Was Telen^s soul knit with my own? Was I to love and hate him, as Saul loved and hated David? Anyhow, I despised myself and my folly. I felt a grudge against the musician who had bewitched me; above all, I loathed the whole of womankind, the curse of the world.

  All at once my mother drew me from my gloomy thoughts.

  ‘You are not going to the office today, if you do not feel well,’ said she, after a while.

  — What! you were in trade then, were you?

  — Yes, my father had left me a very profitable business, and a most trustworthy and excellent manager who for years had been the soul of the house. I was then twenty-two, and my part in the concern was to pocket the lion’s share of the profits. Still, I must say I not only had never been lazy, but, moreover, was rather serious for a young man of my age, and, above all, in my circumstances. I had but one hobby — a most harmless one. I was fond of old majolica, old fans, and old lace, of which I have now a rather fine collection.

  — The finest one I ever saw.

  — Well, I went to the office as usual, but do what I could it was quite impossible for me to settle down to any kind of work.

  Telen^s vision was mixing itself up with whatever I happened to be doing, muddling everything up. Moreover, my mother’s words were ever present to my mind. Every woman was in love with him, and their love was necessary to him. I thereupon tried hard to banish him from my thoughts. ‘Where there is a will there is a way,’ said I to myself, ‘so I shall soon get rid of this foolish, maudlin infatuation.’

  — But you did not succeed, did you?

  — No! the more I tried not to think of him, the more I did think. Have you in fact ever heard some snatches of a half-remembered tune ringing in your ears? Go where you will, listen to whatever you like, that tune is ever tantalizing you. You can no more recollect the whole of it than you can get rid of it. If you go to bed it keeps you from falling asleep; you slumber and you hear it in your dreams; you wake, and it is the very first thing you hear. So it was with Teleny; he actually haunted me, his voice — so sweet and low — was ever repeating in those unknown accents: Oh! friend, my heart doth yearn for thee.

  And now his lovely image never left my eyes, the touch of his soft hand was still on mine, I even felt his scented breath upon my lips; thus in that eager longing, every now and then I stretched my arms to seize and to strain him to my breast, and the hallucination was so strong in me that soon I fancied I could feel his body on my own.

  A strong erection thereupon took place, which stiffened every nerve and almost made me mad; but though I suffered, still, the pain I felt was sweet.

  — Excuse my interrupting you, but had you never been in love before you had met Teleny?

  — Never.

  — Strange.

  — Why so?

  — At two-and-twenty?

  — Well, you see I was predisposed to love men and not women, and without knowing it I had always struggled against the inclinations of my nature. It is true that several times I thought I had already been in love, still it was only upon knowing Teleny that I understood what real love was. Like all boys I had believed myself bound to feel spoony, and I had done my best to persuade myself that I was deeply smitten. Having once casually come across a young girl with laughing eyes, I had concluded that she was just what an ideal Dulcinea ought to be; I therefore followed her about, every time I met her, and sometimes even tried to think of her at odd moments, when I had nothing to do.

  — And how did the affair end?

  — In a most ridiculous way. The thing happened, I think, about a year or two before I left the Lycee; yes, I remember, it was during the midsummer holidays, and the very first time I had ever travelled alone.

  Being of a rather shy disposition, I was somewhat flurried and nervous at having to elbow my way through the crowd, to hurry and push about to get my ticket, to take care so as not to get into a train going in the wrong direction.

  The upshot of all this was that, before being thoroughly aware of it, I found myself seated in front of the girl I believed myself in love with, and moreover in a carriage reserved for the fair sex.

  Unfortunately, in the same carriage there was a creature who surely could not go under that denomination; for, although I cannot swear as to her sex, I can take my oath she was not fair. In fact, as far as I can remember her, she was a real specimen of the wandering English old maid, clad in a waterproof coat something like an ulster. One of those heterogenous creatures continually met with on the Continent, and I think everywhere else except in England; for I have come to the conclusion that Great Britain manufactures them especially for exportation. Anyhow, I had hardly taken my place, when —

  ‘Monseer,’ says she, in a snarling, barking way, ‘cette compartement est reserved for dames soules.’

