’m now sitting in his lap.
“It’s okay to be angry at the world. Just please let me hold you while you do it,” he says softly in my ear as he kisses my cheek.
“I don’t know if I’m angry at the world, all I know is that I’m angry at myself. I’m angry at my mind and the way it works, I’m angry at the way I handle things without thinking. I’m angry at the way I don’t understand why I am the way I am. The way I’m different. The way I see things differently, do things differently. None of it makes any sense to me. I feel as though I’m in a constant battle with myself. One I’m not sure I’ll win.”
He brings me in closer. His warmth and smell invade my senses.
Home. Home. Home.
“I just feel so angry and sad all the time. But most of all, I feel confused. Why am I so different from everyone else? Why does no one else feel this way?”
He gently presses a kiss to the back of my head.
“Yes, you're different. You could stand in a room full of people and my eyes would find you every time. You’re so used to not being seen, yet to me, you’re the brightest star. And you know what, pretty boy? That’s what I love about you the most. You are different, thinking differently or acting differently never meant anything to me. Every single thing you did made me fall more and more head over heels for you. You’re not going to win the war in your mind alone, because I’m going to be here, fighting it with you. Every.” Kiss. “Step.” Kiss. “Of.” Kiss. “The.” Kiss. “Way.”
He turns my body gently so I’m looking into his eyes.
"Pretty boy, you still call me that. Why? I'm ugly. I hurt people. I break things."
"Ugly? You're far from it. No one is ugly. And you, are the most beautiful person I have ever seen. You don't believe it for yourself. But that's okay. I'll believe it enough for both of us, because it's the truth. And if all it takes for you to believe it again, is me telling you everyday, it's the least I can do."
“But what if you get sick of me? What if I get too much? Is that why Noah came? Do you need to be saved?”
Did I really say that out loud?
“Is that why you panicked? You felt I needed to be saved?” I can hear the hint of sadness in his voice as he puts his hand underneath my chin and tilts my face up towards his. “Please look at me, Dax. I was saved on the field because I needed to come back here. I needed to come back to you. My body was fighting because I needed to come home. I don’t need to be saved from you; I need to be with you. It’s always been you. It will always be you. No matter the way you think, the way you feel, the things you do. It will always be you.”
I scramble, collecting the rest of the pieces of paper I was in the middle of taping.
“Let me help you with those.” He picks up one of the pieces of paper, scanning his eyes over it. “What are these?” he asks with tears in his eyes.
I start to panic. Quickly trying to pick them up so he can’t see the rest.
“They’re the letters, I’m so sorry, Jae. I didn’t know what I was doing, I wanted everything gone. I didn’t mean to rip them up. I was trying to tape them back together; I’ll tape them all back up I promise.”
“But this one says ‘Love, your Dax.’ at the bottom. I didn’t get this one. I remember every letter you sent; this wasn’t one of them.” His voice trembles.
“I didn’t stop. Even when I told you to, even when I said I was going to. I couldn’t stop. I just didn't send them anymore.”
And I burst into tears.
As does he.
He pulls me closer, and we sit in each other’s arms in tears. Tears of sadness, tears of happiness.
“Can you read them to me?” he asks, wiping his face with the back of his sleeve.
“I don’t know if you haven’t noticed, sunshine, but they're all ripped up. I’m so sorry, I’ll try to tape them back together.”
He pulls me from his lap, so I’m no longer sat on top of him, but I’m now sat next to him. He quickly stands, walking over to the light switch on the wall, turning on the larger light in the room, and comes and takes a seat back next to me on the floor.
He looks at me with softness in his eyes and his smile tells me everything he’s thinking in his head.
He didn’t need to be saved. He’s here. He’s not going anywhere.
And he speaks softly with admiration and love. “Come on then, let’s tape them up.”
Chapter forty-four
Jae
“You have no idea how hard it is for me, you being there. I don’t know if you’re okay or not. I don’t know if you’re being protected. Every time I turn on the TV, every time I look at the paper, every time I check my phone, I’m scared. Please be okay.”
It’s been four days since we started taping the letters back together.
Dax has been doing it in his spare time when he hasn’t been at work or asleep. I’ve offered to help but he tells me no each time, that it’s something he needs to do on his own; and I respect that. Part of me feels guilty that I haven’t told him I also wrote letters, but I enjoy imagining the look on his face when I shock him with his own stack.
I am desperate to see the light in his eyes again, and I’m hoping the letters are what brings it back.
His words of pain, sadness and anger from that night have been ringing in my mind on an endless loop. And from the moment he falls asleep in my arms, until the moment he wakes when the sun the rises, it pains me to think of the names he calls himself and the way he thinks the world sees him. If I could take his negative thoughts away, I would in a heartbeat.
I hate how the person who means the most to me, thinks the most negatively about himself.
I wish he could see what I see.
