Lucky break clean slate.., p.31
Lucky Break (Clean Slate Ranch), page 31
Robin laughed and kissed his cheek. “Yeah. The good news is I only have to get through tomorrow’s final rehearsal and then the performance on Saturday. Maybe you and I can spend some daytime together tomorrow after lunch?”
“I can’t. I have to help Miles prep for Saturday. We’re starting from scratch with everything from sauces and biscuits, to making the buffalo burger patties.” Shawn winked at Miles, even though he was not feeling it. “I have a very demanding boss who needs those patties just so.”
Miles stuck his tongue out at him. “It helps get the temperature right.”
“What about dinner?” Shawn asked Robin. “We haven’t had dinner together in a month.”
Robin’s expression went instantly guilty, and that did not make Shawn feel better. “Um, can we do after dinner? Levi should be rolling in around four, and I promised him and Doug the three of us would go out to dinner someplace. Not all the way to San Jose, but the three of us haven’t had a meal in years.”
Years definitely trumped Shawn’s month, and he held back a grumble of irritation. “Then you three should have dinner. You and I will have time to eat dinner once the craziness of opening day is behind us.”
“Are you sure? You could come with us.”
Shawn wasn’t going to be a pathetic fourth wheel to this three-man family reunion in order to assuage Robin’s guilt. “No, you guys go. Be a family again.”
Robin hesitated, his eyes uncertain. “Okay. Thanks. Listen, I have to take care of my horse, but I’ll be back in ten minutes or so. Wait for me?”
“Of course.” Shawn kissed him again, hoping to go for easygoing when he was tied up in knots inside. “See you soon.”
“Yeah.” Robin headed to the opposite end of the corral, where someone waited with the chestnut-colored horse. They had a trailer and temporary fencing set up near the far gate, which appeared to be the tack area.
The next event had several men standing on wooden barrels, with a rider coming at them, and the point was for the standing man to climb onto the moving horse behind the first rider. For the live show, Doug would ask the audience to vote for the best duo based on applause. Shawn couldn’t imagine how many times the jumper had fallen trying to mount a moving horse...
Then again, Shawn wasn’t the most coordinated person on the planet and he was still mastering riding a horse.
A young, blond man brought a white-and-brown-speckled horse to Doug, who stood facing the “audience.”
“This is when I’ll ask for a volunteer,” Doug said, mostly for Shawn, Miles, Wes, and Colin’s benefit. “Someone without a lot of riding experience.”
Wes immediately put his index finger over his nose. “Not it.”
“I did dressage as a kid,” Miles said, clearly uncomfortable with being stared at by a bunch of strangers.
Shawn shrugged and raised his hand. “I’m still learning.” And he had plenty of past experience being stared at. It didn’t bother him much, as long as he wasn’t about to be embarrassed.
“Then come on up and join me, Shawn,” Doug said with a big grin.
The width between the fence slats was enough that Shawn could climb through, instead of trying to climb over or circle to the gate. He approached Doug and the horse, who Doug introduced as Fiona. “So what we’re gonna do,” Doug said, “is put you up on Fiona here, and then you’ll hold this here stick out at an angle, about forty-five degrees from your head.” He demonstrated. “Our men are going to ride past and try to throw rubber rings on that stick. All you need to do is hold real still. Fiona won’t bolt.”
“Okay.” Sounded easy enough. Shawn had ridden enough that he could finally haul his butt up without using steps or a boost, and he was proud of himself for that. After he got comfortable in the saddle, Doug handed him the painted stick. Helped him adjust how he sat so even if a ring missed, it wouldn’t hit him in the face. He was a little nervous about men charging at him on galloping horses, but Doug was calm and encouraging, so Shawn settled in to see how good these ring throwers were.
Doug approached the fence and raised his hand to signal the riders.
“What the fuck!?” Robin’s furious voice boomed across the corral and turned heads, and Shawn nearly fell out of the saddle. Robin easily leapt over the fence and charged toward Shawn, his face a scary mixture of fear and rage. “Get down right now.”
