Never too late, p.25
Never Too Late, page 25
“Hi, Jae.” Idah smiles.
The restraint I have to hold over myself not to shout at her, demand where she’s been the last few weeks, is unmatched. I’ve been worrying endlessly about this girl, and she turns up at my door with a “Hi Jae.” But as I scan my eyes over the girl with red hair standing before me, I see the struggle in her eyes. The defeat in her face. Idah is normally full of life but before me, is a shell.
There are a million things I want to say, endless questions I want to ask, but I do none of that.
I don’t say a word – they can wait.
Instead, I pull her into my arms bringing her close to me, protecting her from the demons she’s evidently fighting.
It doesn’t take long for her to fall asleep with her head laid on my lap. Shortly after we came into the front room, she crawled up onto the sofa and into my arms, quietly weeping with her head pressed against my thighs. The only thing I could do was run my hands through her red hair and give her the safety she was desperately seeking.
We still haven’t spoken about where she’s been, she’s fighting a battle she obviously doesn’t want to speak about. She’s exhausted. And right now, she needs sleep.
Trying my hardest not to wake her up, I send both brothers a text letting them know she’s here. I know they’ve both been worried about her too. I return the phone back to the table when she starts to fidget in my embrace.
“Where are you, Lottie?”
“Lottie, come back to me. Lottie, please come back.”
“Please come back.”
Her body starts to tremble, but her eyes are still closed so I think she’s still asleep, but I instantly start to panic, bringing her closer to my body so I’m cradling her to my chest.
“It’s okay, Idah, I’ve got you,” I whisper as I run my hands through her hair.
The panic attacks, the nightmares, the fears are something I’m used to.
Something real.
My body goes into shock, my mind is unable to think. I’m unable to feel.
“Please come back to me, Jae, please come back.”
But I can’t.
I feel lost.
I’m stuck in darkness and I can’t find my way out.
Where are you, Dax?
“Jae, please, you’ve got to wake up.”
But what if I don’t want to wake up? When I close my eyes, I see him.
I want to be with Dax, I can see him. I just need to get close enough to hold him.
“Soldier, you’ve got to wake the fuck up,” Another voice shouts.
But I can’t.
Please don’t make me.
Where are you, pretty boy? Show me your ocean blues.
I can hear the shouting in the distance. I can feel my body being dragged along the floor. Does that mean they’re taking me to him?
Where are they taking me? I’ve only just come home.
Chapter forty-eight
Dax
“I’ll be home soon, pretty boy. Don’t worry. I’ll be home and you’ll be in my arms again where you belong.”
The shop has been busy today. I haven’t been able to stay off my feet, I’m glad I’ve been occupied, it makes the day go a lot faster so I can go home, but I am exhausted. The muscles in my leg ache. My arms ache. My head aches and I have aches in places I didn’t even know could ache. It’s taken me three hours to unload today’s delivery. Ty offered to help numerous times, but he knows each time he asks, I’ll respond with a no.
Things between us have started to get better since our conversation. I’m still not decided on what I want to do in terms of an assessment, but I recognise I need to get some medical help. I just need some time to work out what I want to do and how I go about it. I need to plan things out. I need to take my time. Thankfully, both Ty and Jae are happy with that, and they agree that’s the right thing to do, too.
I just need some time.
I’m still in the back room when I can hear Tyler’s phone ring for the third time in a row.
I push the door open further with my foot, and shout, “Ty, answer that bloody phone!”
“I’m going, I’m going… Hey, Idah, what’s up?”
Idah? Why is Idah ringing? She’s with Jae.
Placing the box that’s currently in my hands on the floor, I stop what I’m doing, already walking out of the room onto the shop floor in confusion.
“Okay, calm down. What’s wrong? Is he okay? Right, okay. Please stop panicking. I know it’s scary. Do you have a cold flannel to press against his forehead? We’re coming now.”
That’s all it takes.
Before Tyler can get off the phone, I’m already out the back door. I don’t need to hear the rest; I don’t need to listen to what Tyler is saying. I need to get home.
I can’t lose him again. I just got him back.
My home.
I welcome the burn in my hands from clenching onto the rubber handles of the bike as hard as I can, riding as fast as I can to get to him. The roads are busy, but I don’t let that stop me, filtering through the lanes, not allowing the traffic to slow me down. A few cars beep their horn at me for being reckless, but I need to get to him. I can’t lose him.
Please be okay.
It takes me ten minutes to get to his house, throwing my bike down on the grass underneath the window ledge, running straight into the house.
“IDAH?” my voice breaks into a cry. My movements turn frenzied, not knowing where they are, or if they’re in the house or not.
I hear her voice coming from the front room.
“We’re in here, I’m sorry, I panicked. It was like last time, but worse. I’m so sorry, Dax, I didn’t know who to call. I couldn’t think straight, I just remembered when Tyler helped before, so I rang him straight away. I’m sorry I didn’t ring you first, Dax.” She’s panicking. Sobbing. She feels helpless.
