Elnathan john, p.3
Elnathan John, page 3
official of the National Emergency Management Agency (NEMA) was once quoted as saying that
when fatalities occur in a conflict situation, they feel duty bound to reduce the figures, so as not to
escalate the crises. What wise thinking. So, if there are 200 deaths, NEMA may report 60. Or just
cancel one zero and say 20. Imagine being summarised. Not even counted as a whole dead figure. So,
if you run into a terrorist bent on taking your life, beg the man. Tell him you are not opposed to dying
for his cause. Plead with him to try something else, maybe make a video or something. Because it
would be a tragedy to fade into oblivion, unannounced.
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One great way to go is to die on camera. Hundreds, including school children, may die or be
slaughtered every month in Maiduguri and Nigerians will go about their daily activities. Maiduguri is
just one faraway North Eastern state that could pass for a territory of Chad or Niger Republic. In their
heads 160 killed in Borno is what it is, a number. But if you have your death captured on tape,
perfect. Then you can have NGOs calling for legislation to outlaw whatever type of knife they used to
stab you. If you are fortunate, your name will trend on Twitter and hashtags will spring up like
#MakeSicklesIllegal,
#VictorSickleSlaughter,
#OutlawSickleStabbingNOW,
#Justice4Tolu,
#NeverAgain or #R.I.P.Kevin. People will grant interviews and there will be hundreds of badly
written blogs about you. And believe me, a hashtag and a badly written blog post with a link to your
death video or a photo of you gotten from Facebook is better than dying as a number. The only
exception to this is dying as a hated minority. Like a Shiite. Or a Biafra protester. If you die while
hated, whether on camera or not, we will spit on your grave. Just don’t be a minority. Or if you cannot
help it, then try the best you can to avoid dying. May an untimely death not befall you, but if it does,
may it be sexy enough for a hashtag.
You cannot leave your death to chance. Because, to die is human but to die properly is divine.
TEMPORAL
HOW TO SHOW LOVE
This is how to show Nigerian love.
Our love is not of short-lived flowers and long meaningless walks in the park. Nigerian love is
pragmatic. Words are a waste of time. Every true Nigerian knows how little the words “I love you”
mean. Except of course if you are in Europe and need to quickly marry someone to get residency.
When you hear rich couples attend events and say those nebulous words, “I love you” to each other,
what they do not tell you is how they really say it. God will judge them for trying to mislead new
couples.
Nigerian love is a very material concept. Cook for your man. Nigerian wives know this already.
But lovers need to learn: a thousand words cannot work the magic of one pot of egusi soup complete
with meat, “assorted” and okporoko. Present it steaming with semovita or if you can, pounded yam.
You will not need to say anything. He will wear a smile that says “I know you love me”. His friends,
on learning that the wondrous dish was made by you, will proclaim, ‘O boy! Dis girl like you well-
well o’. In Nigerian pidgin, to like “well-well” is to love practically and “o” as an intensifier for
“well-well” has no real English equivalent — the closest to it would be, love to a superlative degree.
Cooking for him entitles you to show your love in another very important way: checking his
phone. You have cooked for him and he has shown his gratitude by sweating profusely and promptly
falling asleep on your couch. This is the time to dive for his phone and read all his text messages. You
will find something. If you don’t, go through his call records — you are likely to find calls to or from
an Amaka after he said he needed to rest last night. Whether you choose to further show your love by
harassing him about it immediately, or choose to hold onto it as part of your arsenal during your next
big quarrel is up to you. You know what works best for your man.
Loving Nigerian men always pay. There is no exception to this rule. Not even if she has watched
plenty foreign shows on DSTV and pretends that she wants to split the bill. If a Nigerian girl offers to
pay reject it like Jesus rejected Satan’s evil temptation with bread. Don’t even act like it is a
discussion. Ignore her attempts at checking her purse and just settle the bill. This is true love. This
also applies if she is out with one, two or three friends. Whether you choose to show your love
quietly, by excusing yourself and going to settle the enormous bill, or with panache, by screaming,
‘How much is MY bill?’ is up to you. You know what works best for your woman.
As a loving Nigerian woman, never ask who his female friends are. Even if you find him in a
compromising situation with a woman who refuses to greet you. Nigerian love ignores such things. It
makes excuses on his behalf — she may be his colleague, business partner or member of his prayer
group. Nigerian love is good like that. This doesn’t however mean that you can do the same. Nigerian
love has very gender specific rules. They do not apply both ways. The only exception to this rule is if
the Nigerian man does not “pay”.
Deny her the company of any male who is not her relative. This is important. In Nigeria, a jealous
man is a loving man. If she is on the phone, watch her demeanour. If she is excited, ask her who it is.