“What? Why?” Shawn was not prepared for Robin physically dragging him down off Fiona, and he stumbled a bit getting his feet back under him. Robin cut off Doug’s approach with a scowl and snarl, and he pulled Shawn away by the elbow. “What the hell is wrong with you, Robin?”
“You shouldn’t have been up there,” Robin snapped. “Doug should have known better. You’re terrified of horses.”
“No, I’m not.” Shawn yanked his arm out of Robin’s bruising grip, confused and angry at the bigger man’s handling. “Robin, calm down and think. The horse barely blinked at me, I was fine.”
Robin stared at Shawn with naked terror in his eyes. Terror that melted into bright confusion and then shock. “Oh shit. Shawn.”
Everyone was gaping at them, and Doug seemed poised to insert himself into the situation at any moment. The entire site was silent except for Robin’s heavy breathing. Shawn could barely hear over his own racing heartbeat. And then it clicked. “You thought I was Xander again, didn’t you?”
Grief filled Robin’s eyes then, and Shawn’s temper ignited. Shawn didn’t know for sure what this entire conniption fit had been about, but he had an idea, and it pissed him off. He was not a Xander substitute, goddamn it, and if Robin still saw him as such, he could fuck right off. Shawn turned and stormed toward the corral fence. Slipped between the slats easily and kept going.
Miles caught up with him a few yards away. “Are you okay?”
“I have no idea.” Shawn didn’t stop striding toward his car. “I don’t know what the fuck just happened, but if I don’t get out of here, I will punch Robin in the face.”
“Okay.”
Miles took Shawn’s keys from his trembling fingers and drove them both back to the ranch. He didn’t push, didn’t ask any more questions, he was just there for Shawn. And Shawn appreciated it more than he could say. His phone rang once but he ignored it when he saw it was Robin. He did not want to speak to the man right this second.
After Miles parked his car in the barn-shaped garage, he led Shawn back to his and Reyes’s cabin, instead of letting Shawn go back to his own. Shawn paced the living area, his mind a tangled mess of anger and confusion. Miles handed him a beer, which Shawn didn’t normally drink, but he appreciated the gesture and gulped down several long pulls without really tasting it.
“I’ve never seen Robin act like that before,” Miles said.
“Me, either. It was like he thought I was in danger by being up on that horse. For a few seconds, I think he really did believe I was his husband, Xander, because he said I was scared of horses, and I’m not. But Xander was.” A horrifying thought occurred to Shawn. “Oh God. What if a horse was involved in how Xander died? The first time Robin met me, I was up on a horse and he reacted really weirdly.”
“It’s possible. He probably didn’t expect Doug to have you out into the corral like that. Put up on that horse. Maybe it triggered an old memory.”
“I just... That was so embarrassing.” Shawn rubbed his elbow, which was still sore from where Robin had dragged him—yes, dragged him—off Fiona and ten feet away from the sedate horse. For a few seconds, and for the only time since Shawn had met him, Robin had genuinely scared him. And Shawn didn’t want to fear his boyfriend, not for any reason. Not ever.
Someone knocked a split second before the cabin door opened. Shawn braced for the intruder to be Robin, but it was Reyes, whose expression was schooled. “Are you two all right?” he asked. “Mack called and said Robin and Shawn had some kind of confrontation at the ghost town.” Reyes’s dark brown eyes zeroed in on Shawn. “Did he hurt you?”
“No.” Shawn’s arm still ached a little but he didn’t think Robin had been trying to hurt him. “He scared me a little, and I don’t completely understand what happened. I just needed space.”
Miles filled Reyes in on the last ten minutes, while Shawn resisted the urge to keep pacing. “It definitely sounds like some sort of flashback,” Reyes said when Miles finished. “But Robin and I aren’t close, so I couldn’t begin to guess.”
“I think it has to do with how his husband died,” Shawn replied. “And probably being around the Lucky’s employees again...it made everything even worse. Maybe I shouldn’t have walked away like that. Maybe I should have stayed and talked to him.”
“Hey, you needed to protect yourself.” Miles looped his arm around Shawn’s. “Believe me, we both get that. It’s okay to put yourself first. Talk to Robin when you’re ready.”