  I suppose she meant ‘seules,’ but at that moment, confused as I was, I took her at her word.

  ‘Dames soules!’— ‘drunken ladies!’ said I, terrified, looking around at all the ladies.

  My neighbors began to titter.

  ‘Madame says that this carriage is reserved for ladies,’ added the mother of my girl, ‘of course a young man is not — well, not expected to smoke here, but— ‘

  ‘Oh! if that is the only objection I certainly shall not allow myself to smoke.’

  ‘No, no!’ said the old maid, evidently much shocked, ‘vous exit, go out, ou moi crier! Garde,’ she shouted out of the window, ‘faites go out cette monseer!’

  The guard appeared at the door, and not only ordered, but ignominiously turned me out of that carriage, just as if I had been a second Col. Baker.

  I was so ashamed of myself, so mortified, that my stomach — which had always been delicate — was actually quite upset by the shock I had received, therefore no sooner had the train started than I began to be, first uncomfortable, then to feel a rumbling pain, and at last a pressing want, so much so that I could hardly sit down on my seat, squeeze as much as I could, and I dared not move for fear of the consequences.

  After some time the train stopped for a few minutes, no guard came to open the carriage door, I managed to get up, no guard was to be seen, no place where I could ease myself. I was debating what to do when the train started off.

  The only occupant of the carriage was an old gentleman, who — having told me to make myself comfortable, or rather to put myself at my ease — went off to sleep and snored like a top; I might as well have been alone.

  I formed several plans for unburdening my stomach, which was growing more unruly every moment, but only one or two seemed the answer; and yet I could not put them into execution, for my lady-love, only a few carriages off, was every now and then looking out of the window, so it would never have done if, instead of my face, she all at once saw — my full moon. I could not for the same reason use my hat as what the Italians call — a comodina, especially as the wind was blowing strongly towards her.

  The train stopped again, but only for three minutes. What could one do in three minutes, especially with a stomach-ache like mine? Another stoppage; two minutes. By dint of squeezing I now felt that I could wait a little longer. The train moved and then once more came to a standstill. Six minutes. Now was my chance, or never. I jumped out.

  It was a kind of country station, apparently a junction, and everybody was getting out.

  The guard bawled out: ‘Les voyageurs pour — en voiture.’

  ‘Where is the lavatory?’ I enquired of him. He attempted to shove me into the train. I broke loose, and asked the same question of another official.

  ‘There,’ said he, pointing to the water-closet, ‘but be quick.’

  I ran towards it, I rushed into it without looking where I went. I violently pushed open the door.

  I heard first a groan of ease and of comfort, followed by a splash and a waterfall, then a screech, and I saw my English damsel, not sitting, but perched upon the closet seat.

  The engine whistled, the bell rang, the guard blew his horn, the train was moving.

  I ran back as fast as I could, regardless of consequences, holding my falling trousers in my hands, and followed by the wrathful, screeching English old maid, very much like a wee chicken running away from an old hen.

  — And —

  — Everyone was at the carriage windows laughing at my misadventure.

  A few days afterwards I was with my parents at the Pension Bellevue, at the baths of N — , when, on going down to the table d’hote dinner, I was surprised to find the young lady in question seated with her mother, almost opposite to the place usually occupied by my parents. Upon seeing her, I, of course, blushed scarlet, I sat down, and she and the elderly lady exchanged glances and smiled. I wriggled on my chair in a most uncomfortable way, and I dropped the spoon which I had taken up.

  ‘What is the matter with you, Camille?’ asked my mother, seeing me grow red and pale.

  ‘Oh, nothing! Only I — I — that is to say, my — my stomach is rather out of order,’ said I, in a whisper, finding no better excuse on the spur of the moment.

  ‘Your stomach again?’ said my mother, in an undertone.

