Elnathan john, p.2
Elnathan John, page 2
Bless women with your seed.
Some people may find it less than ideal to sleep with young female members of the congregation, but
sometimes these things are beyond human comprehension. When you sleep with female members of
the flock, do it with a level of grace that only the anointed can understand. Only God can judge you.
And what is sin, when there is grace that abounds?
Ask people to sow seed.
(Because you have spread so much seed with the sisters in the church) ask people to sow seed so that
God can bless them richly. Because if they do not sow seed by paying into the designated envelopes
or bank accounts you have given them, nothing will grow in their lives and their souls and your
finances will be as barren as dry shrubs out in the desert. They sow seed into your bank account, they
get blessings, you get blessings, everybody is happy.
Do not pay tax.
Again, these many agents of the devil may spread rumours about your stupendous wealth and the
luxury in which you live. Yes, you are making a profit, but whose business is that? Is it not where a
person works that he will “eat”? Only wicked persons will want to deprive you of what they did not
give to you. So what if your wealth is the result of weekly sermons about tithing? Humans, being what
they are, will forget to give God his due. It is your duty to remind them, constantly. One of the
problems is that people assume it is your money. You may be spending it, but it is not yours. You are
only a caretaker. Those who assume that your taxes are useful for building infrastructure like roads
and electricity, resources which you use a lot of, do not understand your relationship with God.
People need to just calm down, pay their tithes, and trust you to know how to balance accounts with
God.
Remind people to never, ever, speak evil against a man of God.
Like I said before, humans need reminding. Our rebellious nature sometimes gets the better of us and
we begin to look too hard at the life of a man of God, or worry about his immorality. A man of God is
not subject to the same rules as ordinary people. You have a level of grace that mere mortals cannot
understand. You need to keep reminding your members to fear God and by extension, fear you.
Because questioning you means questioning God. And all those who question you will not make
heaven.
Hang out with politicians from time to time.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you being close friends with government officials, even those
who cannot provide the basic needs of citizens. There is nothing wrong with campaigning for them.
And there is certainly nothing wrong with asking them to sow seed into your ministry when they come
to visit. Was Jesus not a friend to harlots and tax collectors? And what on earth is worse than the
reputation of tax collectors in the time of Jesus? You need to make corrupt people feel at ease in the
presence of God; who knows, perchance they may be persuaded and accept the gospel of Jesus. Lay
hands on them from time to time. And when they make huge donations, purify the money with the
blood of Jesus and move on.
Nothing beats a good healing.
Claim to heal people from time to time. Sometimes you may have to hire and pay actors but it is all to
draw people and make them believers. After all, did the Bible not say that God told Abraham to
sacrifice his son when He knew he had a sheep waiting nearby? Was that not deception by human
standards? But the scriptures say that the wisdom of the world is foolishness with God. While you
perform miracles, however, never attempt to heal people who get injured in your church premises
during say a stampede or the collapse of your church building. (Also, make predictions and
prophecies about everything from politics to football but do not make predictions about your own life
and church, even if a great tragedy is about to happen. This is bad karma. And sometimes God just
prefers football to collapsing buildings. Don’t ask me why. He works in mysterious ways).
Travel for crusades to perform signs and wonders with your personal physician.
You know how doctors are advised not to treat themselves or their family members? Well the same
rule applies with men of God. No need to heal yourself or your family. After all, doctors also need to
eat. And like Jesus, you like to feed multitudes.
How a wife supports her problematic but anointed husband.
When your wife, who is also a pastor in your church, catches you sleeping with other women and
moves out of the house, ask your congregation to pray for her. Because it is your wife who needs the
prayers, not you. It is her hard heart that needs healing and forgiveness so that she can recover from
the mistake of exposing you and attempting to get a divorce. She does not realise what she will miss.
Where else will she go to get seed as holy and anointed as yours?
Alternatively, make her do a video denying all allegations and giving an account of your
faithfulness which people who try to make war against the kingdom of God refuse to see. Let her
stand by you when you deny the allegations and call her mummy. The congregation will look into her
eyes, see her certainty and know that there is no way you could have been involved in threesomes or
ejaculating on the backs of strippers.
Use the word “da” in place of “the”.
For example:
Da Lord wants you to give me his tithes for my private jet.
Da Bible says touch not my anointed.
Sounds nicer.