“Honestly, I think I’m ready now. I don’t like knowing he’s upset, and I don’t know exactly how his husband died.” Shawn palmed his phone, intent on calling Robin, when another knock sounded at the door.
Reyes opened it, and no one was surprised to find Robin on the porch, his face as pale as Shawn had ever seen. Robin’s gaze went directly to Shawn’s, asking a silent question. Shawn nodded and said, “Can we have a few minutes?” Fully aware this wasn’t his cabin.
Miles took Reyes by the hand and led him outside. Robin came in and shut the door. “I am so sorry for what I did,” Robin said. “So fucking sorry.”
“Tell me why you did it.” Shawn needed to hear the words from Robin.
“I panicked.” Robin approached, his expression tentative and sad, and his hands twitched as if wanting to reach for Shawn. “Xander died during a rehearsal for that trick. We needed someone to play the inexperienced audience member, and Xander hated horses. Was terrified of them.” Real grief fractured his face. “I goaded him, said Xander getting up a horse just this once would be the best Christmas present ever. He agreed. For me.”
Shawn closed his eyes as grief for both Xander and for Robin pressed in on him from all sides. “How did he die?”
“Truck backfired. Spooked the horse, who threw him. Xander broke his neck when he landed.” Robin choked. “He died in my arms before an ambulance could get there.”
“Oh, Robin.” Shawn surged forward and caught Robin around the waist as the bigger man collapsed. Eased them both to the floor as Robin sobbed twice without actually crying. As if his body needed to expel the negative energy somehow. “I am so sorry. God.”
“It’s why...” Robin pressed his forehead into Shawn’s neck. “When I first saw you that day up on Valentine, I honestly thought you were Xander. Come back to me, about to fall and break your neck all over again. It’s why I was so rude that first hour or two.”
“Now it makes more sense. Why you acted so oddly. Oh, Robin, you could have told me that.”
He drew in a ragged breath and let it out slowly. “I know. I just... I blamed myself so hard for Xander’s death. I was the reason he was on that damned horse. If I hadn’t goaded him, he wouldn’t have died. He didn’t know how to do stunt falls or twist on a landing so he didn’t hurt himself.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“I spiraled hard, Shawn. So fucking hard. I fought with Levi and with Doug. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror anymore without seeing the face of a killer. We were in Wichita when Xander died, and after a huge blowout with Doug, I packed a bag and left. On foot. Headed west with no idea what I wanted to do other than die.”
Shawn shivered at the bald emotion in those words—and for how deeply Robin’s pain had dragged him down. “But you didn’t die.”
“Not for lack of trying.” Robin let out an angry snort. “I drank. Heavily. Hitchhiked. Fucked around. Did all the things that could have landed me in a morgue, but I woke up every morning and kept walking. Or hitching. All I wanted to do was die, but I was too fucking scared to swallow pills, or jump in front of a bus. I wanted something or someone else to take me out. There are chunks of time I don’t even remember, and it lasted for close to a year.”
A year. A year of chasing death, only for death to dodge out of reach over and over. Shawn couldn’t imagine the pain of such an enormous loss. For something so devastating to happen that he’d want to end his own life. For all of Shawn’s own personal losses, he’d never wanted to die. Every single time he was knocked over, he got back up and kept trying. Kept fighting.
Robin quit. Holy shit.
It completely reset his image of the man shivering in his arms, clutching at his waist, dropping these intense truth bombs all over the place. “All I knew for sure was that I was in California,” Robin continued. “In the mountains, surrounded by trees. No cars, no people. Back roads. I walked until I collapsed in a ditch, and I really thought that was it. I was broke, hadn’t eaten in days, no fresh water. I wanted it to be over.”
Twin tear tracks ran down Shawn’s cheeks, and he tried to hold Robin tighter. Hearing how far someone he considered his own rock had fallen? Devastating. Knowing Robin trusted him enough to finally unload these burdens?
Priceless.