By “who?” you mean all the details — name, gender, nature of relationship, process and length of
acquaintance, subject of conversation, the whole works. She knows this. You own the franchise of her
happiness and no other man is allowed to make her laugh. If you fail to do this, even she will begin to
doubt your love. You cannot afford to let this to happen.
Never ever as a Nigerian man do stupid things like go into the kitchen to cook. This is forbidden
territory. Not even if you are starving and she is on the bed complaining of cramps. There is no better
way to truncate your romantic hustle than doing the dishes after she has spent hours making your
favourite dish. This is like jumping into a river with a concrete slab tied to your neck. There is no
recovery from it. God will judge all the foreign film makers who have introduced the dangerous
illusion of this being a romantic thing. In fact, when you answer the door and it is your neighbour
asking if you have a baking tin or big pot, deny knowledge of anything that goes on in the kitchen and
ask her to hold on for your woman. It will be a tragedy for you to introduce doubts about your
masculinity in your woman’s mind. May God protect us from tragedies.
It is my hope that as you enjoy foreign romance movies or romance novels, you do not get carried
away by them. Stick to my advice and God will bless your romantic hustle.
HOW TO OWN A SLAVE
The Nigerian God is faithful. He has blessed your hustle with a husband. With a God-fearing wife.
We give him all the praise.
As a Nigerian husband, your wife needs assistance. Look away and provide it. Do not ask too
many questions. You work as a team. If you hear the girl screaming do not intervene. Now step aside
while I tell your wife how to do this properly.
As a Nigerian wife, you began your wifely hustle by going out of your way to show your
dutifulness, things that would make him go online and thank God for blessing him thus — cooking,
cleaning and never saying no to him. God will meet you at the point of your needs and bless you for
this. However, something is happening to you. Tiredness is setting in. You feel nauseous and irritated.
The doctor has told you that you are having a baby. You and your husband agree that you cannot keep
up with the housework with this growing human mass in your tummy. It is time for a house help. Your
husband has left you to take care of it.
You have many choices. There is the choice of young poor girls from the North who have been
trained to work like horses, want little and show gratitude for whatever they receive. The girl may
have thinning brown hair from lack of nutrition and may look stunted at 12 but trust me, she knows
how to fetch water, wash piles of clothes and sweep endlessly.
You also have the choice of taking in the pre-pubescent out-of-wedlock daughter of that distant
cousin whom you have never met in your village. You had heard that a boy got her pregnant at 14 and
ran away thereafter. Since then the daughter has suffered stigma and neglect that has blocked any
chances of your cousin getting a husband. Those village people can be unforgiving.
There is that aunt in the village who promised you someone to help when you came for your
traditional marriage. You turned down the offer then. Now is the time to call that aunt and tell her that
the housework will kill you soon. She will laugh on the other end of the line and tell you not to worry.
You will remind her that you don’t want a boy o! Boys are hard to control. ‘I have heard,’ she will say
and in one or two weeks you will receive your package of an awkward prepubescent girl.
Then there is the international connection — the kids from Togo or Benin Republic. Someone has
told you of these young kids from Benin Republic whose salary you will pay to a man who will claim
to be their uncle or cousin. Hard working children with nowhere to go. Nowhere to run. Perfect.
Let me just say clearly that you do not need a person of legal age, an adult who will one day kill
you all in your sleep, kidnap or bewitch your children or worse, (and God forbid) snatch your
husband from you. Don’t roll your eyes and say your husband would never do that. We all know how
men are trash. You need a child. Anyone who quotes the Child’s Right Act and calls employing
anyone under the legal age child labour, God will give them paralysis of the mouth. How else do they
want you to get the housework done without arousing your poor husband?
When the young girl comes, the first thing to do is to, without her consent, test her for hepatitis,
HIV and other infections. You don’t want her bringing diseases into your godly, healthy home. If you
must, go to the second-hand store and buy her two old dresses — one for work and one for sleep. Or
maybe one extra for church, which you must warn her only to wear on Sundays. You can’t have her
embarrassing you too much in church. If you don’t have boys’ quarters, clear out the store so she can
sleep there. Otherwise get an old mattress that she will use somewhere in a corner of the living room.
As she is the first to wake and last to sleep, you won’t have to see it at all so don’t worry.
You need to cut her hair. It is better. Both of you should not be struggling to groom your hair. You
can’t have her stealing your expensive hair products. Anything a small comb or brush can’t do must
go. The more unattractive she looks, the better for you and your marriage. Like I said before, it is not
your fault that men are trash. Design flaw.