And while he dreams, I find myself wondering, who would have cared for him if I didn’t come back? Would he have stayed alone? Would he have met someone new?
Would he have met someone better?
Noah texted me soon after I left saying he’s going to go back to the barracks. He apologised for the way he spoke about Dax and for himself mostly. After Dax fell back to sleep when we finished cleaning his room, I made sure to let him know he had nothing to worry about and if he needs to get away, he’s more than welcome to come back. No matter what, he’s still my brother. We’re family. He was glad I replied, saying maybe in a few weeks when things with him have calmed down. After Dax had some time to himself, I was honest and told him everything that happened. He responded with a snort, telling me I was oblivious because even he knew Noah had feelings for me and that’s why he became hostile around him. After explaining he had nothing to worry about and promising him a million times over with more than words, he agreed Noah is welcome back, too, and emphasised telling me if he tries to make a move on me, he’ll gladly kick his ass.
Even though the last four days have been great between the two of us and he’s back over at my house, I find myself unable to do things at night, spending the time he’s asleep in fear.
Being so afraid I’m going to lose him again when I only just got him back.
Tyler and I have been keeping each other updated with how he is; but we both acknowledge there’s a bigger picture and something important we need to address. Through messages, the two of us have been battling between multiple ideas to encourage Dax to seek professional help, but without directly saying so. I think it’s obvious we’re anxious about how Dax will react.
Scared he’ll shut us both out. Or worse, he’ll run.
Tyler has opened up to me that Dax was diagnosed with depression at an early age. He was glad when I told him I was already aware – that I’ve always known that about him. It was obvious he was relieved someone else knew. More so, it being me. Dax has been open and honest about his depression since we first met, and in ways he’s embraced it. He’s always encouraged those around him to speak about their feelings. “Don’t lock your feelings away in a bottle. It’ll just make everything worse,” he told me once. I just wish he would follow his own advice. But as mine and Tyler’s friendship has started to develop, I’ve noticed he’s started to confide in me.
Yesterday we managed to meet for a coffee when Dax had locked himself away doing paperwork. I attempted to convince him into bringing Dax with him, but after he texted me saying he needed to talk to me alone, I understood.
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, Jae, I mean, you probably have.” He pauses, taking a sip from the coffee mug in front of him. “But Dax is different. The way he thinks and does things differently. It’s been something I’ve always noticed. Our mum noticed it too. It didn’t matter to us. He was still Dax, and nothing could change that. But as he got older, he started showing more signs. More people started to notice.”
I go to speak after he pauses, but he quickly starts to speak again, so I wait. And listen.
“I don’t know everything Dax has told you about me and our relationship – we haven’t always been close, but I’ve always protected him. Especially when he thought I didn’t. I broke a guy’s nose for him once, cool, right?” He grins. Clearly so proud of himself. And honestly, I’m proud of him, too, because I’d do the same.
“I kept my distance from him on purpose. I didn’t want to overwhelm him. He must have thought I hated him. But I didn’t. Not one single bit. We kept his routine. We didn’t interfere. We made sure he was as comfortable as we could, but in secondary school, a teacher approached Mum in confidence, explaining she thought he was showing signs of autism. The school SENCo got involved too. And Mum panicked. We both did. We knew there was something, I guess? But we never added a label to it. We didn’t need to.”
He paces his breathing. I can see in his face that this is hard for him.
“Tyler, we don’t –”
“No, Jae, we do. He’s my brother and I care about him so fucking much. I know you do too. Please just let me say what I need to because, I’m scared that if I don’t know, I’ll never be able to.”
“I’m here.”
He nods his head, taking a deep breath before continuing, “I’d heard the word autism before, but I didn’t know much about it. Mum didn’t either. It was all new to us. But the night she came home telling me about it, I sat up, looking into it as much as I could. I spent every spare minute finding out more and more because I needed to know how to help my brother. And the more I researched, the more I thought the same. I started getting the answers and explanations I so desperately sought without realising. Things started to make sense. No. Everything started to make sense. The way he preferred to be on his own than with others, the way he didn’t like tags in his clothes, the way his music had to be a certain volume, the way he hit himself in the head when he got agitated. I felt like such a fucking shit brother. Then a few months after that, we lost Mum. And I didn’t think twice about becoming his guardian. I knew him better than anyone else, I knew his routine. I knew the food he liked, the bedsheets he needed, the only shampoo he could use, everything.”
I struggle to not have tears in my eyes. I’ve never seen someone so vulnerable before, and I never thought it would be Tyler in this state. I move my hand towards his, because he needs to feel grounded right now. He needs to know he isn’t alone in this anymore.
“The way Dax is has never bothered me, Tyler. No matter how differently he or others may see him, he’s no different to me. He’s still the guy I fell in love with, no matter what is going on in that brilliant brain of his. I don’t care. Nothing could change the way I feel about him. Not even autism. But where do we go from here?”
