Elnathan john, p.9
Elnathan John, page 9
of good countries. Aim high; the American First Lady. My prayer for you is that the Americans don’t
elect a woman or gay man as president when it is time for your photo.
Finally, don’t get carried away. Those men who kneel at your feet today do it only because your
husband is alive and in power. If that changes, they will disappear faster than the money in our
treasury. People will no longer print wrappers with your photo or use your name to sing local songs.
Nobody will even call you to events as ex-First Lady. That future might appear grim, but that is why
you must face the serious business of enjoying the present. God bless your hustle, ma.
HOW TO BE AN OPPOSITION POLITICIAN
Our politicians in the ruling party have failed us. And God will address their matter. But before that
divine judgment must come the judgment of the people. It is your responsibility as an opposition
politician to deliver this well-deserved judgment on behalf of the good and oppressed people of this
country.
Your status as opposition politician is attained upon the loss of an election or political post
whether or not that post was secured through the ruling party. It is evil for anyone to point to your past
and say that you once enjoyed the largesse of the ruling party. What matters is that God has, through
your political loss, shown you the light and led you to the honourable path of opposition. Loss of, or
failure to secure political office does not an opposition politician make. What completes you as an
opposition politician who has lost out in politics is the righteous anger against all the unholy things
going on in the government you tried (and failed) to be a part of. There are some who lose out and
take the shameful path of hanging around the corridors of power, placing full-page, full-colour pro-
government ads in the papers, congratulating every politician in power, commiserating with every
serving politician whose grandmother has died. Some even go as far as digging up some dead relative
of someone in power to do a 10th year remembrance ad. God forbid that you disgrace yourself like
this for political power.
First thing to do is to change political party. You cannot remain in the ruling party and be
successful as an opposition politician. Our ruling party does not take kindly to dissidents. They
destroy all who try. Look at that small man in the House of Representatives who was trying to be an
opposition leader and how they used bribe money to smear and truncate his hustle. So, you must
decamp. It may be in a colourful well-attended ceremony where the opposition leaders will welcome
you and your supporters in front of cameras or through a press release. It doesn’t matter. What matters
is that people know you now have nothing to do with the evil big party.
As an opposition politician, you need a platform. You must remain in the consciousness of the
people especially now that losing elections has led you to the glorious and honourable path of
opposition. Try Twitter. People don’t realise how powerful it is. You can, from the comfort of your
room, rouse thousands of followers to the holy task of insulting the government. Otherwise, with some
“brown envelopes” you can have journalists who will always run your story and give you interviews.
If you use Twitter you need a lot of followers. Followers are the key to your success. It is they who
will make sure your thoughts get retweeted to the ends of the earth.
Your job as an opposition politician is not difficult. Our country is run like a circus — a lot of
what goes on beggars belief. Where else for example will two different security agencies arrest two
different sets of suspects who all “confess” to the same crime. Or a government official who will
brazenly budget 1.2million for a Facebook account? All you need to do is buy newspapers and follow
news reports on Facebook and Twitter. If it is not the President asking us to pray about problems that
he needs to solve himself, it is him allocating one billion to the Villa for food. Just tweet it and your
thousands of followers will retweet it, adding the necessary insult to injury.
Attack those who disagree with you. Because the opposition should be, like the customer, always
right. Those who question your motives or ideas are enemies of progress and agents of the ruling
party. They must be denounced. There can be no opposition to the opposition.
You must understand that the only way you can achieve change as an opposition politician is by
running for office or getting a political appointment. There is no need to do anything selfless like that
Al Gore, who instead of running again for office after he lost, devoted his life to fighting climate
change and other environmental causes. That can only work in America. Here you must be in politics
to achieve change.
Remember that being an opposition politician covers a multitude of sins, both past and present.
As soon as people receive evidence of your having decamped they should, if they are not evil people,
turn your crimson past into an immaculate white present. They should not distract you from your task
of opposing the government by bringing up scandals and allegations. If they do, the wrath of God shall
visit them specially.
I wish you well as an opposition politician and that, someday, God blessing your hustle, you will get
that office you so thoroughly deserve.
INTERNATIONAL CONNECTIONS
HOW TO GET FOREIGN FRIENDS
You love all things foreign. But despite the repeated olive-oiled anointing your pastor gave you and
your passport, you failed to get a visa. You failed three times to get visas to America, Canada and
Britain. You lost a lot of money trying. After the long, gruelling process, nothing. Not even when you
genuinely secured admission to some small college in London. Or took loans to make your bank
account look like a solid how-the-hell-can-I-disappear-in-your-country account. God will judge those
people who saunter into your country when they please but make you scream your life history at
humiliating interviews through a glass that looks like those in prisons in American movies. If only
they would have the decency to give you a visa.