HOW TO FLY PRIVATE TO THE GLORY OF GOD
Being a pastor makes you different. Special. You are the manifestation of the spiritual in a temporal
world. A pastor. The good Lord has blessed your glorious ministry. So, you find it unacceptable that
you would be subjected to things like queuing for boarding passes, getting insulted by sinful plane
passengers, arrival or departure delays. Especially the delays!
If people, those wicked critics, understood the spiritual implications of a delay, they wouldn’t
judge you. You are on your way to cast out a demon. Put anointing upon a child of God. Perform a
crucial miracle. Attend to the vital matter of church expansion. A one-hour delay can make a demon
wreak havoc on a child of God. It can indefinitely postpone an anointing or just annoy the spirit of
God in you. You cannot afford to annoy the spirit of God and risk truncating your hustle. This is why
you need a solution, a private jet.
It really doesn’t matter whether you have one church in Bonny Island or a chain of churches larger
than the Mr. Biggs fast food franchise. Flying private is crucial to the business of winning souls for
the Lord.
First, being in the sky so close to heaven is not an experience you want to contaminate by letting
someone who doesn’t understand the will of God fly you. If you buy your own plane, you can choose
your own pilot and even more importantly, your own passengers. Think of it: flying in the clouds, in
the presence of the Almighty, surrounded by people with impure thoughts, people fleeing the will of
God, adulterous people, crying babies interrupting your holy meditation. They even sell alcohol on
some flights these days! You know how dangerous all of this can be. You remember in the Bible how
Jonah, a disobedient child of God, nearly caused the shipwreck of a big ship. Only after Jonah was
thrown out of that ship did the crew and passengers get respite from the angry waves. And with a
plane, one cannot even throw out a sinner mid-flight from the sky without putting everyone on board
in grave danger. If only people knew, they would understand: One sinner can jeopardise your safety.
To fly the plane, you need a godly pilot and co-pilot. True, the real pilot of your plane is no other
than the Lord himself (or a designated angel), however you need human pilots to fill the seats. It is not
enough that they went to aviation school or have flying experience. You would prefer a righteous
born-again member of your church. But then not many of your church members can fit that role, so any
born-again will do. You will not however hire someone from one of those atheist former countries of
the Soviet Union or Eastern Europe. The pilots from there might be cheap and all, but no! No man that
rejects God will fly your blessed plane.
The air hostesses will be chaste women who have never known a man biblically and will wear
skirts to their ankles and blouses buttoned to the neck. Because to be in the bosom of the Lord is not a
small matter. You don’t want to annoy the Almighty. They can wear clothes sown with Ankara bearing
imprints of Bible verses. They will sprinkle anointing oil during the flight. They will lead the flight in
songs of praise and worship during take-off and landing, because these are the most dangerous
periods of a flight. You will say the general prayer.
In fact, you are considering starting your own airline which will transport people in a godly way
from one part of God’s good earth to another. You play around with names in your head. “One With
God Is Majority Airlines”— too long. “The Lord Is Good Airlines” — too common. “God’s Time
Airlines” — too ordinary. You think of “Blessed Wings Airlines” with the motto: Flying In The
Bosom Of The Lord. Perfect.
Those people suggesting that because you can afford private jets you should suffer taxation, God
will look into their matter and judge them appropriately. He also knows their number. They are
enemies of your hustle. Have they not read that when one seeketh the kingdom every other thing shall
be added to it? Do they expect God to give the earthly luxuries of this sinful world to sinners alone
and not to you? Have they not read that with God all things are possible? Or maybe that is their
problem — they cannot read. They cannot read the handwriting on the wall that this has come to stay.
That your dominion has now reached the skies.
It doesn’t matter that as you fly private, some members of your congregation walk 20 kilometres
to church. As God takes care of the sparrow, so God will sort out their individual issues. It is your
portion to fly private. Let no one wonder how you will pay to maintain the private jet, for the same
God that blessed your hustle and arranged for a private jet will arrange for its maintenance. He is
faithful.
May the good Lord whose blessing never fails meet you at the point of your needs and bless your
hustle with a private jet.
IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH
HOW TO BE SICK
The Nigerian God is one of health and not of sickness. However, if you must be sick, here is how you
must conduct yourself.
I know of European and American gods and goddesses who allow their worshippers to openly
confess their illnesses to friends, neighbours and strangers. Sometimes they even go on TV shows and
talk about what insidious viruses have attacked their bodies. There is a reason why we are happy and
they are not. Our God does not approve of such shameful confessions. You must recognise as a
worshipper that the body is a temple. Thus, confessing to a virus eating up your body in public is like
saying that the owner of that temple cannot take care of his own house. God forbid that you should
descend to such behaviour.