I know, because I do too.
I run to the side of him, lifting his head up gently so it’s placed on my knees, taking the flannel from her shaking hands and pressing it gently against his forehead.
“It’s okay, Idah. You called someone, it’s okay. I’ve got him.” My voice breaks towards the end of the sentence as I lean down, pulling the flannel away to press a kiss against his forehead.
I gently pull my head away to gaze upon his face. He’s always been beautiful. I’ve never been attracted to anyone the way I am to him. It was almost too good to be true, the moment I was able to call him mine. I think that’s why I tried to let him go. Because I thought I didn’t deserve him.
I thought I was too different for someone like him.
But different doesn’t mean wrong.
Tyler walks into the room not long after me, stepping straight towards Idah. “Are you okay?” She responds with a nod.
“Let’s go sit outside, yeah, Dax has him, don’t worry. He’ll make sure he’s okay.”
She looks at me again, the same sadness in her eyes as she mouths the words “I’m sorry.” I quickly shake my head back at her with a smile. She has nothing to apologise for. She got me here.
Moving my attention straight back to Jae, I gently take my hand and push his hair from his face. It’s starting to get a little bit longer now, not too long. But I notice the curls starting to form. I tease one gently with my fingertips, feeling his hair against my skin.
“Please come back, Dax, please,” he whimpers, his voice no louder than a pin dropping to the floor. His body is shaking, his eyes are still closed. He’s dreaming.
My hands clutch round him tighter. I don’t want to hurt him, but I also don’t want to let him go. Only if he’s in my arms do I know he’s okay.
“Hey, baby, I’m here. You’re okay. You’re home. You’re with me.” I try to rein in the tears threatening to escape. Taking in a deep breath. I need to be strong.
Strong like my soldier.
“I know it’s hard right now. I know you can’t speak, but it’s okay. Let me do the speaking for you. You’ve always protected me. You fought your way to come home to me so I wasn’t alone. Now I need to help bring you back.”
Don’t cry, Dax.
“I finished taping up the letters you know. I taped them all. I remember them. I remember them all. I don’t need to read them to tell you what they say, I can tell you that from my heart.” I pull him closer to me, speaking over the whimpers, gently dabbing the flannel on his forehead, one, two, three.
One by one, I recite the letters I wrote. Words of happiness, sadness, love, anger, confusion, and admiration. Words I longed for him to hear, ones I never said enough and ones I had said a million times before. One hand under his head, one hand switching between the flannel pressing against him and holding his hand against his chest.
“You saw me in a crowd when no one else did. You accepted me for the differences no one else wanted to and you loved me, even when I couldn’t love myself. You came home, just like you promised you would. I never once doubted you wouldn’t. I just doubted myself for being good enough for you.”
He doesn’t respond for a few moments, and in those moments, I feel as though I’m unable to breathe.
Leaning my head down to gaze at him again, I notice his eyes starting to slowly open and a smile forming on his face. “I heard every word of that, pretty boy.” He coughs.
“I’d hope you would.”
“What happened?” he asks, trying to move his hand to hide his face.
I take the hand away, pulling it towards my mouth and press a kiss against his knuckles. “It doesn’t matter. You’re okay, that’s what’s important.”
“I’m sorr –” he starts to say. I quickly cut him off by moving my hand from under his head and placing it over his mouth. “You have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing. Ever.”
We don’t say any more words, sitting in silence, holding onto one another until I hear a sound coming from my phone. I gently move his head to the side to pull my phone from my jean pocket, seeing a text from Tyler.
Tyler: I didn’t want to interrupt. I’m going to take Idah home. I’ll make sure she’s okay. You did good, bro. I’m proud of you. I know how hard that was for you. Love you
Quickly putting it to the side of me on the sofa, I place my hand back under his head, noticing him turning his head towards the large, open windows.
“You’re going to miss the stars,” he whispers as he lifts himself up slowly, no longer laid against me, but sat beside me.
I feel his hand against my side, so I move my own to take hold of his, slowly bringing the back of his hand once again to my mouth. “The only thing I missed was you.”
He pulls his hand out of my own, and before I have the chance to ask what he’s doing, I can feel his lips already on mine. Tasting the saltiness of tears dripping from both of our eyes. This kiss is gentle and soft and warm.
It’s a promise.
A promise we’ll never leave each other again and no matter what, we’ll always find our way back.
And I say the three words I’ve been longing to say to his face.
“I love you.”
Chapter forty-nine
Jae
“I see you every time I close my eyes. I see you every time I look out of the window at the stars. I see you everywhere.”
One week later.
“It’s been a week; you can go back to work now. I’m fine. You shouldn’t take any more time off work,” I murmur into Dax’s neck as I pepper kisses against his beautifully decorated skin.
Since I was triggered with memories, he hasn’t left my side. When he’s gone into work, he’s made sure I’ve gone with him. When I wanted to go into the garden, he was two steps behind. Granted, he knows a lot about flowers and their care, so he is helpful – I love that he cares but it’s not fair for me to hold him back.