“And then a truck pulls up on the side of the road,” Robin said. “I was pretty delirious, but these two men picked me up and got me into their truck. Took me back to this ranch, and they helped me get sober. Gave me a job and place a live. A purpose again. A second chance I wasn’t sure I deserved, but I took it. Arthur and Judson literally saved my life that day.” He sat up and met Shawn’s eyes, so much love and devotion shining in Robin’s that Shawn wanted to cry. “Somehow I got here so I could meet you, Shawn. I might have given up on life, but life didn’t give up on me. And I truly hope you don’t, either.”
“Never.” Shawn cupped Robin’s cheeks in his palms. “I’m heartbroken that you gave up so completely. But I am also grateful you’re in my life.” Robin had been incredibly honest with Shawn today. It was time for Shawn to be honest in return. To say the things he felt in his heart and soul. “I love you, Robin Butler. Please don’t leave me.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Shawn. And I love you, too. Have for a while but I haven’t been able to say it. Not sure why.”
“Maybe you needed to share this final secret with me first.”
“Could be. I’m sorry I acted like a possessive nutcase earlier.”
“Forgiven. It hurt but now I understand where that fear came from. And now that I know this secret, do you think you and I could go riding together sometime?”
“Yes, we can do that. I didn’t lie about preferring to ride alone, but I did use it as an excuse not to see you on a horse. But you aren’t Xander, and I can’t live my life being terrified of losing you every single second. I want to live and love you freely. Without fear.”
“So do I.” Time to put Shawn’s final fear to rest. “Are you considering leaving with Lucky’s when they go back on tour?”
Robin gaped at him. “What? Of course not.”
That final knot of tension unfurled and drifted away, leaving Shawn relaxed and proud. “Good. I want you here.”
“I want me here, too. Baby, I have had a blast this week being around the guys again. Being around Doug and the horses. But I will never be the rider I was in my heyday, and my aching bones will be very glad when Saturday’s show is over.”
“I can’t imagine.” Shawn brushed his lips over Robin’s. “I love you, and I know in my heart we can make this work.”
“Me, too.”
They sealed the promise with a long, sensual kiss, and then they held each other for a long time. Existing as a couple with no more secrets between them. They were both in this for the long haul, and Shawn very much looked forward to whatever came next.
Epilogue
Two Months Later
“You may now kiss your spouse.”
Loud cheers rose up in the crowd as the two now-married couples kissed in front of their guests. Robin had a slight sense of déjà vu over the entire production, because this was the second wedding he’d attended up here at Bentley Ghost Town in the last two years. The first wedding had a been a straight couple, and Robin had been here with Colt and the other hands. Today, Robin was here with his boyfriend watching Colt kiss his husband senseless on the saloon porch.
The other happy couple, Reyes and Miles, shared a shorter, but no less intense kiss of their own. Beside him, Shawn wiped at his eyes with a tissue, clearly overjoyed by the beautiful celebration of love they’d both witnessed. Robin could see himself and Shawn sharing those kinds of vows one day. Not anytime soon, but one day.
And the man who’d married the pairs? Arthur Garrett himself. He’d taken it upon himself to get certified online, and when Miles had absently mused during a movie night at Mack’s place that he didn’t want a big wedding, he just wanted to be married, Mack had gone to Arthur. Two weeks later, Mack closed the ghost town early on a Saturday so they could have the private celebration.
Colt’s entire family was here for the wedding, and they’d overtaken the guesthouse for the night, along with the Bentleys and Masseys. Avery’s parents. Miles’s parents had been invited, and apparently they’d sent a check as a congratulations. Whatever, because Miles had plenty of family here, surrounding him with love and affection.
Not standing much on ceremony, Arthur shooed the wedded pairs off the porch and into the crowd of guests to be hugged and congratulated. Robin was so happy for his fellow hands that he could barely see straight, and he hugged whoever came at him for one. Even Sophie Massey, their first ghost town bride, who was heavily pregnant and due to give birth in about two weeks. Her husband, Conrad, watched her like a hawk.
Robin gave Derrick a firm hug and handshake. “You gonna put a ring on it now, too?” Derrick asked, inclining his head in Shawn’s direction. Shawn was talking to Hugo and Wes a few feet away.