  ‘What, Camille! have you the belly-ache?’ said my father, in his off-hand way, and with his stentorian voice.

  I was so ashamed of myself and so upset, that, hungry as I was, my stomach began to make the most fearful rumbling noises.

  Everyone at table, I think, was giggling, when all at once I heard a well-known, snarling, barking, shrill voice say —

  ‘Gaason, demandez that monseer not to parler cochonneries at table.’

  I cast a glance towards the side whence the voice proceeded, and, sure enough, that horrible, wandering English old maid was there.

  I felt as if I could have sunk under the table for shame, seeing everyone stare at me. Anyhow, I had to bear it; and at last the lengthy meal came to an end. I went up to my room, and, for that, I saw nothing more of my acquaintances.

  On the morrow I met the young girl out with her mother. When she saw me, her laughing eyes had a merrier twinkle than ever. I durst not look at her, much less follow her about as I was wont to do.

  There were several other girls at the pension, and she soon got to be on friendly terms with them, for she was in fact a universal favorite. I, on the contrary, kept aloof from everyone, feeling sure that my mishap was not only known but had become a general topic of conversation.

  One afternoon, a few days afterwards, I was in the vast garden of the pension, hidden behind some ilex shrubs, brooding over my ill luck, when all at once I saw Rita — for her name was Marguerite — walking in a neighboring alley, together with several other girls.

  I had no sooner perceived her when she told her friends to go on, whilst she began to lag behind.

  She stopped, turned her back upon her companions, lifted up her dress far above her knee, and displayed a very pretty though rather thin leg encased in a close-fitting, black silk stocking. The string which attached the stocking to her unmentionables had got undone, and she began to tie it.

  By bending low I might quietly have peeped between her legs, and seen what the slit of her pantaloons afforded to the view; but it never came into my head to do so. The fact is, I had really never cared for her or for any other woman. I only thought, now is my time to find her alone and to bow to her, without having all the other girls to giggle at me. So I quietly got out of my hiding-place, and advanced towards the next alley.

  As I turned the corner, what a sight did I see! There was the object of my sentimental admiration, squatted on the ground, her legs widely opened apart, her skirts all carefully tucked up.

  — So at last you saw —— A faint glimpse of pinkish flesh, and a stream of yellow liquid pouring down and flowing on the gravel, bubbling with much froth, accompanied by the rushing sound of many waters, while, as if to greet my appearance, a rumbling noise like that of an unctuous cannonade came from behind. — And what did you do? — Don’t you know we always do the things which ought not to be done, and leave undone the things which ought to be done, as I think the Prayer Book says? So, instead of slipping away unperceived, and hiding behind a bush to try and have a glimpse at the mouth from which the rill escaped, I foolishly remained stock still, speechless, dumbfounded. It was only when she lifted up her eyes that I recovered the use of my tongue.

  ‘Oh, mademoiselle! pardon!’said I; ‘but really I did not know that you were here — that is to say that— ‘

  Sot — stupide — imbecile — bete — animal!’quoth she, with quite a French volubility, rising and getting as red as a peony. Then she turned her back on me, but only to face the wandering old maid, who appeared at the other end of the avenue, and who greeted her with a prolonged ‘Oh!’ that sounded like the blast of a fog-trumpet.

  — And —

  — And the only love I ever had for a woman thus came to an end.

  CHAPTER 3

  Then you had never loved before you made Telen^s acquaintance?

  — Never; that is the reason why — for some time — I did not quite understand what I felt. Thinking it over, however, I afterwards came to the conclusion that I had felt the first faint stimulus of love already long before, but as it had always been with my own sex, I was unconscious that this was love.

  — Was it for some boy of your age?

  — No, always for grown up men, for strong muscular specimens of manhood. I had from childhood a hankering for males of the prizefighter’s type, with huge limbs, rippling muscles, mighty thews; for brutal strength, in fact.