You thought of South Africa but after hearing about the deportation of Nigerians and of the
xenophobia directed at black Africans, you say to yourself, ‘God forbid that I let a fellow black man
humiliate me like that. Especially not ones who until the 80’s were still being supported by Nigerians
in their anti-apartheid struggle.’
God knows you have tried.
You can still mix with Americans. Imagination is a powerful thing. You can have a taste of
Canada and all those creamy countries whose visas you have coveted. All here in Nigeria. Granted,
the foreigners who come here may not always be the cream of the lot, but beggars cannot be choosers.
You will manage the ones here in Abuja. You will enjoy their company so thoroughly that your visa
rejections will cease to hurt. After all, is it not people that make a place? My job is to help you learn
how to mix with and enjoy the company of foreigners from creamy countries, right here in Nigeria.
You need packaging. Don’t look like something they will be scared of. Wear nice clothes and nice
French perfume. Something they can relate to. Have a business card that says you do something
important or interesting. Nothing introduces you like a nice glossy business card. Work on reducing
that heavy accent.
You need to know where to meet foreigners. I can tell you about Abuja at least. Go to play
readings and art exhibitions organised by embassies. It doesn’t matter if you do not really care about
plays or if you think Australian art is just a waste of space. Join the hash. The hash is plenty of white
people running or walking, wearing similar colours, drinking plenty beer and doing things you will
find very strange. Don’t be a bush person. Google the hash and learn their terms. Find out what
“Hares”, “On-on”, or “Down-down” mean. Sometimes there is a small fee you pay. Don’t be stingy.
Pay up and mix with foreigners.
Watch foreign channels and foreign news to get great conversation starters. Say you meet
someone from Belgium, begin by asking her if she is from the Flemish, French or German part. That
tells her immediately that you know her country. Then add some random bit of news you recently
Googled like, ‘So what’s this I hear about Brussels planning to fine offensive language?’ She will be
pleasantly shocked and proceed to give you a lecture about her country, which will soften the ground
for future engagements.
When speaking to a foreigner, don’t scare them away with your bush views.
To maintain foreign friends, you need to have foreign thoughts and habits. When you meet British
people for example tell them how much you love tea. Say it as if you have always loved tea, as if
what you sucked from your mother’s breast was steamy tea. You will be shocked at how quickly you
will bond. It doesn’t matter that it only recently came to you as a rude shock that neither Milo nor
Bournvita is tea.
Do not do stupid things like admit that you really do not like homosexuals. You will be
blacklisted and all hopes of getting a visa, or foreign friends, will be lost forever.
Never ask for favours. That scares them away. Don’t ask for a job or a loan or a lift. As much as
they may appear to be in this country to help poor black Nigerians, they do not want needy black
friends. Buy your own drinks.
Say you are a poet. Apart from being sexy, a poet is always considered a higher human species. It
does not matter that until you read this article you might have asked if Wordsworth was the name of a
store. Don’t disgrace me. Read. You will see how their eyes will light up once they realise you
appreciate the sophisticated things of life.
When you attend a social function organised by white people, do not show up like you do to your
Uncle’s house, empty handed. Go with something. A bottle of wine. A box of chocolates. That is
proper behaviour.
Never, in a moment of frustration, talk about leaving the country. This is disastrous to any
friendships you may want to cultivate. Especially if your target works in an Embassy. They will avoid
you like flies avoid kerosene. Pretend like if heaven was outside Nigeria, you couldn’t care less.
They will feel safe.
Make statements that show you have respect for animals. If he talks about his pet or frets about
not finding food for the cat, Archibald, that he brought from Connecticut, be attentive and sympathetic.
Remember the cat’s name. The next time you meet ask, with a big smile on your face and a hand on his
shoulder: ‘How is Archibald?’
While you are doing all this, be sure to avoid fellow Nigerians, like cockroaches avoid light.
They understand your hustle and will do their best to truncate it. You cannot afford that. You cannot
afford some nosy Bulus telling your oyinbo friend, Mr. Carter, whose dog Quentin you religiously ask
after, that during Christmas in your village in Kaduna South, you routinely welcome visitors with
peppered dog meat.