I hate the overpowering feeling of guilt.
Dax hums, lifting his hips from the bed in search of friction from my body as I lean over the top of him.
“Look at you being needy, pretty boy,” I whisper into his ear as I kiss his shoulder once more. “But we can’t. When I have you, you’re not going to be able to move a muscle. And you need to go to the shop.”
Moving my arms to either side of his head, I push them down onto the pillow, lifting my body off of his. Unable to take my eyes away from his while doing so, I bring my body to his side, allowing him to sit up straight.
I need him to leave for work soon because if he doesn’t, I won’t be able to let him go. My body screams to be close to him. To feel his touch against my skin and his soft lips trailing along. My cock twitches at the idea of it too. But it’s not fair for him to keep staying at home, he owns the shop with his brother. He needs to be there just as much.
I can wait.
Shifting my legs from the bed, I move my body to face the door, trying to avoid looking at him, when I slowly start to feel his arms coming from behind, wrapping around my waist. “Last chance before I get ready, I can stay if you want me to. I don’t have to go.”
“I don’t know how much more I can take being in the record store, Dax. Music is your thing. I’m thankful for the happiness it brings to you, I love hearing you talk about it, I love sharing the excitement with you. But that’s your thing, not mine,” I say calmly. I don’t want to upset him or think I’m having a dig at him, I’m grateful for the joy it brings him, it just doesn’t do the same for me.
“But I can keep an eye on you when you’re there. I know you’re safe. I’m there if you need me,” he tries to protest.
I notice the sadness in his face, not wanting to cause him anymore, and I realise when his mouth unknowingly starts to form a smile, he knows what he’s doing.
And I’m allowing it.
“Okay, I’ll come into work with you. There are a few things I could pick up whilst out anyway, I don’t know how much more I can take of being locked up in the house anymore. I don’t think I’m exactly housewife material.”
“You could just work with us you know – we could use an extra pair of hands.” He attempts to slide his hand down my chest before I catch it and take hold.
“That’s your thing, Dax. I love that you have a passion for music, and I love you, but it isn’t my thing. It’s been a long time since I’ve been anything other than a soldier, I can’t remember much about myself apart from the need to protect. I need to find myself again.”
“But at least I’d be able to sit and stare at you all day. Gives me another excuse to go to work.” He shrugs, as I feel him press a kiss to the back of my neck before removing his arms from me, pushing himself away to stand up from the bed.
I quickly stand, looking down towards him, pressing a kiss to his nose, inhaling his light scent of ocean air mixed with caramel. I don’t want him to think I don’t want to spend time with him. I do. But as I stand and think about what I’d like to do for a job, the idea of flowers comes back each time. Something about them excites me more than being in a music store. And as I stare at his beautiful skin. I know he’s the reason for all of it.
“Lucky me, spending another day with you in the shop.” He takes a deep breath, pushing to his tiptoes, taking my mouth with his, sliding his tongue against my lips for entry, and I happily oblige, allowing him to steal my breath away.
Pulling himself away, I can’t stop myself from staring into his wide blue eyes. I can almost feel myself getting lost in them. And I would, If I allowed myself to. He breaks contact to turn and walk towards the wardrobe in search of some fresh boxers and clothes and I still find myself unable to stop staring at him with awe. He takes out his own, putting them in a pile beside the wardrobe as I notice him also collecting some for me, which he brings over.
I place a kiss on his chest, whispering a thank you before quickly pulling back.
Dax might not be comfortable with the way he looks, but to me, he’s a work of art.
Dax hums a familiar beat as I admire the sun beaming outside and the roads empty as people are still in school or at work. We’re able to get to the high street without any delay, parking in the only space available, in front of the record shop. I managed to convince Dax into allowing me to drive us to the shop today, again. For the last few days he’s been trying to convince me to get on his bike with him and there’s no chance of that happening. I’ve only just gotten used to the noise the engine makes, I’m not going to be sitting on it anytime soon.
The shutters are already drawn up, which makes me and Dax stare at each other, conveying the same confusion. He’s mentioned how recently Tyler has been more willing and demanding about being in work where he used to be the one finding any excuse not to be, but he doesn’t seem to mention it again once we’re inside.
“Hey, here comes my brother actually, he knows more about records than I do,” Tyler shouts from the corner of the shop floor, already with a customer wanting Dax’s help. Before Dax manages to run away, I quickly pull him to my side, pressing a kiss against his cheek, watching his face flush red as he turns away with embarrassment.
He hates it when I catch him off guard, but it’s one thing I can’t stop myself from doing. The shade of crimson his face turns, is my favourite colour. Just like a rose.
Tyler walks towards me as Dax is now engaged in conversation with the young customer about records.
“You’ve made it just on time, he saved me. I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about.” His shoulders lift in shrug as he scans through the paperwork he has on the counter, just as quickly lifting his head up to carry on the conversation, “He managed to convince you to come back in again today then I see?”
“I can’t say no to him. I know I should, I just can’t.”