“I think he needs medical help, Jae. He needs what me and Mum should have got him a long time ago. I was just so focused on making sure he had the best life he possibly could. I should have done more; I should have pushed for the assessment.”
“No. Don’t beat yourself up like that. We’ll talk to him. And if it’s what he wants, we’ll help him get it.”
The conversation plays on repeat, similar to the way Dax plays his favourite songs again and again on his Walkman.
Would medical help stop the pain? The ongoing battle in his mind against himself?
But each time we come back to it, the worry of not knowing how he’ll react rises.
While Dax has been working, and I haven’t been sleeping, I’ve investigated how we would get an assessment as fast as possible. Further learning that people can often be diagnosed with just depression and sometimes, this isn’t the only thing. And I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help but wonder, what if that’s what happened with him too. What if it’s more than depression? We have also discussed that the best way for Dax to get an assessment would be to go private – he hesitated after we came to this conclusion. Costs are expensive, some cost thousands. But Dax is my family, meaning whether Tyler wants it or not, he’s my family too.
With no hesitation I send the text,
Jae: I’ve researched private assessments; I’ve found a doctor local. Private. Not on the NHS.
Tyler: Yeah, I have too. But their expensive, mate, we can’t rush into anything.
Jae: Don’t worry about costs. I have it covered. We’re family. You’re not in this alone anymore.
And the three lingering dots from Tyler stop.
I can’t help but smirk at myself, because I think I’ve managed to make Tyler speechless.
Tyler: I can’t accept that from you. I’ll work something out.
Jae: Dax is family. Which means you’re my family too. The cost is covered. You don’t need to worry about it. We just need to work out how we’re going to speak to him about it.
Tyler: I’ll talk to him; I think it’s best coming from me.
Jae: Do you need any help?
Tyler: I think the only person who can help me right now… is Mum.
Chapter forty-five
Dax
“I hate knowing you’re there and I’m here. I hate knowing I’m not protecting you when you sleep and that I’m not cherishing you when you’re awake.”
I take back all the times I’ve joked about Ty singing and playing guitar because as I’m sitting at the counter on the shop floor, he’s sitting on the sofas at the back, practising a song he and Frankie are working on, and he’s really good.
Not just good.
He’s amazing.
Things haven’t been the same between us since the night I shouted at him. No, I screamed. We’ve avoided each other as much as possible, giving little to no eye contact or acknowledgement, but it’s the last day of the half term for the boys and after the weekend, they go back to school. I know how much he has enjoyed having them around, it can get lonely it being just the two of us. It doesn’t help that I’ve been in and out of the shop the last few weeks, so knowing he isn’t alone makes me feel somewhat better.
But it doesn’t stop the feeling of guilt.
Guilt for the things I did, the things I said. He didn’t deserve any of it.
And I need to make it up to him.
Next to Frankie, sits Theo. We haven’t made any progress with his communication, but he still enjoys sitting next to his brother working on his sketchpad, looking up now and then to watch Frankie’s fingers playing the strings of the guitar. He’s also started doing the same with Ty, it surprised us both a few days ago when Frankie decided to sit next to him and not his brother.
I could have sworn I saw tears in Ty’s eyes that he quickly wiped away.
I’ve almost finished taping the letters together, it’s the only thing I’ve been able to focus on when I haven’t been sleeping. Jae is desperate to read them and that terrifies me. I never thought he would read them and now my thoughts and feelings are going to be there right in front of him and I’ve never felt more vulnerable.
What if he doesn’t feel the same way?
What if I make a fool of myself?
Feeling irritated that I’ve almost come to the end of another roll of tape, I push myself away from the counter, letting out a sigh, annoyed that I need to go buy some more from the shop when my phone flashes with a text from Jae.
Jae: Missing you, pretty boy.
I smile as I close the message.
I’ve never been one for texting much, it’s similar to writing letters but it’s still not the same. Something about putting a pen to paper speaks to me in a way using a phone to type a message doesn’t.
It feels more personal.
Lifting my head from my phone, I see Theo walking directly towards me with his satchel on his shoulder. Inside, my body is panicking, instantly thinking that something is wrong. I look towards the sofas, noticing that Tyler and Frankie have stopped playing, but they’re watching Theo, also not wanting to make a scene. Ty slowly starts to stand; I can see the hesitation in his face. He’s worried he is going to walk out the door. But instead, he comes directly to where I’m sitting, opening his satchel. Both of us are on edge, we don’t need to communicate that to know. I sit back, trying to relax, when I notice Theo lifting up the front of his satchel and sliding his hand inside, pulling out a roll of tape. No words are exchanged between the two of us, but he gently puts it on top of the counter, offering me a small smile, quickly turning away, and walking back to the sofas to sit at the side of my brother.