There is so much I can tell you but follow my advice here. Before long, you will have so many
foreign friends that memories of visa humiliations will vanish from your consciousness. And who
knows, you might even stumble upon someone from the visa section of a cool country whom God will
use to finally bless your hustle.
HOW TO BE A GOOD AFRICAN
Now, I know this is a book about Nigeria. But if you throw a stone into a group of black people you
are bound to strike a Nigerian. So, when anyone speaks about Africans, Nigerians being from the
most populous country, should be in the front row, taking notes.
I like to think I am a good African — or at least having visited nearly a dozen countries in Africa and
Europe, I can say something about what it means to be a good African.
I see it in your eyes, the question: How do I travel to so many countries so quickly? You are right
to ask. It is not by paying anyone money. I have no travel agent who secures visas for me. I have no
special connections.
I just decided one day to stop being an ordinary African and become a good African. An ordinary
African is confined to his/her country or sub-region like a chick in an egg that never hatches. An
ordinary African — or, God forbid, a bad African — will never see another country outside their
sub-region, except perhaps illegally, by boat or through some desert. In both cases you are as likely to
survive as you are likely to receive an email about money from a real Nigerian prince.
We both know you do not desire death. So, swallow your pride and listen.
A good African knows his place
Now, don’t take this the wrong way. Knowing your place is simple to understand. You know that the
only place where you belong — that is, assuming you are not an undesirable minority or vulnerable
person in your own country — is your own country. If you are a skilled professional, especially, you
do not want to be a traitor by desiring anything other than living in the country of your birth and
origin. Have a conscience. Don’t add to the brain drain.
Respect the good men and women who worked on the Khartoum Process and stay in Africa. The
Europeans, and especially Germans, are not spending all that time and effort with your leaders to stop
the Europe-bound flow of people like you for nothing. No one is saying don’t ever travel, but
knowing your place means realising that to travel, you need a compelling reason. You are not an
American or European who just finishes school, decides “I want to see the world” and books a ticket
online, and takes off. This is the most important rule of all and you will find this coming up a lot as
we move forward.
A good African knows that migration is a dirty word
Migration is a dirty, dirty word. Migration causes instability. No right-thinking, good African would
wake up and decide they want to move to another continent. I know Americans and Europeans do this,
but it is mostly to help people and all. Who will you be helping when you decide to abandon your
country? What value will you be adding to Europe or America?
Why would you see a politically and economically stable country and just decide you want to
move there? A good African does not allow the things of this world to determine their choices in life.
I know, I know. You are thinking you are a professional who will not be a burden and you just want to
exercise your right to movement, blah blah blah. Those are not rights a good African should desire or
contemplate. Contentment is a virtue. And a good African is virtuous.
A good African doesn’t complain about paperwork
A good African does not ask why they are required to produce or sign a certain document. If it is on a
list, a good African produces it without complaining. A good African is truthful and doesn’t have
creases on their forehead when answering the questions: “Are you a member of a terrorist
organisation?”, “Have you ever been involved with torturing someone?”, “Are you coming to our
awesome country to engage in prostitution?”, “Have you ever been involved with human
trafficking?”, or “Do you plan to engage in espionage activities while in our awesome country?”
A good African does not covet humans that do not belong to him/her
To be clear, all love is not the same. Some types of love are regular, while others lead to severe and
official consequences. The latter can lead to paperwork that can radically affect your ability to travel,
thereby subverting the necessary process of verifying good Africans. Do not covet this extreme
consequence. I am not implying that you want to do a fake marriage. I know you believe in love and
all, but I am saying you shouldn’t risk being associated with bad people. And isn’t there a nice
African you can marry?
A good African does not try to settle abroad, especially outside Africa
As a good African, you must provide proof that you have no intention of staying one minute beyond
the period of grace as specified on your visa. One way of doing this is by making sure you always
have your return ticket with you at all times. Don’t be proud. You are not an American or European
who can just travel and decide on a whim when they want to return. Not knowing exactly when and
how you will return is bad and is a sign that you are one of those dangerous Africans who sneak away
upon landing in Europe or America and try to stay there forever, ruining a country that took a lot of
time, blood and energy to make perfect.
A good African discourages other Africans from spoiling chances for other good
Africans
You must frequently speak up against those bad Africans who smuggle themselves onto boats or
through deserts and spoil things for people like you. Regularly refer to the Khartoum Process. Write