  My first infatuation was for a young Hercules of a butcher, who came courting our maid — a pretty girl, as far as I can remember. He was a stout athletic fellow with sinewy arms, who looked as if he could have felled an ox with a blow of his fist.

  I often used to sit and watch him unawares, noting every expression of his face while he was making love, almost feeling the lust he felt himself.

  How I did wish he would speak to me instead of joking with my stupid maid. I felt jealous of her although I liked her very much. Sometimes he used to take me up and fondle me, but that was very seldom; one day, however, when — apparently excited — he had tried hard to kiss her, and had not succeeded, he took me up and greedily pressed his lips against mine, kissing me as if he were parched with thirst.

  Although I was but a very little child, still I think this act must have brought about an erection, for I remember every pulse of mine was fluttering. I still remember the pleasure I felt when — like a cat — I could rub myself against his legs, nestle between his thighs, sniff him like a dog, or pat and paddle him; but, alas! he seldom heeded me.

  My greatest delight in my boyhood was to see men bathing. I could hardly keep myself from rushing up to them; I should have liked to handle and kiss them all over. I was quite beyond myself when I saw one of them naked.

  A phallus acted upon me, as — I suppose — it does upon a very hot woman; my mouth actually watered at its sight, especially if it was a good-sized, full-blooded one, with an unhooded thick and fleshy glans.

  Withal, I never understood that I loved men and not women. What I felt was that convulsion of the brain that kindles the eyes with a fire full of madness, an eager bestial delight, a fierce sensual desire. Love, I thought, was a quiet drawing-room flirtation, something soft, maudlin and aesthetic, quite different from that passion full of rage and hatred which was burning within me. In a word, much more of a sedative than an aphrodisiac.

  — Then, I suppose you had never had a woman?

  — Oh, yes! several; though by chance, rather than by choice. Nevertheless, for a Frenchman of my age, I had begun life rather late. My mother — although considered a very light person, much given to pleasure — had taken more care of my bringing up than many serious, prosy, fussy women would have done; for she always had a great deal of tact and observation. Therefore I had never been put as a boarder into any school, for she knew that such places of education are — as a rule — only hotbeds of vice. Who is the interne of either sex who has not begun life by tribadism, onanism, or sodomy.

  My mother, besides, was frightened lest I might have inherited my father’s sensual disposition, and she, therefore, did her best to withhold from me all early temptations, and in fact she really succeeded in keeping me out of mischief.

  I was therefore at fifteen and sixteen far more innocent than any of my school fellows, yet I managed to hide my utter ignorance by pretending to be more profligate and blase.

  Whenever they spoke of women — and they did so every day — I smiled knowingly, so that they soon came to the conclusion that ‘still waters run deep.’

  — And you knew absolutely nothing?

  — I only knew that there was something about putting it in and pulling it out.

  At fifteen, I was one day in our garden, strolling listlessly about in a little meadow by the roadside at the back of the house.

  I was walking on the mossy grass, as soft as a velvety carpet, so that my footsteps were not heard. All at once I stopped by an old disused kennel, which often served me as a seat.

  When I got there I heard a voice within it. I bent down my ear, and listened without moving. Thereupon I heard a young girl’s voice say:

  ‘Put it in and then pull it out; then put it in again, and pull it out; and so on for some time.’

  ‘But I can’t put it in,’ was the reply.

  ‘Now,’ said the first. ‘I open my hole widely with both my hands. Push it in; stick it in — more — much more — as much as you can.’

  ‘Well — but take away your fingers.’

  ‘There — it’s all out again; try and push it in.’

  ‘But I can’t. Your hole is shut,’ muttered the boy’s voice.

  ‘Press down.’

  ‘But why have I to put it in?’

  ‘Well, you see my sister has a soldier for her good friend; and they always do like that when they are alone together. Haven’t you seen the cocks jump on the hens, and peck at them? Well, they also do like that, only my sister and the soldier kiss and kiss; so that it takes them a long time to do it.’

 

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