There is no need to waste money sending her to school. It is not your fault that her parents can’t
afford to. In fact, she should be grateful that you are giving her a rare opportunity to come to the city
and make some money. If she spends all her time at school, when will she do the housework? But if
you absolutely have to, find a cheap school, maybe one with evening classes she can attend.
Something simple that won’t confuse her about her station in life. Imagine taking her to a place where
she learns about discombobulating ideas like human rights. God forbid!
Discipline: Very important. Sometimes screaming degrading insults is not enough to put an
ungrateful, sloppy house help in line. The phrase “spare the rod and spoil the child” includes the
children who do your household chores and care for your family. Sometimes they get too comfortable.
Sometimes they are possessed by demons. Only a healthy dose of flogging, chaining and starvation
can rid them of evil spirits or too much comfort.
Watch the food she eats. Especially the meat. Nothing makes a house help grow wings like pieces
of meat. Meat has a way of creating a sense of entitlement in a person. Especially chicken. You don’t
want that to happen.
Don’t make the mistake of allowing her to have friends. Whether with the help next door or with
the one in the shop down the street or the one grinding tomatoes near the market. She did not come to
your house to play and network. Next thing you know they will connive and do something evil to you.
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, there comes a time when you must let the house help go.
Such instances include when you notice that she has become a woman and is almost needing the same
bra size as you. Like I said three million times, men are what? Men are trash! They see breasts and
they lose their minds. You need to be proactive and protect your husband from himself. Send her away
and look for another prepubescent one to take her place.
Do not go looking for answers where you have no business looking. If the man who brought a girl
from Benin Republic says he is her Uncle, then he is her Uncle. If he says he will hold her salary for
her, then he will. The less you know the better. Giving money to a third party ensures that it will be
safe.
Do these and the wonderful Nigerian God will, through your enslaved person, lighten your load
and bless your hustle.
So, Nigerian husband, like I said before, don’t ask. As long as your children are being taken care of
and the food is on the table and the house is clean, then everything is as God planned it to be. God
bless!
HOW TO COMMUNICATE IN TIMES OF CRISES
To create is divine and to destroy is human. You did not cause this. You are aware that the history of
humans is the history of crisis. Your country is no exception. As a politician, there is no need to be
unusually perturbed when there is a crisis in the county. This is the way of the world. And a country
without this is a boring country. Who wants to be uneventful like Norway or Finland?
As a government official this is how you must conduct yourself when you suddenly hear that
Christians and Muslims have started killing each other.
One thing you must be careful with is truth. Truth is like a double-edged knife. Sometimes it can
be an impressive tool for cutting things into precise shapes, other times it can be a mean tool of
destruction or even a self-destructive thing, hurting the bearer beyond expectation. You must be
careful who you give truth to. Not everyone deserves it or can use it. Withhold it for as long as you
can. Sometimes the flip side of the truth is not a lie, but only useful, responsible silence. So when a
journalist comes asking questions during a crisis, you must treat them with suspicion for you cannot
be certain whose agents they are. Many a journalist is an unwitting agent of the enemy. You give them
truth and they stab you with it. You must try as much as possible not to respond to official inquiries
for information whether brought pursuant to the Freedom of Information Act or any similar law that is
subject to abuse by journalists. You must never feel guilty about this. It is the same as refusing to give
a toddler a knife to play with. The toddler will cry and stomp its feet. But you know you are doing
right by that toddler.
Especially when there is violent conflict, you must never, ever, provide accurate figures of those
who have died. The reason is simple: You do not want anybody getting angry and threatening or
carrying out reprisals. As much as you can control it, you must prevent journalists from taking
pictures at the scene.
It is important to claim that all is well. The good book says death and life are in the power of the
tongue. I will add that peace and conflict are in the power of a press release. Unless you have had to
impose a curfew, you must use phrases like, “normalcy is fast returning”, and “people are going about
their normal activities”.
Being a reporter during a time of crisis can be confusing. My rule has always been, when in doubt
say the opposite of what the government says. It is sufficient to make a few calls after which you can
publish unverified information. There is that phrase that cures all known defects in a report and you
must learn how to use it: “All attempts to reach so-and-so for comment proved abortive.”
When people make inflammatory statements, you must never apply too much scrutiny to it. You
are a journalist, not their mother or a man of God. Your job is just to report. Sometimes you will hear
of journalists in a crisis situation being selective and choosing not to report certain things. God forbid
that you play God. You are a messenger and a messenger is not concerned about the contents of the
envelope, only that the envelope reaches its intended destination. A typical example of what you must
avoid is how some journalists covered the crises between the IRA and the British government. Some