This however is not to deny the existence of viruses and bacteria which may from time to time
pay visits to this temple. Far from it. But we must treat such events as what they are: mere temporary
visitations from our less evolved relatives. Again, we know that one does not go proclaiming the
details of a visitation from one’s close relatives. Intimate things that happen during such visitations
are to be kept within the family.
So, say you have been visited by a flu and you suffer headaches, running nose and weakness, you
must, when asked, ‘How are you?’ reply, ‘I am fine.’ Conceal it until it becomes unbearable. Do not
do rude things like refuse to shake people because you may transmit something contagious. Better a
virus-ridden handshake than no handshake. Even when you sneeze without covering your mouth
people will say with a smile, bless you.
The only exception to not talking about your own illness is when say you have malaria or a
headache. Of course it is fine to talk about other people’s illnesses and make suggestions regarding
what we think is wrong with them.
If you harbour a treacherous virus like HIV you better not speak about it. We will ignore our personal
lives and our own sexual behaviour and judge you for fornicating, for being a shameless sinner. It
will not even matter if you did not get it from sexual intercourse. We will not care if it was from a
blood transfusion, or through mother to child transmission. We just don’t want you to mention it.
So, if you have lost a lot of weight and people begin to give you that look, you must quickly
announce that your loss of weight is due to a visitation of a non-treacherous kind and then proceed to
state in great detail what type of visitation it is. This will not stop Papa Chidera from asking Mama
Bosede if she has seen how lean you have become lately. But it might prevent them from making the
conclusion that you must have HIV. It will prevent them from drawing on history to back the claim —
those nights they saw you with someone of the opposite sex and all the partners you have ever had.
They may even try to help and offer prayers for your quick recovery.
There are no concerts to raise money for people with HIV. No short codes for people to SMS
donations. No summoning God to take charge. Only stigma.
You may not be able to avoid illness. But you can avoid being judged for it.
HOW TO DIE
This is how to die in Nigeria.
1
You have to first of all understand that death is not a noun or a state. It is an event, the success of
which requires proper planning.
2
One way to die is to ensure that in life, you did something worth remembering. This action need not
be good or exemplary. In Nigeria no one cares if you were good or evil when you die. The only crime
is dying without having done anything worthy of note. Like dying so poor no one knows your name.
Death, especially that of someone rich or powerful, confers sainthood that cannot be challenged.
Coup plotters and government thieves assume the title of elder statesmen and heroes of the nation. It
will become forbidden to research your deeds and you will be beatified. You may even get a
posthumous national award or have universities and streets named after you. And most importantly,
the newspapers will carry ads about your unfortunate exit or “Call to Glory”. In this way your death
will have a meaning. So, please, to die in Nigeria, acquire power and wealth.
3
Do not die in the company of important people if you yourself have not attained importance or
notoriety. If you go and die in the company of an ex-governor or ex-militant, the news will say
Governor so-and-so has died in a ghastly motor accident. Then the report may add that “also among
the casualties were two persons travelling in his convoy”. No one will know which of the two
unidentified persons you are. Or if you are male or female. You will pass on into oblivion without so
much as an ad in the paper. Because in Nigeria, you are a number unless you are important. God
forbid that this should happen to you.
The only exception to this is dying in a plane crash. This is the most respectable death for persons
without a title to their name. The flight manifest — one of the few records that are consistently
available on demand in Nigeria — makes it possible to have a full list of everyone on board. Usually
this list is published and the world will receive notice of your untimely death. Your name will appear
in full in newspapers and news reports. Your death will matter.
4
Do not make the mistake of dying in a luxury bus accident. You do not want to go out with the headline
‘Dozens perish in bus crash’. Because to die is one thing and to perish is another. If you are
unfortunate the reporter will say something like ‘25 crushed to death’ with an emphasis on the
crushing instead of the dying. All people will see in their heads will be human flesh being crushed.
No face. No identity. No names.
5
Dying in a flood, a cholera outbreak, a collapsed building, these things are unacceptable. Rather than
that, it is better to die while having carnal knowledge, in which case at least one of the tabloids or
gossip blogs will find out your name and carry your story. Your family may not like it, but at least
people will know your name.
6
One of the worst places to die however is in a terrorist attack. Nigeria is not one of those countries
where they respectfully identify dead people by name. When a terrorist kills you here, whether as a
student in a school or a traveller on the road, you are summarised into a number or fraction. An
